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How do you achieve a balance?
As a married tgirl who has been dressing since the age of at least five, there have always been turbulent times. The questions have always been more numerous than the answers, but somehow or other i have managed to reach my forties without going completely insane – although it has been touch and go at times. Being told by a gender counsellor ten years ago that i was borderline transexual only added to those, but i made a choice that transitioning was not the way i wanted to go.
My current crisis is one which hopefully some on here could give me some guidance on. I’m married and like my married life. She knows i dress and accepts although doesnt participate, although she doesnt know about Tanya. My problem is that over recent months (and there have been similar spells over the last few years although not as deep), being Tanya is all i can think about or want to be. My home life is suffering, my job is suffering and i can see a time where the stack of cards will come perilously close to toppling. The problem is that i seem to have forgotton, or dont want to balance the two halves of my life without one dominating the other.
Any thoughts or suggestions greatly welcomed
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16 Replies
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I am sure from my own experience and that of others strengthening of the desire to be yourself grows stronger over the years. I am no expert but I would suggest that a decline in testosterone levels as you age is very likely a driver together with the realization most people have , they have been living life for others not for themselves.
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Dear Tanya,
Whilst never in my wildest dreams did I ever want to undergo SRS/transition./live full time female, i can still relate to your predicament, even if it is/was/forever will be on a much smaller scale.
I’m well on the wrong side of 60 now and have been through the full gamut of happily being “macho man”, marriage, kids, career, (been retired now for ten years plus) macho hobbies, (love my fishing) and longing for the touch and feel of feminine fabrics on my body, breast forms attached to my chest, make up, wig, perfume and all other things “femme”.
Most recent night as I get out of the shower and don the “itchy” male fabrics of PJ’s and dressing gown, I can just feeel the soft poly/satin material of my “femme” versions and the weight of my breast forms on my chest. But my beloved does not know about Caty and I dont want her to. So it all ends right there..
If you cant “ride this trail”, (or should that read “trial”), on your own, best thing is to seek professional help. Rest assured I have done so on many occasions in the past and believe me it can be very helpful.
A good counsellor will not only allow you to let off steam in a completely safe and confidential environment, but also will lead you to make some good decisons for your future.
The underline is deliberate, as only you can make the decisions best for yourself and in turn if at all possible, the best decision for those near and dear to you.
Even as I type today… Picture this. My beloved (and second time around partner) has gone Christmas Shopping, it’s a nice cool day and I could have at least three hours of “Caty time” should I chose to do so. But right now I’m having such a debate within myself about “yes” or ‘no”, that I think I’ll simply give up and stay in “drab” mode in the painting jeans and windcheater.
Sound familiar????
Good luck with it all.
Caty Ryan.
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Hi Tanya
Firstly you are not alone ! many of us myself included have experienced this it’s very normal, if you go through some of my older posts you will see I have touched on this subject myself. A good councilor will be of great assistance go see a gp, preferably one with experience in gid ts tg ect. the nsw gender center can help with this and im sure other states have similar your chosen gp should be able to refer you to a reputable councilor that suits your needs just a good talk can do wonders. Myself personally hrt was my preferred option and it has eased my gid to a manageable level but this is just me I don’t recommend this as the only option!! I have read just Spirolactone can ease gid somewhat it alone has minimal feminising effects or low dose estrogen has shown positive results for some ,but I must stress I am not a medical professional ,so seeing a gp is strongly recommended. just to add there are no real answers to the questions you ask youself and you will do your head in over thinking, believe me you just have to accept this is who you are you are not alone and self acceptance is a good first step.
hope this helps Scylla xxx -
How do you achieve a balance?
A surprisingly large number of us don’t – well that is what I observe.
Often we don’t start out our gender exploration in a very balanced way.
Our initial behaviour has often been compared to a kid in a sweet shop, but in our case it is as if we haven’t seen a sweet before in our life. For many of us exploring our gender has been off the radar and when the flood gates are opened we launch into engaging the feminine side of our personality with vigour.
The more restricted the opportunities to “dress” are the harder it is to approach it with restraint. The feelings when we are free to explore are overwhelming, as is are the withdrawal symptoms when we stop.
Hardly a recipe for a balanced lifestyle!
It’s like we have two personalities, one who has all the fun, and the other that has to deal with the fallout on domestic, work and family life.
