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Confused
Has anybody else in here though with absolute certainty that they knew what they wanted from life and the plan that they had set out for transitioning was clear. They understood their limitations and just what results they would get. As for me I had already resigned myself to the fact that starting on hormone therapy at age 38 I would still be happier as an ugly looking woman than I ever was as a guy.
I did, for the longest time, even before the drugs I was only ever attracted to women. In recent time I got myself a webcam and started chatting to men on yahoo chat. This is where all my preconceived ideas of what I look like and in fact just who I am or are becoming have been questioned and I just don’t know what is happening to me.
The thought that someone else (Men) could find me attractive or even desirable despite or even because of my differences has left me both flattered and confused.
I have a lifelong partner who’s the mother of our children and my soul mate. We have been together for close to 20 years and I feel that I could not bear to go our separate ways. She has stood by me for the last 3 and a bit years through my transitioning. Our relationship has changed, as you image it you’d have to but we still live together and co-parent, share every part of our life. But I can’t help but think just where things go from here.
I don’t expect anyone else to have some answer to my dilemma but has anyone else reached a point in their transitioning like this. I’m I just kidding myself that we could have stayed together or is everything else just false and I should dismiss it as some sort of passing thing.
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7 Replies
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I can only imagine the confusion that Tess in experiencing around transitioning and the loyalties of family. It’s not easy facing such a dilema. On one hand there are your desires to transition and then there’s the family, and by that I mean children, irrespective of their ages.
I’ve had the self same dilema. Do you or don’t you? I chose, with an aching heart the family. The reason; they had stuck by me through a massive bout of depression and suicide thoughts and attempts. My wife took the time to learn the truths about depressive illnesses and suicides. That learning allowed her to empathise with my illnesses and we struggled through until I was well again(it took three yeras). My wife and son have known about Liz for going on for thirty years. At first it was looked upon as an abhorrence. Over the years there has been much acceptance and tolerance, primarily due to her learning and understanding of transgenderism. As recently as four years ago I had the option of moving some way towards transitioning. I was told by the guru of trangenderism, “It’s never too late.” After a heart wrenching search and much deliberation on my part I chose to remain as is. This was in order to retain the love and proximity of my wife and son. I love them and to me they are absolutely paramount, at the top of my essential must haves list.
Some might say for me it was a cop out; it wasn’t. Yes, I still wish that I had gone down the transitional track many years ago, but I didn’t and it’s water under the bridge. The pathway to transitioning wasn’t that easy, not so many years ago. There were too many impediments.So Tess, that’s my story, at least part of it. In my view you either do or you don’t. It all depends on you and what you want out of life.
Good luck with your decision.Liz
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Hi.
I think the very short story will be better here for now the long one will be my book that i have been asked to write.
I knew what i was at age 10 just the words to explain my self were not there.
those words came about 4 years ago. i allso knew what i was going to do at different stages in my life . it just had to be in time with where i was & that took a while try 50 years. of cause we Jos & i have 3 grown up kids & 8 grand kids withone more coming in may june we hope with out any details going on . due to birthing , this is our daughter of cause.14 years ago i told Jos i was a woman after 24 years being married that was 14 years ago. i have allways been male female / woman , a androgynous one at that . not a C D or a T S or T v . just a brain wired intersex.
my life has changed some what in respect to be allowed to live my life as a woman & be accpted as one fully , some here have met me so i am known as the Kiwi girl from waimate pretty much around the world now .
When i told jos i would be living as a woman we both of us went through HELL for 8 years . yet i knew what i was doing there were no if s or but s.
so yes i knew abslotly what & who i was / am there was never a time of uncertinty at all. of cause there were family members who said other wise tho they know of cause that i am who i am & they are ajusting to that tho Jos accpted & did help me & that has been over 37 years.
I know i could never have any doughts because as you get to know me youll know for me there could only be one way. or nothing .
part of your ??s will of cause be do i pass,
at 63 i know i dont & theres no hope of that ever . so , end of . meds surgery or what ever . will never change me i am who i am & what you see is what every one sees.
I wont say surgry or meds have not helped they have in a lesser way as i expected .Tho surgry was so neat just the all of it that words will never desscrib what it was realy like So Ill just say ,
………..IT WAS THE MOST NEATEST TIME OF MY LIFE……….
…….YES …..YES…..YES…..
I hope that says how i feel about it .
Im just a woman with a male back ground who is proud of who i am.
No one gives a toss what i look like its all about ACCPTANCE, & i can tell you i have that were ever i go both here in N Z ,Austraila ,or Thailand , so i belive that counts for far more, than if i had the looks or passed .Hey thats for me , okay
Im involved with many groups & do photo work for them & some are women only,& i have a high profile so people do know me. & talk with me just as any woman does .
Iv just come back from being with our Renassince group of 210 people & others who came in for a day just to see what we do. now i talked with most of those people . & i was told by one lovely woman .
we all come in different sizes & shapes & how we look . you see its not a problem well i know its not ,
We are all different & even in this group im accepted for who i am & yes im different yet again than many here. its all about understanding that we are different & how we go about life & for those who are transyioning ,
I know many have other details to go through
What i did & how i went about details were very different in a lot of ways as to say those who are T S….i did not have disphora or problems related to that.
So for this nut case kid im just a woman who has been accepted as she is. not for what im not .
Life is to live to enjoy & be happy doing that,
Jos is liveing in her c/c flat & i helped move her there with our house hold things , we still do shoping to gether see each other & yes i pick her up so can still stay with me for a few days every few weeks .
what has changed is Jos needs time away from me even tho wev spent 37 years to gether. one day our home will be sold & ill live in our mobile home & may be get a bit of land & stay on that . we knew this was going to happen so ill work out. we are two women who can still be friends just we have a bakground together.
