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Coming out..
Hi gals. I know I’m probably rehashing a lot that’s been talked on here already. And i have spent the last few hours reading most posts in here, some with a few ‘lol’ moments but also with feeling.
Well what has brought me here, to this topic, well obviously is the ‘dreaded’ coming out.. A few recent experiences has brought this to my current time. The most recent being was, and it’s got me how it even happened, is Facebook decided to do a friends cross over from my boy to Jo page!!! Panic stations and sound the alarm, moment I had there..
Yes I will admit it’s a goal to come out to a few close friends and maybe family later this year, but under my own terms I would of liked to think..
Now I mentioned friends before family as you may of noticed. Reason for that is, you can chose your friends, but not your family. Bout two years I came out to a long time GG friend (I honestly picked her as her daughter is gay) and as figured she was understanding, if not shocked due to my previous career, but on same token felt sorry for me being in that environment, but that was my choice to endure that.
Anyhow brings me back to family, I would have to have the most bigoted homophobic family in Aust. I’m sure if you looked up bigot in the dictionary there would be a reference to my family.. I’m not joking.
Also to make it worse for myself, as some, I tried to ignore my heart and ‘manned up’ and was married for bout 7 yr’s. Well she wasn’t a bigot, defiantly homophobic though. She was always dead against my open ‘femme’ side as far as admitting ‘i was hoping it was a phase you would grow out of’. I am amazed she hasn’t outer me in the last 11yrs we been divorced. Or maybe she has and my over the top Aussie occa ( there’s a old school saying) didnt believe her.
Bringing back to the family angle, I was thinking of flying my mom up to Qld for a weekend early next yr to do the coming out ‘face to face’. But after having just had her and her husband drive not 300kms away from where I live going to Nth Qld (from SA) for a holiday I thinks that is a lost cause to even bother trying.
So that leaves my sister. Straight up don’t bother for myself there. Growing up we weren’t exactly close. But I’m sure she was onto me. But ideals of ‘coming out’ to her are out the door. About four yr’s ago I was passing through Adelaide for Xmas. And had to endure a story from both her and my mother about a boy at my nephews primary school who openly admitted in my nephews class. That at Xmas time he wanted dolls etc for Xmas as when he grew up he was going to be a girl. Well this to both my mother and sister wasn’t nothing shorter than child abuse. How honestly could a child at whatever age he was, want to be a girl. I sat there in complete shock, even pinched myself and also referred to my watch that I was in 2009 and not 1809..
So I’m thinking maybe some friends will hopefully be more forthcoming as per my previous mentioned GG friend. I thinks not so much in my current environment of living in small, sorry no insult intended but a ‘redneck town’. Trust me if you don’t play rugby, ride bulls or kill pigs your not a ‘man’. Anyways I’d say a few friends from my previous career will be accepting, just, but shouldn’t be to much of a surprise to them, I used to get away with the full body waxing due to being a fitness freak, but I still think a few had there doubts
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So yes back to my initial. Coming out, I can feel this being more painful than what it should be…
Joanne xx -
10 Replies
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Joanne-3 expressed her deep concern about coming out to her ‘bigoted’ family. Believe me, one doesn’t have to come from the ‘deep north’ to be bigoted, they’re everywhere. Family is the most difficult as they are the most heartbreaking to lose. I really feel for you in your predicament, it’s why so many TG people carry the sole lifelong burden by hiding in the proverbial closet. Unfortunately, solely carrying this stigmatised burden frequently evolves into depressive states and even suicidal thoughts and sometimes actions; not good!
TgR does to some extent allow us to share our load, but it’s not quite the same as a face to face share. I hope you have someone with whom you can open up to and halve that burden. No one I know would choose to be transgendered and endure the horrors of being ‘outed’ rejected and abandoned. transgenderism, irrespective of our position on the gender spectrum is something we are born with and we ought to expect our immediate families to accept and continue loving us as we are. Having said all that I feel for you and hope someone will understand and accept. If you are attending the Transformal in May I would only be too happy to listen; there are quiet corners in the Carrington.Hugs,
Liz -
Hi Joanne
I think that you have summed the life of a lot of us. I also live in a small rural community & will have to move to transition. Hopefully soon.
Fortunately my family has been a little more accepting than yours, but it has come at a cost – my marriage & possible loss of 2 of my 4 daughters.
I have thought a lot about what it is like being transgenedered & have come to the conclusion that it is a hard blessing. If I could, would I change anything – the answer is no. I am now a much better person than I ever was. The only thing I would have done differently is not to deny it for all those wasted years.
I will also be at the TF, I hope that you are going. We could compare notes about families & the life of a TG in rural Australia.
Cheers
Lisa
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I as forced to partially come out a few years ago. My then wife saw a photograph of me as Helen and basically gave me my marching orders. She told her family including her two grown up children and I, because of the sudden break down of the marriage, came clean to my immediate family. My sister and brother in law were not fazed, they considered that I was still the same person and that nothing would change. My mother was very good about it too, no recriminations at all and she even complimented me on my legs….. My Son gave the best reaction, he’s a GP and his comments were I could either control or manage it. Control would mean ignoring my innermost feelings and not dress. That, he said was fraught with danger as it could lead to depression etc. By managing the dersire I could dress when I wanted and by doing that I could and would play out what I always wanted and in so doing I would have an inner happiness.