Much of the angst we go through seems to derive from the need to reconcile the two lives. Some people seem to happily resolve the conflict by containing and constraining their gender expression – blossoming at an annual Ball or at a secret monthly social. Others, sometimes considering that society owes them after such a long period of restraint, test the acceptance and tolerance of family and friends by presenting their true gender come what may.
Neither choice is an obviously balanced behaviour.
I have the good fortune to have accumulated some good friends over the years who are visibly balanced in their life choices.
Looking at what is common between us, I think I can safely say that you won’t hear us saying:
“You need to live your life for yourself not others”
“Don’t compromise! Be true to your inner self”
“If you don’t accept me for who I am then you have no part in my life”So my answer, to achieve a balance you have to work beyond being in a sweet shop, and choose life choices that address the needs and feelings of others as well as your own.
If it was easy, we would be a very happy community!
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There are as many varying views on the issue of achieving balance in the life of a transgender person as there are transgender people. We are all different with differing points of view. One thing we seem to have in common is the constant battle between living a ‘normal standard life’ and the life of a transgendered person. It’s the constant struggle between the two conflicting lives that frequently manifest into inner anger resulting into endogenous depression, and sometimes bipolar disorders; nothing is easy.
One thing is definate without exception, there is no escaping that inner turmoil. Much of this subject for discussion has been said over the years in the existance of TgR, however life is a continuing learning process so there is always something to add that results from those experiences. Enjoying the fruits of constant happy companionship in marriage and family is a God given sanctity that is well worth preserving. Ditching that sanctity to achieve as what Amanda said ‘living your life as your true self’ is one thing but a hard act to follow. The cookie jar analogy is a good one but a very simple analogy. We are human with all the human fobiles, mountains of weaknesses and distractions.
If you are lucky, very lucky from some perspectives you will have a wife who not only accepts your transgender side but actively participates in that lifestyle. Such acceptance is a rarity indeed, in reality it is all but non existant. Put yourself in the shoes of you wife, how would you feel and react? Would you accept your wife if she suddenly presented as a male, taking testosterone and considered having topside surgery?From my long life experiences in the transgender community let me assure you that successful marriages are indeed a rarity. Most marriages end in divorce, not only do you lose your wife but also your children and in time your grandchildren; let me assure you, it’s painful, I know.
I suggest you come clean to your wife, totally clean, hope for the best and be prepared for a great deal of compromise. Before you can expect your wife and any extended family to accept your feminine side you must accept yourself, that is paramount.Let’s hope we will see you at the Transformal in Katoomba in 2014, with your wife, it maybe a learning experience for both of you.
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This all sounds so familiar. I managed to keep my two sides in some sort of balance for 50yrs with the occasional breakout. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say I kept the lid on my feelings. Then came the point when I was retired, the last of my children married and my parents deceased. Essentially the brakes were off. My newly released enthusiasm was fuelled by the educational effect of a TG web site (not this one) and now I am gloriously and happily unbalanced, on hrt and heading in my 60s towards transition. You seek a balance that suits your personal circumstances and stage of life. There is definitely no one-size fits all solution. To myself I am not unbalanced but the outside observer might see things differently.
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I tend to think that when a balance is reached and established, then because we are human and are always striving for a little extra we create an imbalance and then try to re-establish the balance. Herzberg with his satisfiers and dis-satisfiers theory tends to explain this. I started out dreaming of wearing Pantihose, then wore them and from there via a tortuous route now spend a lot of my time as Helen and have started to move towards the process of feminisation. This will entail visits to GPs and no doubt counsellors, I have no qualms in heading down this path way because that is where to achieve balance again I need to go.
If I have rambled on I apologise, but that is how I feel.
Helen
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Achieving a balance for me over the years has always been a monumental struggle, my need to remove myself from the drudgery of my male life has at times led me into awkward situations, …never actually having been ‘sprung’ but causing my heart to race and a massive adrenalin surge that could well have caused dangerous health situations.
When my kids were little I took every available opportunity to avoid attending school functions, netball and tennis that my girls were involved in and I would shun socialising with friends as much as I could.
This is not to say that I completely stayed out of my daughters’ upbringing, but I know that my ‘hobby’ caused me to miss many golden moments in their lives and to state now that I regret my actions during their formative years is an understatement.
