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Letter to my brother
Though my process of transition is no secret, there are still some who only have second hand information, my brother is one such person. We have not been close for quite some years now but we are not enemies either, we are however estranged, yet only 30 minutes separates us.
Today I have ‘formally’ notified my brother of my transition, I thought it may be of interest to somebody out there.It should be noted that the tone of my letter is suited to my brother & will be understood by him. If he is so inclined he is very capable of researching for further understanding… our background studies are not dissimilar.
My email:
Hi (brother) ,
my primary motivation in writing is to wish you a happy birthday. If my calculations are correct you will be (age).
It’s not my intention to hijack this birthday wish… it is sincere. Co-incidentally, your birthday (almost) coincides with an anniversary of my own, so I will take this opportunity to advise you of some changes in my life.I understand that mum has advised you of my decision to change my gender. It’s not my intention to burden you with this information but feel it appropriate to advise you of some rather dramatic changes in my life & as a consequence, both directly & indirectly the lives of those who have known me all of my (or their) life. Quite obviously that includes you. I recognise that we have a strained relationship but hope that you will accept my best intentions in offering this information to you.
It is no revelation to most who know me that I am ‘different’. I have lived my entire life with the discomfort of knowing that I am ‘different’ to the very vast majority of people I meet. My entire life has been one of knowing I just didn’t fit but without a satisfactory explanation of why. As you know, I have been a ‘searcher’, endlessly looking for meaning… trying to understand where I fit… to no avail.
Approximately 18 months ago I came to understand that I am transgendered. By the end of February 2012 I had started to transition my gender. Apart from Mother’s day (the last time I saw you all), late July 2012 was the first time I stepped out in public as Chloe & since that day I have not returned to the expression of Craig, as you all knew me. Of course I’m the same person but now without the discomfort of wondering what is ‘wrong’ with me.
I now know there is nothing wrong with me. My understanding & experience of my gender is different to many but certainly not all…I am transgendered & I am not alone in that understanding. In basic terms this simply means that I understand myself more in the way that people expect of genetic females. I’m sure this will be of little surprise to you. With this knowledge you may now have a slightly better understanding of my depression & anxiety, along with my non conforming presentation & behaviour, especially my emotions & responses to being identified as ‘eccentric’ along with other descriptions given to me.
I know that you, along with some others have wondered if I am gay but with no (real) evidence to support the thought. You are not alone, I had wondered the same for 33 years but like everyone else, with no evidence to support the thought. Due to a lack of knowledge, as a consequence of the insufficient information our society has to offer us, the only explanation I had for my ‘different’ status was an understanding based on sexuality. It caused me great confusion until I came to understand that my gender is not my sexuality, nor is it my sex, i.e. male/female. As you know, I have friends who identify as homosexual, I have no doubt you do too. That is a reality of their lives, just as being transgendered is a reality of mine.
What this means for me is that I am now presenting myself the way that I feel. I live my life essentially the same way I did before but presenting as a woman. I no longer hide or mask my somewhat feminine body language (I’ve tried to hide it since adolescence). As you know, I’ve always been openly emotional & that is no different but now I don’t feel the need to explain or excuse it. As mum has told you, I now present unambiguously as a woman in my clothing choices, hair style & adornments. What may be more confronting for some of you though, is my intention to undergo HRT (hormone replacement therapy) to bring (most of) my body in line with my gender. It is also likely that I will undergo FFS (facial feminisation surgery) but probably not for another couple of years.
I am under no illusion that some people will reject me based on my revelation. I also understand that some may not wish to reject me but simply don’t know how to deal with this information. Should that be the case I have access to a vast amount of information about transgender & associated topics, should anyone want it. To date, only one person who already knew me has openly rejected me.
I would like you to know that transgender identification is not a mental illness, any more than being homosexual or left handed is… it is a reality of human variation. Unfortunately some people don’t understand or accept this & as a consequence (probably unintentionally) cause a great deal of unnecessary sorrow & suffering for transgendered people.
