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What is the trick to getting out in public?
Hi all, It really dis-heartens me to read a lot of the profiles and threads and realise that we all love what we do but are too afraid to go out in public, presumably worried about ridicule. I myself love to dress up in fine clothing and feel really special, but when it comes to actually stepping out it all becomes too much and I back out. So, how do you do it? Does it help to go with a friend or are we better off on our own, or perhaps several friends going to a coffee shop for a cuppa. It is difficult in a small town where nearly everybody knows you. Do I just slowly add more fem clothing to what I wear under my male clothes until one day I find myself out there in full dress? Does the wig and makeup help, do you think, in hiding an identity? Whats the trick?
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13 Replies
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Quote:Hi all, It really dis-heartens me to read a lot of the profiles and threads and realise that we all love what we do but are too afraid to go out in public, presumably worried about ridicule.
From personal experience, I can assure you that that fear is entirely unfounded if you present yourself appropriately for the circumstances. I have got it all wrong in the past and experienced abuse because of it, and it did put me back into the closet for a while.
Quote:I myself love to dress up in fine clothing and feel really special, but when it comes to actually stepping out it all becomes too much and I back out.Been there, done that. Even if you start getting out, if you stop for too long it can become difficult to start again.
Quote:So, how do you do it? Does it help to go with a friend or are we better off on our own, or perhaps several friends going to a coffee shop for a cuppa. It is difficult in a small town where nearly everybody knows you. Do I just slowly add more fem clothing to what I wear under my male clothes until one day I find myself out there in full dress? Does the wig and makeup help, do you think, in hiding an identity? Whats the trick?There are two fundamental things that are necessary to be able to go out. Confidence and presentation.
After hiding for several years after a bad experience, I simply worked on my presentation until I was confident that it was non-descript but passable enough to go out. The first few outings were simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating!
As I’ve been getting out more often and my confidence has improved, I’ve started expressing my personality more and more. That means that I’m dressing appropriately for where I’m going but I’ve moved from a mousy “don’t want to be noticed” look towards a more stylish “woman about town” look that means that I’m wearing things that I want to wear instead of things that I think will minimse the attention that I’ll get. I’m still yet to wear 4″ stilettos to the shopping centre but that’s probably going to happen within the next few months.
My wife thought that I was going to wear a pair yesterday and I should have because the flats that I did wear hurt my feet!A few suggestions:
➡ If there is a regular cafe night in your area, go along. It’s okay to go as a boy if you’re not ready to go out as a girl, and you’ll get to see other girls who are comfortable being out in public. Just being with them can give you confidence. I’d really like to see more regular cafe nights around the country, and it’s the local experienced girls who can make it happen. It also gives girls an opportunity to meet others when they travel, or go out a long way from home.➡ Try to find a mentor. Of course, members who are out would need to be prepared to mentor others to help them get out. Mentoring can be anything from a one-off meeting where someone helps you to improve your presentation through to an ongoing exercise that goes on for years. There is no limit on the number of mentors that a person can have, or the number of people a mentor can help. Personally, I’m prepared to mentor others as long as I can fit it in my busy schedule.
➡ Go along to a group like seahorse. From experience, I describe these groups that have private, closed meetings crossdressing with training wheels. Going to the meetings and knowing that you are not going to be exposed to the public can help you to improve your confidence so that it’s easier to go out in public later.
➡ Join toastmasters or a theatrical group. Toastmasters may seem like an odd suggestion, but public speaking is primarily about confidence. The same sort of confidence that you need to have to go out in public crossdressed.
➡ Accept that if you do a good job of presenting yourself, very few people who know you will ever recognise you. Almost everybody who is hiding in the closet desperate to get out is absolutely convinced that everybody will recognise them. Get it right and most really won’t. I had a photo of myself out at a cafe night and asked my 13yo niece who she thought it was. She guessed my sister and my aunt, and commented that she could see a family resemblance. She only guessed that it was me because her sister and I were laughing hysterically about it.
Alice
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Thanks so much for all the info and guidelines. I’ll take it all on board and see how I go. Am a seahorse member so will try to organise something when I come down next time. Once again many thanks for the help.
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It almost seems superfluous to say anything after Alice’s brilliant reply. Heaps of wisdom and experience coming through there. But as I’m just at the take a deep breath and step through the door stage myself I thought I might just reflect on my own way of dealing with it. I have a friend who has taken me out driving and visiting across town, that was a good start. Week before last I was in another part of the state and went to visit another gurl and her wife. I was staying in a motel and as luck would have it when I went to leave there was a group of workmen hanging around outside smoking and talking. My heart was thumping when I left my room but the thrill when I stepped out was indescribable. There was a slight pause in the men’s conversation. I don’t know if they sussed me or whether they liked my legs! I think the hard part is, as Alice mentioned, getting a look that is appropriate and feeling confident. I think practice makes perfect there. Then it’s a matter of finding a circumstance where you can get out in “safe” circumstances. I find as you pass one threshold you are more enthusiastic about reaching the next.
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Susan
You have received 2 good replies. Just a couple of additional thoughts. It’s all about confidence which comes from experience. Yet that first step outside is so frightening. Trust us though that with thought about your presentation and planning about where you go (or don’t go) you will find the general public a good bunch of people.
Take the first step with a friend who could be a GG if you know one prepared to go with you or a mentor. Go somewhere well away from your home town where you are very unlikely to see someone you know. This is more for your confidence than someone actually recognising you.
