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compromised life.
I was reading the coming out section of the forums and a word struck me as more important than anything we ever discuss. COMPROMISE.
It seems sometimes we fail to appreciated that life is completely bound by the way we must compromise. We do not have any option if we fail to compromise , we inevitably hurt ourselves and our nearest and dearest. When I read the discussions we have, what strikes me is how often we expected others to compromise with out us giving an inch. It’s likely a normal human position to take but if you want compromise from others it seems logical to be giving in your own position. If not then you are only willing to compromise the position of the other which in those terms becomes a selfish act.
When you get down to it as gender diverse individuals we often compromise our differences away but when we decide to stop compromising we often stop completely. Then we expected those who are around us to give us support for our differences when in truth they are often still trying to get a grasp of the reality of what’s been revealed. It’s a big ask and one that needs continued compromise to have any chance of a successful end.
It maybe wrong to compromise ourselves as we do but we are making a decision to do it and when we do we ache inside to be our true selves. Maybe we inadvertently attribute our long term pain to those who are around us and maybe we fail to compromise because we subconsciously seek retribution. I don’t know the answers but there seems some commonality in experience.
Only thing I know you can’t stop compromise completely it is a fact of life, guess you just have to be as true to yourself as compromise will allow.
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8 Replies
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Unless you have a special set of circumstances or the ability to ignore negative reactions it is necessary to compromise. It is the way things are, in general. Just be sure you at least draw a line in the sand. It is not selfish to be who you are.
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Life is one big compromise and the way to avoid terrible conflict is by compromising, hence diplomats and diplomacy. However when there is a really sensitive and role threatening subject such as coming out or trying to rebuild a relationship when your partner finds out you are cross dressing, then it becomes very hard to find a compromise that will suit both parties.
Humans, by their very nature, naturally want to get their own way, so in a situation when a couple finds there is a real divide, then both partners will try to negotiate a solution that will suit them. In nine cases out of ten the partnership will either break down or will survive but be very flawed because one of the partners wants a compromise that suits them singularly not one suited to both equally.
A true compromise; hard to achieve and harder to keep.
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Krystyana I agree with you & voted accordingly, I really appreciated your post.
The only slight variation in my case is in the following;
Quote:guess you just have to be as true to yourself as compromise will allow.I felt that I had to be true to myself first & then would compromise where I could beyond that. In other words, in my case, there is no way I would not transition but I have invested a great deal of time in educating my partner & not forcing her into situations that she felt would embarrass her.
So along with compromise there is also the simple reality that both of us have a choice. A choice to stay or go.My partner & I are pragmatic people, we both believe that to compromise an individuals core understanding of themselves was not equally weighted against compromising within a relationship. The core of an individual is just that – the core…it is fundamental.
Relationships are very important but they are not imperative. Feeling at one with oneself on the other hand is critical for any (healthy & equitable) relationship to thrive. We agreed that if our relationship was not strong enough to adapt to something as important as one individuals core/fundamental needs as a human being then our relationship was not equitable in the first place.Having said all of that, compromises have been made by both but they are very personal.
Whenever asked whether she would stay with me, my partner always replies that she has thought through the options but can’t find a valid reason to leave. She would tell you, ‘She (Chloe) is still the same person’.
My partner has just read what I’ve written & asked me to add…if my personality changes in ways that she can’t accept (due to effects of hormones), then she may re-evaluate her decision.
Neither of us believe that an individual should have to compromise who they really are. We would never expect a person of different ethnic background to deny who they are nor do we believe any person should be hidden away because of ‘what the neighbours might think’. We’d like to think we’re above that.
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I guess I can weigh in here as I’m pretty sure I was the one who used the term Compromise.
I have always loved reading Chloes posts as they are pragmatic and demonstrate that there is alway hope for human beings in relationships. Its actually heart warming that there are still couples that are prepared to go the distance in order to commit to their initial vows.
It is true that we have to compromise in every day life with just about everything. The art of compromise is the ability to convey your ideas and needs in an equitable fashion to those you want to influence or educate.
I’m glad that people re-evaluate their relationships and can speak openly. Thats the basis of any deep and meaningfull one. I would suggest that once in love .. always in love. The physical and emotional changes wont make a difference if your lucky enough to find your true soul-mate
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Yes life is just one big compromise in one way or another, what were those immortal words?
