have you always known you were/are gender dysphoric?

[Anonymous]

Melissa, your question is one that I’ve pondered quite a bit because in my case I can’t identify with those who have cross-dressed & felt from a young age that they were either presenting the wrong gender or living in the wrong body. I just knew I was different to everybody else with no idea of how I was different, I just didn’t fit.

I have never identified as a crossdresser other than using the term for a few months immediately after identifying that I could be described as Transgendered (18 months ago). I also (in my own mind) have never crossdressed, not even now that I present as a woman full time.
Guided by the generally accepted ‘categories’, I am probably a ‘secondary transsexual’ who is not overtly feminine but very self expressive. The identification doesn’t hugely matter to me other than that I now need to ‘comply’ with various protocols in order to comply for (medically assisted) HRT.

What I definitely have known for all of my life (that I can remember) is that I was & felt very ‘different’ from other people (except my father who was a troubled soul). ‘Different’ has always been the word I’ve used & I can recall many times throughout my life where I’ve tried to explain that to people but to no avail. I simply didn’t understand what this difference was but I experienced it always.
At varying times I have put it down to being creative & therefore sensitive (the troubled soul)…or, due to diagnosed depressive events & suicide attempts…as mental illness. Every now & then I would wonder if I was gay…& I apologise to all same sex attracted people for (in the past) confusing gender with sexuality, I knew no better.

I didn’t consciously cross-dress but rather presented androgynously since just before my teens because that expressed my ‘difference’ but as stated I didn’t even know what gender meant. This presentation included boots intended for women, makeup, flimsy/blousey type tops & pants, extremely colourful ‘costume’, long hair or particularly radical androgynous styles with lots of colour. I’ve also had pierced ears since quite young & worn lots of jewellery since young. I was always conscious that my presentation was different to most but because my first love was art & creativity, I wore my difference as a badge of honour.
This has been both detrimental & advantageous at the same time – though only in hindsight.

The advantage was that I did not struggle with the idea of gender variance because I hadn’t actually realised it – once identified, it was a relatively brief period to accept (& understand) what the ‘difference’ was. I believe it is one of the reasons my transition has so far been without real drama.

The disadvantage has been that for 4 decades I thought I was mentally ill or simply ‘bad stock’. At age fifteen I made a very conscious decision to not perpetuate ‘bad blood lines’, I decided to NEVER have children. I don’t regret not having children as I have no desire to be a parent but it is a shame that I spent all that time thinking I was no good. I make no complaint about this observation, it is what it is…I tend to look forward & not back.

So the short answer to your question is; I have always known I was ‘different’ but only gave it a name & explanation at age 47.

I understand that it is not the case for many others but for me it has been a great relief realising that I am gender variant rather than the other possibilities that I had considered. I’m happy being transgendered & even happier since starting to transition.

[Anonymous]

I’ve wanted to be a female from a very young age and also quickly learned that it wasn’t a normal desire. Like (I assume) many others I have been through the roller coaster of denial. At various times I’ve done the purge, partied a lot, hit the gym, grown the beard and been a ‘real’ man (read: obnoxious). Eventually I tried to submit and be a crossdresser, but finally I conceded I was transgender.

It has been a painful battle which was really unnecessary in many ways. I think it says a lot about society in general that it causes such a major internal conflict in people through shame, etc.

So, back to the original point, I have known my whole life.

[Anonymous]

Hi Melissa,

I’ve been crossdressing since the age of 7, but I didn’t know that such behaviour fell under the umbrella of TG, or that there was a wide spectrum of gender variations, until very late. Actually, I’ll qualify that statement. While I didn’t know I was TG, I thought that I was a ‘transvestite’, based on the language of the day, at around 11 or 12-years of age. After that discovery, I always felt awkward and paranoid whenever the topic was raised.

Like many TGs, I’ve also done my fair share of purging. But I think that had to do with the fact that I’ve always fluctuated between genders. Not because of any kind of self-loathing or shame, but mostly because I identify with both genders equally (‘gender fluid’ my psych told me). So why did I hide it? Well, I suffer from an allergic reaction whenever fists hit my face.

