Being a good Dad

[Anonymous]

Clare I could have written that myself, it is so true for me.

I have 3 teenage daughters and also find that if I am much gentler, calmer and more understanding than my male half. I would dearly love to tell them about me as I have always endeavoured to teach them that truth and honesty are best, but here I am hiding half of me from them.

I told my partner about me before we began an intimate relationship, so she has supported me all the way, but I cannot bring myself to tell my children. I love them so much and know how much they love their dad who they see as being very male (although they do think I am a bit of a hippie ). I am so afraid of losing their respect ( and also of being ridiculed, teenage girls being what they are) that I just can’t do it.

So I feel very much as you do, Clare, that I must therefore be myself even when in male mode and allow my feminine compassion and gentleness shine through all the time.

Thankyou for raising this issue Clare

I wish much joy, peace and happiness

Love Melody

[Alice]

Quote:

Hello girls,
I’m Clare, and I’m a Dad to six girls and two boys, ages from 4 to 18.
I’ve been thinking about my relationship with my family, trying to decide whether I should tell them about my female personality.

Everything that I have ever read on the subject indicates that early childhood is a good time to tell (or more accurately, show) them. At that age, they haven’t been taught to be biased against it and accept is as normal.

My son has seen my female side numerous times. I’m not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that he recognises photos of me in female mode and says “photo of dad!” ❗

From around 8yo until early to mid 20s is apparently not a good time to tell them. They have enough trouble with their own gender and identity issues without having something that they’ve come to consider a stable reference of gender identity suddenly change on them!

[Anonymous]

Clare and Melody,

Neither of you ladies are on your own in this regard. I too am a father. But I also have two step-children. Of all four it’s only my 14 yr old step-daughter that knows. But that is more due to the support and openness of my partner and that of my SD. As for my own two, it is not the want to tell that holds me back, more the risk of losing them should my ex-wife and her mother find out that I am a CD who plansd to go fulltime in the nearish future. It is purely a prejudice thing with those two women. I hate not being able to reveal my true self to any of my children as I find it distrustful and dishonest to myself and my children.

After much discussion with my partner the decision was made to wait until they move out of home and can make their own minds up, without outside influences.

As for being a good Dad. What constitutes being a good Dad? I have found that since I have come to terms with, and embraced this gift, that I am far more gentler in my attitude and demeanor around everyone I meet, and care for. I too was aggresive at times, loud alot and well just plain male. But we each deal with life’s challenges in our own individualistic ways.

There is no guide on how to be a good Dad as such, and we each think about it in a different way. What may constitute a good Dad in one’s own eyes may vary considerably in anothers. I always thought I was a strong, protective father, and then I found ME! I have found a way to balance the masculine traits with the feminine traits within. And through this discovery found a lot of similarities between Motherly and Fatherly.

And I was proven by my children that the changes I instigated myself, were the right changes for them, and most importantly for myself.

We each face our own ideals of what we should be throughout our lives and it continues until the day we slip our earthly bonds. Inner searches do help and not being afraid to communicate the questions with those you love helps in a big way. But ultimately, the changes come through you and show through those close to you.

Much love and hope.

Juliann xxx

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Hello girls,
I’m Clare, and I’m a Dad to six girls and two boys, ages from 4 to 18.
I’ve been thinking about my relationship with my family, trying to decide whether I should tell them about my female personality.
I know there’s a lot of sensitive issues here, but I know that my greatest responsibility is to be strong, wise (if possible) and consistent in my role of father.
And to my shame, I’ve never been as good at all that as I would have liked to be.
I get bad-tempered, impatient and hard to live with…not all the time, but more than I would like.
Funny thing is, when I’m in femme mood, I’m a much better Dad…I’m calm, gentle, loving and responsive. I’m starting to understand that the finest thing I can do is to develop and nurture my self, and thereby become a nicer Dad.
I guess most of us girls have a dad role…please send me replies and help us all understand this rather complicated issue.
Bless you, Clare

