Gender, a problem with us!

[Anonymous]

I am comfortable with who I am. I have no need for friends who are friends ONLY because either of us are trans.

As for support groups. I find that there are few who join a support group for the purpose of supporting others. Everyone seems to have their own agenda. Whether it is to justify their own beliefs or needs. Or just to find people with something in common.

Many who pass through here or other places are on a personal journey. Some stay. Others move on.

I have found that often I have little to input as my experience is different to others. I am not a crossdresser. I have no wish to be “identified” as a transwoman. I do not wish to influence others to find a different solution to what their own situation should be.

BUT, I have no issue with people knowing that I was born a different gender to what I present to now.

I have no “illusion” to the fact I grew up different to other women. I am cruelly reminded daily when I forget that. Being accepted as a women, even those who know can forget, and instances arise that serve to remind all in the conversation that “I” am “different”. I was a “father” and not a “mother”. I was a “boy and not a “girl”.

But, I have progressed to a point where my gender is not that all consuming “issue” in my everyday life. It is part of who I am. It is not WHO I am. I will not be told that I should be “out there” because that is not who I am and not what I do.

If I have something to say that is relevant, I will. I can see why some cut off links with “support groups” after they have sorted out their own needs. This journey is difficult and many can only cope with that alone. Also, there is a drain on personal resources that is not justified by the return on the investment. There are lot’s of “takers” in this world and not many “givers”.

You talk of commitment. I think more along the lines of relevance. If something is relevant to your life, you can make the commitment. If you are trans and seeking “normality” in your life, after transitioning and establishing yourself, it is painful at times to be reminded of the more difficult parts of the journey.

[Anonymous]

Not being someone who has Transitioned or even has considered Transition I can only speculate. However I can see why people who have gone through the emotional and physical pain to achieve a successful transition would maybe want to turn their backs on that part of their lives that hurt them the most.

I have joined a support group because I wanted to converse with like minded people, get advice and generally not feel alone any more. If I can help anyone and support them I will, as long as my help and support is welcome. I am trying to make a difference for Transgendered People in this country with my one small voice, and I will continue to do so.

As for what I am, well I am Transgendered, by which I feel as though I am male and female and I am comfortable drifting between those two modes of living. I have no desire to go one way or the other at the moment.

Also as long as I am made to feel welcome in this support group by at least one member I will remain a member. And as for throwing stones at you Kristyana I don’t think so, we are all individuals and we all see ourselves differently so I don’t envisage anyone criticising you at all. Only the angry and insecure would even consider it I would think

[Anonymous]

Krystyana, thanks for your thoughts & taking the time to share them, simply by doing so is a form of support. Any of us that participate in these varying ‘conversations’ are giving even as we take, whether we intend to or not. The facility of the forum itself is important & the participation equally important. For me, reading the thoughts of others has been instrumental in assisting me to come to my own conclusions – which I then offer in return.

Portia wrote;

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As for support groups. I find that there are few who join a support group for the purpose of supporting others. Everyone seems to have their own agenda. Whether it is to justify their own beliefs or needs. Or just to find people with something in common.

I can’t imagine that too many people would join for the key purpose of offering assistance, by it’s nature a support group is something one joins for ones own need. To stay involved in a support group, to ‘give back’ after your key needs have been met though, I think is admirable.

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I have found that often I have little to input as my experience is different to others.

I relish the difference of opinions & experiences if they are offered fairly.
For me, the differences of opinions & personal experiences is the key feature that has helped me…to see that there is no ‘correct’ answer.
Sometimes we might imagine that our posts are of little consequence to others but my experience has been that there is always someone who benefits from my participation & likewise I from them.

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I can see why some cut off links with “support groups” after they have sorted out their own needs. This journey is difficult and many can only cope with that alone. Also, there is a drain on personal resources that is not justified by the return on the investment. There are lot’s of “takers” in this world and not many “givers”.

I agree with this also. Unfortunately the takers do outnumber the givers & it is a fact in all areas of life…because we (humans) are all different it will always be the case.
What brings us together here…our difference…is probably what leads many to ‘go their own way’.

There are likely many reasons why people join groups like this one, Pamela mentioned some;

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I have joined a support group because I wanted to converse with like minded people, get advice and generally not feel alone any more

Portia also suggested;

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Everyone seems to have their own agenda. Whether it is to justify their own beliefs or needs. Or just to find people with something in common.

I don’t think agendas are a problem, I think intolerance & domineering is though.
One of the real difficulties with a group like this (I think) is that much of what each of us initially write is exploratory, we are trying to understand ourselves but doing it publically…a bit like teenagers experimenting (& making mistakes).
I know this has been the case for me & some of my friends here.
Possibly another difficulty is that when we think we’ve ‘discovered’ an answer, sometimes some of us become over zealous with our new found understanding.
(I imagine) we’re all here (at least initially) for emotional reasons.

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There is an illusion. The illusion is that we can be other than that which we are. We are transgender we aren’t male, we aren’t female, and whatever we think we can never be either.

I happen to agree with this but then I’m sure there will be those who don’t.

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If we would accept that we are transgender then we would really be able to move forward as a community instead of disappearing back to “normal life”.

