I’m O.K. your O.K. (equivoque)

[Anonymous]

Define stealth Chloe?

I don’t deny or hide my past. I don’t shout out my TG status either.

People accept me for who I am. It does not bother me if they suspect my “history” or even question me about it. I am quite happy to explain to those who are curious. It’s only a few who ask.

There are many in my work and social world who knew me prior. I am sure that some will let the new people that come into my world know I have not always been a woman. I know of only a few who have any “issues” with my status and they have no place in my world.

I am a person first and foremost. I am friend, relative and associate. I am open and communicative. I am friendly, helpful and non-judgemental (I hope).

I am a woman with a past different to most.

Am I stealth? I like to think not. But am I openly trans? I don’t hide or shy away from those who ask. But I do demostrate enough of those attributes associated with persons who were born female for only an enlightened few to suspect that I may not have always been this way.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think that I am in stealth mode a lot of the time, but then I look in the mirror.

I don’t openly tell people that I work with that I am Gender Diverse, but I go to work everyday with big sparkly earrings (in two ears), my hair dyed a very intense shade of red at the moment and always a splash of very feminine cologne. Does this mean I’m in stealth mode, probably not.

I was asked about my earrings one night at a warehouse in Melbourne, why did I have two? I told the asker that I had recently bought a gorgeous cocktail dress and needed to accessorise it properly. He went off still not sure why and definitely not sure whether he should laugh or not.

So I suppose that even though I don’t openly tell people close to me, although I do tell shop assistants when looking for something nice to wear, that I am partly in stealth and partly openly gender diverse.

Does this make sense??

[Adrian]

Quote:

Does anybody else present as a transgendered person, as oppossed to going stealth?

I’ll share some thoughts about the question – and also acknowledge that “equivoque” is my “word of the week”.

First I’d like to approach the question from a more general perspective.

[ul]Human societies do tend adopt language that reflects their specific needs and priorities. I don’t want to dive into the somewhat controversial area of discussing if “Language Equals Thought” but rather want to point out the words we ourselves use to describe our presentation in society.

A look through these forums shows the words we commonly use include “Stealth”, “Full time”, “Transition” and the ever present “Pass/passing”. These terms are mostly used to describe a presentation as an indistinguishable genetic woman (or man).

I ruffled a few feathers a while back by pointing out that I thought it was legitimate to transition to any presentation that reflected your gender identity. I still feel that using these terms to imply only a journey for a male to present indistinguishably as a woman was restrictive, discriminatory (and frequently impossible). So I find it refreshing to see Chloe challenging us by broadening the use of the word “pass” to describe any situation where others perception of gender matches our gender identity.

The language most of us are using points to us living a “dream” of flipping indistinguishably from one sex to the other. I suspect that most of the community consider that there are only two viable forms of presentation in society, a masculine male or a feminine woman – though perhaps this dichotomy is rapidly eroding in the younger generations.

For many of us, presenting in the form dictated by our born sex is discordant to a greater or lesser degree with our gender identity. So we dream of being able to switch to the other form and be accepted. On that basis, I suspect that few of us currently deliberately present as a transgendered person. [/ul]

Which brings me to the actual question – do I present as transgendered?

[ul]My first experience of “presenting” to anyone (as opposed to hiding when out in public) was when I joined a crossdressing support group. I found myself meeting with many people who saw no need to convince anyone they were anything other than male. They may have had the “dream” of being women, but as “men in skirts for fun” they didn’t have the baggage of “passing”. It was a very comfortable environment for anyone who was not compelled, or was not able, to seek a more frequent or more feminine presentation.

After a few years I realised that I needed to build a better bridge between my gender identity and the way I presented. I stood by the departure gate watching many people leave on a journey to become “women”. But I also saw the physical and psychological trials that they subjected themselves to to achieve the dream. It was clear that “presenting as a woman” was a lot closer to the way I felt inside but I was not prepared to destroy so much of my life in the quest to get there. So I stayed in the departure lounge, watched, waited and observed.

That was when I started to see that language we use and the dreams we as a community hold are artificially imposed constraints. The reality of the society we live in has changed, and even if they were true in the past, the language of our “dream” is now just an artificially restrictive straight jacket on our presentation. Femininity in males (and masculinity in women) is not a big issue in the society we now live in.

And so I moved on…I found that hair colour is a great talking point, nail varnish isn’t noticed in a men’s changing room, and body shape isn’t the big thing we used to make it out to be.
[/ul]

What a ramble! Do I have an answer?

I don’t specifically or deliberately present to the public as Transgender – I just present as I feel I am.
If asked I just tell people I’m a very feminine male – generally they just smile!

[Anonymous]

Firstly, thank you for the considered & honest replies so far.

Portia, you asked me to;

Quote:

Define stealth Chloe?

This is just my understanding, it may be different to others.

Prior to entering the world of the gender diverse, I associated stealth with hidden/secretive warfare e.g. stealth bombers…undetectable.
Probably due to that understanding, I think of stealth in the Tg realm as deliberately & consciously hiding or denying (publicly) ones past or origins.
At this point let me be clear that my use of the word stealth was only to make a contrast against being ‘seen’ as a publicly gender diverse person. It is not my intention to question the validity of a persons choices.

