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My Female Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used ToBe Male
In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on a woman who hasn’t told her boyfriend she used to be a man. [recorded]
members thoughts?….
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6 Replies
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Quote:Q. My Female Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be Male!: My cousin is a beautiful woman, formerly a man. She has done a couple of modeling jobs as well. She has a lot of guys after her but never had a serious relationship until now. She met my co-worker “John” several months ago and things are starting to get serious. That’s why I was surprised to discover that she hasn’t told him about her gender reassignment. I usually think that the past is generally best left in the past, but this to me is a huge exception. By hiding her past as a man, I feel that my cousin is hiding a big and important chunk of her life. My cousin says that John does not want kids anyway so she has no reason to tell him. I now feel guilty whenever I see John. I know that only a handful of people outside the family know, but expected her to tell John when they got serious. Should I insist on her telling him, or butt out of it entirely?A. I agree that beginning a relationship does not require presenting your new love interest a due-diligence dossier, nor a cheek swab of one’s DNA. But there is some information that potential partners are entitled to pretty early on; these include one’s marital status, STD test results, interactions with law enforcement, relevant medical conditions (including previous substance abuse problems), questions about sexual orientation, and gender at birth. For some potential partners the information revealed may elicit a shrug: “I have herpes, too.” For others it will be a deal-breaker: “I appreciate you’re telling me you’ve got three kids out of wedlock, but I think we’re just at different places in our lives.” That Juliette was born Jason is just one of those things that will be revealed eventually. Juliette should realize the dishonesty of not telling could itself become a relationship ender. When relationships get serious, that usually leads to visits with the family, and often a look at childhood photo albums. Juliette will either have to keep John away, or ask her family to do an Soviet-style editing of history. It’s just not going to work—someone is going to out Juliette, and surely she knows it. I think you should tell your cousin she’s living in a dream world and that she’s being unfair to John, even if he has a lack of desire for children. Of course, it could be that John flees, or it could be that he says, “She’s more than woman enough for me.” But it’s his right to know the crucial piece of history. You are in a difficult position since you have relationships with both parties, but you didn’t fix up John and Juliette, so you don’t bear that moral responsibility of letting him know. I think you should tell your cousin you will not be the one to deliver the news to John. If he brings up the relationship with you, you can be non-committal and tight-lipped and just say you’re glad to hear he’s enjoying your cousin’s company.
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Whilst I will never be faced by the dilemma “Juliette” is faced with – I can comment on the case perhaps from the perspective of “John”.
As is so frequently the case with these potted agony aunt “problems” there is so much information that is not presented. For instance I’m curious if the questioner is bringing up the subject out of spite because she also fancies “John”. But if we are being asked for a hypothetical opinion then perhaps we can ignore the missing detail.
I think there are two issues that John could reasonably have a grievance about if “Juliette” decides to keep her past to herself.
The first is the disappointment when he, like many men, grows into being ready for a family – and finds that it is not possible.
The second is the breakdown in trust when, inevitably, he explores his partner’s missing past and finds the truth.The first issue is not something faced alone by those who have changed their external physical sex. “Julliette” shares with all medically diagnosed infertile women the knowledge that she is unable to conceive. There is plenty of advice on the web for intersex and infertile women who find themselves in relationships. After reading the advice that is out there, I think Prudie is wrong to assert that “there is some information that potential partners are entitled to pretty early on”. Putting all the cards on the table in the way Prudie suggests would probably dampen any true relationship forming. However, I think it would be completely inappropriate for “Julliette” to enter into a serious partnership without sharing her infertility with “John”. So the advice is the same… only the timing is different.
The second issue is very specific to those who have a past life presenting as a different physical sex. In this case my hypothetical guidance is that every true relationship must be based on honesty. Honesty, does not mean telling your partner everything so you have no secrets. We all have secrets in our past that we rightly decide are burred in the past and not relevant to our life going forward. Rather, I think the obligation is to answer any question you are asked honestly…in other words to tell no lies. So once again, there is no timeline for putting all the past on the table.
I would hypothetically advise “Julliette” to acknowledge that there will come a time when “John” asks her a question and she has the option of lying, or outing her past. And I would advise her that telling the truth under these circumstances is the only way she can have a robust on-going relationship. So the timing will be determined by “John” not by “Juliette”. Of course if “John” is so naive as to not have any questions about Juliette’s past, and the topic of marriage is raised, then perhaps “Juliette” will have to initiate a bit of “education”.There is only one part of Prudie’s advice that I can accept “as is”. And that is the opinion that a third-party should never “out” someone else.
This is something for “John” and “Juliette” to sort out between themselves. -
Looking at this as succinctly as possible. I tend to agree with the cousin, some things can’t be left where they have been swept under the carpet. If others, albeit but a few, already know; the reality is it is highly unlikely it would stay a secret forever. The question of broken trust would then arise.
If “Juliette” is unwilling to inform “John”, why? Is she scared of losing him? Is he worth keeping if he walks? If he doesn’t walk that would be priceless. If she doesn’t tell him surely that will gnaw at her conscience forever-it would mine.
And I have a friend for whom this dilemma arose. After many short relationships she found a man who really seemed to be the one; so ultimately she felt she had to tell him. He apologised-and walked. This case was a bit different in that plenty of people knew who my friend used to be, so the “inevitability factor” was high.
One wonders how many girls have found a stayer…
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The problem with these often hypothetical questions is that they can blossom to include a host of ripple effects around the same subject. I have my strong thoughts and feelings around such questions and at first I thought, ‘shut up’ and keep quiet, say nothing as you might just say the wrong thing. I put myself in the persons heels and pondered over her dilema.
Basically, I believe it all amounts to integrity and where do you stand in your honesty. I’m cannot offer advice as I married without disclosing my transgenderism, however it all eventually came out and caused a load of heartache. Like others have said it will come out eventually, like it or not. I think that the boyfriend deserves to know, no, he has a right to know before entering into any long term relationship. Without disclosure when he eventually discovers the ladies secret, he will feel at the best betrayed by his love. The lady then deserves to left high and dry. Its tough, I know, how many of us have gone through those similar feelings to preserve the status quo.Liz
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In my humble opinion, if the relationship is headed in a serious direction, she needs to come clean. Otherwise she is playing with fire. I feel that though everything may be ok now in the relationship (physically, emotionally etc.) there will be something that gives it up at some stage in the future. That could be something physical, or something from her past, or something else. It’s when this happens, anything is literally possible. One hopes it would be no problems at all and carry on loving each other, but on the extreme flip side, it could potentially trigger a reaction that could put her in harms way.
If it’s heading in serious relationship direction, I personally believe she needs to let him know.
As I said, it is my humblest of opinions, and I certainly cannot and no doubt never will, suggest I’ll face the same situation (only in my dreams lol). So it is only a distant opinion.
But I do wish her the best of outcomes
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If the relationship is to progress it would be best for her to tell him as soon as possile. If he finds out other ways the basic trust in the relationship between the people will be destroyed.
It will be difficult but she must tell him. If he doesn’t want her after knowign the truth he wasn’t for her anyway.
