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A view of crossdressing
The following article is reprinted from the June 2009 NSW Seahorse Magazine.
At the time of its publication I was concerned about some of the assertions made. I will be interested to see how others view the ‘presentation’.I have made minor changes to the original punctuation and layout to make it more readable.
The article is being reprinted in accordance with the Society policy which allows any/all gender organisations to reprint original material from their magazineQuote:… When I/we first come into the Society, we had taken the 1 st step to our own personal enlightenment, to find who we are as a cross dresser.
We are frightened yet excited, that there are others like us -we are like a child who has just been given a “new toy”. Fantastic feelings of relief – I am not being judged : I can be who I really am , I can feel all those emotions and things that I previously did in stealth and secrecy and so on.
Then [the concerns come] What have I done? Where am I going with this in the future? Am I really a woman? Am I in the wrong body? How am I going to live and have a social life now I am out!! ? What if I get found out – when I am out in public, presenting in my other persona? What about my relationships? [kids, partner, wife] what about behavior boundaries? – When can I dress? When shouldn’t I dress? And so on.
So then we experience – I want to feel more feminine -I want to try this and that – maybe I will just go on hormones [small dose] just to see if it makes me feel more feminine when I am dressed. I convince myself – I can control a small dose, and I am not doing myself any harm. I will grow my hair long – shave or wax my body hair – maybe I would like to have my own “boobs”. Hormones will do that.
Maybe I can “train my mind” to think “girl” when I dress. I will fix/ “train” my voice, so as it modulates in sound, like real girls do. May be I will go away for a month on my own, and try to live 24/7 as a woman -only just to see what it is like!
Maybe I will try flirting with a man -see what develops -see if I can get away with it -etc.
Maybe –All the above fantasies or day dreams can be or could be dangerous if acted on. So what now is my point?Day dreams are fine as long as you personally and honestly differentiate between fantasy and reality – and realize that actually “doing” may have dire consequences.
Even “experimenting” in a flirtatious manner, with the same gender could /may lead to a situation that can get out of control. It is a bit hard to “Un Virgin’ yourself isn’t it!
And as to anyone going on the transitioning road. I agree that there are some, who need and should go on this road, without any fear, judgment or prejudice, because this is where they should be. They make a conscious decision – and with professional guidance – and the self knowledge of who they are and who they feel they should be –and have the acceptance of all this – Fantastic. I couldn’t be more pleased for them. BUT [and this is where my concerns are].*Quotes of concern* from [the Age news Paper May 31st 09] :
“Sex change clinic got it wrong”, “Patients were miss diagnosed” “surgery is only performed on patients who have been diagnosed as “true transsexuals” suffering gender dysphoria, which causes feelings of being born in the wrong body and creates a desire to change sex” ” I told the doctors what they wanted to hear” “He thought he was going to have a soul transplant”.
I have chosen the ones which I have actually come across in my own email communications ,over the last week.So why present these comments?
For most of us it is not necessary – but why I did this now – is to bring your attention, certain facts of life – in the hope that you may consider them, before acting on some impulses. I know that we occasionally all have. So please considerONE; We will be and always have this phenomena of being a cross
dresser as part of our life. It is a part of who we are as a person. [proven physical and medical fact]TWO; You can change the body image ,presentation, description – eg large to small weight, grow hair etc. You can even train your brain – to react certain ways, like in behavior patterns, or to think certain ways – or to learn certain things etc. BUT *you cannot change the basic person – the soul or the inner spirit of the individual person*. You are born with this inner self -you may squash a person’s spirit – *but you cannot change it *.
THIRD; life’s happiness is a mind set -achieved by much acceptance of one’s self ,having worked at compromises, working to get self knowledge, understanding and acting with tolerance towards others.
FORTH; There are no guarantees in life – regardless of where we go, or what we do with our life. Put these into the ” let’s try this idea – or experiment with this brain storm ideas and act them out” concept in relation to the previous section on “quotes”.
So I ask you all.
Please consider some of the above points -and if and when you think of some of these things discussed above – be true to yourself in thought and action: -and always remember: you’re the one who has to live with “you” -and you can’t run away from “you”.
