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Can wearing a wig really change your personality?
Many crossdressers are born out of a mid-life crisis that cannot be resolved by purchasing a fast sports car. They may have dressed in secret for much of their adult life and have the experiences of a conventional marriage, family, and career behind them. Then in mid life, finally there is both the time and the imperative to address issues of gender and explore the hitherto hidden girl within.
I don t care much for scientific classifications that pigeonhole sections of the transgender population. But it is an inescapable fact that I have found myself part of a large group of girls all of whom had a superficially similar mid-life metamorphosis. Faced with similar problems it is no surprise that we seem to come up with similar solutions.
In this article I am going to generalize about the mid-life crossdresser experience. My observations are based on many years working in a support group and innumerable conversations, but as with all generalizations there will be exceptions. My aim is not to suggest that all mid-life crossdressers are, or should be, treated the same, but rather that we do frequently display common characteristics. Understanding more about the common path we follow can help us interpret correctly the signs we see along the way and assist others in relating to us as we make our own personal journey.
When a transgender comes out as an adult she carries the psychological baggage of many years of mature male life; her life is cluttered with family, social and emotional constraints. In the process of coming out she must not only determine who she wants to be, but also find out what from her past is still relevant. The awakening of the girl within holds both the promise of realizing long suppressed desires, and also the threat of damaging important relationships that have been built up over time.
The emerging girl naturally seeks to project an image of herself as a female.
But the risks attached to coming out frequently constrain how and when this can be done. The safest option is to separate and quarantine the female and male aspects of their life and explore each separately. And so from the one personality we frequently see two different personas develop one male and the other female. The extent to which a split persona develops differs between individuals, but all mid-life crossdressers seem to manifest it at some time to some degree.Seeking the best of both worlds, the crossdresser often retains an essentially unchanged male persona for family and work whilst developing a female persona amongst her newly found girl friends. Because female and male behaviors are kept separate the new female is not constrained to develop out of the male, and frequently establishes itself as different and in complete contrast. This can come somewhat as a surprise to someone who is familiar with the crossdresser as a male. It is common to hear such girls explain how they are a different person when they put a wig or skirt on. A more likely truth is that their inner personality is unchanged but when dressed as a female they are projecting a very different external persona.
The unconstrained female persona is often great fun and can be an effective way of exploring who we are. An accelerated development allows the crossdresser to squeeze many years of a genetic woman s life experiences into a whirlwind few months. It allows an exploration of possibilities without commitment, and of experiences without judgment; all frequently facilitated by access to a middle-aged line of credit. And with no need to consider the everyday she can enjoy the impractical, trying out large breast forms, high heels, long wigs and delicate lingerie. Showing less restraint than a kid in a candy store the new girl has only one constraint, to keep this new life separate from the boring drab existence of being male.
But the separation of the female persona also presents a significant risk. It can be such fun and so addictive that it becomes confused with reality. So much so that when the she comes in contact with her past, in the form of partners, friends or children, the outcome can be unexpected and disappointing. From an outside perspective the female persona is often self-centered, shallow and pleasure seeking. Worse still it may be so different from the person others are familiar with that they feel they are relating to a stranger. The frequent assertion that I am still the person you married may be true, but the persona being projected is often far from the same.
Clearly living as two personas, managing to keep them separate, and selecting the right one at the right time, is difficult. It is also feels unsatisfactory as each persona is in some way a denial of the other. As a result few girls maintain the separation for an extended period of time and those that continue do so out of necessity rather than choice. As the mid-life crossdresser becomes more comfortable with their sexuality and with what they want to be, they develop in a way that reflects the relative strengths of their male and female personality. .
Potentially the least satisfactory evolution is where the need to be female is suppressed by the risks attached to crossdressing. Occasionally a crossdresser will abandon the female persona and go back into the closet. Invariably this is a result of pressure being applied by partner or family. Few crossdressers share their experiences after making such a forced denial.
Some girls progress by throwing away completely their old male side and living full-time as a female. This allows them to adopt their female persona and develop their personality, in so far as it is possible, to match. They frequently loose the support of those who cannot live with these profound changes. This can be a difficult path to follow but is the only practical option if the male persona no longer holds any attraction or relevance.