My motivation in this post was to indicate that I have had no issue with displaying myself as a gendered option that is not usually expected, both within the Tg realm & also in society.
I am not making judgements but rather offering feedback of my own experience on alternatives to either ‘passing’ or ‘stealth’.

I should display my hand though & say that I am concerned that the main options I read about are stealth, stay home or if you do spend time in the public realm then don’t disclose who you are the rest of the time.
Again, I reiterate that I am not judging others nor am I making a recommendation. All I hope to do with my posts of this type, is to indicate to anyone else who may want to express their diversity of gender publicly, that there is an alternative to stealth or stay home.
I’m no pioneer with this view but it seems that as gender variant people ‘move on’ & reintegrate into society in their chosen gender role/expression, that they tend not to participate in forums as much. As a consequence, much of what I read (this is not forum specific) is written by people trying to find their way, it seems without the benefit of hearing from those who are for whatever reason successful in their transition to live as they feel.

With my understanding of stealth in mind, I don’t perceive the three of you as living stealth, (not that my opinion is of any relevance what-so-ever).

I also would like to point out that I am not suggesting that anyone should (just because I do) stand on a soap box. I use myself as ‘object as subject’ to;

1. indicate to society one example of a transgendered person.
2. indicate to other Tg people who may be hesitant, that society is not necessarily going to treat us badly.

Thankfully, the experiences of others expressed above indicate the same.

AA, you really captured the essence of what I am on about when you wrote;

Quote:

So I find it refreshing to see Chloe challenging us by broadening the use of the word “pass” to describe any situation where others perception of gender matches our gender identity.

I am worried about the toll it can take on some individuals to try to ‘pass’ as if they were natal females. I would ask, which natal female do you intend to pass as – the ‘girly girl’, the ‘tom boy’ or any other display that is possible. I’m yet to find the perfect example of a woman without it being a fantasy. My preference is to try to live as my gendered self without it (necessarily) conforming to someone else’s view of what a woman should be.

Almost without exception, the natal females that I speak to about gender, ask something like; “so which type of woman do you want to be (or believe you are)”?
They are inferring that there is no such thing as the ‘right’ way to be a woman…surely they would know. I find natal woman to have the least difficulty with my gender display…they already understand that society places expectations on them to be & act a certain way, they get it. (Of course some men do too).

[Anonymous]

We walk into a room. The eyes of the people look us over . What they see I’d suggest is an image, that image is in the mind labeled and if all of the attached expectations of the image are fulfilled , manorisms , voice, etc then there is no question that the image is correctly identified. If there is a mix of qualities then there will be questions in the minds of those looking.

If there’s no questions how does the term stealth even enter into it , I know for example some folk who are successful in presenting their self image of a woman and have no interest in undoing that. Why should they? If you are a woman and want to live as one in society and as a transgender woman you seamlessly reintegrate into society it is surely your right to do so without any obligation to anyone.

For those who don’t it is I feel a little unfair to label those that can as some how being stealthy. I would say of course if there were a stonger community bond the reality is they would likely want to keep it and therefore would continue their activities in the community.

It is in respect to each individual though important to know yourself and to know what you are trying to say about yourself. I do know of some who don’t seem to have that and they spend their time challenging people that notice their incongruity. The kind of behaviour that puts us all in a bad light. Am going a bit off track I think so best stop.

[Anonymous]

Sorry Chloe. My question about defining stealth was rhetorical, not an actual question. In the rest of my response, I was exploring the definition of stealth as it applies to me. Or not?

In the beginning, I was “a cock in a frock” or “man in a dress” so to speak. I learned to hold my head up high and take on anyone who questioned me. I was very much out in the open whether I wanted to be or not. But, I was happy as I was doing what I needed to do and no longer hiding away in fear that someone may discover my little secret.

In the ensuing months I learned to “pass” better to the point where I was just accepted. Or am I? I always feel like everyone knows whether they do or they don’t. Proudly trans?

As Amanda-Adrian says, I learned to build the bridge between my gender identity and how I presented. I endured the trials, one of the biggies was how the world perceived me. I had the dream to be accepted “as a woman”, not to be in denial that I had lived the better part of 50 years as a man. During my years of living as a male, as my female identity became harder to hide, I would define myself as a man who was not afraid to explore my “feminine” side to those who asked.

So, do I present as a transgendered person or am I stealth? If people ask me questions in conversation about my past and they do not give me any indications that they have “twigged”, I will be ambiguous with any gender markers in my contributions. Stealth? If I think they are open to the possiblity that I may not have always been female, then I may bring up the subject and see where it leads – “outing” myself.

Hence I do not define what I present myself as either “stealth” or “transgender”. I just “am”. Which, strangely enough, is the sort of response most cisgendered people identify with.

[Anonymous]

I might have missed the point here as I always thought being in stealth mode was like, wearing women’s clothes that look masculine enough to pass as men’s clothes at a glance from passers by.

Oh and Portia was that a Cock in a Frock on a Rock or just in a Frock