My hormone use appears to be no different. I’m on my second round of hormones (the first was around the same time last year). My breasts tend to develop very quickly, so when that happened the first time, my male side decided that there was a limit and I stopped taking hormones and worked on developing a masculine chest (my bod is surprisingly adaptable). Now my breasts have reached the point that they did last year, which I feel very comfortable with. In fact I love it. I’ll probably stop the hormones again, though, and drive my endo crazy in the process.

Actually, it’s interesting how endos, in my experience, think in binary, too. Despite me telling him I want a gender middle ground, he seems keen on creating a complete woman.

You’re definitely right about gender norms causing internal conflict with transgendered people. Not everyone is born with a capacity to shrug off years of social engineering from birth. You need a particular personality for that; one that I do not possess, unfortunately.

Another thread topic I thought relevant to this one was the idea of choice, which is a red herring, in my opinion. Do we decide by ‘choice’ what gender we want to be? I believe that there’s something wrong with that question, because if it were true I think we’d see more people opting for their opposite gender (even after accounting for people too scared to come out). I don’t think the MS population thinks too much (if at all) about whether they’re the right gender or not; only how much, how little or in what way they want to express their biological gender. Clearly people who are trans, irrespective of whether they think they’ve made a ‘choice’ to be trans, have an inherent capacity to be so. I think there are choices involved, but they have more to do with whether you want to live as the gender you believe yourself to be.

Getting back to the point of this thread, I think people have to go with their gut instincts. Ultimately, that’s really all we have to go by. The mental health industry can only help you so much, which is primarily concerned with ‘diagnosis’ (required for HRT) and coping mechanisms to help manage the social pressures of being trans. The recently amended DSM-V demonstrates how little we know about the psychological composition of the brain. A change to the entry on PTSD, for example, went from 20,000 ways it can be expressed to 600,000. Now think about how many ways that gender variance could be expressed.

Moreover, while I said that I adopted labels fairly early (‘transvestism’), I think that such labels are not very helpful (at least not outside of a psych’s office, where both parties can get a rough idea where you sit on the gender spectrum). As I said earlier, one of three psychiatrists told me that I was gender fluid, but my first psych (after only three sessions) told me that I was a transsexual and would transition completely. So no matter how professional diagnosis is dressed up, it is quite subjective. The most useful diagnostic tool, which isn’t available yet, would be clinical staging, where you could get a better understanding of where you sit on your personal gender timeline. I think such a tool could greatly improve the mortality rates among the transgendered ‘community’.

[Melissa_Mills]

I have always felt I was different too but not really sure how. Even if I did believe I was gender dysphoric (which I don’t believe I am), I am lonely and feel isolated now and I don’t feel that going down that path will do anything to help that.
For people who “only” identify as a crossdresser, I think its harder to work out where to take it as you identify as male but just want to express yourself from time to time in a dress, heels, makeup etc.
I was talking to my brother in law about this last week (he knows and isn’t the slightest bit fazed that I do it) but he feels that (his words) 99% of people wont be accepting of it and I would be better served to try and supress it if I want to meet people and create a social circle.
Gender dysphoric people have it harder overall but easier at least on one level as they know what their end goal is and can work towards it. Eventually you have to tell everyone in your life but CD’s have the choice and if you choose to hide it, then you have to worry about discovery and feelings of guilt and feelings of deception to the important people in your life.
My brother told me (also last week) that when I told him in 2007, he said he felt deceived (interesting choice of words). I have no problems getting along with my brother, his wife and their kids mind you. He wondered if I’d been hiding that, what else was I hiding.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I have always felt I was different too but not really sure how. Even if I did believe I was gender dysphoric (which I don’t believe I am), I am lonely and feel isolated now and I don’t feel that going down that path will do anything to help that.
For people who “only” identify as a crossdresser, I think its harder to work out where to take it as you identify as male but just want to express yourself from time to time in a dress, heels, makeup etc.
I was talking to my brother in law about this last week (he knows and isn’t the slightest bit fazed that I do it) but he feels that (his words) 99% of people wont be accepting of it and I would be better served to try and supress it if I want to meet people and create a social circle.
Gender dysphoric people have it harder overall but easier at least on one level as they know what their end goal is and can work towards it. Eventually you have to tell everyone in your life but CD’s have the choice and if you choose to hide it, then you have to worry about discovery and feelings of guilt and feelings of deception to the important people in your life.
My brother told me (also last week) that when I told him in 2007, he said he felt deceived (interesting choice of words). I have no problems getting along with my brother, his wife and their kids mind you. He wondered if I’d been hiding that, what else was I hiding.

