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Gaining Confidence and coming out to Family
Not sure where this post should live but had the inspiration from recent posts such as latecomers.
My story originates from my early teens in the late 50’s and early 60’s growing up with two older sisters and being exposed to their fashions and femininity. But as with most of us from that era I tried to supressed my urges to dress up and did the “male” thing. After many years of being in the closet and having several purges, in the mid 2000’s I discovered the internet and found I was not alone! Enter TgR.
In 2007 I built up the courage to attend the TgR Christmas Party at the Waldorf. I still get an adrenaline rush whenever I recall the feeling of the door closing behind me when I left the sanctuary of the hotel room to experience my first fully dressed social event.
Progress from there was in fits and starts, I often dressed as Fay and went driving around with all intentions of parking and getting out of the car and walking through a shopping centre or public area at night. This occurred many times but on each occasion I chickened out and returned home “unexposed”.
To break the stalemate one time I waited until my vehicle was almost empty of petrol, dressed as Fay and then drove far enough that I knew I could not return home without refuelling. Fay had to stop for gas! I alighted from the car, filled the tank and went into the servo to pay and then return to the car. WOW what a rush! I did this on several occasions after dark and then finally I repeated the procedure in broad daylight.
Guess what? I might have raised a few eyebrows and side glances but no one said anything or reacted with any unsavoury remarks. Fay was now well and truly born. A few café nights with LK and Caro plus another TgR Christmas party and most of my inhibitions had gone.
The culmination of my confidence was probably the first TgR party at the Opera Bar, where I felt like I fitted in with any group of ladies out for a night of social fun. The staff didn’t bat an eye even though I know I don’t even go close to passing. I used the “ladies” without causing a riot, and when using the lifts gentlemen ushered me in and out first, as I would normally have done in male mode for any female. That was hard to get used to.
I have TgR to thank for starting my freedom trip and nurturing it along the way. TransFormal has also played a large part in honing my confidence and is a must for anyone that is beginning a journey in crossdressing or transitioning.
My next major hurdle is coming out to my Family. My eldest daughter is most likely the best way of introducing Fay but I am afraid to lose her respect. She has a couple of gay friends but I do not know how she would react to her Dad being a crossdresser. Should I just confide in her and come out and tell her, should I tempt her with a discreet photo slipped into an on line album or even accidentally be at the same public place and see if she recognises Fay?
All suggestions considered.
Hugs from Fay
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12 Replies
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Hi Fay,
Such a decision is personal as you and you alone know your family when endeavouring to take such a momentous step. Having said that, I sincerely believe that an up front approach is the best tactic, scary, impossible, gut mangling and a whole host of other descriptions, but in the end, the best, fairest way to come out to family. Who knows? you well may lose some, and on the other hand you may gain some valuable support from family you never thought possible. It’s up to you; I wish you the best of British luck. -
Hello Fay, as Liz so rightly says, it’s a very personal decision, I was upfront when telling my sister last year, though still chickened out on doing it face to face, excuse being she lives 700km away.
I’d just watched the Kate McGregor story & sent her a very emotional email entitled Pandora’s Box, as soon as she’d read it the next morning she rang & we had a long talk in which she was very understanding & supportive.
Now she & her partner along with my niece & her partner are used to seeing me dressed, my niece calls me uncle or aunt depending on my appearance.
Totally agree with your observations about TGR & Transformal & the confidence they inspire. -
Hi to all on TGR,
Yes I think I have the confidence to go out dressed, but perhaps only as far as the proverbial “drive in the car”. Full public view may return, as I did it many many moons ago.
What I really wanted to comment on in this post is my increasing frustration at keeping Caty literally “under wraps” from my beloved partner of 15 years. She who knows, but most definitely does not approve.
Now I’m not saying I want to be Caty in front of her or most certainly not here “in the sticks”. (the gossip mill would go into meltdown).
But I would like to be up front with her and be able to explain that I will be “missing” for a few days and spend that time being Caty. (Transformal anyone???)