More frequently mid-life crossdressers evolve in a third direction. Faced with the reality of having to maintain, to some degree, their former male role and interests, the crossdresser starts to merge the two personas. Their personality gradually morphs to include the desired characteristics of both being male and female. The girl invades the life of the boy pushing at the boundaries of what may be socially expected or normal but this presents little risk in a society used to labelling such behaviour as gay. In the reverse direction the girl becomes more practical developing a wardrobe and interests more consistent with a genetic woman of her age. The crossdresser may still lead a life with separate activities and friends but as the two personas merge it is no longer necessary to consciously switch between them. Often all that is required is some residual care about sharing personal information, particularly at work but this is not a problem unique to crossdressers! And without a wig as a reminder the girl may have to think more carefully which door to use in a public toilet!
The visible changes associated with this evolution are often subtle. Girls talk about growing their hair rather than wearing wigs, preferring small natural breasts to uncomfortable forms, removing facial hair, having manicures, and of course their underwear becomes more practical and comfortable as it becomes everyday.
The psychological changes that occur can however be profound. It appears that freed from the artificiality of a split existence the transgender personality within can grow stronger and mature. Girls describe how when dressed as a man the earlier feeling of gender denial diminishes, and when dressed as a girl it feels more complete and permanent. In stark contrast with the earlier candy store phase, which frequently leads to impulsive and potentially destructive decisions, the balanced personality seems to result in ultimately more satisfactory life choices.
So if the majority of mid-life crossdressers head down this third path what happens next and where does it ultimately lead? Obviously, that is something that only an individual can discover. The options and opportunities still ahead are numerous, and whilst many girls start their journey in the same way this provides no clue to their final destination.
In conclusion I am proposing that when a crossdresser comes out in mid-life they frequently adopt a female persona that neither reflects their inner personality nor is sustainable. This appears to be a valuable stage in our development that also presents significant risk. Different individuals evolve at different rates in different directions, but many girls appear to gradually modify their male and female personas to establish a more balanced transgender personality that forms a basis for their continuing development.
This article was originally published in the March 2008 magazine of Seahorse NSW.
The copyright for this article is retained by the author Amanda. -
13 Replies
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Amanda, thanks so much for reprinting this article. Many of the ideas reflect how I have been thinking about myself lately. The thought that I can ‘develop in a way that reflects the relative strengths of [my] male and female personality’ is a very powerful one for me at the moment. And interestingly I did, without thinking, and in male mode, simply walk into the ladies loo at the shopping centre the other day…. followed by a quick about face after a not so friendly look..
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Jeanie,
Thanks for the feedback on my article – it is the only way I can find out if my observations are valid or not. I’m not sure what I can suggest to avoid walking into the wrong toilet – its an occupational hazard!
Cheers
Amanda -
This is very insightful. It has focused many of my currently confused thoughts and whilst it hasn’t helped me with making any decisions it has put my life in to some sort of context. Thank you.
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Amanda great article, It picks up a big part of my experience, I must watch the self centred bit though!
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An excellent essay and one that resonates my personal experience. Although I crossdressed as a child, I went through various stages of denial including playing contact sports and growing a beard. After many years of marriage and two children, I confessed my nagging desire to dress to my wife. Thankfully, she accepted (if somewhat begrudgingly) that this was an integral part of who I was. These days, my kids think I’m a calmer, more understanding person because I’ve retired from full-time work. The truth is that I have accepted who I am and, thankfully, so has my wife. My female persona is much more zen-like and accepting of others.
My children have never met Julie and probably never will; they would disown me in an instant if they knew but they benefit from the calm state my acceptance of who I am has brought. I just wish we had brought them up to be a little more understanding of those who are a bit “different”.
This is a wonderful site and I thank Amanda for her hard work.
Julie
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Amanda, you have captured the essence of the journey that I travelled in the past 30 odd years. I came to the belief that the phase of having two personalities (a schism) was , for me , very unhealthy. The stress of maintaining the secret and the sense of deceit to those I loved, was too big a burden to carry.
The bringing together of my two selves has been the making of me. The society I live in appears to have few problems with the amalgamated self . The open expression of onesself can encourage the other to be more comfortable in expressing their true self therefore enhancing the whole social interaction.The more content I feel with myself, the more encouraged I am to be open with the world . This state is, I believe , a mental and emotionally healthier place to be in for me and I would encourage those members who are in the “closet stage” to seriously consider the positives of bringing the hidden self to the surface and opening themselves to the world. The risks are great but the payoff is even greater IMO.