Aside from his latter remark “…what else are you hiding” (an attitude I’ve never understood, considering that there are good reasons for hiding your dressing, as your bro seems to already know), I would love it if anyone in my family were as understanding as he seems to be.

Yes, I know the feeling about hiding versus coming out, etc. I swear, if I didn’t have to worry about other people (yes, I know, theoretically that shouldn’t be a factor, but I think it is), I would probably gradually let myself slide into a complete transition. But as I have certain responsibilities, I feel like I need to moderate my changes. Not that this is a bad thing, as I’m not at war with my male side.

[Catherine]

Hi Melissa,

I’ll spare you the details, as we are all different. In answer to your question. Yes; I identified myself at the age of 4, to be a girl, not a boy.

With the aid of an gender therapist I was able to process my dysphoria to the point of transitioning. This is a process in progress to be completed soon.

I’ve never really subscribed to the “born in the wrong body” syndrome. The body I have IS mine, it just had some correctable imperfections. I discovered that in Year 9 science.

Hope this helps

Huggs
Catherine

[Adrian]

I think the question is an interesting one – as our individual paths to understanding our true self are so varied. Unfortunately the question can also lead to a hidden commentary where the earlier you “knew” your true gender the more “valid” your gender identity is. So to stop this thread developing that flavour I’ll answer the question in a very roundabout way.

TS/Gender Dysphoric is, as we are all aware a box – one created by the medical profession for the purpose of “treatment”.

I believe that the life cycle of a gender diverse person is not one where ones true gender changes and eventually becomes categorised as in the “TS Box”. It is rather a journey of understanding where the person learns more about their gender and tries various gender expressions till hopefully they find the role where they are comfortable.

The time in your life when you get put in a box (as a child or as a mature adult) only indicates the degree to which you have (or have not) explored your understanding of gender. I posted elsewhere
http://forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/F434/5329-329
an article that points out the real danger in assuming that a toddler who doesn’t identify as a “boy” must be a “girl”. A case of squeezing the person into one of the two boxes and denying them the opportunity to explore their gender in a meaningful way.

I don’t deny that, as with any spectrum, there will be people whose in-congruence between physical form and inner gender is so great they require treatment as if they have a pathological condition. But this is a true minority of gender diverse people. Squeezing the others into the box, whether at 4 or 44 is something that I hope we can move away from.

Quote:

I’ve been curious about amongst our members is that for those who identify as TS/Gender Dysphoric etc, is that something you have always known since you were a child? For whom was it a clear case of you knew since early in life that your internal gender didn’t match your external one and you either are taking steps to rectify that or would like to but cannot for whatever reason.

If we move away from boxes we can recognise that inner gender not matching physical sex is a characteristic of everyone who is gender diverse. We all to some degree are not 100% male/man (or 100% female/woman for those born as women). I would assert that we all find the need to take steps to resolve the lack of congruence in order to lead complete lives.

I don’t identify as being in a box and certainly not the clinical TS/Gender Dysphoric one – but I have taken steps to align my internal and external gender. So I hope this qualifies me to give an answer (otherwise the whole thing is off topic and I’ll have to ban myself!)

So, to answer the question…I knew something was “different” as a child – because I could also observe my sister was different too. We were happily “different” siblings till we became adolescents at school. I’m glad that no one diagnosed either of us as being Dysphoric – because it wouldn’t have improved our lives – and it would positively have hindered me finding the happiness that I now enjoy.

