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An opinion on Congruity
I often feel sad at the numerous stories on TR , where folk tell of the pain and angst they have in their lives , around the burden of their Trans sexuality
I am not saying that anyone should come out and tell others when they may feel it is not time to do so.What I am saying is that , psychologically and spiritually, I believe that it is very damaging for anyone to have their internal life in conflict with their outside world. In counselling terms, congruity, the bringing together of the inside and the outside lives is a vital part of our wellbeing.
I urge anyone in this position viz. in the closet, to give some thought to the harm one does to oneself and to those around them ( you can’t suppress feelings, they ooze out somewhere, often in a toxic manner), when we deny our real selves to the ones we love. How can we feel loveable when those who love us , love a constructed persona? -
5 Replies
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I totally agree Christina. Since I came out, I have noticed just as much as anyone around me has too that I am now a much better person. Moving forward with my true self has helped immensly with my stress levels and so on. The guys at work even have commented on how I never seem to get stressed out like I used to, they can’t believe the difference in my nature. In my personal life also, I can deal with things a lot more calmly now than I ever could previously and mentally I feel so much more alive too.
Coming out and being true to myself was the best thing that I have ever done, Peta A.
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It’s very true Christina,
A good girlfriend of mine knew me as P___ (my boy name) and now knows me as Kirsty. One day she said this to me as her girlfriend which was really profound: “By being Kirsty, you’re not becoming a different person. In fact you are just becoming more you”. My friendship with that girlfriend, as well as a number of close and accepting friends have acdtually become a lot more closer since I came out to them.
Furthermore, I’m a lot more calmer now. I can also think and get my head around things a lot more clearly now, something which I wasn’t able to do for many years because I was so distracted by my gender incongruity back then. Am starting becoming more confident as a result too.
Letting my anatomical gender conforming to my female brain has really been the best thing that has ever happened to me:-)
xx
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It is good to see that others , too, have felt a greater sense of ease with themselves as a result of being more open with those around them.
I believe , however, that it is not just about ones physical appearance being in accord with ones mental image that is so important. It is the self belief and comfort in your own skin that makes others feel comfortable around you. It is a funny thing but confident people make others feel confident and thus more relaxed when in your company. I often remember the pain of self consciousness I felt as a younger person and the crippling fear I had that others would see the real me and not like me. Perhaps it is just about getting older but the sense of freedom I feel in being more a whole person now, cannot be measured.
Early in my TR career , I wrote about the Zen concept of the ” gateless gate” where we put barriers up in our way but once you go past the barrier, you turn to see that it wasn’t there in the first place. I see how true that is everyday , people really don’t give much of a shit what others are doing as long as they are left to do their own thing. For years I carried the fear of what others would say and think and that they would turn on me but rarely has it ever happened. By keeping it hidden, I think I was saying that there is something” wrong” with me, now I say that there is something” different” about me. My motto now is ” difference is not a disease”
Of course, once you start to spin a story that is not true , to loved ones, it is not easy to turn around( I was honest from the start and it still turned sour) But as Shakespeare wrote, “what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive…or was it deceive??? yes) but I still believe that a genuine self will win out in the end. -
Hi Girl’s…my own experience mirrors that which all of you have talked about..I feel calmer,I dont get stressed as easily,far more confident,happy and outgoing than I ever was…
this has not gone unnoticed by my family either…all af them have said that it’s like I’m a completely different person,but in reality,it’s simply them seeing the true me.no longer am I a grumpy person that was easily irritated by little things,but,someone that is able to handle lifes challenges in a way I was never able to before.Them seeing this in me,and how happy I am now,has helped them to understand my situation a bit better now,and in turn,has changed their attitudes towards me somewhat..I still have a religious brother in law & niece that wont talk to me,but I no longer let it bother me.
All I can say is,it’s just so much better for me now…
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I feel so much better now. But hey, I was almost totally bed-ridden with depression eighteen months ago.
I’ve been full time for 16 months (progressively) and on HRT for 13 months.
The huge reduction in Testosterone has left me very peaceful and (mostly) calm. I still do have a lot of stress in my life but I have so much more general calmness.
My estrogen level is about 1027 and my testosterone level is of a normal female level.
For me, Testosterone was like a wild drug which made me do things that I really didnt want to do, like playing too roughly with my 9 year old son.Now I feel like my true self….the conflict is over but it was like having two opposites locked up in a tiny space together. How can you be at peace when you are in conflict with yourself….
….when you are tearing yourself apart ….when you despise your other half ?
Yesterday I had lunch with an old friend and he told me that he always knew me as a (man) with a constant conflict and burdon….one who tried but failed to hide his inside misery.
I am so very very happy now. And yes, I have been damaged somewhat by 40 years of conflict but the joy I now have is healing me slowly.
I regret the ‘loss’ of those years, but then again, if I’d transitioned earlier I wouldnt have my beautiful son !
My love and very best wishes to you all…Monique
