Are we self indulgent, narcicistic, are our needs obsessive?

[Anonymous]

Pamela, I think that this is the most difficult part of the Trans journey once we free ourselves from the “closet”. There are points on both sides of the struggle which are equally valid and this makes resolution difficult.

Please note, what follows is , I believe, true for most of us on that journey and in no way is meant as a personal jibe.
For you who has sublimated your real interests for 50 years and put others ahead of your needs( for various reasons)and who now desires to be honest -it is a good thing but by doing so you hurt those you love. Others have built a picture of you that was not real ( no fault is ascribed, everyone does this at some stage, it is called a ” personality”!)
On the other side, your wife married a man , who acted like a man, said he was a man ( whatever that is in our Society) but now wants to act as a woman at times. You have known about Pamela and finally come to terms with her , for 50 years and your wife for only a fraction of that time, no wonder she is confused and feels longing for the man she fell in love with.
In the end you , and all of us , must do as our minds tell us, it is the real “us” as we see it and who else can see it BUT us?”) .We must allow the results to fall where they will, there is no other course open to us .
Many of us have gone down this road and have ended up alone as a result, it is a lonely journey at times but we are honest brokers and can stand tall as a result of that. Other people may need to control us to save the image of what they see as “us” , for control it is in all truth. It will not prevail once you take the step out of hiding and you have already started down the path to freedom. It is well accepted that the early stages of this journey tend to be a tad overenthusiastic , such is the joy of liberation! You are not narcissistic or self indulgent , just KEEN! It is like the adolescence we never had.

I am sorry if I sound pessimistic but I have been through the many stages of hoping that the women I have loved and who love me , can make the adjustment , for it is the same “us” that they love , they often just can’t see it. I have had to realize that it is not that they WON’T accept Christina but that they CAN’T accept her. I have been honest about my Trans self for 40 odd years and I have hoped that we could accommodate Christina in our lives, it has never happened! On the other hand , I am not one to suffer control by others readily!!
I trained as a Counsellor and often saw couples who loved each other , tear at each other for less reason than one being Trans, I believe that love is not enough. Relationship is complex enough without the added load of a Trans life.
I wish you and yours well in the struggle to find harmony . I often say that we would not go down this path if we had a choice, only a real loony would choose to do such a painful journey. But travel we must.
I think that the real lesson is that we must be open at a very early stage of our lives so that we save others as well as ourselves , the pain of a wrong choice ( should that be the situation) and I hope that the younger ones among us can take heed.
That said Pamela, you are a brave person, obviously love your wife and care for her feelings, a great spouse in fact , good luck!

[Anonymous]

Wow Christina, what a great reply. I do agree with everything you have said, esp that we did not choose this journey and wish we did not have to take it, but sometimes you get that point that you have to.

Trans journey is not something that is great for people around you because they can not feel the joy that you have, all they can see is their own world falling apart.

I found that my journey was selfish and life came all about me. (as all my friend know lol) …. I dont think that if I had a partner that they would have made the trip, as I had to make it about me as my whole life was devoted to everyone else except me, as I live my life the way they wanted to see me. Now it is my turn.

So not narcissistic , not really self indulgent as this not by choice and the feelings dont go away, the joy can seem a bit self indulgent to others as they dont feel what you do of freedom. Joy will create enthusiasm but to be overboad is only how others view it as once again they dont see the joy.

Loney sometimes as only you can feel the weight lifted. You have had your whole life to deal with this, they have not, so they time of adjustment is expected to happen quickly by you makes it fustration. lol

When I went full time one of the staff at my customers told the rest of the staff that I had saved a life, my own. So brave comes back to mind, to face the world and stand up to be counted.

xxx

Kelly Jones

[Anonymous]

Christina and Kelly have added many good points in what they have replied here Pamela but I will repeat something that was said to me by my stepmum. I have understood this point since day one of my journey but she said it just as a point in her own topic of conversation, “just remember, this may be a priority in your life but not in everyone elses”. Those words are quite true, you can’t expect this journey, no matter how far it goes, to be easy on other people and to have them accept it straight away if at all. If they do, consider yourself lucky.

Don’t push the issue with any of your loved ones, they will need time to come to terms with this.

Peta A.

[Anonymous]

I think the answer is yes, yes and yes at a certain time during transition unfortunately. It doesn’t stay that way though and after some settling time we just get on with life in a new existance. I have the suspicion that the energy and determination required for a successful transition make us that way for a while. Then we return to our loving sharing selves.
Gwen

[Anonymous]

Hi Pamela,

This is a hard question to answer. Honestly I have to answer ‘yes’ to all three. At least this is so at this stage of my transition (the very beginning after coming out). Yet this doesn’t mean we don’t love nor care about the people around us.

The elation of finally coming out of the closet after so many suppressed years does bring a lot of excitement, energy and enthusiasm. This can appear ‘self-indulgent, narcistic and obsessive’ especially to the people closest to us. Especially when our loved-ones see us marvel and pursue each progressive step in our transition.

In a sense we so desperately want to be who we really are inside in order to ‘survive’ the constant torments of our incongruant body and mind. Our loved-ones are afraid of such changes and most often will try everything in their power to retain the person they thought they knew. When this conflict of wills occur, we get perceived by them as the being all of the above even though we still love them and care a lot about them.

In my very early transition journey thus far, I’ve always told my wife “I really need to be my trueself. Irrespective of whether we stay together or part. I still love you and care alot about you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed on with you to explore our options for one year after I came out.”

Take care girl, I don’t know what will happen in your journey, but I know that you love your loved-ones very much and I can only wish the very best for you:-)

xxx
Kirsty