There is no relative value in “when” you make the significant discoveries in your journey of gender discovery – it only matters that you pursue your journey till you find your true self. No matter “what” that true self is, it is of equal value with any other true self.

But what I think does matter is that you don’t let others diagnose you into a convenient box and tell you who you are. “Identifying as TS/Gender Dysphoric” sounds too much like jumping into a box to me.

[Anonymous]

I can only agree with what Amanda has said there. It is a journey of discovery and when you have discovered that true self , hindsight causes you to draw conclusions about your past. You only know you feel different for most that is all they could say, with the accumulated knowledge you determine what the difference means and what the past ment. The diagnosis is the window through which the world veiws us .

[Anonymous]

I happen to hold the same view as Amanda.

Amanda wrote;

Quote:

But what I think does matter is that you don’t let others diagnose you into a convenient box and tell you who you are. “Identifying as TS/Gender Dysphoric” sounds too much like jumping into a box to me.

Unfortunately it is currently necessary, as I alluded to in my initial reply, to ‘play the game’ with ‘diagnosis by a psychiatrist’ (at least in my case) to gain a letter of recommendation for HRT.

As Krystyana suggested;

Quote:

The diagnosis is the window through which the world veiws us.

I would add…but it doesn’t have to be how we view ourselves.

As it turns out, my life long recognition of being ‘different’ remains my own ‘diagnosis’ & the only one that can be shown to be true.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

The diagnosis is the window through which the world veiws us.

Too true. I also agree with the way your above comment suggests that people find it hard to see the person behind the diagnosis. Medicalising human behaviour (or the “medical gaze” as Michel Foucault referred to it) can have a profoundly dehumanising effect.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

What did i need to know about my self or what could any one tell me any way other than i was / am different in fact from age 10 to now age 65 , no one has ever said i was or not a female yet there were two people Jos & i know one told Jos was not at all surprised nore my other friend.

When it was known to every one i was / am a woman,

Even our G P , Phsych & Endo never said anything they accepted i was / am female , I know i used the meaning as to myself as a woman, ether way made no difference,

This may sound odd to some it had nothing at all to do with what clothes i wore fact is they did not care at all. i could have worn my overalls work boots a sunhat on they saw beyound my look.

& ill say to day if i go to see them they will only see a difference in clothes they wont see any difference in how i look facial wise, so for myself its about the person not how i look. & that for me is where its very different, those who know me from here or the many others will know i dont look like a female or a woman for that matter ,

So ask the ? do i look like a female , no & those who know will say the same,

So our bodys dont allways conform to we all must look like females to be females, this is only about us who are female,

So how did i know what was there that said i was born female of cause not discounting my maleness that is part of who i am & really im at peace with that,

You see its about the whole person not just one aspect so theres part of my difference, Yes its a disadvantage i knew that long before i started to grow as a woman & become one,

I often talk about my wirering as female allso how im programed ,
for myself, with out that i wonder would i have been more male in who i am. could i have thought as a male , that i can never answer because im not a male, Mentaly or Emotionally never was before & unless my internal hormones change ill remain a female / woman.

Melissa,

Heres a ? for you , when you first saw me at the Mercure Hotel when we were at the Seahorse Ball what did you think of me then , what went through your mind how did you see myself & how i greeted you,

I know you may not like to answer this as it puts you in a tight spot so please dont feel you have to answer only if youd like to.

This is not about what i wore this is about myself as a person.

Iv been put in this situistion before, so i know what its like, i dont ask ? ‘s like this unless iv been there,

…noeleena…

[Breana]

Great topic..

As someone who is built like a man, played man sports and spent life in a male dominated environment, I wish for nothing more than to be a woman.

It is just how I feel. Dont know why or what triggers it, it is just me.

When dressed, I feel 75% complete. When I am with men whilst dressed I feel 80% complete.

When I was with women when dressed I was very self conscious and did not feel as though my efforts were rewarded in my presentation.

I just make do with what I am