-
Changing your name
This has probably been discussed before, but adopting a name has some similar issues. We have opportunity to feminize our names, which in my case would be Michelle, however I chose Ruth. Sounds kind of boring, old fashioned perhaps, but I connected to and have become attached with this name, and it gave and continues to give me some comfort in recognizing my identity. I don’t mean that in the sense of a dual personality, rather I like to think that a name chosen is an important start in a journey.
Ruth
-
6 Replies
-
I’d been thinking for some while of posting some more thoughts about choosing a name, but Ruth’s post has prompted me into action!
As Ruth says, choosing a name is often an important start in our journey of understanding ourselves.
But we often make that choice very early in our journey of discovery. Which means we choose a name without any real understanding of its implications for the future.I suspect that I was not alone amongst many of our “older” members in having to choose a “femme” name on joining one of the support groups like Seahorse.
I guess that in these times, the choice often occurs when selecting an alternative email address or social media identity.At this early stage in exploring our gender identity often secrecy and privacy are upper-most in our minds. And choosing a completely different “femme” name meets that need for anonymity.
With the first opportunities to express a more feminine gender, choosing a very “girly” name seems to underline the significance of the steps we are taking. As Ruth said it is ‘an important start in a journey”. It is a chance to say goodbye to boring drab David for a few hours and explore the exciting new future opining up for Gwendolyn!For some of us, the opportunities to express a more feminine gender are confined to the internet, support group meetings or perhaps occasional outings in public. For someone forced to switch in this way between David and Gwendolyn that initial choice of name, with its re-enforcement of the split persona, may well remain appropriate and comfortable.
But for many others our journey of discovery leads us to present our gender identity more frequently. And in that context the name we first chose may no longer facilitate the changes we are looking for.
One of the early actions frequently taken by those who decide they wish to present a feminine persona to society is to change their name legally. Often this means legally selecting that same name chosen in the euphoria of coming out. Having worked through all the paperwork and official bureaucracy to change names on everything from academic qualifications to power bills it is perhaps too late to reflect on the appropriateness of that initial “femme” name!
So perhaps it is timely that I present a case for adopting less overtly “feminine” names.
A) A feminine name cannot change how you are perceived by others.
In many cases the harsh reality is that others will perceive you as a feminine male or a masculine female. If that is the case, then fewer questions will be asked if your name matches that perception. If you are called “Chris” then the name fits no matter what is read. A Gwendolyn with a deep male voice is asking for a little more acceptance.
For many (most?) of us our journey will not include changing physical sex. So for those who transition to express their gender full-time an unambiguously female name combined with a male sex is bound to cause practical difficulties with bureaucracy. It would be nice if we could change these stereotype associations overnight – and throw away with those forms asking for “sex” and the archaic salutations of Mr and Mrs. But without widespread change in society that initial feminine name can easily be a liability in everyday life.C) There are many names that are perceived by society to be unisex. A recent informal survey we ran showed that maybe up to a 1/3 of TgR members have at least one legal name that is perceived as unisex. Just think how convenient it would be just to stick with that legal name as one goes forward on one’s journey of gender discovery. No issues with society over changes of name, or names not matching official records.
Though such a name would perhaps be seen as boring and unfeminine when first coming out – they can be far more practical for so many of the paths we find ourselves exploring later on.So perhaps the onus should be on those who collect and encourage “femme” names to educate. We could make it clearer that femme names, far from being a necessity, may turn out to be a burden to carry on our exciting journey of gender discovery.
I feel a web site update coming on !!!!!
Adrian
-
In my confused years (all 45 of them) I contemplated many different femme names. In the months before my wife discovered who I really was I was using Amanda in a virtual social networking world on the inter net, which was shortened to Mandy.
I used that name for the first few months but my wife really didn’t like it, but when it became obvious that I was going to eventually transition we discussed my name with a friend over a couple of drinks. As Denise has always called me Bobby and my friends and family all called me Bob or Bobby we deided if I used Bobbie it would be easier for all of those that mattered to get their heads around. I took my mother’s name as my middle name.