This ‘thing’ has caused me to become very reclusive, secretive and isolated as I have aged, where I have become happiest on my own, enjoying my own company, indulging in my passion but also living in a fantasy world much of the time.My gender dysphoria and intense need to become another person escaping from my male world has played havoc with my working life, causing a severe lack of ambition and ignoring many opportunities to advance my career, although I have always been an extremely capable worker. I have spent so many endless hours becoming ‘the real me’ that my obligations to employment have always been secondary and I have shirked my duty on numerous occasions.
However, I knew what I was doing at the time was my own version of therapy, …if I had not taken ‘time out’ I would have most likely have become very depressed, angry, aggressive and unable to covey to my loved ones my reasons for my dark moods, much less understanding why myself.
Nowadays, being an ’empty nester’, my need to allow my alter ego to blossom has become all consuming, to the point where my marriage is over, I am turning my back on my home of 28 years, my financial situation is taking a massive hit and I’m probably losing the friendship of quite a few people from my life. Not to mention giving up on some male pursuits that have, at times, brought me great pleasure and satisfaction.
So now I have a few good years left to live my life as I should have done so long ago, to actually enjoy myself and become the person I knew I was always meant to be, I know that being able to live as I want and not having to fit into mistaken gender ‘norms’ will be the greatest opportunity to turn my life around and start to enjoy myself.
Here’s hoping, anyway. -
Ladies
Let me start by saying thank you very much your insightful and heartfelt responses. Each and every one of you has summed up many of the thoughts, ambitions and fears that have been plaguing my mind in recent months. I know as a community, either online or face to face, we are not alone, but at times it feels that way. Your responses make me realise help/advice is only a keystroke away. I knew this had peaked when i had my makeover last week and burst into tears. Over the years i have become emotionally quite cold and retracted, so such an outpouring over Danielle’s work was a bit of a shock to the system.
I have considered the councelling option as this helped me so much ten years ago. I attended the Porterbrook clinic for the best part of a year when i lived in the UK and my councellor Karen helped me deal with so much. Sure it created more dilemmas along the way as she helped me delve into the depth of my feelings and thoughts, but i came away in such a better place. I would probably still be seeing her if i hadnt moved back to Aus.
With regards coming clean to my wife, well there is definately more i can tell her but the whole thing would be too much. My brother recently came out and is now very active on the TG scene overseas. She keeps telling me its too much and that i shouldnt go that way. I think she is concerned as i have been dressing since a small child and he only started in his 20’s. I think she detects there is something really quite deep with me but is scared to death what uncovering it might lead to. Its one of those things i need to monitor and guage when the time is right. Unfortunately, my timing has always been lousy as have my explanations.
Jannine, what can i say. So much of your response resonated and made me hold my breath because much of it is where i am right now. I hope it all works out for you and you blossom. Would love to know how things pan out.
One final thing Karen said to me during our last session which stayed with me. She said “Perhaps you are a person who will never be satisfied and will always need something more.” She meant it in a caring and guiding way, but its such a true observation. Any steps i take will seemingly always never be enough, but surely there becomes a point where you are happy with your lot in life.
Tanya. xx
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Hi tanya,, very relevant topic, and yes it is a dilemma ,
For me once I had told my wife, it was from her acceptance that I feel that but she will shop with me and talk about clothes etc but does not really like to see me dressed for a long period of time,,
I initially dressed every day for a few weeks I think ,, I just could not believe in what was happening
Then over time I slowed down so now 3 years later I dress whenever I want and it seems to be every 3 or 4 days
I am happy with that, and will try to go out to an dressed events next year
I told her I went and say a psych ,,, a lady and she was great,,, told me I wasn’t mad, good that I told my wife,,, don’t put her in a embarrassing situation,,,
So that’s my take on the balance
Cheers
Fiona
Hope it helps,u are not alone -
Perhaps taking the time to stop and refocus on your life, work and marriage may help. Focus on the genderless things, being good at your work is unrelated to your gender (usually) and having a good relationship with someone, i.e. your wife, isn’t gender based for most people.
If you are seriously having trouble then perhaps you should consider talking to your wife about it. You can bet your bottom dollar that unless she is truly self obsessed then she has probably already noticed some things seem “not right” and is wondering what is wrong. You could try approaching her in exactly the same way you have started this thread. Assure her that you love her but that you are having trouble balancing your male and female side. Assure her this is not her “fault” but that you hope that maybe she could provide a different approach / perspective that may help you. At the least such an approach demonstrates that you care about her and her opinions and wish to include her, at best maybe it could lead to a deeper exploration on what this means for your relationship together and how you can make it work.