Even after regular outings, I still take a deep breath as I open the door.
Hopefully that won’t change.Michelle
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Susan,
As a person who has just been to the ball for te first time, I can empathise with you and at the same time recommend you take Alice’s advice and profit from the wise counsel she is providing.
I went out in public for the first time last Thursday night. Dinner at a hotel, I thought I’d die there and then and was expecting the other diners to gawk at me and point accusingly before heaping ridicule on me. I am glad Noeleena from NZ was there to give me sufficient confidence not to panic. I realised after about 15 minutes that after a few half glances nobody was taking any notice of me. I felt relieved and from there came confidence. The weekend built upon that and being with other girls really helped as there was always somebody to talk in an encouraging manner.
Before the weekend climaxed with the ball we (Noeleena, Lucie and I) spent Saturday lunchtime in Darling Harbour.
Alice’s advice should be framed and placed on every CD’s wall!
Helen
PS, All thanks to Noeleena for her continuous support, enthusiasm and assistance, it was great!
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hi all … i am pleased that i was able to help you .. Helen . i had a neat time being able to come over here to your contry as a guest . i know i talk to much & love to help & give of my self to you all.. .. thats just me thank you all . it was a neat time at the ball i know there were tears from me as i was able to meet up after 12 months of talking …then to see you all …yea & hug you . yea . hey that was so neat . & yes as i write this there are tears ……. . i have sent a letter over to the u k girls as well just to let them know as well. thank you all so much … …noeleena…
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Hi Susan, Peta here. I don’t reply on forums too much but every now and then I see something that interests me and I say my thing so here it is. I went out nearly 16 years ago now at night once only with a friend [gg] and felt so good, no probs. at all, confidence, looks and so on. March 2008 was when I first went out in public again [properly, you could say] and yes, the nerves were phenomenal. However, I got up one Sat. morning and just said to myself, “what the heck? do it”. You have had lots of good advice in the above posts and you have to work out what suits you the best of course. For me though, I just decided that if I get “picked out” or recognised then I’ll deal with it when it happens. That time is yet to come but when it does, as I’m sure it will, my confidence to deal with it will be so strong as I am now totally relaxed and confident as a girl due to experience you could say. If I can handle shopping for groceries and general running around etc in Western Sydney [because if I get picked out, I may not tell the the story you know with some characters around here!] then the sky is the limit. Just remember, as you’ve already been told, the first step is the hardest. I think though, that if you keep putting it off then that step will be taller and taller every time you try.
Hope this helps out, Peta.
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hey susan – i have met quite a lot of trans people, over quite a long period of time, over wide degrees of “out-ness”, and i don’t think i have ever encountered one that thought that they came out too early. in fact most, if not all, wish that they had done it a lot sooner in their lives. just take a deep breath and go. it gets better the more often you do it!
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Thanks all, I think I’ll do it the way my folks taught me to swim. Hold my nose take a deep breath and jump out so far as not to be able to come back easily with out taking a few strokes. Thanks all agian for the support.
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I went for my first swim in hot pink one piece swimwear about 4years ago on quite beach looking over to manly i did get weird looks from some people but must of them did care that guy dress in ladies swimwear i did have couple guy come over and chat me up and very kinky lady as well.
I have move out west to place call dubbo and just found quite spot to dress in my new bikini and when summer comes i be sunbake in public out here. 😆 -
I arrived in Australia from the UK just over a month ago. I have been in New South Wales for just about three weeks.
The first full day I was in NSW I tried on a frock in bloke mode in Millers in Shellharbour. No problem. I bought a skirt a few days later, also in Shellharbour, and a top in a fantastic esoteric clothing shop in Wollongong called ‘Something For Doris’ a few days later. A couple of days later I went out dressed for the first time since I got here; another shopping trip in Shellharbour.
It’s all about confidence; I make every effort to be presentable and just hope to be accepted as a tranny who has made such an effort. I had no idea how people might react; I wasn’t just dressed in a new town, but in a country that was new to me as well. But everything was fine and I had a great time.
I do have the advantage that I am out to my family, so have nothing to hide. And no-one else I meet here has any expectations or preconceptions about me, so I can, to some extent, make being a crossdresser part of the ‘me’ they find out about. That’s not to say I tell everyone, but if clothes shopping in bloke mode I’ll happily admit that it’s me I’m shopping for. Makes life so much easier.
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I go out dressed as often as I can in public, usually at night both driving and walking on the street. I draw little if any attention to myself since I dress to blend in with other GG. If a guy or girl look in my direction, I appear as normal and calm as I possibly can and more often than not they either think I am a GG or are unsure beacuse I am not dressed outrageously and therefore do not stand out like a sore thumb. I see other CD’s dressed in their ‘fantasy’ clothes with absolutely no sense of putting on make up, trying to pass off. Surely you are setting yourself up to be picked on and could be abused. If you plan on wearing high heels which most of us wear, just make sure it is not some outrageously high heel or shoe colour that is almost impossible to walk in. And as a parting shot, dress smart and walk with your head held up high. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Hope this helps.
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I remember this thread way back when……! What you have said here Sue makes a lot of sense and you could not have made it anymore simpler. This sentiment has also been echoed in other threads here too but if you stand out then yes you will get noticed and that is for sure. I understand for some that after some considerable time in the closet there is a “rush” that makes you want to look good but you do have to think seriously about where you are going to go and what you are going to do.
Peta A.