It worked out well at home, certainly as far as gaining acceptance. However my name has caused me some angst in my work environment. As I had worked with some of my workmates in my previous life it wasn’t possible to keep my private life private. So for quite a while I had to put up with them shortening my name. Most of them took the hint after I corrected them, but I still get it from time to time. If I had the chance to do it over, I definitely would choose a uniquely feminine name.
-
Adrian, as you already know, I hold very similar views to you regarding names & as you also know my full time display of my true gender has posed some tricky situations with regard to my name (Chloe) not matching my voice, especially with telephone contact. Likewise when I initially started presenting myself publicly my decision to use my given name of Craig didn’t match my physical appearance.
Just yesterday a situation arose that I will share to add another thought to the choice of name consideration. As a part of my work I perform consultations, either at my business premises or at the clients premises. Recently a man rang asking for advise, the result of the phone conversation was a booking for a consultation at his home. When he asked my name I said Chloe, he asked me to repeat it, then spell it, then he asked me was it my last or first name. It was obvious with the first question that he felt my name was incongruent with my voice. So as not to cause him any further difficulty I explained to him that I am a Tg person in transition bla bla bla… He was fine & addressed me by the name Chloe & we agreed to meet for the consultation.
Upon arriving at his home he greeted me at the door, a split second was required for him to take in the image of me & then we got down to business. Upon completion of the consultation he told me that he had actually dealt with me a few years ago (as Craig in male form) in the retail arm of my business. As is always the case, I take every opportunity to educate others about the existence of Tg people & so I did this time. His very first question to me was (verbatim) “Why on earth did you choose such a feminine name? you could have chosen Chris or Lee or the like”. I explained the very issues discussed in this thread & elsewhere about anonymity etc & he understood & accepted the reasoning but then went on to say that if I had not unintentionally gained his attention with my very feminine name & then taken the time to explain (on the phone) about my Tg status, that he probably would have reacted with shock when I arrived at the door looking contrary to what he expected. We agreed that in my circumstance that it may well be better to have a femme name & if required explain the situation if the person is unaware of my presentation.
I thought this situation would be worth mentioning as it shows up yet another consideration when choosing a name. Personally, I think that because each of us is different with differing circumstances & expectations of our gender display, that an educational thread would be wise to bring to the attention of anyone new of the varying outcomes & consequences of choice of name. For me, I’ve decided that because I do not intend to hide my origins (& don’t pass at close range anyway) but rather discuss them openly that it doesn’t really matter what my name is & at the moment I prefer Chloe for my own psychological reasons. -
I have found that by feminizing my former name, (Initials of my first names still being E.R) many of my former letters of appointment from former employers still hold well in my resume as most of them are addressed just in those initials followed by my surname. These letters of appointment, along with the reissue of my academic qualifications in my new name have worked well together. Also, I find that a number of my family still call me by my old nickname which sounds the same as my feminized middle name. So for them, it is not such a giant leap – which helps them. At the same time, wedding invitations, engagement party invitations and such from family are all addressed in my legal female name.
So from my experience, feminizing your former name can be better than adopting a totally new name. Though I do acknowledge that a name that is distinctly male is hard to feminize. -
I’m not sure about whats in a name and how it’s supposed to make me feel. I would imagine there are those who give their chosen name a great deal of purpose to who they want to be truely recognised as. Having a supportive partner the subject has really never been brought up for discussion. Perhaps it should within my relationship. I do feel as If I belong to my chosen name when I’m Bridgette and feel a great and overwhelming sensuality attached to who I want to be. The name is a part of that sensuality or desire to be whole with myself.
-
Quote:IHaving a supportive partner the subject has really never been brought up for discussion. Perhaps it should within my relationship.
A very good point. I assumed initially that having a “different” name would be useful in our relationship as a way of distinguishing the new behaviours and needs that my partner was exposed to.
But on the other hand it is useful to many to re-enforce to a partner that finding out about their gender diversity doesn’t make them a different person – they are still the person they first knew. In this context having a radically different name might send exactly the opposite message “goodbye to the Alan you knew… brace yourself and get to know Alison”
Now I have no need personally for a different name, my partner still likes to use the “femme” name to clarify the aspect of my personallity she is referring to.
We use names for so many purposes in a relationship!
