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One Or The Other – But Not Both!
I long ago learned to accept and live as a male over the last 30 odd years, but the underlying female soul has always yearned to be let loose. Thus, having been through the “mid-life crisis” period along with other recent traumatic events in my life, the desire to transition has returned with a vengence!
I’m on the verge of undertaking preliminary medical assessments – chromosone & hormone tests, perhaps a phyche evaluation / gender specialist appointment to determine if “ït’s the way to go” so to speak.
However, the only concern I have is starting medical treatment and never actually achieving a full transition (GRS etc…). In other words, I don’t want to end up with natural breasts from hormones and still have my male genitalia! Imagine going to the pool for a swim – what do I wear – a bikini or boardshorts?
I know absolute committment to transition is an obvious requirement, but it’s the potential adverse issues along the way that give me pause. If for health reasons I had to stop transitioning at an advanced stage, could I emotionally cope living in a body which is part femme and part male?
That’s my dilemma – I can survive in this perfectly healthy male body or in a GRS female body, but not stuck half way between the two!
CLARE
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8 Replies
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It is a very difficult decision to make and the risks of a halfway result would be a dissapointment to say the least, but many decisions we make in life have these risks, a decision to marry and have children is fraught with dire possible consequences if you sum it up!
For me , I try to think what life would be like after SRS and foresee that I would still be doing the things I am doing now [ the things I love] but with more complications both physically and socially , so why go through all that pain etc for little change in my reallife. Of course many others have a different drive to me but I am generally happy with life as it is.
Ther are plenty of Non – OP TS’s out there as role models ,you might consider looking at their experiences? -
Clare_1 First thing here i would like to say is no matter what be true to your self.
The journey we take in life is ours therefore what you choose to do matters greatly.
I gave thought to your worries re breasts and if things go wrong and you do not go on. You know you can have them removed:))
I made my mind up long ago i was going to fully transistion but thats me im aware others choose to keep there male part and again thats fine after all as this is my life so to it is theres:)
I believe here is something that u may find from asking around. You say about going swimming.. I am starting to look at swiming in a bi kini top and female board shorts.
I am sure there must be ways to tuck or hide this for swimming also>
I hope that wehatever you do you do not hold back from beeing true to your self out of fears:))
Nothing worse than living life saying i wonder what if i regret:))
Good luck with all and seeking medical advice is a good start:))
cheers
hugs
Jess
xoxxo -
There are plenty of “halfway” people out there living fulfilling lives. Life is complicated, and lots of people find that they may get at least some relief from hormonal treatment, but not be in a position to get SRS. They also may find that HRT works well enough and not desire SRS. I find that both of these apply to me.
The swimming pool issue is difficult. I admit that after 3 1/2 years of HRT, I don’t often go swimming anymore. But when I do, I wear a long-sleeve top, which also prevents sunburn. I don’t try to pass as female at swimming pools, but if I did, I’d invest in a waterproof gaff, or find some other way of smoothing things out down there. I also don’t use communal showers. Sometimes there is a single-occupancy “disabled” shower space, and I will use that. Otherwise I will take a rinse with my top and swimmers on, then change in a toilet, away from everyone else.
Simone.
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Quote:the only concern I have is starting medical treatment and never actually achieving a full transition (GRS etc…). In other words, I don’t want to end up with natural breasts from hormones and still have my male genitalia! Imagine going to the pool for a swim – what do I wear – a bikini or boardshorts?
could I emotionally cope living in a body which is part femme and part male?
CLAREYou seem to be answering your own question, do you think you could? If you’re asking the question I think you have doubts. I knew a lovely lady who lived full time, she was retired, lived on her own had heaps of friends and she had regular dinner parties with her friends who knew she was transgendered, but she never had any surgery! She had a heart problem which precluded her from any non urgent surgery.She lived her own life, she was a very happy person I believe.
Lots of people make do with what life has dealt them, lots of people manage with physical defects, but they alter their life to accommodate this as frustrating as it is.
So my dear, it is possible, but only you can decide that if, the circumstance arises, you want to. -
Hi Clare,
Everyones experience is different when transitioning except for one thing. That is fear. Fear of this ,that, everying. I had almost mind numbing fear throughout. I’m now a well adjusted very happy girl. I am still preop and if it doesn’t come about I will cope because being a non op transexual is much much better than being a guy. (My personal opinion of course).
If you go through the gender changing process through appropraite professionals you might find that your doubts vanish totally at some point. Mine did, but as I say everyones experience is different. From what you are saying I have no doubt myself as to your future path. I hope that you reach that point of no doubt too whatever path you choose.
Take care.
gwen -
Quote:However, the only concern I have is starting medical treatment and never actually achieving a full transition (GRS etc…). In other words, I don’t want to end up with natural breasts from hormones and still have my male genitalia! Imagine going to the pool for a swim – what do I wear – a bikini or boardshorts?
I always wear a bikini! No one notices anything, and I try and be pretty skimpy
A good mini Gaff under a bikini will do wonders to your shape and form! Ad I’m not “small” either.
My wifelette and children have no issues and I’ve never been called to talk in a pool.
In fact in public pools I am usually more accepted as a woman, than when in a skirt and walking in a shopping centre.
Go figure.
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I feel your dilemma Clare!
The fact of the matter for me as that whilst my years as being a man have been to most ends a big fake, this is who i was born as and to change or not to change has caused me no end of angst.
My plan is to continue having the argument in my head, seek more professional support, talk to others like myself and hear their stories and have more permanent change only when I have resolved in my head who i should be for the next 40 years.
Sometimes i think i am copping out. Generally i know that i have a great life and tumultuous change can only come with absolute clarity that i can be better off in my new life than i am in my current one. Yearning for my own boobs aside i need be be resolved.
I made the choice to give up relationships and live a a woman in my own space last year and it has been the second best thing i have ever done (my son was the best thing) and i’ll never go back.
Going forward, i cant just go with my heart, my head has to absolutely agree with the decision
I waited this long, whats a bit more time to resolve myself.
Good for you for your controlled approach. I hope you end up as the you that you want
I hope we all do
Sarah
p.s I go my bikini under my wetsuit in the surf and hope a shark doesnt take my leg off so the medics have to cut the wetty off…. -
You know who you are on the inside .. the rest is just kidding yourself. You said you have know for years .. If its a mid life crisis .. then its not the reason or the base line for your transition.. You will have to be who you really are for the rest of your life .. Your right .. there is no half way ..
Better confess .. to yourself soonish .. life is too short (so they say)