…noeleena…
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I can offer some thoughts on some of this Tess, unfortunately not all however. As for the flattery thing, don’t feel bad about that at all, it’s a good sign that you have the ability to “pass” for starters but in the entire scheme of things, it is a nice thing hear. I get the same thing happening to me while I’m on my garbage run from some of my customers and in the beginning I will agree that it’s nice but after a while it isn’t so much of a surprise. If anything it has turned into a worry that none of them find out that I’m TG as one of my admirers is a nightclub bouncer for starters!
As for sexuality, I agree that you will have some thoughts of wonder and I did too but in that respect the best that I can offer is to advise you to really take some time to think about what you really want out of life in that respect but if you are too mixed up with it then a talk with your gp. at the minimum may be in order. There is a thread in the “Gender and Sexuality” forum (this one) about Transvestic Fetishism that you might want to have a read of as well, it has been locked so you can’t reply in it but maybe some of the posts might help you with your thoughts as well.
Take your time and work this one out Tess, a lot of us have had to.
Peta A. -
Hi Tess
I think for any of us, if we believe that we know exactly what we want, beyond any shadow of doubt, before any treatments, we are deluding ourselves.
We may have a fair idea about our sexuality, likes and dislikes, what we want to achieve, what we think we can achieve, but it is fluid and not a given. We NEED to be flexible about timelines, expectations and even results.
When our “expectations” are not met, that is when we get depressed and full of doubt. If the results are “better” than we expect, then that is the time to celebrate. But, there are no goals in this journey – only checkpoints.
I hear about so many who are “endebted” to their spouses or children or family because they have given us the freedom to express who we are “sometimes” so we have to spend our lives in denial of what we “feel” we really want. If it was a true “need” AND our partners (whoever) really loved us and they can see this is causing us so much pain – HOW can THEY bear to see us suffer so?
I understand security, love, responsibility all weigh heavily on our decision. For some it’s because they don’t think they will be “pretty” or the persecution they may experience. But, when the time is right, it is nearly impossible to fight it. Sometimes, just being free enough to able to express ourselves on a few occassions will be sufficient to keep the need to transition at bay. BUT, maybe, the need to transition is more important to justify what we need to do rather than actually need to change gender? It is an extreme opinion – but I wonder how many people transition to get the body to match their desires – rather than to match the gender they believe they should be? As I said – extreme.
I never set out to transition. I took it one step at a time and just gave myself permission to feel how “normal” it felt as I went. The more “normal” it felt for me, me further it drove me to the point of actually transitioning. The goal was never to be a “woman”. I just let the “woman” I truely always was take hold and feel comfortable in myself. And those who have known me a long time have commented on how I now “fit” the body and presence I now have.
My opinion has been formed by talking with many others, doing lots of research, having interactions with those who succeed and those who “fail”. The only real failures I have found are those who have it all planned in the beginning and the journey doesn’t match their goals and they “fight” to stick to the original plans and are not flexible enough to change their targets.
Cliched sayings that are so true –
A journey of a thousand miles is begun with one step! (If you don’t take a step you will never get anywhere – and don’t plan too far into the future – the journey may seem too impossible to begin with so you don’t even try)
Nobody plans to fail – but many fail to plan (have an outline of what you want to achieve, but maintain the flexibility to alter those plans)
Anyone can make mistakes, but only fools repeat them (do I need to elaborate?)
I hope that somewhere above you can find the answers you are looking for. No one can tell you what to feel or what you need to do. That has to come from you. There are many who transtion and try to maintain their relationship from pre-transition – there are not many who succeed in the long run. Many try for a period. It’s hard work and lots of guilt. Even who you are attracted to may change. People grow. People change. And not just those who transition.
Good luck in your journey.
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we live and if we learn will find often things are not what they first seemed to be, i thought i wanted to hide, and thought i was happy where i was, and that my remaining in the shadows was for me, i thought i was in control of this , that emotions were in hand, but all is not so.
I don’t want to hide , and i was not happy,in the shadows for the benifit of others, this is me so i cant control it, and the emotions have me in their hand!Guess i see where you are coming from in my own round about way if ever you think you know it all you still have a lot to learn.
I imagine an answer to every question is possible with reflection and it sounds to me that is what you are doing, so it will become clear at some time , though the anwer is not always what we want. -
I’d like to thank all you ladies for taking the time to post your comments. While it is comforting to know I’m not alone and that people have walked this journey before me I understand that I must walk my own path alone.
I know this may sound very deep and meaning full (I should give up the drinking… lol) but I just seem to be in a rut at the moment. Things seem to have all gathered up all at once and pounced on me. I just feel that my transitioning seems to have stalled. The hormones haven’t taken as great as effect as I had hoped for so as for the boobs, surgery seems my next option. My Voice sucks and the training just isn’t doing it. And now I’m question my sexuality as well So when these guys (yahoo chat) all wanted to hit on me I thought it was great but then it just remained me that I’m not where I want to be on my path and it just gets me down.
I moved to Toowoomba just over a year ago and while I love it here and have absolutely no desire to move back to Brisbane. I do miss my friends (both TG’s and others) terribly. I also stopped seeing my councillor at the Brisbane Sexual Health Clinic. I have seen a councillor here but while she did try to understand my issues she didn’t really help at all.
I’m sure that I’ll bounce back again but just right now I needed to vent my thoughts and feeling to someone that would understand.
So having said all that I would like to say again thank you all for your thoughts and comments
Tess -
Tess,
It’s been a few months since you posted this thread. I was wondering how you are coping. We are still all here for you. I’ve only recently joined TgR but am on an identical journey.
Trust you are safe, well and happy.
Lotsa luv
Catherine
