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How do I know how far is too far for me?
I have been on my journey for 18 months and I am enjoying everything I do even if I am petrified before doing it.
My wiife did not marry the going out Fran, just the stay at home one. She now want to renegotiate our marriage contract to soemthing that is acceptable to both or call it quits. If I agree to something then it may not be far enough along the scale and I may end up searching for more.
The problem is how do I know when the next step is too far along the scale for me? If you only do things that make you comfortable then none of us would be on this site because we would have never put on first piece of clothing or even gone out. I know if it feels wrong don’t do it.
Until you are in the situation where it feels wrong then you think it might feel good. Just like a lot of us think we might want SRS but you won’t know until it is done and then you can’t back out.
Any help in identifying how far is too far?
Fran
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5 Replies
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Hi Fran
For me SRS would be too far, as I am very happy just to be a cross dresser. I am also married to a wife that is trying to understand me I only came out to her three or four months ago. I am trying to get the balance right between the man she married and the girl I’m trying to be. I get to go out and meet up with other girls from TR which my wife doesn’t mind and me that’s all I want.
As my wife mentioned to me recently she said the life of a transgender person can be a very lonely one, if you push away the people who try to understand you and take too many next steps.
Sometimes I think you must look at what you actually have them take stock of your life before you make big life changing decisions. As many girls are told me to remember that my wife didn’t sign up to travel down the long road of transformation. And seeing we are still very good friends I don’t want to lose that ever!
We are all on a journey the destinations are all different and the road of getting their can have many detours, just don’t end up being broken down on the side of that road.
Penny.
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There is much wisdom in Penny’s comments. While my wife knew early on in our relationship of my desire to occasionally cross dress, it has only been this year that I have indicated that I wish to explore cross dressing and socialising more often, to connect with other TG girls (hopefully soon!), and to experience more often public acceptance of my feminine side. This has inherently required a renegotiation, which she has been prepared to do, and also encouraged. Why? She can see some realy positive influences emotionally for me, and celebrates in my happiness. She is happy for me to go out occasionally as a woman, and to socialise with other girls. But there are limits – she wants to have me as a husband and a father, and that will not change. And I want that in our life as well.
In addition, I notice that there are times that she doesn’t want to engage with Louisa. And she doesn’t want me to ask questions like “does this top make my boobs look too big?” or “does my bum look too big in this?”
While she wants me to explore the emotional side of transgenderism and experience of femininity, she doesn’t want to have glib conversations about appearance.
It has only been recently that I stumbled on this limit.
So, it is a journey, and a discovery of what my partner’s limits are, and where am I prepared to go.
And yes, the more I dress, the more I want to dress. But I accept that in a relationship there are compromises, competing priorities, and for me to enjoy everything I have, including the freedom to dress and explore further, as well as have the wonderful love, companionship and support of my partner and my family, I must respect and honour her limits as well.
And together, as we discover new things about each other and ourselves through this journey, our relationship and love grows further.
Full transitioning for me is not envisaged, as I feel I have a good balance of my priorities. To have a loving life’s partner who supports you is a precious thing.
I hope Fran that you can find that place of balance and comfort as well.
x
Louisa -
Penny and Louisa
Your both right and yes you have to know that limit when you see it coming down the track, But some times breaking out the zone of comfort is what can make or break you as a person. But its also logic to see when its time to take a step back and let things be.
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I am not sure just how far the journey will go. I am finding that as Helen becomes more immersed in her extistance, then the physical and psychological feeings become more intense. There is always that little extra step that becomes firstly desireable, and secondly attainable.
This is one of the things I have found about being Helen, when dressed I am now Helen rather than a guy in drag.
I wouldn’t like to say where my journey will end, its all part of the excitement and discovery.
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As a trans person (of whatever flavour) you should be constantly questioning your level of happiness.
Obviously dressing makes you happy.
The question you need to ask is ‘Does it make me happy enough?’
If the answer is ‘no’ then it’s probably a good idea to try taking another step down the path (i.e. hormones).
If the next step doesn’t make you feel any better, then it’s probably not a good idea to continue and to look beyond being trans as the reason for your unhappiness.
If the next step does make you happier, then continue doing it.Of course, you shouldn’t stop questioning your happiness at that point.
If the next step (i.e. hormones) still isn’t quite fulfilling you, then keep taking the next step until you feel satisfied that you are ‘done’.Lastly, this should all be done under the supervision of a counselor or therapist. Having a professional opinion is invaluable with difficult issues such as ‘how far should I go?’
