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Reflections of a partner of a trans* person
Hello all
My partner and I ran into trans* person we’ve known off and on for a while a couple of weeks ago – she was asking a few questions about the partner’s experience. Upon reflection, my partner wrote this. I thought it was worth sharing on TGRCheers
SarahSome thoughts from the partner of a trans* person:
My partner’s gender identity is not about me.
My partner was not ‘doing it to me’. I am not the victim and they are not the perpetrator. They didn’t mean it to happen – it’s just who they are and, like anyone else, their long term happiness and ultimate ability to form and maintain relationships depends on accepting who they are. Our pathway forward needed to be built on open honest dialogue and love.
Past secrecy regarding gender non-conformance is often caused by a life time in the closet. My partner did not put themself there, their parents and the culture they grew up in did. It was sometimes hard to deal with my partner coming out; however, I did not consider that this was the same as lying to me. I can imagine it would be harder if it was done suddenly and with little warning.
I needed to realise how it challenged my own sense of gender and not let my thoughts get in the way of my support to my partner. I have used this as a chance to examine my own and community perception of gender and the boundaries we put around gendered behaviour.
I know any change will take time to adjust to and sometimes I have a feeling of loss for the status we had as a married couple. Change is hard work but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it and things are getting better and easier. An example is that simple things like remembering the new name and pro-noun can take time!
I get to be out in the world as myself and needed to consider my partner who once in transition is out there full-time. There are times when it is hard for them even though this is what they ultimately want. I need to continue to be empathetic to their needs during the transition which will get easier as everyone gets used to things.
It is also true though when I am out with my partner I am also outing myself as the partner of a trans* person and the timing of this needs to be mutually agreed to.
I also had to come out to my family, friends and associates. I didn’t expect immediate support from everyone, but I have been pleasantly surprised so far. We do need to remember to take our wider family and close friends along with us as they are also going through change and appreciate regular updates.
I decided that I can choose how I respond to situations. Instead of immediately reacting without thinking, I have an opportunity to think about my response and consider why I feel like reacting that way and what the consequences are. People don’t make you feel something.
In our family, transitioning has not been an excuse for my partner to give up on what has to be done for our family to function. I do feel as a partner I need to provide a lot of support but at the same time I have to be aware of being a ‘rescuer’ for them and preventing them dealing with the full effects of their choices. My needs remain just as valid and I also need support. Professional help was valuable here.
I am happy there is a pathway forward for my partner to feel a little happier.
It’s all about our relationship; what has been, is now and will be tomorrow. We needed to peel back the layers around us – society, community, family and be honest about our individual needs and what our relationship needs. What really changes? Can we deal with that change? We believe my partner is still the same person and our relationship is still the same.
Our experience has been it is possible to have a fulfilling sex life during transition by being sensitive to each other’s needs and happiness, and being willing to explore.
I found I have learned a lot about myself and have gained an understanding about privilege, prejudice and advocacy. I have some days when I feel it would have been simpler not to have had a trans* partner, however, I am in a better place for this experience. -
1 Reply
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Of course my partner (wife) read Sarah’s post on the reflections of a transpartner and, as a result became very quiet for some time. I guess she was thinking and considering the reflections that were posted.
The bottom line was that she totally agreed with what had been written. It’s not easy being a transpartner, it’s bloody hard at the best of times. Irrespective of what we think, our partners are deeply affected by our constant desire to present as a facsimilie of a woman. A partner would need to be psychologically exceptionally strong; (I’m thinking more of water off a ducks back). I’m very lucky in having such a partner, many of you have met at various functions. It’s not been easy for her, its been bloody hard which makes me feel like an absolute bastard, which in the main I don’t need. Nevertheless we progress, constantly learn from each other and as a result readily accept the foibles of others and recognise our own weaknesses. I am indeed a very lucky person.Hugs to all
Liz