As we are already estranged, I don’t have any particular expectation from my revelation. I also have great empathy for your situation with (family member) & their circumstances… I endeavour to stay informed about (family member) & the consequences for all of you via mum. With your circumstances in mind I have remained disconnected as I do not wish to cause you any further disruption or difficulty. I am however very happy to be in contact should that be a mutual desire.
I respect the right of all to think, feel & believe as they see fit. I do not expect anyone to understand or accept me but of course it will always be welcomed.
I have included some photos of me now & hope they are not too confronting for you.I hold no obligation over you to respond but would ask that you send a read receipt so that I know you have received this email.
Chloe -
12 Replies
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Hi Chloe,
What the hell does one say in instances like this?
A damn good letter, caring, explanatory without the sickly sweet mush, expecting nothing in return except a hope of some understanding and possible acceptance.
Hope all goes and is going well,Liz
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Hi Chloe
I hope that your brother understands that you are trying to reach out to him and, at the very least, open some communication. Not knowing of the circumstances of your estrangement, it would be interesting to have been a “fly on the wall” as he read it.
I wish you all the best for a positive result.
While this is not allowed to be a personal message in a forum, I would like to add my experience’s about advising family members.
How to tell family members is a decision we can agonise over for a long time. Firstly we need to be certain of what we want to convey. If we are unsure of ourselves, how do we get the right support from our families. Unless you are comfortable enough with them to discuss anything at all.
I found face-to-face to be the most appropriate way to get family (or even friends) on side. I did try writing letters (before emails existed LOL) without much success. Even those family members who you do not feel close to, a letter can serve to put even more distance between you. If you feel a letter can be the best way to “not stuff up” what you are trying to convey, it could be better to deliver it in person, explain that the letter is to tell them something very important to you but that you find it difficult to say. And then wait quietly to one side or in another room. Then you haven’t lost the personal touch and will be on hand for the response and to answer any questions.
Who knows, it may even bring you a bit closer. And if it goes “all pear shaped”, at least you won’t be waiting on a reply email or letter.
Everyones methods and experiences are individual.
Huggs
Portia
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Thanks Liz & Portia.
Portia, I think your advice is very sound.
As you’ve mentioned, each of us have different circumstances. In this particular case my brother & I have not seen each other for many years, one of those sibling issues that some of us experience.
Knowing my brother as well as I do – having worked together for a number of years & also seeing each other socially on a weekly basis for many years until our parting of ways, I can confidently say that I know him that well that I have absolutely no idea of what to expect.You hit the nail on the head when you wrote about ‘reaching out to him & opening some communication’. I would be very surprised if he truly had a problem with my revelation. Our upbringing was bohemian to say the least, at the same time we were taught to accept all, be helpful, be honest to ourselves & others…a mix of conservative old fashioned ‘rules’ melded with new age hippiedom. I was able to be quite detached in the email because it matters more that I am able to have a relationship with my brother again, than whether or not he accepts or understands transgenderism. I don’t expect people to support or agree with me, I’d prefer they respected me.
Because we don’t see each other, an email was the obvious choice & knowing my brother, it would likely be his preference. It was the way I could be most respectful of his circumstances.In contrast though, I have told everybody else in person. I’m quite an animated person so my preference is face to face, if there is to be a problem I like the opportunity to deal with it immediately.
In my particular case, before I told anybody, I was prepared to lose everybody. I would guess that is not the situation for most people though & unless you are confident you can survive that way, then I recommend a more conservative approach.
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Well, 3 days have now passed with no response from my brother. I’ll wait until next week before I draw any conclusion but I’m not expecting much.
In the letter I referred to being called ‘eccentric’, a term that my brother commonly used against me as adults. Apart from the aggressive & dismissive way my brother has treated immediate family members, he also raised his children with them believing my name was eccentric uncle Craig. These are the reasons we are estranged, nothing to do with gender. I’m guessing that gender may possibly become the justification for him continuing to refer to me as eccentric though – see I told you so mentality.
If I don’t hear from him it will be sad & unfortunate (& yes I’m hurt) but the ball is in his court, I can only turn the other cheek so many times.
