Funny joke

[Anonymous]

Two people were discussing the appearance of an attractive person over the other side of the room. The man said ” I cannot work out if she is a man or he is a woman”. “She is definitely female” said the woman. “How do you know?”. “I’m her father” was the laconic reply.

Thanks from Judith, an FXG member and raconteur par excellence.

Q: What does a transvestite do at Christmas?

A: Eat, drink and be Mary.

Overheard at work from a colleague, who has just learned of my lifestyle (but after he said this joke).
Thanks Greg

. . . And at Easter

A crossdresser goes to church on Easter. Just as she is entering the church, the priest begins to walk down the center aisle saying prayers and swinging an incense burner. With each swing a puff of scented smoke is given off. The crossdresser struts straight up the aisle to the priest and says “Honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag is on fire ? “

Thanks Nikki

Q: How do you make an upside-down tart?

A: Go for a drive in the country with Sally Watson.

This is in extremely bad taste (Thanks Chris). See the story

A little old lady takes her new car back to the garage where she had bought it a few days previously. She goes up to the salesman and demands of him ” About that car you sold me, the one with the transvestite engine . . .”

“Madam, don’t you mean transverse engine? ” interjects the salesman.

“No ” retorts the little old lady, ” I mean transvestite, as it keeps slipping into the wrong gear.”

Found in the Reader’s Digest – believe it or not.

If two cross dressers-discover they both have an interest in electronics, does that make them Trans-Sisters?

Can Rupert and Pooh be bear cross-dressers, or do they have to keep their clothes on?

The following lament was seen on the back of a toilet door “My mother made me a transvestite”

Underneath some wit had added “If I give her the wool, will she make me one too?”

A man went into the doctors wearing a transparent skirt and no underwear. The doctor said “I can see you’re nuts”

Heard on Vibe FM, a local radio station in the UK.

Q: What’s the difference between a TV and a TS?

A: A TV can’t wait to get home after work and put her high heels on,
and
a TS can’t wait to take hers off.

Just remember; it takes balls to be a tranny.

[Anonymous]

A woman took her pet rottweiler to the vets, as she thought it had an ear infection.
The vet picked up the dog and looked very closely into one of its ears.
“Mmmmm” he said, “I’m afraid I’ll have to put your dog down”.
Fighting back her tears, the woman pleaded to know why, as the dog seemed otherwise fit.
The vet replied
“Because it’s so bl**dy heavy”

john and mark working in the wearhouse,john said 2 mark “im going to get the rest of the day off”,mark said “how r u going 2 that?”,john said “watch this”.
So john climbed onto the rarters and stood there.After a while the foreman came in and seeing john on the rafters said “what are u doing up there”.john said “being a light bulb”,”well john” said the forman “i think u should go home”.so john got his things and went home.After a while mark got his things and was walking out of the wearhouse when he met the foreman who said “and where r u going mark”.Mark repelied “well i cant work in the Dark!”

What’s got 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Rottweiler.

What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a Hyena?
I don’t know either but I’ll join in if it laughs.

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire engine,” the fireman says with admiration. “Thanks,” the girl says. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little lady,” the fireman says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little girl replied, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, “You can write with your other hand.”

[Anonymous]

A British company is developing computer chips that store
music in women’s breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.
😆 😆 😆 😆

[Anonymous]

**LOL** Love it!
Helen

Quote:

A British company is developing computer chips that store
music in women’s breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.
😆 😆 😆 😆

[Anonymous]

It was was one of those warm balmy nights A NEW YEAR”S EVE to be precise .. . when the young man was transfixed by the walking venus , the most beautiful woman he had ever seen..

He approached her with his heart in his throat, to introduce himself, only to find . she had been watching him .

The night went well . and she invited him back to her place , where, a night of pure exstacy followed .

When the young man awoke in te morning , he noticed a framed photo of a strikingly handsom young man in uniform beside his side of the bed,,

He did not what to think , first asking her , was this her boyfriend . NO she replied .
Was it her fiancee ? no silly she replied
Was it her brother , again laughing she said NO .
Was the man in te photo ayour father when he was young – No was the reply
Was the man in te photo a relative . again the answer was NO!

Well who is it !?????????????????????????

She replied

It is me before my operation 😆 😆 😆

Happy new year
Cheers
Elle

[Melissa_Mills]

A truck carrying copies of Roget’s Thesaurus overturned on a highway. The local paper reported that onlookers were “stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded”

So this bloke walks up to a Buddhist hot dog vendor and says “make me one with everything”

[Anonymous]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six . As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose . The two lads objected strongly.
Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; He had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded However, Even with
full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,”Any
idea where we are?”
“I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he then?”

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.”
I said “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”

[Anonymous]

DR.DAVE HAD SLEPT WITH ONE OF HIS PATIENTS,AND HE’S VERY WORRIED ABOUT IT ,BUT A VOICE IN HIS HEAD SAID,DR.DAVE YOUR NOT THE FIRST DR. TO SLEEP WITH A PATIENT AND YOU WONT BE THE LAST, BESIDES YOUR SINGLE SO DON’T WORRY. BUT ANOTHER LITTLE VOICE IN HIS HEAD SAID DR. DAVE YOUR A VET.

[Melissa_Mills]

Diamonds are a girls best friend, while Dogs are man’s best friend. You tell me which sex is smarter…….

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They wont stop and ask for directions

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I have ever seen.” His friend shook his head, “Nah, he’s not that smart, I beat him 3 games in 5”.

[Anonymous]

Golf balls
A man entered the bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls, and then sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed right) blond.
The puzzled blond keeps looking at his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he said, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless the blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer asked……….
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

[Anonymous]

Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.
“Well, they feel a bit tight.” replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
“Try pulling out on the tongue.” offers the clerk.
“Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.” He says.

[Melissa_Mills]

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new film about famous classical composers. In an innovative casting decision he has chosen Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the lead roles. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. “I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce, “I’ll play him”. “And you, Sly?” asked Spielberg, “Mozart’s the one for me” said Stallone.
“And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I’ll be Bach”, said Arnie

[Anonymous]

Based on a situation last sunday, I think I have a original, basic but I developed it. So I have copyright. It mine!!

A couple are going on holidays in a station wagon. He has loaded the wagon to the hilt to avoid taking a trailer. There was some heavy stuff in the back. All was packed the nite before a 3am departure.
Packing took about an hour.

On departure his SO, snacks and two small dogs in the passenger side

He took a short cut where the road was fairly bumpy. On more severe bumps the car would rub on the tyre in the front passenger side. There was some concern to the repeated noises of the tyre rubbing
His partner was also concerned and started to suggest about redistributing the packing in the back.
He obvoiusly was not keen about pulling it all apart and there was silence
The tyre kept on rubbing and both were concerned

He suddenly had a brain wave and said
” Dear, why don’t we swap drivers”

If looks could kill !!!!

Georgette

[Anonymous]

What gender is it?
If you’re like most people, common everyday items look neutral to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example………

1) Ziploc Bags — Male, because they hold everything in but you can
see right through them.

2) Copier — Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and often it’s over inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

5) Sponges — Female, because they’re soft and squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page — Female, because it’s always getting hit on.

7) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer — Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it’s handy to have around.

10) Remote Control — Female…… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.