OK I could sit her down and we could have the “Serious Discussion”. However, if that went pear shaped, (as it did with my ex wife 40 years ago,) where do we go from there??…Once bitten, etc etc
Its also very unfair on her. Ok, she tolerates it now, but putting myself in her high heels, I can imagine her thoughts running riot. OK he’s out there in the big wide world dressed in women’s clothes, what happens if there’s an accident. What if he gets mugged in the street??? How do in her mind does she deal with it, if it all goes wrong.
There’s no easy solution, so its best that that sleeping puppy dog just continues its nap.
There I feel better already. Thanks to all who read this.
Caty
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Your “what ifs” rang a bell with me, Caty. On my first trip to the Gender Centre in Sydney I carefully explained to my wife what I was doing but her imagination ran riot. She thought I might sneak out of my hotel the night before, go for a walk down George St as Carol and get bashed and hospitalised. (At this stage she knew about Carol but hadn’t agreed to see me dressed. That came later).
I actually had a pleasant evening as Carol in the hotel room and then next morning as I drove my car out of the basement car park my mobile phone went berserk. I’d accidentally left it in the car overnight. My wife not able to get the phone to respond, assumed the worst, rang the Gender Centre and shared her panic. Then she rang our eldest (adult) daughter who tried to calm her down but in the process my daughter learned all about Carol for the first time.
I got to ring all of the above as soon as I’d read the multitude of messages just in time to forestall calls to the police and hospitals. In the wash-up I had to come out to our two other daughters. Not exactly how I’d planned the coming out to family but as they say “better out than in”. -
Coming out to close family, particularly your wife is one of the hardest things and also one of the most personal things. Only you can know the strength of the relationship and only you are in a position to predict the reactions. In my case I told my wife several years ago… I had not been subtle, leaving clothes hanging in the closet. I can say it didn’t go well!
I had prepared a script, a series of points to try to cover but that was a waste of time. There was an immediate barrage of questions, or statements veiled as questions:
“Was I gay?”
“I was dressing to attract men”!
“Had I had sex with a man?”
“The marriage is a sham!”I’m sure there are others who have heard similar. In the early days I would dress without makeup or wig, overweight and bald. It’s difficult to argue with her comments that I looked stupid and she didn’t want to see it. We remained living almost separated but under the same roof for close to twelve months before I sat her down for what I think should have been the first talk. I had prepared a quantity of documentation, websites and forums for her to read. We set boundaries and limitations. And most importantly promised to continue conversation and to keep no more secrets. I took her to meet other cross dressers and thier wives. I ensured she heard the reassurances from many other sources than me alone.
Over the next year a number of goals were achieved… She bought me my first wig, she taught me makeup skills, she even started shopping for me. I kept to my word and never stepped outside the limitations we set without negotiation and approval.
Whilst I’m sure there are still difficulties she worries over, now she actually prefers Donna to boy me. She refers to me as Donna and uses female pronouns. We have gone out to to various places from a simple drive in the country to parties and shopping. As she gained confidence I extended the circle of those who know, family, friends, colleagues… The mistakes and successes I learnt talking to her made each subsequent ‘reveal’ easier, not easy, just easier… We have started to help others now, providing that independent resource for other wives to question and vent to.
Now I dress most days in a mix of boy and girl, mostly girl around the house, only careful not to ’embarrass’ my sons if they have friends over…
Now, please I’m not saying it’s all rainbows and unicorns for her. I have some great girls I work with who regularly take her out to make sure she is ok. I was even glad last week when she agreed to talk to a counsellor I know. She has also attended sessions with me and my psychiatrist.
The journey continues and I’m so glad she is beside me.
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Donnagirl wrote:Coming out to close family, particularly your wife is one of the hardest things and also one of the most personal things. Only you can know the strength of the relationship and only you are in a position to predict the reactions.As you say Donna, coming out to one’s spouse is certainly one of the most personal things we can do. I would even suggest that no matter how strong the relationship sometimes we still have doubts about what the reaction will be. I think that can be a reason for some to not reveal all; a fear of a negative reaction despite how strong they feel the relationship is.
