Not everyone is happy <with a sex change>

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s sad, I feel sorry for her. As you mentioned, it seems like she is doing it for external reasons. Her ‘family’ and ‘friends’ have helped make her feel horrible.

At least she did not get an orchi/SRS yet. She has a good chance of reversing the changes and going back to a male appearance. It will give her time to find out who she really is and perhaps get re-assigned later if it’s what she really wants.

[Elizabeth]

I was undecided as her reasons for her mind change at the (almost) last minute. I wouldn’t trust the media under any circumstaces and the reporting could well be a bit ‘ifffy. Certainly read as reported and no doubt true, it appears the usual bigotry and transphobia from family and all around her. A great pity indeed when she has to revert to being a boy to please everyone, family and friends alike just to make her way in life without being harassed. I hope that in the not too distant future she realises where she is on the gender spectrum, continues with her transition and tells all around her to go to hell. And why the army? to ‘make a man of her’ at someones suggestion no doubt. My question to the family would be, ‘what’s wrong with having a daughter?’

[Anonymous]

Wow this is a difficult subject.

The problem is it is not not just black or white.

I see at least three aspects that are variable:
sexual preference
gender personality
gender identity

From what I have seen all these are independent and mix and match is all possible combinations. looking at the diversity of nature, this variation is natural although man made gender bending chemicals in the environment may be making this a lot more common.

For example my sexual partner preference is female but I think I was relating to women more like another woman. Most women thought I was inclined the other way and starting relationships was very difficult.

On the other hand I feel more comfortable in girl mode and happier in feminine environments, feeling like a fish out of water in masculine environments. Sending a transgendered male into a very masculine environment could be hell.

I have seen individuals who have changed but then find relationships very difficult because the sexual preference now does not fit new sex.

Knock 38 years off me I would study psychology and specialise in this area, there is overwhelming need for people with this knowledge.

Enough ranting
Vicki

[JaneS]

Like others, I find this story rather sad not so much for the decision to ‘revert’ as for her/his reasons to do so. Loneliness, alienation and isolation are terrible things however, as has been suggested, there might well be more to this story than the media has portrayed.

Ria/Ryan suggests that she has alienated her family, yet earlier in the story it states “She had begged her family and the British health system, the NHS, for the operation to turn her into a girl and underwent thorough psychological assessment and counseling before getting the go-ahead.” If her decision to commence transition has alienated her family why would they have given their consent for her to do so? One could also question how thorough the assessment and counselling was if, less than 12 months later, she wants to stop the whole thing.

One thing is certain though. This story provides yet more evidence, for those who wish to see, that being transgender isn’t an easy state of being that people just decide to adopt. We can only hope that in her later years Ria doesn’t regret stopping her transition, or blame her family for her decision.

[Anonymous]

I agree.

The issues/ reasons she is unhappy being a woman are:
Alienation
Struggled to find a partner
Loneliness
Isolation
= Tried to commit suicide.
Not once did she say that her gender is the actual issue, it’s her family and others “who she loves” who are the issues. It doesn’t sound like they return that love. It’s like one of my non blood relatives who said to me once, “I don’t find it gross, but………..” I don’t deal with her anymore; (and she has been chastened by others in the family), neither should this young woman deal with members of her extended family who treat her like this. Her family is emotionally blackmailing her.
We all know of married people who stay in a unhappy marriage because they don’t want to be lonely, well this is something similar I think.
She needs help with the issues, not with her gender/sex.
There is no reason why she could not join the armed services as a female.
I would have the GLBTI community here invite her to Australia where in our society, based on my experiences, she will realize her full potential.
Also, there are plenty of lonely males and females who can’t find partners. Being one or the other is no guarantee of finding a partner and living ‘happily ever after’ (ask all the divorced people).