Have you ever considered that the reason you may be short tempered at times is because your leading a misleading life. I’m sure that when you enjoy your time en femme you are more in touch with your emotional side and probably in control of your feelings. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. In fact it is to your credit you are who you are. Having an ENFEMME side gives us a greater insight into who we are and how we should relate to our partners. I agree the age group of your six children may cause some concern, especially with the teenage sect. However, you may be worrying without any reason to. If your partner is who she claimed to be, when you married her, she will understand. Believe it or not, the female species are equipped with a greater concentration of compassion and understanding than we give them credit for.
My advice to you would be to be honest with your partner and see if she can adjust to your needs. After all, you have been a loving father and husband .. this is only another side to you love for your family
Best wishes
Tina Lorraine

[Anonymous]

😥
It is a very hard decision to make, I have battled long and hard with myself as to the correct thing to do.
Having denied myself all of my childhood, and developed a very successful web of deciet, it is one of the most difficult things to do to open ones self up, after so many years of covering it up.
My wife is supportive and we have four boys, all very different from one another, so presenting them with an alternative dad is not an option, we could never know how either one would handle it, and each one would be different, I have decided to keep it from them.
I have kept it from everyone around me for all of my life twenty more years will not make any difference.
I understand this will be difficult, and not to everones opinion, but you must put the childrens well being before your own, they have enough to cope with without having to carry the responsibilty of any gilt they may feel if they cannot understand.
I can only hope that they become mature and understanding adults, enough to comprehend the sacrafices we all make for them.

[Anonymous]

Hi Clare, interesting post…after my recent trip to Sydney i thought long and hard about whether to tell my children, i have decided not to, at least for now…i consider myself a person in a male body and the genitalia that goes with it is part of the package…society stereotypes us as gender because of how we r born but is it really who we are…conforming is the way of controlling us…i think sometimes we want to come out for selfish reasons, to try and disperse the guilt and shame society has bestowed on us for just being normal…there is no shame or guilt for being who we are, just ignorance from others…being a person is embracing all the emotions that make us individuals, not carrying the stigma of being categorised as male or female…we are not different but unique because we understand and accept what makes us more spiritually and humanely aware…what a wonderful gift it is to live with this balance of both sexes…if only society could learn to exist in such harmony without the insecurity driven competition….to Clare and everyone i wish you much luck and happiness on your journey of self discovery

[Anonymous]

Hi Everyone who has responded here.

All of your thoughts are most insightful.

While I see there is diversification in whether to be open with people closest to us including children, I feel that each of us must make that decision as only we know the people nearest to us.

I see what I have is truly a wonderful gift but I have made the decision to enjoy this on my own or more accurately share it with you my sisters.

I love my children as I am sure we all do and would not burden them with any additional baggage that may or may not affect their happiness and wellbeing. I know that they love their Dad and maybe only I know that the gentle sensitive side of their Dad is a gift from Jennifer.

What is right for me may not be right for others and while I dislike deceit I also judge rightly or wrongly that it is only a burden that I have to carry.

Love, Happiness and peace to al of my sisters.

[Anonymous]

Great subject and very topical to me and no doubt to many others here.

I agree with Tina Louise – good observations TL particularly about how not disclosing your “interest” over many years can be to your demeur, personality and then affect relationships – and even work !

It would seem so much easier to tell your potential partner when you are in the early stages of a relationship – wish i had done that instead of covering up for 20+ years ! Of course, you carn’t do that with children but it does give you a platform to discuss with your partner how CDing can be accommodated with a newly expanded family and how/when, if necessary, it should be disclosed to children. Takes great communication.

In any event, children get to a certain age/maturity that allows you to tell them I think – but need to be considerate of the change they perceive of you over what they had formed/become used to over the past years. Again having an accepting partner goes a long, long way to helping children accept too I would think. Again I agree with TL – never underestimate how understanding and compassionate a female can be – just plan how you tell her, over what timeframe (slowly bit by bit !) and choose the words you use very carefully. I think children would be much the same really.

My 2 cents worth……..

