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Handling of a very ill person.
Hi all,
A couple of days ago, my father became very ill and the doctors said call the family so everyone went to toowoomba on that day from Brisbane (2 hours for me), Syndey and Canberra. There seemed to be shallow breathing and the doctors thought that a stroke had occurred. This is from a stomach bug. He seemed unconsious with no pain. He has since slowly got better and is now slightly back to his old self.
While in the room, I have noticed how different men and women handle themselves. I would like to know if the way I handled it was just my fear, lack of knowing what to do or just classic male trained response.
The men seemed to hold back and do nothing unless asked and usually only get the nurse or pass one of the girls something. While the girls were in there close and adjusting things and holding his hand and talking to him even when he appeared to not listening.
By the end of the day, I had adjusted his oxygen tube and on the next day had held his hand once but on day 2 everyone had to wear gloves and plastic gowns in case, we gave him anything. I know I have unnatural fear of others and myself dying.
How would you have reacted in this situation.
Fran
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5 Replies
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Fran
Its good to know your father is getting better.
As a personal carer, I have done some palliative care work.
I would say you ticked yes to the three, but there are no rules…
definately fear of the unknown
definately not knowing what to do
the female side of the families seem to let feelings show more in these situuations.
By adjusting things and holding his hand showed you wanted to help and cared… both great responsesEveryone will act differently under these conditions.
Sally
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My time as a single parent and before that primary carer of my daughter, gave me a familiarity with personal care that many men do not experience. My 14 years as a carer for many disabled people continued this trend. Giving a man a suppository everyday tends to sweep away any fears of close physical contact! I often marvel at how many jobs I have had in traditional female roles ( nothing wrong with me mate!!!!)
Footballers, wrestlers etc have very close personal contact with another but it is not in a caring role usually. I think men often avoid caring contact with other men due to fear of allegations of being ” soft”. they tend to minimize pain and injury and reject help. It is the way we socialize boys and girls, how often have you heard a man tell a boy to not be a sook or ” that didn’t hurt ” when a kid falls over. It is important to acknowledge pain in another and to allow them to express it appropriately rather than having to pretend that they are not hurting.
When I last saw my Dad, I kissed him for the first time since I was a childI think it is important to act the way you feel when someone is sick. Despite protestations , I think that everyone appreciates basic human kindness and contact. Don’t worry what others think, be who you are..
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I don’t know how I would have reacted now to a situation like that. I remember in previous instances like this during my life that I would have been quiet and kept things and thoughts inside me. Probably because I thought that I should be strong so that I could comfort the women if I needed to.
Since I came out though (and later after starting HRT), I’ve noticed that I am a lot more emotional so even though I would still try to stay strong in the circumstances I think that I would also be a lot more caring and thoughtful as well as being ok with hand holding and so on. I guess that becoming true to myself has let me unknowingly become more in touch with my feelings and also not be afraid of what other people think if you do these sorts of things. The guys (I feel) tend not to do so much in these circumstances because they don’t want to seem “girly”, I know that was a lot of my thinking previously too.
Having said that, I don’t wish to be in the circumstances like that to see what happens though nor do I wish it upon anybody else. I hope that everything does work out up there for your dad too Fran, my fingers are crossed for him.
Peta A.
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Hi…
Hopeing your dad does get well . some times it details like this that bring us ..family .. closer . Many males just hang around . not wonting or not knowing what to do . being soft . oh yea a sign of weekness . because they have been brought up with . that attatude of being strong . the big man sort of thing . & really are they . i think you did well in letting a little bit of you come out .
i v had to deal with this . in careing for my mum & changeing dressings for my father . & started at 13 to do things that an adult should have been doing . not a kid . so yea when you are brought up with it you just do it . .
is there a difference for me as male or female no none . i know i was taught many things as a male yet it did not sit right with me . so yes i was allways softer , & how we react there is a difference . as women we will just do ….. we cope differently & yes when i lost my mum at 24 . i took a week out . & i let it all out . even tho jos was with me then . my emotions oh yea i struggled . for the first few days . if you like my world was over . so yes i am very emotional .
for me there has never been any difference i m a andro . & that explains me as a person . both male & female . & we all react differently ….…noeleena…
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I find it easy too nurse strangers.. but when it came too my mum i totally lost plot ???