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My heart goes out to you Chloe. You are a very strong willed woman that no matter what happens you always have friends for support and i would like to think i am. I will only say this if your brother stills stay silent and wont move to mend then its his loss of missing out on the friendship love that you can give.
lots of hugs and kisses Peta xxxxx
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Quote:In the letter I referred to being called ‘eccentric’, a term that my brother commonly used against me as adults.Funny how language can be a cultural thing. Where I come from (England) eccentricity is positively cultivated and no one seems to mind being considered eccentric.
In fact in a more conformist culture being eccentric is seen as a breath of fresh air!
If you don’t believe my opinion that eccentricity is rewarded then take a look at the House of Lords – you couldn’t find a more diverse bunch of people!
I also have several lifelong English friends who rate well up the eccentricity scales and they are proud to be that way.So just like all the other name calling that goes on, the best response is to acknowledge that being called eccentric is in fact a complement – and thank them for it!
Life would be so boring in this world without eccentrics to explore the otherwise untrod pathways.
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Quote:the best response is to acknowledge that being called eccentric is in fact a complement – and thank them for it!
The fact that I am recognised for my difference is fine by me but in this particular situation my brother uses the term to denigrate me.
Although I respect the right of all people to have their own opinions & that includes my family, within a cultural context I also have a reasonable expectation that my family members not denigrate me, especially considering my acceptance of them…people in glass houses.I agree with the following sentiment, it provides me with some validation of my eccentricities (I have a few). 😉
Quote:Life would be so boring in this world without eccentrics to explore the otherwise untrod pathways.Quote:I also have several lifelong English friends who rate well up the eccentricity scales and they are proud to be that way.Whether eccentric be the expression of choice, I am quite satisfied being the enigma that my friends believe me to be, I certainly have an interesting life.
My friends however choose to be my friends because of who I am, they don’t use my personality & ‘ways’ as a weapon against me. That is precisely why my brother & I are estranged, it’s a very sore point for me. For all of my strengths & confidence, having my brother consciously & deliberately put me down is a wound I struggle to overcome.
I wrote that letter with tears streaming down my face, not because of my revelation but because I can not turn the other cheek anymore. Some pain runs very deep. -
Chloe,
I feel for your tears around your brother, and to others who have similar challenges around close relatives. I don’t have siblings so I don’t have such problems. I’d tell them using my English colloqueal, ‘get stuffed’.
My relatives who are significant tend to ignore my eccectric side, but then they, ‘the Poms’ haven’t seen Liz in all her glory.Chloe, you may well have a brother who chooses to ignore Craig and Chloe but you have many friends who choose to embrace you in whatever mode you choose to present yourself.
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i agree with Liz in what she says. I always think as long as i have done everything within my power to correct what ever situation arises then i can sleep at night and know i can go to my grave without regrets.
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It’s peculiar how family can be the most hurtful of people, when you turn to them for support. My mother sold her house and moved west as far from me as she could after I told her about Pamela, I never got to see her again before she died as a result of this, she just stopped talking to me at all. My wife who is a few years separate from her sister, never speaks to her or her to my wife. Strange but amazing what a few years difference can do to people. They were just destined to never get along, perhaps it is the same for you and your brother, with or without the gender issues.
My heart goes out to you Chloe and you know my email if you need a friend to talk to.
Hugs Pamela! -
Thank you to all who have indicated their support, it is very kind indeed.
My mother has confirmed that my brother has received my email. I have not had any response from him so that’s all I can & will do, case closed.
Thanks again, lets move on.
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Hmm, The letter started out so statistically focused and very formal but as the length and depth of the letter grew, including bringing in your mum, the correspondence changed to a letter of real understanding or hope of expression to include your sibling. It’s obvious, looking through the formality that family has a very strong place in your life. I’m sure the bond the bond with your brother is very important to you or you wouldn’t have taken the time to write something so (informative) and also expressive (I speak about your need to express that your not inclined to be in a same sex relationship).
I do love your posts and the content you provide to others. In fact, I read yours a great deal of time. I wonder though, where your life will be in a few years. Who will it be that takes up your life as a life long partner? I hope you find the right person as I believe you have so much to offer as a confidant, mentor, and spiritual partner.
It was very brave of you to write. Did it lead to a phone call and will you ever get to see your brother as you .
Best wishes
Bridgette