Every compromise is equal but some compromises are more equal than others!
I think that sums up the compromise many of us have with our families.
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In my case there is no option for compromise, as my partner wants nothing to do with my gender fluidity. But I’m OK with that and totally understand her position. I don’t expect anyone to suddenly be attracted to a gender they’ve never found alluring, no matter how much they’ve grown to love them.
I agree that strong relationships rely on good communication and compromise (either conscious or unconscious). I think, however, that there are areas where we should not have to compromise, and I strongly believe that being allowed to express your inherent gender is one of them. I couldn’t imagine suggesting to my partner that she moderate how she expresses some fundamental aspect of her gender. Yet, when many people ‘come out’, this is exactly what both parties hope, expect or think should happen.
I know that breaking off a long-term relationship is hard (especially when children are involved), as I’m going through that scenario right now. The fact of the matter is that we still love and care for each other dearly. But it seems, at least in our case, that love is most definitely not enough. It’s not about our negotiating a line in the sand, but rather like trying to negotiate a gaping, untraversable chasm that lies between us – her repulsion to my gender and my repulsion to her repulsion.
If I’m to believe what I read, some people successfully find a middle ground that they can both (apparently) live with. Perhaps you’re one of the lucky few who have a partner who loves the idea of a TG partner. For most couples, however, I suspect that compromising on gender is a cause of real sadness, and that it would be best for both parties to part ways and live the life that they were born to live.
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Servalan wrote;
Quote:If I’m to believe what I read, some people successfully find a middle ground that they can both (apparently) live with. Perhaps you’re one of the lucky few who have a partner who loves the idea of a TG partner.I assume your comment above relates (at least in part) to my post? I endeavour not to make untrue posts so you can believe what you read from me, there’s no apparent about it. As I was relating my own experiences I’m satisfied it is factual.
As a matter of fact, my partner who sits with me as I write this would like to make it clear that she has no particular interest at all in having a Tg partner.
If she (or I) knew I could be described as Tg when we met, she probably would not have pursued the relationship but what we have learned so far is that when we really thought it through, nothing much has to change. As long as each person is strong enough in themselves to not allow the views of others to determine their own feelings & actions, then what is there to be worried about? In our circumstances, we can’t find anything.As for the intimate aspects of a relationship, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. That is deliberately ambiguous because we are all different – read it to suit your own circumstances. Additionally, gender is not sexuality.
As stated, we are both pragmatic people & all credit to my partner, she can find no valid reason to end a successful relationship based on my change of presentation, I am after all the same person.
We are friends & have respect for each other as human beings. We also have very many things in common that we share an interest in. What people viewing our relationship think is irrelevant to us, we both have always had a strong resolve to follow our own paths. In this instance our paths have not deviated just because I present differently.I’ve probably said this before but I don’t believe that gender has to be the issue that people make it. If one is prepared to challenge convention rather than work out why they are not aligned with it, then things become much easier.
It was once suggested to me that; ‘a wise willow bends with the breeze’. In both mine & my partners case, this means questioning whether or not gender & all that is claimed to be ‘set in stone’ actually matters. Once we put aside what other people think…it really only leaves…well…nothing.Whilst writing this reply it has occurred to me that rather than compromise, what is really needed is adaptation.
I am in a mixed race relationship…once upon a time in my family that probably would have raised eyebrows but as cultural norms change & we (society) adapt to new circumstances, what was unusual or even frowned upon becomes normal. I see all issues relating to gender to be no different. If enough gender variation is visible then the cultural expectations that are held now will change.
The values & views of others do not have to be the paradigm for mine or my partners life.
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My take on this is influenced by my partner’s struggle to understand me and balance her repulsion with her desire to keep me. And yes her repulsion repells me. She is trying hard to understand me and is increasingly succeeding but is on a very steep learning curve. Earlier she wanted nothing to do with the Carol side but can now accept everything I do including sharing a room with me dressed to the nines and knowing I have started hormones and laser hair removal, while simultaneously being horrified about what I might do in the future.
So my strategy is play for time by slowing down a bit and in her own time she may moderate even her hardest held positions as she already has. I’m not saying we will stay together but I haven’t given up hope yet.