If it doesn’t look right, it probably isn’t! So it comes back to another two quotes – we need “to take personal responsibility” – for “one is not forced to undergo any of the process”.I hope that I have not offended anyone, in this presentation.
My intention is only to challenge your thinking about where your own individuality and identity lie, and to help you put your expectations, as to where you feel you fit, into life’s situations as a cross dresser. By doing this exercise;
I hope that you will be able to avoid some of the unpleasant situations that can arise as we all go on our journeyJulia (478)
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11 Replies
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Thank you Amanda.
For myself, I read Julia’s article as a big putdown (seeking to question and create doubt) for those who do not identify themselves simply as a crossdresser, but need to examine/explore their true gender identity. We have the Age quote – the now urban myth – it’s 15+years old. For whatever reason, someone lied to themself and then to doctors, learned lines (maybe). When will this nonsense be recognised for what it is?
I hated crossdressing. My body wasn’t right, and clothes didn’t help me pretend. My brothers told me, and when I was married, my partner told my family – I “should have been born female”. Shock and horror – I was.
Very early in my transition I realised I was ‘still the same person’, and I was becoming comfortable with myself. I don’t know what changes (other than the obvious physical one) I expected. I’d given myself permission to be myself.
The all emcompassing ‘transgender’ umbrella does cause me discomfort because I’m happy with our binary (plus intersexed) gender system. At age 4 I told my mother I was “a girl”. I don’t want to be Arthur and Martha.
I’m not living some erotic fantasy, and I stopped living in a daydream world 25 years ago. All I want is for society to accept that I am female. Hormones didn’t give me “boobs”. They allow my body to feel in balance – normal. ‘Breasts’ are a part of that balance.
Julia appears to have given this subject a great deal of thought. It’s sad that she appears unable to resolve her anxieties
Hugs
Christina -
Hi All
I like to always question myself. I like to learn from others thoughts, but in the end I do make up my own mind.
I found this article a good read because it is someones elses point of view, and although there are things that I disagree with, it pushies you to consider the blunt side. We are all responceable for our own actions, and blaming someone else for something you rushed into should not effect everyone else.
We should not go into the SRS option blind, I do agree its not for everyone, but for those that need this option should not be subject to all the crap that others that should never have made that far has caused.
So I do agree with her points : – “to take personal responsibility” – for “one is not forced to undergo any of the process”. and “If it doesn’t look right, it probably isn’t”
Only you will know the answer, others can guide you but you know the truth inside.
xxx
Kelly Jones
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Amanda, the article makes some good ( though somewhat obvious) points regarding responsibilities for ones own decisions and the dangers of following fantasies too far . The people who changed their minds after undertaking SRS has caused a lot of trauma to those others who are in the Monash program and this is sad. Perhaps the Monash program needs a shakeup but I believe that it is now closed down . Katherine Cummings makes a good point on the Polare website that we can undertake all manner of surgery , such as breast enlargement or facial surgery ,to change our bodies but removal of the genitals requires a ” Gatekeeper” , I am not saying that this is a bad thing , I merely make the point.
What interests me is the point about making decisions. How do we know what we want to do anytime other than having a need and weighing up the choices and consequences AS WE SEE THEM AT THE TIME! We will not know what the real consequences are until the choices have been carried through . The issue of ” the good choice ” is a bit of a furfy , we live in an eternal NOW and need to adjust our lifecourse all the time to cope with the vagiaries of life. The idea of following an unwaivering track ( our destiny ) is a lie. Anything can jump out at us at any time and this must be dealt with ” on the run ” , so to speak.
I have often pondered whether I wanted to progress toward SRS and know how easy it is to get carried along with the idea when I am inspired by a personal story of change for the better or a weekend enfemme and the pleasure that the freedom of that self expression can bring. I end up eventually with the question ” if I had SRS right now, what would I be doing the next day ( apart from feeling sore and a lot poorer!!!) my lifestyle would not change , I love the things I do and don’t wish to change them so what positive difference would SRS make to my life. None. It would bring more confusion for others and more hassle into my life as I would never pass as a female. I don’t mind the ” middle path” of androgyny , in fact I like the politics of fucking with gender image. So I am obviously not a transsexual and not suitable for SRS procedure.( I wish to point out that I have no problem with others having a different choice.)
