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Does Life’s Expectation Inhibit our Time as Ourselves
I have just read an article about a Cross dresser who had been married for some 30 plus years and had only just come back to discover his inner self. This was due to his children growing up and finally moving out of home. Interestingly he had the support of his wife all this time (within moderation) specifically not around the children. I wondered if his love for his family meant more to him than his fulfillment as a person. And as such, wonder how many of us that are not brave enough to be our true selves are afflicted by the same issue. (Life’s Expectations).
If I consider his circumstances and look only at the positive, He raised his children, had a supporting partner, has the gratitude of his family and finally has the freedom to express himself as who he is.
However, If I consider the time he has spent being sacrificing his needs for his family it becomes apparent one third of his life has passed and he may carry regrets for not discovering himself.I wonder how many of us are in the same boat? I know that every time I dress I identify with Bridgette on a deeper level. However, being in the same situation as outlined above, I believe I have pushed away a happy and fulfilling life sacrificing knowing who I am for who I must be. But consider my child as a most important aspect of my life, even though she is not biologically mine she is a part of me, and the need to sacrifice my satisfaction for family.
The situation perplexes me as I’ve raised our daughter to be tolerant of everyone and respect their cultural and spiritual needs. Am I really being a true parent not allowing her to understand who I am?
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3 Replies
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Bridgette, this is a tricky one for many of us I think. While we want to protect and educate our family, we must at the same time , be aware of the reality of Society and the harm that the imposition of our behaviours can have on our kids and spouses. The raising of children must always be time of compromises for any parent but it is a matter of degree and personal courage.
I do think that sometimes Trans people use this as a way out when in fact it is a lack of courage on their part that stops them being open with those that they love. Acceptance of ones self and better self actualization at an earlier age would allow us to be honest before we make any emotional commitment to a partner. That would allow a spouse to make a choice about getting into a relationship in the first place and Trans folk would be better able to cope with being alone but self aware and real in their life UNTIL they met someone who could accept them as they are.
Only yesterday I was talking to a new staff member at work about my life and the issues with coming out and her ONLY objection to the idea of a Trans partner was the idea of discovering AFTER she had made a commitment in a relationship about the crossdressing. Her comment was ” If he lied to me about something as big as this,how could I trust anything he said from then on?”This is the dilemma , we love someone,our kids or spouse , we feel shame about ourselves so we keep it a secret or lie about the extent of our issues. We think that we , of all Trans people, are different. We think that we can stop it, we can control it. We are in love, we commit but soon reality rears it’s head and we WANT to dress even if we don’t actually do it. We lie, fear discovery, feel shame and guilt and this impacts on our relationships . It all goes around and around and soon we find that we are alone for other reasons than our dressing or in a difficult empty relationship and we start all over again! ( I have been through this so I know the score)….OR..?
If we go this route then our loved ones never really know who we are. This is a tragedy IMO. Kids need honesty and openness if they are , in turn, to find happiness and self acceptance for themselves. They need to know who and what their most precious people are. Otherwise they have only lies to build a life upon.
It is not easy but we must strive to be honest with ourselves and those we care about before things become so complex that we can’t untangle them without hurting those that we love as well as ourselves.
It is with this hope that I try to help those younger ones coming through, to accept themselves and be honest with those they meet and love. Things are different nowadays. In my youth, Trans was thought to be only present in places such as Le Girls and mysogeny prevented any man from admitting to a desire for femininity. To be thought a “poofter” was the worst thing imaginable!
Nowadays I am open with the world and am stronger and more balanced person for being so . My kids are accepting as are their children and family. It is very simple really. If only I had known this 50 years ago!
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You’re absolutely right Christina. It really comes down to what value one places on honesty, truth, integrity and authenticity. If a parent wants these hallmark qualities to be the foundation for their children and family to live by, then one has to really live those values to the highest order, otherwise children see them as being worthless ideals.
Sure makes for some interesting discussion times round the family dinner table and even more inspiring life choices.
Best wishes
Catherine -
As you say Bridgette, it is a tricky issue in general. Christina and Catherine, I’m sure you are also quite right about the importance and desirability of courage and integrity. Speaking from my own experience I would also say that a good deal depends upon a whole range of factors and circumstances.
I feel that it is hard to judge any person’s life decisions from the outside as we can never be quite sure of what is going in and with them. Gender diversity affects people in different ways and is much easier to own, never mind express, in different times and contexts. There may indeed be a generational issue here as society in general placed a much lower premium on transparency 30 years ago – as we know from the ‘don’t tell and we won’t ask’ policies in the military and other leading institutions. Even today, if someone has a very public role – for example as a teacher, minister of religion, or politician – their children are also affected much more than other children by anything they are/do, or are rumoured to be/do. Sometimes people are also immensely courageous in their public lives and/or private lives (handling severe illness or depression or tragedy in themselves or among loved ones) so that is quite enough to face. Few parents share absolutely everything about themselves – though gender identity would seem to be quite vital! – and if this is not done at any early age, adolescence may be particularly tricky. It is good that today we encourage self-expression and self-realisation more than in the past, but is there also a place for self-limitation at times in the service of others – provided it does not become genuinely misplaced or destructive?
My sense is that we are all evolving – or if not, hardening and dying – throughout our lives. It takes some of us longer than others to makes sense of some things about our selves – maybe because we are simply different from one another in the nature and degree of our gender diversity, but also because we have other things to work on or work out too. Discovering that one’s partner’s gender is different from one’s first experience is indeed an experience we might seek to prevent, but perhaps every partner in a long-term relationship must discover something about the other for which they had not quite signed up. I am not sure any of us can entirely avoid hypocrisy, never mind compromise, in our lives. Is courage then also about how we struggle with all of these things as well as appropriate disclosure and expresssion? I guess we have to be tender and supportive to ourselves and others?