Best wishes
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I have been a closet CD ever since I can remember , But I did wear certain articles of fem cloths right thru the marriage , I had a million excuses why I wore these items, but my wife always accepted it,
But a year ago , while getting theropy for depression it came to light that I needed to be happy with myself, then relised I needed more than 2 articles of cloths I felt like I needed to be a woman , at least for a while ,
Is was hard to accept for my wife as it was for me , the key was communication first , so both partners know what each other needs ,
Once thats established , and your partner knows its not a life choice for you but a must for you to be happy , then a balance is required that both partners agree on ,
I would advise profesional help if your partner is non acceptingIf your not prepared to sacrifice some, you time for her, then dont expect her to allow you to run riot X dressing,
Just remember if you reach a balance you can probably have both , your wife and your Life,
Remember if you imagine your a girl when in your Drab work cloths , and wear some nice fem undergarments, then you can be Fem 100 % of the time, While still providing The husband your Wife needs
If you need more than that your Marriage is more than likely over, sooner or latter
I Also think its sooo important to have a good councilor or friend That can keep you from going over the top, its easy to do , and a good base of friends that you can chat with is a must, Friends that are not just trying to make you be fem all the time either , You need solid friends that have been thru that stage , understand it , and can give you a kick in the backside if required to help keep the balance , and not let your Fem side run rampant thru your lively hood ,
Speaking from experience , Mellisa
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After I told my wife following a stressful time when I was considering separation because of my increasing need to dress I have more or less compromised. I only dress fully when she is not home. But I do wear women’s underwear under my drab almost all the time. I wear a night dress that is almost unisex and ladies shorts that are; both when she is there.
The compromise is that she does not want a separation and that this would really be very hard on her at our late ages. From my perspective, after 39 years of marriage now I would prefer to be with her. Let’s face it we married after only knowing each other for less than 6 months and we still enjoy being married and are comfortable with each other.
So I have a wardrobe of clothes, and drawers of lingerie which she ignores and which I try not to be too up front about.
Are we both happy? Yes mostly. Is it ideal for both of us? No, but it is a compromise that we must accept if we are to carry on together.
My balance is that I type this in panties and a camisole and size 14 shorts with a man’s t shirt and I feel comfortable and know I am femme underneath it all. This allows me to be who I want to be some of the time although it is not the ideal it is a balance.
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Balance is going to be something that is specific to you. Do you want balance between your female and male sides for yourself? Or do you want balance that will preserve your marriage? Everyone is going to find their balancing point in differing amounts of him and her time.
For me my gender is very fluid, my fiance and I will often talk about a scale of 1 to 10 to define where I am currently at on the gender specturm, with 10 being completely female and 5 being somewhat androgynous and you can guess what 1 represents. That comes in really useful for me to communicate where I am at, because it is never set in stone. Thank God that my fiance is accepting and participates in what I do but even then i can’t spend every waking moment possible en femme.
Sometimes our relationship just needs to be about the two of us instead of the three of us.
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I suppose each and everyone in the TG community finds their own balance in their own way. In a relationship the balance has to include the other partner and what they will accept and of course what they are unwilling to accept; there are bounderies to observe. I’ve have been struggling with the balancing act for nigh on 40 years and I still am on a learning curve. It’s a daily tightrope walk, frequently walking on eggs endeavouring to keep the peace whilst maintaining one’s sanity.
Trying to judge what mood ‘her indoors’ is experiencing and how she is likely to react to any given situation, eg. standing upright and in full view wearing one’s favourite lingerie. Such a presentation would likely exact a instant and heated reaction, or would it?
I struggle to find a true balance in life and it’s not easy. A partner has a right to expect his or her sanity to be maintained. I have often considered throwing in the towel, seperating and travelling my own individual course through life, but then I think of ‘her indoors’ as my lifelong and loving partner whose needs must be considered at all times. The necessary balance in my troubled life is my responsibility and mine alone.
The balance I am refering to is based around my wife and family only; I do not have to find balance elsewhere, if they, ie friends etc are unhappy with my TG ways then they are no longer friends and are free to go their seperate ways.
