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How Do I Come Out as Trans or Nonbinary?
From an article in Psychology Today
Written by Alex Stitt
Read the full article here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/queer-counselor/202311/how-do-i-come-out-as-trans-or-nonbinary
There’s no right or wrong way to come out. Some wait decades until they’re ready or until they’re in an accepting social environment.
Some open up to a trustworthy few and camouflage around everyone else. Some tell everyone the moment their egg cracks. Some reject the very notion of coming out altogether since we shouldn’t have to disclose our identity any more than we should hide it. As always, it’s a very individual process; context is only everything.
Coming out to someone supportive is called a soft disclosure.<sup>1,2</sup> No matter how awkward or vulnerable you feel, you already know they’re in your corner. Soft disclosures are a great way to bolster your self-worth and support network.
They’re also a good warm-up for the various hard disclosures.<sup>1,2</sup> It feels like a gamble if you don’t know how someone will react. If speaking your truth will impact your relationship somehow, you’re entering rocky territory. And if the odds of acceptance are low, or you know you’ll be rejected, then that’s a very hard disclosure indeed.
If you need to speak your truth, consider the when and where, allotting plenty of time in a safe environment to say what you need to say. When possible, get some backup, like one true friend or even your therapist, as there can be a lot of difficult emotions before, during, and after a big disclosure.
But most of all, affirm the effort over the outcome.
It’s easy to fall into an anxious or judgmental mindset, fixating on success or failure, so validate your values at every step. If you value honesty, you can hold onto your truth even if someone else doesn’t understand it.
If you value courage, every trial run counts, even if it takes ten tries to get the words out. And if you value authenticity, it’s OK to be uncertain, as gender exploration is authentic curiosity, full of sincere questions seeking sincere answers.
You’ll undoubtedly encounter cognitive dissonance, not because you’re split between good or bad, but because you have more than one set of personal values. Safety values stem from your self-preservation instinct, while self-actualization values cheer on personal growth.<sup>1</sup>
It’s important to balance both sets with self-compassion and an honest risk assessment to ensure you’re physically, emotionally, socially, and occupationally safe during an emergent growth process.
But the big question is how does one come out?
The obvious answer is however you need, but figuring that out can be tricky, so let’s look at some value-congruent ways people have come out before.
The Slow Reveal: If you value privacy, independence, and personal boundaries,
you may prefer a slow reveal since there is no big splash or “official”
coming out moment. Instead, you live your life and let other people
figure it out, or not, as the case may be…. read more onlineThe Correction: Sometimes, it can be easier to correct
someone at the moment than to rehearse what you’re going to say. This
often looks like one of those “um, actually” statements updating your
pronouns. This kind of disclosure may feel more natural if you value
spontaneity, factual honesty, or thinking on your feet…. read more onlineThe Daisy-Chain: If you’d rather get ahead of things,
you can daisy-chain a support network by having private one-on-ones with
your supportive friends and family. This is time-consuming, but it’s
great if you value friendship, compassion, and trust… read more onlineThe Press Release: Much like the old town crier nailing a proclamation to a message board, social media
allows you to get it all over and done with. This may be optimal if you
value control and clear communication, as you get to select who sees
your post and choose your words carefully… read more onlineThe Meeting: Celebratory meetings resemble a party with hugs and champagne. Vulnerable meetings look like family therapy. Hostile meetings are a shouting match. Awkward meetings make grandma spit out her champagne on the Thanksgiving turkey…. read more online
The Resolve: Sometimes, holding onto your authenticity can feel like an act of defiance, especially during hard disclosures. The resolve is simply this: “I shall be authentic, come what may.” As always, it’s important to keep yourself safe from harm, and for many
conflict-avoidant people, this kind of resolve is a big no… read more
onlineThe Reboot: Some people opt to move on instead of
coming out. If you value adventure, rebirth, and severance, relocating
to a new place and introducing yourself anew may be easier. Many try
this when they go to college or leave their parent’s house…. read more onlineRemember that sharing your authenticity is for you more than anyone
else, so don’t pressure yourself. Disclosure isn’t a finish line; it’s
an ongoing process. Yes, communicating your labels and pronouns is a
huge milestone, but authenticity is tiered with vulnerability, and
there’s so much more to share when you’re ready.
psychologytoday.com
How Do I Come Out as Trans or Nonbinary?
Follow this guide for value-congruent disclosure.
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1 Reply
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Just a wonderful article. So helpful, plus I have identified the method which I am doing on my own volition. For me the “Slow reveal”. It’s been wonderful. For an older girl/woman it’s so much easier. Had a interesting discussion last night with the ex wife… (that’s why we divorced, the cross dressing). We were married 18 years and now divorced for 12 years. She thought I would “grow out” of cross dressing. The surprise when I told her I went to the Ball as Rosie. Thanks for reading.