[Anonymous]

The only thing I find odd about this whole story is that someone so young was allowed to pursue a sex change.
As a teenager, dressing as a girl, it is easy enough to start thinking about wanting to live like that full time, and thinking about going further.
So it needs a sensible adult to sit you down and tell you to wait. To go off and do a bit of traveling, experience a few things in life that don’t always involve dressing up, and wait until you are at least 21, or even 25 before you make such big decisions.
It doesn’t sound like there are any sensible adults in this young persons life.
I do hope things work out for him/her, but I think it is a good thing that there is now a cooling off period.

[Anonymous]

Transitioning is not something you decide too do Like a Tatoo ? Both are kinda with you for a while unless you have corrective Surgery ! My Transisition required I live as a women for 2 years and attend psyche evaluation as required ,He did’nt go all the way too transition and this it what it’s all about ? There is no story here it’s just beat up tpp sell Papers and make it all the more difficult for those that are Genuine ?

[Anonymous]

Is she really ingenuine though? Do I need to erase my male side to be known as transgender? What if I stay bigender forever? That’d be great, rejected by the cis community and the trans community.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone here remember how definite you were about your goals in life at 12 years of age?

Did you “know” what you wanted to do for a career? Did you “know” that you were transgender? Did you “know” what you wanted to do for the rest of your life?

I “knew” I wasn’t right in the body I had. If I had the opportunity to have pursued my desire to transition at a young age doesn’t mean that I would never have had any doubts.

The problem as I see it is that some of us are always looking over the fence. I am not right as a male, does that make me female? There is lot’s of talk about the gender spectrum but what does that really mean? Maybe she is caving in to all the pressure from others? The urge to fit in is very strong. The pressure to determine what gender she is supposed to be is obviously very much reduced by actually living in her chosen gender. Maybe if she was still being pressured to present as a male she would still have the strong urge to transition and live as a female.

She has a very long life ahead of her providing all goes well. I just hope that she doesn’t throw away her own identity to “fit in”. Pre surgery, she still has the choice on how to live her life. Who is to say that she doesn’t change her mind again when she reverts back to being male? Unfortunately, if she is just changing her mind due to the influence of others, I hope that she has the strength to stand up to them if she realises that she is making a mistake and not just use the “final solution” to end her issues.

[Anonymous]

I agree with JaneS and Erika .It seems to me that why she wants to change back is mainly to aliviate her loneliness and being alienated by friends ,family and Society ,but at the same time you have to ask if her assessment was extensive enough with respect to coping with the change
Suzz

[Anonymous]

Hi Noeleena

I have always envied those who “know” what they want or are. I have never been certain of anything in my life. My life is shades of grey.

Like yourself, I see myself as a person first, but for me, everything else comes second. That is how I get by.

Since my surgery everything is now more congruent. That is not to say that I don’t have times where I think “what if” or “why”. I have the occassional lapse to the point where I think “what have I done?” but they don’t last very long at all. This is usually as a result of my frustration at what I see as faults with my body. My life is still very much improved overall from my pre-surgery days.

I have seen more on this “guys” story elsewhere. I will refer to “him” as “he” simply because that is how he see’s himself.

He was another wanderer on the gender spectrum. From what he has said, he see’s himself as an effeminate gay male now. He says that his psych was the one who suggested that his condition was transgenderism. Being young, with everyone around you dividing everyone into the gender binary, I can see how a person in that situation may identify with what he saw as being more of an ideal than what he was experiencing. No-one can say with any certainty that they identify as being the “opposite” gender without experiencing life in that role. Fantasy is a wonderful thing but not a place that you can live. And he was so young and in a situation which was less than ideal.

When I first started the process of transitioning I found that life was much simpler and exciting being a crossdresser. Transitioning is a difficult process over and above just existing day to day. You lose the bonus of things being “dangerous” and the “reward” of the thrill. This is why you should only transition as THE ONLY option left. It is very much a one way street. Of course you can always “go back”, but if you have surgically altered your body, then you have made that decision from which there is no return.

