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Traversing The Gender Spectrum
I’m quite sure the subject of ‘Traversing the Gender Spectrum’ has been discussed previously on TgR. However I have this thing on spectrums buzzing around my head and I need to put pen to paper (2014 style).
It is a fact that many TgR members describe themselves as cross dressers. Nothing wrong with being a crossdresser, I started when I was about four years of age (catch them young I heard God say).I am not about to dictate who is what on the gender spectrum, however whatever goes on in my puny mind and my inner most feelings can probably be generalised, an archytype?
I myself started life as crossdresser and widely considered myself a crossdresser throughout most of my life. Everything was neatly catergorised and placed metaphorically in boxes; simple? I always ensured I recieved my weekly copy of the TV times (chuckle).With the life of the crossdresser came the usual guilt, shame and a feeling of ‘I ought not to be allowed to live, I’m too different and don’t fit in’.
Over the years I began to realise that the crossdressing was not the be all and end all, but a symptom of a much deeper and insiduous challenge; transsexuality. Over those ensuing years my attitudes and mindsets began to change. There again I suspect that those mindsets were always there and transsxualism was the abiding challenge that I had been endowed with from birth, or even pre birth. Others, that is friends have mentioned seeing subtle changes about my demeanor over the years, perhaps linked to an increasing inevitabilty of my place on the gender spectrum.
Despite never having surgery (SRS) or facial feminisation or even female hormones I feel that I have transitioned in attitudes and self worth and a personal acceptance of just who I am. Like everyone else we change, we grow in mind and spirit throughout life in maturity. What you see is not necessarily what is on the inside. I’m a big lad with a five o’clock shadow with thighs like Mal Meninga’s (not quite), yet my inner feelings speak of a strong femininity and an attachment to womanly things. I love floral patterns, my favourite colour is lilac, I can leave a pile of used tissues from viewing chick flicks. I’m told by my aging daughter I’m super sensitive.
Oh dear, will it never end? absolutely not. -
9 Replies
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The trouble is the whole population of this planet is one vast spectrum, you could agonise over it for weeks wondering where you fit in. However if you look into your own mind the answer is there, it just takes a little courage to accept the cold hard facts and then a long time adjusting to them.
Like you Liz I thought I was a cross dresser, then recently (the last 10 years or so) I discovered the Internet. Information started to come from there at a trickle to start with, then a flood. I like you have come to the realisation that I am a transsexual, although I describe myself as transgendered at the moment, as I don’t feel that my body would complement the full transition. Besides I am too old to start undergoing surgery to change my body now.
So I have settled into this spectrum of Transgendered and I am openly wearing some feminine clothing (although discreet) flashy earrings in both ears and changing my hair colour as the mood takes me. I think if people took the time to look at me they would see that a different person has evolved lately. Most people just aren’t interested enough in anyone but themselves these days though, and if they are they are just too polite to show that they have noticed the change in me.
Like you too Liz I love floral patterns, mauve coloured things and chick flicks, I even wander out the front door to the car on occasions in my nightie without thinking about it, I am just getting so used to being me I don’t consciously think about it too much any more.
You are right though Liz it is a matter of traversing different spectrums until you find the one that fits. Its a shame that many people die before they find their true selves.
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It is interesting perhaps that as we traverse the gender spectrum the words we use to describe ourselves tend to reflect our presentation.
Crossdressing in my experience isn’t about your inner gender, or who you are. It is about how you express yourself – your presentation.
I would suggest that crossdressing is nothing more than occasionally wearing clothes normally associated with the ‘opposite’ sex. Most of us, irrespective of our inner gender identity tend to crossdress at some time or other.A similar line of thinking leads me to conclude that a transexual is also a statement about presentation. It is someone who has changed their presentation by surgery so they no longer appear externally to have their birth sex. The audience for genital viewing is I hope more restricted than for crossdressing but it is an important aspect of presentation for some.
Presenting as a transexual or a crossdresser tells us little about the inner state of mind. There is no subjective way of determining the inner gender identity – the identify that drives us to present in a certain way. Nor are there any labels that can be applied as the spectrum is continuous and without agreed dimensions. Only we could know how we feel inside – but we are so wrapped in discovering ourselves we have difficulty accurately explaining our gender to others.
Crossdressing and transexual are therefore superficial boxes – all about presentation and not about the person inside. But we love this superficial categorisation by presentation – we dismiss people as “only being a crossdresser” or “not being full time” as if the way we present says more about our true gender than our opportunities.
This leads me to strongly disagree with the concept that we might go on a gender journey traversing from crossdresser to transexual. Although you may crossdress, considering your gender to be “a crossdresser” is to confuse presentation with gender identity. Thinking we are what we present is too simplistic and ignores the biological and societal constraints we live with.