Hugs

Christine
xxxx

[Phillippa]

Hi everyone, just posted on the “telling a partner” subject and thought I’d better add to this one as well. Have recently told my 8yo twins(boy/girl) and 20yo son of my voyage through cross-dressing (since I was 6). My wife and I decided that it would be best for all to tell them to eliminate the big secret. It was getting harder to keep anyway. I know myself that I have been a moody old bastard because I was angry at myself and taking it out on them. We have always tried to keep the childrens minds open with transgender issues as they appear in the media etc – they still laugh at men in dresses though. My 20yo son had no idea but as we have a close relationship he was very accepting – through the tears (his). He does not need to see me dressed but as long as the secret is shared he is happy – accidentally finding out is the worst possible scenario! The twins watched me get ready for the last Chameleons meeting (WA) and kept saying I did not look any different, whilst putting on the make-up. I then sent them out and changed into a blouse,skirt, opaque tights, heels, wig, jewellery and re-entered the room. They were a bit stunned and said they didn’t recognize me! No compliments – just “different”!
I am now more relaxed and more loving to them. We are all much happier! It was not easy, but nothing worth doing, is. Set the scene, private time and no distractions! Let them know you are still Dad and that you still love them – nothing has changed. Still be their Dad and do the Dad things with them! I hope this has been of help to you. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

i having chosen to go on hormones and beeign a father of four kids flew back to vic to explain to them and prior ant a nervous point .. a mistake i regret but overcame later told my daughter when she rang me for for birthday. i WAS PREPARED FOR WORST LOSING MY CHILDRENS RESPECT AND CONTACT. I got strength and prepared myself by google search and researching and sites like this are the way to go to learn how did it effect others. In my case my eldest daughter did not want to kno me for nearly a year then out of the blue sadly she was sexually assaulted she rang me wanting to come to perth to recover. She spoke to me and was all for Jess and she met Jess at the airport and only knew jess while here she took my makeup and as we where same size skirts took skirts she liked we have bonded more than ever. Should you tell your kids you just crossdress well its a punt and they may not want to know you for awhile but love conquers all and as for respect my children respect me more for beeing me there friends say your DAD sounds kew is kewl we want to meet her we want t go shopping your luckly you can shop with dad and there wont be hassles my dad hates shopping etc sop with daughters through friends etc they focus on the plusses If you choose to tell you children and there female I WOULD JOKE ABOUT THE PLUSSES OH WE CAN SHOP OR YOU CAN USE MY MAKE UP ETC focus on the plusses.. hOPE THAT HELPS

JESS

[Anonymous]

Thank you, Jess…more power to you!
Clare

[Anonymous]

I met my wife 20years ago and I told her that I dressed and she was very helpful to me from the start we were very happy for a few years. Then the kids left home and had kids of their own,we got to babysit the boys they were about 2 y.o. when they called me Susan in front of my mother in law.Well the next thing we didn’t see or hear from our kids for more than five years. It was late one night when there was a knock on the door it was the police to say that our son was dead.
We sat down as our other kids came over to say how sorry they were they had stayed away from us, it was the our grandchilden who had missed us the most as we all sat talking long into the night about our son we all cried and smiled at photos of him and then our oldest son told us that he was living with a man and he was gay.
He said that when my mother in law had told him about my dressing he would be found that he was gay and we would some how disown him.
We all said we are sorry and made up for long time and things were good for a few years till I lost my wife to cancer, The kids have there own lifes now and I have my new life as Susan.
We still talk and they still call me Dad and then they say sorry, Susan,But as Susan I am still their Dad and so will you aways be…
Hugs Susanxxxxxxx
P.s. We are here for just a short time live your life for today.

[Anonymous]

Susan,

I am so sorry to hear how difficult it has been for you especially with the initial loss of your son and then your wonderful wife. It amazes me that in a majority of times, it takes such a desperate heart felt tragedy for families to come together and start to love again. Particularly when the family is divided over something that in reality is so innocent.

I do admire your bravery and the obvious love you have for your family. I too am one that believes in the fact that I may be Juliann but I am still and always will be my mothers son. I have even asked her not to insult me by introducing me as her daughter, as I feel it dishonours her. I am proud to say that I am her son, albeit in a dress hehehe.

She said it would make it difficult for some to understand, but I said it was their difficulty and not hers or my own. My Mum has told me to my face that she is proud of the fact that I have done something in my life to find true happiness, and she is so proud of me and happy that I am living my life to it’s fullest, and as I want to be.

I certainly hope that your life and loves have become stronger through this ordeal. And that your future can shine with those you love and have lost looking over you and keeping you safe.

You have my prayers.

Juliann xxx