We have so many factors affecting us from outside our own body that if you are raised in an environment which is less than nurturing you may find yourself being influenced in a way which is just ……. well …… wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I believe there are many gender conflicted youths out there who are genuinely “in the wrong body” and for whom surgical correction is the best option. This is where we trust the “professionals” who should know better to make sure we are doing the right thing. But, if they are having a bad day, if they are being influenced by stories being made up, if they are keen to try a “new method”, maybe “our” best interests are not what is being served.

So, how does a 15 year old effeminate gay male, with no experience of gay existence, who was abused as a youth, who’s exposure to the gender spectrum consists of male – or – female, who lives with his mother, who is identified as transgender by the professionals, is desperate for approval and love from anywhere, supposed to decide whether they are male or female?

Maybe if I had been able to transition at 15 I would have found myself questioning whether or not it had been a correct decision. My experience now is that it would have been correct based on what I know now. But I would not have had the life experiences that I have had which have enabled me to confirm what I knew.

[Anonymous]

Portia that’s a really good evaluation.

I think that puberty blockers are an excellent treatment for any youth who thinks that their gender identity might be significantly misaligned with their physical sex. Blockers are totally reversible in the case that the child discovers they are not transsexual.

There were stats somewhere showing that a significant number of trans teens are eventually happy as cis gay/lesbian or CD (it might have been in the ‘What’s wrong with a boy in a dress?’ article).

At what age should SRS be allowed? Psychologists think that full brain maturity is not reached until mid-twenties! I know some middle-aged people who make even that estimate look conservative

[Anonymous]

It’s sad to read this story but it shows how difficult life can be for the transgendered. Why do so many of us come out in our 40s and 50s? Often, I’d suggest, because the pressures put on us by society make the pain of coming out greater than that of keeping our true selves undercover. Either living furtive tg existences or being in self denial about who we are. That was certainly my experience. I think it was Jenny Boylan in her book “She’s Not There”, who said that she came out when the pain of hiding her true self became greater than that of what people, friends and family may think of her. If it wasn’t that book it was Joesephine Emery’s “The Real Possibility of Joy”. Both great reads by the way.

I’m glad Ria’s story has been told though. We have heard in the past of post Gender Affirmation Surgery individuals changing their minds. I won’t ponder for a moment why, but how many transmen and transwomen are held back by the cruelty of society’s prejudices? Either going back to who they lived as previously like Ria, or never experiencing the joy of expressing their true selves fully as must surely be the case for many.

And one last horrible thought, what of the Ria’s of the world who experience depression as a transwoman and then return to their old lives thinking at least the depression will be gone. Yes, in some cases the depression will have been the result of their poor treatment as a transperson, but if their depression continues when back in their “normal” state because they just happen to have depression for any of the many other reasons that give rise to the “black dog”, there would surely be a terrible risk of them descending that terrible spiral staircase into even deeper depression. All because society couldn’t cope with someone just trying to be who they were.

[Anonymous]

very well expressed Felicity !
society has cruel rules of conformity and how cruel depends on which community ypu belong to nand what your non conformity is
I was talking to an anglican minister recently who told me how religion can cure the “most deeply rooted habits ” and quoted rhe example of how a man in the congregation after 20 yrs of cross dressing had been able to “give it all up ” with the help of jesus ” .That this level of non acceptance could happen in this day and age was astounding to me ! It seems that with some people and instituitions being tg ,cd ,intersex are far worse evils than many many crimes ! “They ” wonder why people are leaving the church …
This poor young girl who tried to transition was probably in a intolerant part of society and got tyo the point of desparationwher she was preparedd tpo exchange her feelings and beliefs for some social acceptance
Poor Girl
Hugs
Suzz

[Anonymous]

Hi , Many start the Transition Process and decide it is not what they want and this is why it is called Transition ? Its noones fault if someone pulls out befor Surgical Reassingment Surgery however it they go Ahead with Surgery and decide it is not What they wanted then I would feel upset and wonder how Doctors and Psyches got it wrong ? : )