If , however , I were to go ahead and lie and follow the successful ” life story ” to get me past the gatekeepers to SRS , who have I got to blame but myself. -
Amanda you made the comment that you were interested to see what other people thought of this article, my reply is this:
In reference to the various points that Julia has made, I’ll reply to each one.
No. 1: I don’t believe that we all will always have the “phenomena” of being a crossdresser. I started as one yes, but my thoughts and life now are much more, hence the decision to transition. Some people are quite happy to remain a crossdresser but when you truly decide to transition after your “natural juices” flow, the crossdressing mentality does go. It did with me.
No. 2: Yes you can simply change or improve/modify your appearance, that is correct, and yes you will still have memories of your past and so on. I heard a saying once, “you can change who you are without changing who you were”. Anyone who tries to shut out their past just to transition I would suggest is trying too hard, you can still like the things that you liked previously while still changing from male to female.
No. 3: Happiness comes from what you do to achieve it. If you are a good person and do the right things like treating people in a good manner and so on then yes, you will be rewarded with happiness. You don’t necessarily have to become a crossdresser or transition to do that, just look at your own life in general and work out what does make you happy. I think that Julia has a oood point with this one.
No. 4: There are two guarantees in life, death and taxes. The rest of life will be rewarded by whatever YOU put into it and how YOU conduct it also. If there is something else than these guarantees that you want, then you need to work out how to get that and go for it, properly.
Well that’s my two cents worth. Please remember that from what I have seen and done, these comments are from the heart, not to say to anyone that they should do this or that. I don’t think that Julia has a right to “challenge” anyones’ thinking either, if she doesn’t want people to judge her then she shouldn’t judge/challenge others.
Peta A.
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I read the article half a dozen times trying to understand why there was a necessity “to challenge your thinking etc”.
The few people that I known (say 6) that are currently at various stages on the Transition journey seem to have:
1. A good level of personal and intellectual maturity.
2. Researched the positives and negatives of such action from the many avenues available.
3. Have the appropriate support (professional and social) network in place.
4. Full awareness of and accept the ultimate consequences.
5. An understanding that SRS is a critical necessity for their mental and social wellbeing.
6. A very unique journey.
7. Achieved personal happiness in undertaking the journey.These ladies are undertaking a very difficult journey and they receive my total support because of the abovementioned factors.
We all are individuals and what is important to one is trivial to another. As long as any individual embarking on any journey is aware of the potential ultimate consequences then their decision should be respected and in need supported.Whilst the article seems to ask numerous questions it is shrouded with too much negativity on undertaking the Transition journey (which does not necessarily mean all the way to SRS) and I at times wonder whether it was written for a specific person in mind rather than the community.
The issues in relation to Cross Dressing and the various stages of it are well documented in books and websites and the article on that front did not value add or “challenge”.
Overall, I found the article was say 3.5 out of 10 at the best for content and further possible discussion.
Cheers,
Wendy
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Quote:Amanda, the article makes some good ( though somewhat obvious) points regarding responsibilities for ones own decisions and the dangers of following fantasies too far . The people who changed their minds after undertaking SRS has caused a lot of trauma to those others who are in the Monash program and this is sad.
To me this is one of the most scariest statements I see. If people have SRS, there is no “Changing their minds” … They should be screened sufficiently well enough to ensure they are people who would benefit from SRS, and who won’t change their mind… I say this as a person who in 19 days I will be entitled (completed the basic requirements) to have SRS, I say it as a person who has the money and the opportunity to just do it. I say it as a person whom wishes to be a woman physically more than anyone else in the world (in my own mind I’m sure)… I say it as someone who has looked at themselves and realised I like having sex, and whilst I can go without it for a long time, I don’t know whether I’m willing to risk having no feeling, or other complications for the rest of my natural life to have a body that *LOOKS* female.