I know in my case it was that fear that kept me silent for longer than I should have been. It was only when I realised that I was spiralling into self destruction and taking our marriage with me that I decided that I couldn’t stay silent any longer. It was certainly the most difficult conversation we’ve ever had, both of us shedding quite a few tears. In the end though my wife realised that she essentially held my life in her hands and she wasn’t willing to give me up. Like you I also faced some of those basic questions and they were all answered honestly. Thankfully I realised a bit earlier that honest communication was also critical if we were both to move ahead.
It took my wife a while before she was ready to see Jane by way of photos and another six months before she was willing to meet in person. Each step took some adjustment for her though thankfully she was always able to keep in her mind that I was still the same person she married. Indeed, she was the first to suggest that my more feminine aspects were what ‘softened’ me, that made me the ‘nice’ person that she loved.
We are both pleased to have met your good lady and her openess and honesty comes through in the love and support she shows. There will always be things they worry over but I’ve come to believe that many of the worries are about how things will affect us. Their love and support also included being protective of us.
I’m able to dress at home any time I wish to though, similarly to your wish to not embarrass your kids, I need to be mindful of not causing difficulties for our daughter, who still lives in Canberra and particularly our grandson. Having a six year old talk about what his grandpa wears might not make ideal ‘news’ at school.
My wife has actually developed more confidence than I have and has told a number of her trusted friends. All have reacted positively and I trust her judgement implicitly.
As you say, the journey continues and I think that we are lucky to have them beside us. I am sure there are others still in the closet who would find the same.
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That is an amazing story. Well observed and insightful.
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My reason for posting to this thread is to encourage those whose wives do not want to know about or are opposed to your CDing. Life as a CD while complex can still be very rewarding. You don’t need your wife to be involved.
It is now close to 4 years since I first revealed to my wife that my need/urge to dress had returned. We had been together just 2 1/2 years at that stage. The brief discussion went very badly – dressing was abhorrent to her and she threatened suicide on the basis that she couldn’t live with me but couldn’t live without me. I was devastated thinking that her love was conditional and she was rejecting an important part of me.
Wind the clock forward several years and the outcome is that I have two lives – as a male where my wife is my best friend and as a female with a number of girlfriends and acquaintences. My wife knows that I dress but doesn’t want to know the details, what I look like or to participate. I live most of my working week femme and enjoy the freedoms that come with no boundaries others than those self-imposed. There are trade-offs of course.
Yet, much of the angst has disappeared about my dressing and I no longer fear that our marriage won’t survive. Perhaps her fears have eased over time. We talk fashion and make up in the third person. She knows where my clothes are. Yet I doubt very much that she will ever ‘soften’ enough to be willing to open even a window into my femme world but I know that her love for me IS unconditional. It is just how she copes.
Don’t despair if your wife doesn’t support you. Be gentle and accommodate her sensitivities. Accept and enjoy who you are. You never know what lies around the corner.
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Michelle it is most appropriate that we all encourage those whose wives do not want to know about or are opposed to cross dressing. I have much empathy for those who have come out to their wife/partner or other family member and not met a level of acceptance that allows them to dress openly, thus requiring them to continue to do so with a great degree of discretion. Though it might be hard to see in that scenario the positive is that the cross dressing is no longer in secret. As you say, on that basis life as a CD, while somewhat complex, can still be very rewarding.
It is important for all of us to keep in mind that as much as we desire that our friends and family have understanding and tolerance for us we must also be alert to their sensitivities. Everyone will seek to deal with the knowledge as they feel is best for themself. Some will come to feel that they can accept that part of our lives and embrace it to varying degrees. Others will find that their own inner beliefs and feelings do not permit compliance but can happily live with a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ approach. That might just be enough for an otherwise loving couple to continue their relationship.
Time might make things easier; curiosity might overcome fear but if it doesn’t then so be it. Removing the secrecy element can, as you said, help to dispel angst and fear.
