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Not caring about not passing
Like many girls on TGR, I knew I was different even as a child. I would surreptitiously dress in my sister’s clothes, terrified of being caught out. Later as an adult, I would buy clothes “for my partner” and then wear them surreptitiously at home, terrified of being caught out. Finally, I ventured out in public, in Sydney far away from home, thrilled and pleased but still terrified of being seen as transgender, i.e. as not passing for a woman. Then, well into my sixties I couldn’t lead the double life any longer and said “Oh golly gosh (or an equivalent vulgar phrase) I’m just going to be me, my feminine self”.
But who/what is my feminine self? I’ve grown my hair, bought elegant feminine clothes, keep finger and toe nails painted, changed my name, use breast forms and always wear makeup – but I’m still 6’1″ tall, have large feet and hands, speak with a deep voice and have a masculine’ish face. From a distance perhaps I’m taken for a “real” woman, but close up and when I’m speaking there’s no way I can pass. Of course, it doesn’t help that I don’t wear clothes that “match my age”: I have great legs after 55 years as a runner and I ain’t gonna hide them! I attract attention, as my partner tells me.
So, after a long period of fear and frustration at “not passing” I’ve finally reached a point (most of the time) of accepting that I’m transgender and not apologising to anyone for it. I’m never going to be a “real” woman, or even a passable one after surgery etc (which anyway I can’t afford or undertake health-wise). It’s obvious that I’m presenting as female and most people respect that. Although not perfect, this situation pretty much satisfies my desire to be my feminine self.
In summary, I no longer care that I’m not passable. Being passable full-time in life is a bridge too far for me, as it probably is for most other MtF transgender people.
Regards,
Chantelle
PS there are emotional and behavioural aspects of my feminine self (not just appearance) – but I won’t talk about those here!
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14 Replies
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Chantelle, you make an important point IMO. To spend one’s life, full of angst and self doubt, in a futile attempt to pass , is to miss the point. It is more about expressing how one feels rather than try to gain the approval of others based purely on ones looks or mannerisms. Like many others, I will never pass as a woman but I do feel attractive when I am going out and that is what is important to me. I am a very passable Transgender woman and that is the truth of it. To set my sights on being the beautiful tall willowy brunette woman I would wish to be is not realistic and good mental health has got to be based on realism.
Of course , if one is a lucky duck with a natural feminine appearance and manner then go for it. I am jealous but good on you.
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I really don’t care any more whether I pass or not. Now if I do pass to some individual walking by, I would suggest that they need to attend Space Savers or OPSM. I’m old, crabby, I burp in public, I fart in public and I’m still not too worried. Who cares?
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Well said Christina, “good mental health has got to be based on realism”.
As a slight digression from my original post, I’ve found being transgender to be a good People Filter. Those people who have a problem with my status are probably not the sort of people I’d want to be relating with anyway: those who show warmth, understanding and acceptance are. The latter are probably people I’d want to relate with irrespective of my gender status. Whilst not in the majority, there’s plenty of these really decent people and they pop up all over the place, often at the most unexpected time and location.
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So well put, thanks to all of you. Speaking to the reality of it all. It hasn’t anything to do what others think, It’s how we need to live.
And for best response? This one of course.
Liz wrote:I’m old, crabby, I burp in public, I fart in public and I’m still not too worried. Who cares? -
I like this thread. Thank you everyone for your common sense, honest posts.
For me the big breakthrough came, after many outings where I tried to pass and didn’t know whether I was succeeding or people were just being polite, when I went to electrolysis on my beard fully dressed as Carol with 3 days of stubble. People, from petrol station attendants to mothers in the park, were just as accepting and gave me smiles, as much as people did when I was shaved with full make-up.
I think the theory that people accept you if you put an effort into your appearance but not otherwise is rubbish. Nice people are always nice people and that is the majority of the human race. So I don’t care whether I pass or not but I will try to dress appropriately for the occasion and smile at the people I meet. -
Some really good observations and comments in this post. I have a friend, who now lives in Italy, and presents 24/7 as a female. She is 73 and couldn’t care less if she does not pass. She finds, as many of you have found, that most people seem these days willing to accept you as you are.
I sometimes get “picked”, but would not worry too much about it unless someone became aggressive either verbally or physically, but so far I have never had any negative situations arise. I have had men try to “hit” on me a couple of times including last time two gay guys!
I think that, as a rough generalisation, as we get older we worry far less about what others think, especially if we accept who we are.
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Great comments everyone.
Indeed who cares. Walk with confidence. True for me too about caring less as I get older. -
Good for everyone who has posted. I hope to not care so much soon – I guess my biggest fears are aggression towards me from others who take offense with my inner self and people I work with finding out / recognising my voice. I hope in 2016 I can squish these issues and move on to not caring about passing – just having fun regardless of what those around me think.
Sammie
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Hi Sammie,
Self acceptance always goes a long way to defeating those fears that never eventuate. The easiest way to disarm agression is not to take personal ownership of other peoples opinions. How you perceive yourself is essentially how the world perceives you. Just focus on being who you are, that’s all you can ever expect to do in life. What outcomes occur from that is simply the icing on the cake.
Hope to see you round in 2016
Huggs
Catherine -
I agree with Catherine that self acceptance is important about how you portray yourself. Most people believe what the image you express and will doubt their thoughts if they think something is amiss. I know we can put a lot of energy into getting it right but it is the inner self that convinces people who you are. There are always exceptions of course but frankly they would probably question some genetic women. Unless we give them a good reason then what do we have to fear except fear itself.
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Excellent topic
For myself. Deciding to go out. Choosing what to wear. Then getting dressed and doing my makeup, I feel like a different person. I hop in the car and off I go, there is no thought of ” not passing” , or any worries at all, the only worry comes about in choosing a parking spot to avoid drunk people that could cause aggression ,, after that I walk to the theatre, restaurant etc ,,, I know I do not pass as a gg. But I feel happy in myself -
This is an excellent post by Chantelle. I’m happy for you as you’ve come to a point of restitution in your life. You have mentioned your age and your physical attributes (great legs) and that you were a runner for most of your life. I’m guessing that if you were a long distance runner then you used to breaking through the pain barrier and each race’s end is really the start of another. From my perspective, I think you have found the ground your happy with and maybe settled back after running a 10km to the relative ease of a 5km run, knowing that all the practice runs made you as great as you are.
Great post
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I have been giving away good red blood at the Red Cross Blood Bank as the male for years but this week I did it as Roberta. I know I will never “pass” and they all know the male half of me but as usual they are polite and take my blood. As Fiona and others have said as long as you are happy in yourself go ahead. Roberta was happy and will be back in three months to do it again.
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Hi,
Yes I know how you feel. I too have come to the stage in my life that I just need to be who I am. I don’t pass either, 6’4″ and while I can mask my voice and get my figure down to a reasonable size, I’m honest with myself and know that it’s just not possible. I too just like to present as female and let the cards fall where they may. I have been venturing out lately to big shopping centres and to date have not had any adverse reactions. I hold my head up high and am proud of how I look. When you act nervous, which I did for many years, it only attracts undue attention. When you’re nervous, others are nervous. Be confident and happy with the image you see in the mirror and just go out. I just have a simple rule, I don’t put myself in “dangerous” positions. But then I don’t do this even when I’m in DRAB. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Regards,
Jessica