The main reason for someone like me (or my ex Melissa, whom I have discussed this with many a time) for pushing past this point of not having SRS for the right reasons and into having SRS when we shouldn’t is the politics of gender recognition. The ability to have a passport that says, “Female”, to have a birth certificate that says, “Female”, to have a drivers license that says, “Female”. Note: that doesn’t mean either I or Melissa shouldn’t have SRS, just we shouldn’t immediately because it would be for the wrong reasons.
Its pathetic, I would go down the path of risking my life, for a word on a piece of paper…. Perhaps this is where the government should be looking more closely at the issue….
Personally I am a lot better off than my ex, I was born in the UK, and whilst a name change by deed poll will not allow for Brith Certificate update unlike a name change in Australia, they do have a “Gender Recognition Certificate” which can be applied for after undertaking all the normal events that would lead upto SRS. The GRC does not however require SRS to have been performed, and in fact it was designed specifically to allow gender updates without the need for SRS as suitable SRS documentation will allow gender to be officially recognised in the UK immediately. As a British citizen by birth (I have a UK brith certificate) I am entitled to apply for a GRC, and if approved my birth certificate can be re-issued with new name and gender, this will then allow me to obtain a UK passport and all other documents from around the world with “Female” as my gender. You can probably guess what I am in the process of starting now.
Quote:Perhaps the Monash program needs a shakeup but I believe that it is now closed down . Katherine Cummings makes a good point on the Polare website that we can undertake all manner of surgery , such as breast enlargement or facial surgery ,to change our bodies but removal of the genitals requires a ” Gatekeeper” , I am not saying that this is a bad thing , I merely make the point.
What interests me is the point about making decisions. How do we know what we want to do anytime other than having a need and weighing up the choices and consequences AS WE SEE THEM AT THE TIME! We will not know what the real consequences are until the choices have been carried through . The issue of ” the good choice ” is a bit of a furfy , we live in an eternal NOW and need to adjust our lifecourse all the time to cope with the vagiaries of life. The idea of following an unwaivering track ( our destiny ) is a lie. Anything can jump out at us at any time and this must be dealt with ” on the run ” , so to speak.I think in many cases the persons undertaking SRS may not be doing it for the right reasons. I have heard many stories of people who have SRS because they want to feel complete. I have heard others that want to look 100% woman. I have heard many others… Problem is I have heard some people wanting to feel complete, say that SRS will make them complete and their problems will vanish as soon as it happens… This is concerning to me, problems won’t go away with surgery (unless you have a permanent hard cock or other such embarrasing issue), the problems there prior to surgery are likely to be there afterwards as well. It is likely that the SRS will cause more of an issue as they were hoping it would solve the problems and then it hasn’t or it has made them worse…
Quote:I have often pondered whether I wanted to progress toward SRS and know how easy it is to get carried along with the idea when I am inspired by a personal story of change for the better or a weekend enfemme and the pleasure that the freedom of that self expression can bring. I end up eventually with the question ” if I had SRS right now, what would I be doing the next day ( apart from feeling sore and a lot poorer!!!) my lifestyle would not change , I love the things I do and don’t wish to change them so what positive difference would SRS make to my life. None.Hear, hear! I am Michelle everyday, I don’t ever want to be that person I was, I am enjoying life like never before. All who knew me before and know me now comment that how much nicer I am, how much happier I am, and how I should have done it years ago. Do I need SRS? No I don’t NEED it at the moment, would I like it? Yes if it would give me what I want (it won’t – I will never be able to bare children or have periods etc). Will I ever have SRS? Unknown, I think I will, but I may not, I will continue to review as I get older.
Quote:It would bring more confusion for others and more hassle into my life as I would never pass as a female. I don’t mind the ” middle path” of androgyny , in fact I like the politics of fucking with gender image. So I am obviously not a transsexual and not suitable for SRS procedure.( I wish to point out that I have no problem with others having a different choice.)
If , however , I were to go ahead and lie and follow the successful ” life story ” to get me past the gatekeepers to SRS , who have I got to blame but myself.Whilst I spend a lot of time educating people (mostly that I don’t know) about transsexualism, I don’t ever want to take the middle ground, I am female, and that’s how I am going to stay. Taking that “middle path” does confuse the issue, and it does lead to problems for people like me. I would hope you would be careful how you “fuck with the gender image”, some people are quite hostile when they realise that I wasn’t born a woman, and that is because they don’t understand gender, I really wouldn’t like it if your “fucking” was the reason for their confusion.