I haven’t come out to any friends as yet, but I think it’s only a matter of time and when I do it’ll be to my most trusted.
Families still have the capacity to surprise.
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Thanks for the reply posts..
It does help knowing I’m not alone in the family department. As I said I was reading through a few posts on here and well I guess, with spending a what should be ‘family day – easter’ alone I did get myself a little emotional. Not that I’m looking for sympathy in any way, I can find that in the dictionary, lol. Anyways I just needed a vent as such, but does feel good knowing there is others to share with on here. Thanks again.
No saddly I will not attending the formal, as much as i would love to, but prior work commitments ensure a clash of dates. Hopefully next yr
. As for having someone to share with, no, apart from getting myself down and thus venting here.. (Im mostly a positive outlook kind of gal, but like everyone you have your days). Though I am moving later this year, closer to ‘civilisation’ and with as such will getmyself out to a few social/support
events.Thanks,
Joanne xo
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Hi folks,
I’m a bit late I know, but here’s my “20 cents worth”.
I told my ex just before the birth of our first child, ( a very long time ago now). She just froze like an iceberg and hated it all with a passion the whole time we were together. Luckily my job involved a lot of travel, so I could “indulge” in my frequent absences.
Cut to when I separated and via a long and VERY torturous process, my (by then), adult kids found out. Aided no doubt, by plenty of fuel poured on by “you know who”.
That basically cost me my relationship with them. It’s improved in the ensuing years, but just like the old gray mare***, it aint what it used to be.
Cut to the present, I have a very loving and satisfying new relationship which if it were lost, would devastate us both. So she does not know and I dont want her to.
So whilst I am slowly getting deeper and deeper back into “Cd’ing”, I’m making sure it is under circumstances where Caty remains in the closet and will stay there. Whilst at times I envy all the girls whom are “out there”, (Trans Formal anyone!!), I’m comfy with the fact I had my share of such goings on in the past.
So to anyone out there who is in this situation, I guess its all up to the individual.
There’s a heap of stuff on the net about “breaking the news” to those near and dear to us, so I’ll leave that type of advice to those better qualified to offer it.
Caty
*** Such descriptions of me are not nice. Very true, but not nice….
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A lot has already been said about this so I wont go over old ground except to say that I think if you are comming out to anybody you have to be prepared for all the possible consequences of this.
In my situtation I only told one person (my partner) and she told everybody else in our lives (I think its around 60 people at last count). Now everybody knows about my “Trans Issues” and most of those relationships have been changed irreversibly.
Its not all bad, I no longer have to worry about who will see me at the shops buying that gorgeous new dress or trying on the matching shoes
and I no longer have to explain why im growing my hair or getting my beard zapped off.But I have lost a good deal of these peoples friendships. The hard part is that most have just chosen not to associate with me anymore, there is no right of reply, no chance to state your case, you just no longer get invited to social events or included in anything. Others are just awkward and uncomfortable around me even though I am presenting in male mode (particulary the guys) but hopefully they will get used to the idea over time. A few are great about it.
I dont want to make you worry too much, but this is one possibility that I never considered when I came out to my partner and it is one that I wish I had at least been ready for. I just never thought she would/could do that to me.
Comming out can also be very liberating and overall can be a very positive experience and I would do it the same again, but you do need to be mentally prepared for all possibilities.
Best Wishes
Alison x
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Alison’s post reminds us that losing friends ( and family sometimes) is one of the negative aspects of coming out. On the other hand, it is a good way to sort the ” grain from the chaff” in our relationships. If a ” friend” rebuffs you for being honest enough to trust them with the reality about who you really are, then they weren’t a friend in the first place.
The experience of losing family relationship is harder to deal with but again, it points to the real underlying strength of those bonds. One has to look at oneself as well , in regard to how one behaves when the truth is revealed. We can become a tad obsessed with the transgender life once the shrouds are lifted and this can be very tedious to those around us who are reeling from the shock of finding out that a loved one is not the person they thought them to be.
This experience of euphoria , after years of life in the closet is understandable but should be handled with some sensitivity . The experience of coming out is one where all those concerned will have different views, for some it will be a loss and grief journey while for others it is a revelatory and freeing one. We need to support others who are affected , remember that we may have taken many years to come to terms with our TGism and others may find out in one rush with no background to explain things.Reading these posts and recalling my own experiences it confirms my belief that we should be honest from the start with those we befriend and though our hopes and aspirations may not work out as we wish, we will not leave a trail of havoc in our wake and may even live a life of dignity and contentment .
It does take courage and there is a price to pay for being open but it is worth it I believe.
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I (its all about me) can relate to your situ Caty, two children who dont communicate with me but this is due to other issues, a daughter who is just so supportive. I have lost no friends or acquaintences which I cant say for my venomous ex.
But it just gets better everyday, that is if you don’t take into account the highs and LOWS of HRT. -
Thanks Dallas
for your supportive comments.
The last part about HRT makes me glad I’m just a broken down old CD whom has no wish or desire to go down that path.
Good luck to those who do, however I can get enough “ups and downs” out of my current situation…. -
Hi,
Thankyou all for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Also i feel bad about the fact I had ‘a moment’ and possibly brought back some memory’s best forgotten for some.
On a personnel level I managed to get in, albeit brief, a chat with my one friend whom knows the real me, was good, and thanks for putting it into my head
Thankyou all again,
Jo xo
