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I’m left handed
Guys,
Reckon this analogy has been done before, however this is my story…
From the earliest you were told you were right handed, you looked righted handed, everything about you just said right handed. Only you knew you weren’t. On the very few rare occasions you were alone you ‘borrowed’ the pen of a left handed sibling, scribbled a few lines but only ended up more confused. Who could you talk to? These feelings are wrong aren’t they? This can’t be right, or is it? You don’t know if this is normal, but you’re too scared, to embarrassed, too confused to ask.
So you decide, if you’re supposed to be right handed then right handed you’ll be. Through school it becomes easy to live the pretence that you are just another normal right hander. Any thoughts otherwise are easily suppressed. You soon start to forget about the strange childhood thoughts, subconsciously burying them deeper and deeper.
You live a normal right handed life, a successful right handed life. You achieve all you wanted, met all the goals you set yourself. Your life was really focused towards the more right handed pursuits, you boxed, played rugby, rode motorbikes, joined the army… lived the adventure to the full. You did a lot of the things most right handers could only dream of.
By forty you’re married, good job, house, kids, dogs, you’re happy… Not even the inkling remained of those early confusions. Then….
It’s difficult to ascertain the when it really started but those strange thoughts started to return. At first it was easy just to dismiss them, you’re right handed, not left handed….
But the nagging, gnawing, pervasive ‘urge’ grows stronger… Eventually, in a moment of weakness you give in, you buy a left handed pen, scribble a few sentences. Overwhelmed by shame and embarrassment you throw the pen away, vowing never to do that again. But the feelings don’t go away. Your now conscious requirement to suppress them is nowhere near as strong as your subconscious abilities were. Fighting it was having a detrimental effect on your health, your relationships and your family. You became grumpy and moody. Your temper was held on a hair trigger and would fire for the most insignificant of stimulus. You become difficult to live with. You knew what the cure was but you were resigned never to succumb.
Years pass, you’ve put on weight, you drink too much, you live mostly sad and depressed in a house where your family are actually starting to get scared of you, worried about your aggressive temper. Oh right, you only directed it at inanimate objects, punching walls, smashing bottles, throwing furniture but that was a poor and unacceptable excuse. The mix of conflict in your head is almost painful. You go through bouts of buying left handed pens, writing left handed, enjoying that feeling of it just being so right before again feeling the shame and embarrassment and throwing them away.
Soon you end up with a small supply of pens you don’t want to get rid of. Alone and in private you enjoy writing left handed. It becomes your little secret. No one will ever know, no one will ever even suspect. You turn to the Internet. Now you can finally talk to others. You knew they existed, but previously never had the chance to talk to another sole who felt as you did. Starting anonymously on a few forums to soak up the stories and experiences of others. You realise that you’re just like so many; your story is nothing new.
You set yourself barriers, never to reveal yourself, never write left handed in public, never take a picture, never post a picture, never tell anyone and so many more. Slowly and surely each one is eroded away. You tell your wife with the predictable reaction… Confusion, disbelief, shame… You’re bombarded with questions you cannot answer. Your marriage tetters on the precipice.
You find help online and slowly you save your relationship. She’s is happy with the calm that descends when you get the opportunity to practice your left handed skills. She even starts to buy the occasional new pen for you. So now you think this is a level you can maintain. This is where you can happily stay. Wrong…
The urge for more is all consuming. Again you try to fight, try to deny, try to suppress without success. Depression ensues. Thoughts turn dark, ‘the easy way out!’ A few shocking incidents cause you to seek help…
A good doctor and an expert psychiatrist do their job but the diagnosis is not what you wanted. You are left handed! What to do? Return to the hiding, secretive, denial, suppression with the permanent fear that you might just succumb to those dark thoughts. You talk to your wife, you talk to your fellow suffering friends and you decide that perhaps there really is only one path. You take those first tentative steps.
Soon everyone knows. You’ve told your employer, your friends, colleagues and your social groups. You have a nice collection of pens and write regularly out with others in public. The doctor has you on medication which not only calms the anxiety in your head it’s slowly weaning you of right handedness heading towards left handedness.
There are a few hurdles in your way. Those born left handed are occasionally cruel to you. Whether though ignorance or intolerance the hurt is the same. The don’t approve of your choice of pen, criticise your writing style, want to deny access to areas restricted to left handed people only. But these are minor problems. Your family life is once again harmonious. You’re happy again and people can live around you without the worry of unreasonable outbursts. You’ve lost that weight, eating better, exercising and feeling good.
You have a great group of friends with whom you can go out with and do go out with regularly to be the left handed person you know you truly are…The future is looking rosy again, although it is a future of left handedness…
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3 Replies
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Well written DG…..
Oh dear, as you and I know, I have to take the rap as one of the obviously many other “left handers”, who helped you out at a previous “Left Handed Seahorse” event.
Great to see you come through it all with everything in your life that you value intact.
All the best
Caty
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Get thee behind me Satan! Back to the pit! Back, beast!
😆
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I did enjoy this analogy very much. It’s obvious you have spent some time trying to put your thoughts and journey into words. I’m glad life is working out for you and that you have crossed many barriers relatively unscathed. I took the time to view your profile and you appear relaxed and very much at ease. Some never get that far or feel that way.
Your story took me back to my childhood and my mother being left handed. She once told me she was forced to write right handed when she was a child at school. Punishment was being hit constantly on the offending hand until she obeyed.
Strange how things have changed. That behavior would never be tolerated in schools anymore as it’s barbaric.
My only comment would be, penmanship, regardless of the predominant hand is only the extension of the mind and the wonderful thoughts that lie within. I think the world is a better place since you shared your story.