Take care,
Shells
PS: My MySpace page ( http://www.myspace.com/michelle_i_sullivan ) has some comments specifically about this issue.
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The author refers to impulses which I assume from her article she (or someone she knows) is having and postulating that it is all fantasy yet these same feelings, particularly of wanting to change your body (ie.e. having your own breats, changing your shape) are often associated with the realisation that your crossdressing may be more significant than you perhaps thought (i.e the beginnings of awareness that you might be transexual). It comes down to identity. If you are having these feelings but your peer group is male and you identify as male then she is right to give warning about taking any action regarding transition. If however you realise (as I did & it WAS a shock) that you don’t actually identify with any of the men around you and never have, but the women you get instictively, then it’s a different matter.
I honestly couldn’t work out the point to the article except as a general warning to proceed carefully. There is an alternate explanation that I hestitate to offer but I will, and that is of a person who is having these feelings and defining them as fantasy because the alternative is just too frightening.
From one who also was freaked out…
Gwen -
how dare they presume to tell me what to think and in what order to think it, each person, has the right to express themselves how ever they choose as each person situation is toally unique, the “blanket” statements made here are nothing more than a narrow minded attempt at control and conclusion/manipulation to follow the “seahorse way”
the other thing that some of these ppl seem to forget all to quickly is that they like us all went through a journey to be here and go forth, and il lay money that the last thing they wanted to hear was a so called “reputable” society slandering the rights and ways of our own sisters!
sorry if im a lil angry here but this is a subject that is near and dear, when will ppl start to realize that we have feelings too as well as “souls”!!!i hope all that read this realise the absudity of such silly and niave statements, and can still feel like they are real and not fake as implied in this article! kisses Amy
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Moderator
Quote:Off topic post moved to blog -
Dear Amanda,
Julia’s article has generated some interesting discussion. I’ve been told it was a response to an earlier article published by Seahorse. Would it be relevant to post that original item also?
Quote:(the other way round – I wrote an article later – partly as a result of this. I’m not aware of any earlier article – Amanda)
I advise girls considering following the path I have: It’s not a race, and nothing is compulsory. Also, just be yourself, and respect yourself.
I have a girlfriend, no hormone therapy or surgical interventions. She’s just living her life as the woman she is, and happier than any time in her life. I would never tolerate the suggestion she is any less of a woman than I am. What did we do before Lili Elbe or Christine Jorgensen? Sadly Julia, many of our sisters chose suicide rather than a life of mental torment.It took me 11 years before surgery, but not because I wan’t ready. I tried to make other people happy, find ‘their’ balance. People who had only ever known ‘Christina’ demanded I stop being myself and meet ‘their’ needs/wants. This was in fact textbook control behaviour – something I needed to learn to overcome. My nature is a passive, giving and nurturing person. I hope I’m stronger for that experience now.
Doubt? What is doubt. Yes, I understand that some girls are frightened. It took me close to 2 years to address my ‘doubts’ – fears and anxieties – this is why the Standards of Care stipulate 2 years of real life experience, living as a woman. I’ve never felt the least sense of regretYes Amy, I fully understand the sentiment you are expressing. People who’s experience and emotion is totally different from our own telling us what we ‘really’ think, and how we should do it, for their comfort. I must ask if those of us who successfully transition are creating angst for those who have chosen to repress a stronger urge to more than just dress.
We have standards and gatekeepers to minimise the chance that someone will later regret, but how many later regret having not taken that first step to transition?
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Hi All,
As a member of the Seahorse Of NSW Society I read the article by Julia when published. It prompted me to reply to her and I attach this below although it might be to long for a forum.
The thing I remember most is we are all individuals with our own opinions and I’m glad. When I read a comment that makes me think, whether I agree or not I’m glad of it, we live in a free society and debate is essential to preserve it. Join the debate and have your say it’s a great topic.
Me I’m happy with my life now, at my time of life each day is a bonus so I try to enjoy it and to hell with what strangers think of me.