Personally I think the truth is that our inner gender never changes, but are awareness of how it can be expressed does. The journey is one of understanding and not one of changing gender. Many of us wander along changing our presentation over time till circumstances, understanding, and confidence allow our appearance and inner gender to align.
Whether we present as a transexual, she-male, crossdresser, androdyne we, and only we, know what is realy going on inside.
Chances are that what you see is not necessarily an accurate reflection of what is buried inside. -
Hi Amanda , your spot on ,I think it is all about how you present yourself
I know my wife thought I was on a journey to gender re assignment , I always knew I was not ,
I have heard this a thousand times how we are on some journey, constantly evolving , and we will all sooner or latter end up progressing , I think the way we present our selves improves , this is often mistaken for a progression toward wanting something else ,I think if your true to yourself and others about what we want from being our selves , thats where we will end up , just because you may progress your look , get better at it , looking after yourself and may bee loosing a little weight , getting better at presenting yourself as a female , does not mean you are progressing
in My situation Happily married to a very accepting wife , this has been the biggest debate , with her often confusing me wanting to get better at presenting myself as me as progressing somehow ,
I personally have not felt like I was on some journey , infact nothing has changed at all as far as progressing toward wanting something different , The only thing that has changed is I am getting better at being myself.Once you accept this I think things are a lot easier ,
Mellisa S
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ever year there are new catch phrazes which i generally hate, not one for keeping up with trends accept maybe fashion. Woman up, is being used alot of late. Wouldnt that be great if more men stoped being one arm tatooed heros and chucked on a frock.
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Ask me as I went through the process and I would have said: pre-puberty that I hated or was terrified by the concept, shortly afterwards my mother’s clothing and me wearing them became a great turn-on. Over the next 50 years I “knew” for sure that I was a hetero crossdresser no more. For the last two years I have admitted to myself that I want to transition. Looking back I can see many hints of that desire hidden in my dreams/fantasies.
So, not before puberty but since, I can see a progression through the spectrum, a progression though of self-awareness rather than a change of underlying personality. -
I have to say liz I just loved the (catch them young ) put a smile on my face
Your wright on what you said and its good to see you wrote about feeling as being like us we are driven by those feelings nothng else.
A dress is a dress a skirt is a skirt just clothes but what makes us and drives us is our feelings and emotions
salleyj -
Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this topic. If there is one real problem with the ‘born this way’ mantra it’s that it can make people who aren’t sure or who are on a journey of understanding doubt that they are ‘really’ male/female/neither/both – if you’ve been that way since birth, surely you should know? But of course what is meant by those terms varies across societies and across time. And how we understand them and ourselves depends so much on what concepts, language, images and people we have encountered, and how ready we are to embrace new ideas and understandings. Which is why, IMHO, we should never, ever judge anybody else and how they present or how they identify.
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We are all individuals and no two people are the same, maybe close but never the same. I can only say what I feel around both my feelings and what I percieve as my truth.
I knew from a very early age that I was apparently different from others. It wasn’t about the way I presented myself, I was far too young and was subjected to the whims and dictates of adults both at home and at a very young age at boarding school. It was at boarding school at around the age of four that I first spent a whole day dressed in a white lacey dress resplendent with navy blue knickers. The reason, I had wet the bed yet again. I loved the dress despite being the recipient of taunts and laughter. I knew around that age I wanted to be a girl, why, I have no idea? It seemed to me that it was ingrained into my spirit, my being, my whole. Even at that age I was well aware that such notions would incite repercussions that I would regret, so I kept very quiet. And that is how continued throughout life.
Yes, the clothes are accoutrements to my expression of femininity. How else does one express how you feel deep inside, this so much anti social behaviour which, despite any prospects of deep resentment from friends and family, it feels right.
Transversing the gender spectrum may or may not be the true description, but it is how it comes accross to me. I guess it’s the learning curve, it’s what we pick up on and learn throughout life’s journey. It’s learning just who we are and where we fit in the scheme of things.
Some will never know, some learn very early in their lives, and good luck to them. I suspect most learn as they go, like me and it’s never ending in the accumulation of knowledge.
I know I am transsexual and have known for quite some time, but nevertheless have done nothing about it and live day by day. I’m married and have recently celebrated our anniversary (38) so something must be right, and as most who know me and ‘er indoors my challenge is shared.
I am what I am.
I have entered what is described in the Buddhist tradition as the 4th stage in life where I am reflective, consolidate my feelings, thoughts and expressions, or so I am told. Currently, my thoughts are absolutely racing around like the circular counter in an electricity meter when all appliances are turned on. -
I agree 100% with SallyJ’s comments.
The real thing is what you feel when wearing or doing what ever it is you want to be doing.
We cross dress because we like it. Some of us transition from their born features to that which are more fitting to how they feel.
At the end of the day we decide what shoes we wear.. we make the decisions our selves. Sometimes, identifying when the decision to dress as we do was made is easy… for some of us its harder…
XXX
Bree