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Hmm, a good question. I still wear a wig when out the house because I like the feel of it and the style, it matches the look I want to display to the world and it is one I feel comfortable in having. Until my hair grows long enough to style to be the same, I’ll wear a wig until then, and once it is the right length etc, pow, goes the wig into the drawer and its my own hair from then on. So far it taken 15 months to get my hair away from a male’s short-style and half way to the classic black Bob-style I now favour, so its a long time in the making. As for change my personality, no, I don’t think it does I am just the same person as I was before the wig is worn, its just that with a wig for the moment I can look the way I want until my own head of hair gets there.
Cheers
AbbeyJane -
Well on the topic of personality change, A few years back I was on a CD week away with WA Chameleons and I needed to go to a family outing with my wife for a few hours in boy mode and one of the Chams mentioned I looks a lot happier and more outgoing in girl mode. You might find it funny but at at the time I felt embarrassed to be in boy mode .
Vicki
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Hi,
Okay, a change of personality, because one wears a wig. right i know this is more for those who dressup. not the likes of myself . though a comment maybe in order or not ,
I wore a wig for other reasons for 11 years because i had then as now no hair, , i got totaly sick of it because of getting headaches so no more,
Strange as it may be i sort of used it to hide behind for a short time,
though i do only for our Edwardian group as we dress in the 1900 to 1914 era i concented to that ,
Did it change my out look on who i am as a person or personality , not at all because i was not trying to be other than i am, im a female who has grown into a woman. just because im a bit different not a compleat female yet that does not distract to much from who i am ,
As that does not stop myself from being a member of women only groups , though im well known , over all its abouit being accepted. with or with out hair or wigs , im very much who i have allways been how you grow as a person depends on who you are, or another way my past is what im about not trying to be other than myself , open faced just an all out there woman whos part of our communitys,
As iv grown as a woman i am able to express myself as i was not able to from when i was 10. another story, so have i changed , oh yes because iv been able to grow into who i am now. no clothes or wigs or makeup or much else are even in the running its about what you see is what you get.
Just who i am as a female / woman.
…noeleena…
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I don’t think so your still the same person just with a wig its more a style change my friends seem to wear wigs all the time and there not shy about it lol I guess my friends rock all sorts of styles with there wigs but unlike a crossdresser or trans person there not trying to pass as a different gender yet there trying to pass with a different style I guess
Not sure my take on wigs are the same as the others but I have and use hair extensions heaps love my 22″ hair extensions instant long straight hair but it doesn’t change me
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At the risk of stating the obvious… the article I wrote a long long time ago….started
Quote:Many crossdressers are born out of a mid-life crisis that cannot be resolved by purchasing a fast sports car.The article then went on to describe the commonly observed situation of people initially having two personas.
I didn’t at any time propose that the wearing of a wig, per se, was the cause of a personality change.I could also add that I find that it is common that people who have gone past this stage will deny they every were like that. So could we please respect the scope of the original article in sharing any feedback – not about wigs – but about the personas we observe.
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A very interesting and thought provoking article. It tracks the way my life has wandered as far as the dressing goes where I started young put it away for a long time got married kids etc. Later on it resurfaced and I started again. This time around though cross dressing for me is about enjoyment of my feminine self and after having been discovered cross dressing by my wife who has very little tolerance for it I now find that I must live two separate lives. The male me takes on the majority of the time as that still has the bulk of my life while the female me has the opportunity to come out as almost a form of relaxation and separation from the hustle bustle of my male life. The female me is more relaxed and enjoys being able to sit relax and undertake what are typically feminine forms of enjoyment such as chatting with other cd’s over the net and clothes and jewellery shopping and even housework. When I think about it I really like the fact that I have both sides of this little equation and apart from the apprehension of being caught out again find that my life in two separate spheres is very enjoyable
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I found your article very useful Amanda. I’ve commented on it in my blog too but I seem to be at the two personas with the femme one coming up against barriers stage. Something in my strategy will have to change soon. Thanks for the guidance.