Joanne_1
Quote:Dear Julia,Thankyou for the wonderful work you are doing for the Transgender Community.
I hope the following may be of use to you at some time as an example of one person’s journey in life.I have been dressing as a female since the age of 3, I am now in my 60s, so if I say for quite some time it won’t be an overstatement. My early years were like many others secret and charged with the tension of discovery, which as the law of averages says will happen, and did in my teenage years. No big deal, promises of never doing it again and all of the usual.
Then in my 20s marriage. Oh dear what now? Hi darling can I wear your panties? No not quite like that but an open admission of my longing. Ah! My 40th wedding anniversary is not to far away. So I will never need to win the lottery, I could not have anything more precious than my wife.
All the time my dressing was known only to my wife. We had children and it became a challenge to survive with very few and far occasions to dress. Then I turned 50. I have a family history of coronary disease, short life, span oops how long to go? After much searching I found the Seahorse Society Of N.S.W. and became a member. I had decided to come out of the closet. Now in spite of all other thing in my life that decision was the most monumental of all. There can be no going back once you let the cat out of the bag. In your June letter you urged caution and to me this is the one and only time you should stop and think, and repeat the process at least 5 times. Once you let people in on your secret you will be labelled for the rest of your life regardless of wether you ever dress again or not. My friends were wonderful and as an old mate said “trousers or dress your just the same dickhead you always were”. Only one friend could not accept the truth, and he was a trained counsellor. So I progressed. Accepted by my children, rejected by my sisters, that’s life win some loose some.
My work at the time was a stressful job and due to other family problems I crashed into depression. “DANGER WILL ROBINSON”. You never see it coming. If you start to loose motivation have a look at the http://www.beyondblue.org.au. Or have a chat with your GP. It is a frame of mind that is hard to describe and takes time to pull yourself out of. Only you can free yourself, there is no magic pill. So I went to a great psychiatrist and he guided me out of the maze. At the same time we discussed my cross dressing and I was pronounced a rational being with a gender issue that I knew would be life long. Hooray I’m not mad I’m just a cross dresser.
Life progressed and a few years later I had decided I would like to be more feminine in my appearance. Now we come to your big warning, beware to tread where angels fear. Hormones. I thought after much research I would like to try Oestrogen. I then made an appointment to see the councillor at the gender centre. I was advised;
1. Not to.
2. If I did want to go ahead then to see an endocrinologist and a psychiatrist.
3. If I went out on my own then there could be problems. Could I handle them?
4. I could always come back for help if I needed it.I went home and weighed up my options. This is a step that will have consequences and I will have to live with them. I found a lot of useless information and some relevant but not much. Basically if I dabbled I now knew the consequences. I would have liked to talk to someone who had trod the path before but I made my decision and I found a site on line that supplied what I wanted. No prolonged trail of doctor’s waiting rooms only to be put off, my mind was set.
My initial time of using oestrogen was a roller coaster ride. I brought the gel in a pump pack that allocated one dose with one pump. (If you aren’t using a testosterone blocker the effect of the oestrogen is markedly reduced). So I increased to double the dose for a female in menopause. Slowly changes started to occur, changes that I wanted. Occasionally I would have 3 a day.
Most people who die of heart attack have antacid tablet or liquid in their mouth. How do I know, the nice doctor in casualty told me so when I was having my second heart attack, the first one I refused to believe and my wife got me to hospital to late to have it diagnosed? The second was a really good one, “no one could cook this bad could they”?
I couldn’t stand the pain and got help very quickly.No it wasn’t my gel application that triggered this, my life style in previous years had been hard and rugged. I really did burn the candle at both ends. From the age of 13 I drank, smoked and swore like a trooper, woe betide the wild life if I had my gun with me. Who would then guess I wanted to dress as a girl if I could out drink out smoke out do any other bloke? That laid the foundation for my early demise in this world. Murphy decreed otherwise and I survived.