I understand your intentions with this comment but I’m still not convinced about the ‘community’ as a ‘movement’ ideal. I definitely believe in helping each other & a part of that involves educating society…& therefore being seen but the reality is that most people (generally) are followers. There will only ever be the minority who have the desire & as Portia alluded to, the stamina to be ‘active’ in working toward a more equal situation for any marginal or minority group.
Personally, I actively engage with people so that they at least meet a Tg person…but that’s just me. For a great many people that won’t suit their personalities… let alone their desires.
I guess in some ways calling for us all to jump into the Tg ‘box’ is no different to putting people into any other box. My gut tells me that as a community we could achieve a great deal by talking to the greater community, especially children, about gender in all it’s forms & descriptions rather than single out transgender. Every time we draw attention to our ‘difference’ we marginalise ourselves. Some of us argue that we should ‘fix ourselves’ & then ‘fit’ back into society…if that’s what they need, so be it but I very sincerely believe working toward a better understanding of gender in all it’s guises & variation, in all of society, is the the better option because it is all inclusive – of everybody & every body.
Thanks for raising the topic Krystyana.

[Anonymous]

I am pretty sure that when I am satisfied with my gender physically I will fade away from any support I currently use. I think of support groups/sites as a temporary resource, not a permanent fixture. People pass through and offer advice to each other and when they are ready they move on. Maybe because I’m more of a ‘stealth’ trans (to the general community) I don’t feel the urge to stay linked to other trans.

To me it is a problem, not a double gender bonus gift to be in the wrong body. Once the problem is fixed I will leave it to others to carry on their repairs. It may sound selfish and that’s because it is in the end my body, not an agenda.

[Anonymous]

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I think of support groups/sites as a temporary resource, not a permanent fixture. People pass through and offer advice to each other and when they are ready they move on.

We are all different & must do what we feel comfortable with but if each person moved on once they’ve got what they want there would be nobody to share with except others still finding their way.
Of course it can be argued that the archives are available but that doesn’t even come close to actually sharing with each other & being directly supportive ‘in the moment’.

I offer an analogy; it’s a bit like the people who stand around being entertained by a ‘street performer’. They are entertained for free, they may even show their gratitude by clapping but they move on without offering what the performer actually performs for – payment.

Another analogy is the person who ‘takes’ information from a shop keeper knowing full well that they intend to buy online.

They take but do not give back.

There would be no help from & for anyone if we all had that attitude.

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It may sound selfish and that’s because

It is.

[Anonymous]

The street performer analogy mentions lack of payment. I have made a few posts offering my opinions as well as the donation to join the site. Let me know the criteria for how long I need to hang around before I qualify for being a saint.

If I was born with webbed feet would I need to devote my time to similar people once I was dewebbed?

My previous post implied at the end that I will move on with my life because it is MY life. Not anybody elses.

[Adrian]

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We are all different & must do what we feel comfortable with but if each person moved on once they’ve got what they want there would be nobody to share with except others still finding their way.
…..
They take but do not give back.
There would be no help from & for anyone if we all had that attitude.

I puzzled how we got here from Kristyana’s original post, as wandering off topic is something I clearly must not enjoy. But I think we are exploring

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We hide it at the start, we transition and then we return to hiding in the future. It is not the way to achieve anything except for yourself . That by default is selfish. To take advantage of the support of the community and the leave it in your wake. To move on is to leave the world how you found it and to hell with that I will not .

In this context Chloe’s observation hits the nail right on the head.
However, as in any good construction, there is more than one nail to hit!

I’ve a long history of attempting to NOT leave the world as I found it. Since founding TrannyRadio and joining the Seahorse NSW committee about 14 years ago, I’ve always been involved in some way supporting our community.
And it hasn’t been an easy ride – because there is another elusive nail that I can’t quite hit.

Not only do many in our community have a very inward (I won’t say selfish) looking view – there is a trend to grab what they need from those offering support and then attack the support network. This means they can justify “moving on” to themselves.

To elaborate on Chloe’s example of a street performer. This is like taking the free entertainment, but kicking over the music stand and scattering the small change as one leaves.

I know Chloe will understand exactly what I am saying here, but how many others realise how destructive their “me , me” behaviour is on those who offer support.

Sadly, until we mature as a community being in a support role, and continuing to put back, is a difficult position that I suspect few will want to aspire to.

[Anonymous]

It seems I have been understood and I’m glad that’s the case. Just to clarify , my choice of words was deliberately tending to the provocative in order to get attention of any who want to defend the negative, disfunction in our community.

I have posted it in several forums and I must say it has struck a cord on all , only on the tvchix forum has it draw out discontent in any readers, and I noticed that the tendency was to select words and misinterpret the content or ignore pretty much the point. Maybe English critics are more vocal but what was clear from them was that it is not isolated to one place in the world. People are entitled to enjoy and live their lives as they see fit and some want nothing, fine, , but too many of the worlds population are willing to suck the life out of others to get where they want to be. Regard for others maybe altruistic and in some ways nieve but it is there that people draw the strength to carry on with their lives , so to say they’re moving on individuals need to be aware of the benefits they had and what they take when they leave.

All for the moment.

[Carol]

I suppose until I’ve been there. I mean fully transitioned and comfortable in it. I don’t know what my attitude will be but I can guess. When I came to Australia 40 odd years ago I didn’t join an ex-Poms club. After a coronary bypass 15 yrs ago I didn’t join the Zipper club. I haven’t joined any prostate cancer support groups either. So when the problem is fixed I tend to move on with my life in the mainstream. I’m busily contributing at the moment on several TG/CD sites and will be going to events. I’m also taking information and experience from these places but I can foresee a day when I won’t want or need to. I certainly don’t judge others who have moved on. Good luck to them.