-
For all the Engineers out there… just a bit of humour.
So I just happen to know that there are a significant number of you lovely TGR people who are Engineers by Profession and so here is a curated list of my favourite stories about Engineers.
Hope you enjoy and have a good laugh.1. The Pessimist says “the glass is half empty”. The Optimist says “The glass is half full”.
The Engineer says No “The glass is just twice as big as it needs to be “2. Q. What’s the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers ?
A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons , Civil Engineers build Targets !!!3. The 3 Basic Laws of Engineering
(i) Any circuit or machine design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which have become unobtainable and at least three parts which are still under development
(ii) Nothing shall be built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. If it can’t be fixed, just document it as a non conformance.
(iii) The primary function of all design engineers is to make things as difficult as possible for the fabricator and completely impossible for the serviceman
4 . A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Business Strategy Manager were on their
way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the
brakes failed . The car almost careened out of control, bouncing off crash barriers until it
miraculously came to a halt after scraping along the mountain walls. The car’s occupants
,shaken but unhurt, now had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a
car with no brakes, what were they going to do ?
“ I know” said the Strategy Manager “ Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision Statement and
develop a Mission Statement . Set some Goals and KPI’s and by a process of continuous
improvement we will find a solution to the critical problems and then we can be on
our way.
“No , No” said the Hardware Engineer “That will take far too long and besides has never
worked before” I’ve got a better idea. I’ve Got my Swiss army Knife with me and I can
easily strip down the cars brakes and isolate the fault , fix it then we can be on our way”.
“Well” said the Software Engineer “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car
back up the road and see if it happens… again.5 An Engineer, a Statistician and a Physicist are on a Hunting trip. They spot a Large Deer a
couple of hundred metres away and each take a turn to shoot it. The Physicist goes first . he
pulls out his Calculator calculates the bullet trajectory assuming it is a perfect sphere travelling
in a vacuum and fires. The bullet kicks up dust 30 m short of the animal.
The Engineer quickly pulls out his slide rule and handbook on Ballistics , after a few minutes he
is ready. He takes aim and fires . The bullet brings up dust 30 metres past the Deer . The
Statistician jumps in the air triumphantly “ We got it” !6. A Hot Air Balloonist drifted off course and became lost. He decides to reduce altitude and
spots a woman below standing outside a farmhouse.. He descends lower and shouts “
Excuse me can you help me “ ? “ I promised some friends I would meet them an hour ago
but I don’t know where I am”. The woman replies “You’re in a hot air balloon at around 40
metres above the ground and at Longitude 150 deg 31 minutes East and Latitude 33 deg 71
minutes South.
“That’s incredible ” he said to the woman “You must be an Engineer”. “Yes I am” she said
“How did you know:?
“Well “ answered the Balloonist everything you’ve said sounds so precise but I’ve no idea what
to do with that information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly you’ve not been much help at all
and if anything I’m further delayed in my plans.Well said the woman. “YOU must be In Management” “ I am “ said the balloonist but how did
you know that ?”
“ Its obvious “ she said. “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen
to where you are due to a large amount of Hot Air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea
how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.“ The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in when we met and somehow you think it’s my fault.7. Reaching the end of a Job Interview The HR manager asked the young Engineer what
starting salary were you hoping for . The young engineer says “ Well since I finished my
degree with Honours I think a salary around $100,000 per year depending on the benefits
package..
The HR manager replies saying “ well what would you say to $200,000 per year. Five weeks
paid leave. Full medical insurance a retirement benefit of 50% of salary and a new company
vehicle every 2 years let’s say a Mercedes?”
The young engineer sits up straight and says “WOW, Are you Joking “?
The HR Manager says “ of course I am but you started it “!8 Two Engineering students were wheeling their bikes across the campus when one asked
“Hey where did you get that great bike”, they’re about $5000!!Well I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She looked at me got off the bike and let it fall to the ground., She took off all
her clothes and said to me “ You can have anything you want from me “
The other student nodded approvingly “ Good choice” I don’t think the Clothes would have
suited you !! -
5 Replies
-
Thanks so much, Caroline. It is great fun to laugh at engineers. Thank goodness I’m an extractive metallurgist so these jokes don’t apply to me, but situations do seem familiar. Paula xx
-
Ha ha ha…as an engineer I fully appreciate all the above. Thank you for the laugh Caroline xxx
-
Hi Caroline, I enjoyed reading your description of engineers and it reminded of so many situations I came across in my working career as an aircraft maintenance technician, both on the tools and with projects in the system program offices.
One thing I quickly learnt was understanding the language engineers use to describe events. I’ve added a poster titled Understanding Engineers, to assist TGR members with some engineering terminology.
The second poster is help the TGR members understand the daily hazards different occupations have to deal with as a result of engineers design solutions.
You did leave out Architects from your dissertation, I will add a line from a friend many years ago, an architect has a nightmare and then does a drawing and hands it to the engineer and builder to work out how to build it. Consider the Sydney Opera House, Jørn Utzon designed it then the engineers and builders said how the F*#@ do you build that.
Please enjoy, Rosemary -
Nice ones Rosemary!!!
Architects indeed must be a nightmare for Engineers The poor darlings have to deal with these dreams they have to build.
I was really impressed when I learned that the Engineers figured out how to make the sails of the Opera house as segments of the surface of a sphere.Slightly off topic given I’m in the field of Chemistry but..
What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium!
What do you do for sick chemists?
Curium!
Go and consult a periodic table if you don’t understand these.
.
LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!!Caroline
-
Hi Caroline, I spent a bit of time google surfing yesterday and found a few interesting cartoon to add to this theme. The cartoons are titled,
Budgets
Engineering Rules
Engineer a noun
Architects
Please enjoy, Rosemary