As I mentioned before, only the individuals involved will know the full story and are thus able to make the relevant decisions. The rest of us can only offer support and encouragement for whatever course events take for those involved.
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I finally had the time ( and the courage ) to tell my 24 y/old daughter about being TG yesterday, she hugged me and said that she had thought it was the case for a couple of years and was trying to find the right moment to ask ME!
She has been watching TG documentaries etc for the past few months in readiness for a chat……..I was so happy and so gobsmacked!
KX
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There are some good and diverse responses to Fay’s original post here. I particularly liked Donna’s which demonstrates the power of two people working gently through their difficulties and emerging with a positive outcome for all concerned.
In my experience, The reaction of family members is nearly always surprising and unpredictable. My adult daughter caught me red-handed and I assure you I was not a pretty sight; in those days, I had no wigs, no make-up, a beard and very hairy arms. She laughed loudly as she went to her room. The next morning I gave her a lift to work and apologized to her asking her if she was upset about what she had seen. Her answer suggested a worldliness I could not have anticipated; she just said: “No problem at all. I used to share a flat with a couple of guys; one of them used to ask me to buy him female underwear and I knew why!”
Coming out to my wife was relatively easy. She did not know but I did not like living a lie and felt I would go mad if I did not tell her what I had been doing for the previous few years. We had been married for over 30 years at that stage and it was a total surprise for her. Her initial reaction was “do it in your own time and don’t bother me” but otherwise she took the news calmly.
Our relationship has always been close and loving, so I was happy that at least it was out in the open, even conditionally. Several weeks later she asked to see me dressed and her only comment was: “Well, you’re still the same person, no matter what you’re wearing.” From that point on, I dressed nearly every night for dinner and the relationship between Martina and my wife slowly evolved to where it is today. She is my protector and co-conspirator and as supportive as any T-girl could hope for; her only condition is that she won’t be seen out with Martina except for arranged TG events such as the Transformal. But I can certainly live with that small encumbrance.
As Donna demonstrated in her post, a gently-gently one baby-step at a time approach by two mature adults who treat each other with love and respect can yield long-term benefits for all. I am saddened that this will only be the case for some of us.
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Wow, this is one area that is just a minefield with no right or wrong answers. Over the years I think I have experienced the best and the worst of people. My coming out has turned out to be a very long process taking the best part of 30 years to get to where I am now.
My biggest regret is never having the strength to tell my SO of 10 years. It meant that there was always a part of myself that was not being honest and open. The lack of honesty in our relationship was corrosive and slowly over a number of years we drifted in different directions until we got to a point where we were living under the same roof but the relationship was over. We were living two quite separate lives and wanted different things from life. There was a lot going on in the relationship, but I believe that my failure to come out was a major contributor to our relationship ending. And yes I was the mongrel who walked out on it because I couldn’t live the deception any longer.
Winding the clock back to when I was 22 I came out to my dad and one of my brothers, my mother had already passed by that stage. I won’t go into details other than to say it didn’t go well and I didn’t see my family for the next 15 years. When contact was reestablished my cross dressing was never discussed and always felt like the elephant in the room. Nothing quite like sitting with my father who was quite elderly by that stage and watching the news only to see a story about something related to the LGBTI community. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but never a word said.
Fast forward to 2016 and due to a variety of circumstances I have moved to the ACT. The change had given me more freedom to be myself with consequences for my state of mind. This has meant that despite the risks I needed to, and wanted to come out to my niece and her partner who live in Sydney. I had spent a couple of months trying (and failing) to find the right occasion, only to blurt everything out at the end of a very long and enjoyable Christmas day no less. The reaction left me stunned, no judgement, nothing negative, only loving acceptance of who I am and who I may become. After everything I have been through, and put myself through over the years this was incredibly reassuring and has given me a strength and purpose I didn’t think I had in me.
The challenge now is where this journey is going to take me, but knowing I have the support of loved ones means anything is possible.