If you are unfortunate enough to get to the same place as me you start to realise how thin is the thread that binds us to this world. I do not have any religion but I do believe that on the appointed day I will die regardless of any medical intervention. How many days do I have left? That’s food for thought. Yes I did a lot of thinking and to my surprise I had no epiphany. Just a slow understanding it was my life and I had a limited time left. To that end I made the decision to be thankful for each day, not to hurt other beings, and to be myself.
I took early retirement and plodded on with life. I restarted oestrogen and told my GP. I again visited the Gender Centre and talk over my problems and got a list of endocrinologist. My GP gave me the referral and I visited the endocrinologist. We spoke of my problems and after consideration I was told I should carry on but I would need to be tested for certain things. It was a lucky meeting as it turned out. A few unforeseen problems were solved and my future became much brighter.
Life progressed and all was smooth sailing. When sent for a breast ultrasound I wore my bra and explained to the operator why I was there, medical people are professionals they take it all in there stride. Then one day I had a small accident in the car. I totally fell to pieces and looked into a big black hole. I had not recognised the onset of an attack of depression. This one much deeper than before, the feeling of despair is impossible to describe. I am lucky to have a good GP. I was seen quickly and given medication for depression. A referral to the psychiatrist and I was back in the chair. We worked through some health problems then got to grips with the gender issue.
By this time I had been off of oestrogen for about a month. Once again I was reminded that my gender dysphoria was a life long thing, no pill would ever cure. We talked through my feeling as to where I thought I was. Gender is a scale running from black to white with all the shades in between. There are no boxes, no categories, no pigeon holes each of us has a place on the scale of gender. It is just coming to accept where we are, who we are. Life will never change the being we started out as, we must accept who we are and in that acceptance find the peace of mind we all search for. To my surprise I had full acceptance from the psychiatrist. Not only was I advised to restart my hormones but also to be myself, mindful of others and my own safety.
Having a loving and supportive partner is a very unique thing in this life, I will never take my wife’s love and compassion for granted. I owe my wife my life.
Now we are close to the present, and there is much that I have left out of the narrative thus far, including my contact with the local Seahorse members and the missed dinner date early this year.
But when I came home from the psychiatrist I thought long and hard about what I should do. I had gone to see him for the first time fully dressed. I then decided to go a full week dressed just to see if I would cope with life and I restarted oestrogen. My first hurdle was a visit to my GP. Yes it was unusual sitting in the waiting room as Joanne. When my turn came the doc waltzed out to the waiting room and called for John. You should have seen his face, total embarrassment, I should have warned him. I was treated just like any other day my dress did not matter one iota to him nor should I say to any of the staff at the surgery. I came out realising Joanne could be accepted.
The next big hurdle came the day after. I had to lodge some forms with CentreLink. Oh well just drop them off and away Joanne shouldn’t have a problem. Ah bureaucracy. I presented the forms to the counter to be told I had to see a staff member to lodge the forms.
OK have you been to CentreLink? Some of the clients you would not want to run into on a dark night. Now Joanne is sitting there waiting. Some how I cue jump and a very nice person comes out and calls for John and never bats an eyelid when Joanne stands up. By the way I don’t think I could ever pass. So what the hell.
I have my session with CentreLink and they are most courteous and understanding. I leave feeling that I could walk on water.Now we come to my old nemesis I need to walk down to my local shops and do business. I have now completed the task a number of times and I know I am spotted by most, but one lovely lady that walked past me gave me a smile and wished me “good day” that is worth a million dollars. The thing I could never bring myself to do, I did.
Now the people of Shoalhaven are coming to grips with the reality of living with transgender, I will try to keep up the good work of giving them something other to talk about instead of the weather.
It is a never ending journey this life of ours. The day I die is the end of my journey but until then I will try to enjoy my being and hope others will enjoy my company.
Julia if you have to give advice about hormones let people know this:
1. They can be all you want, only if you research well first
2. Patience is the way to go, after seeing an endocrinologist
3. The changes will vary from person to person
4. I am most happy with my association with oestrogen, some may not be. Ref item 1I do hope this short tale will be of interest to you in your ongoing work in the community.
Moderator
Quote:I have edited this post to put the interesting but slightly off topic ‘life story’ into a more condensed format. Please do not reply on this thread to the quoted stuff in small font. Amanda
