-
Reconciling my Male and Female Personas
Hi Ladies
As I began my transitioning journey a few months ago I started keeping a Journal. I realised today that the journal was from my male perspective so I have now started a new Journal where Elsa shares her thoughts and feelings. It is amazing how liberating this has been and how significant this has been in Elsa’s growth. Below is one of her first entries on how I am reconciling 60years as William with my new identity as a Elsa. If you are able to read all of it I hope you find it enjoyable and informative.
Hugs and Kisses, Elsa
Hi my name is Elsa,
I am a transgender female. I have a condition known as gender dysphoria. This is when a persons gender identity (how we see and feel about our identity does not match our physical appearance.)
In my case I have lived in a male body for nearly 60 years. I have tried many times to reveal myself but have never been able to present myself strongly enough to truly make myself heard until now.My male companion has always dominated and held me back. I have had to resort to some extreme behaviours just to make myself known. Finely about 2 months ago (Feb 18) I was able find the strength to break through. I am now permanently out in the world (well at least to those people most important to me)
In some ways this has been like a birth and I am still very young with a long way ahead of me.
Fortunately for me my male companion has accepted that his time in the sun is coming to an end and is happy to give me the freedom to live as I need to.He is more than happy to now step back but is there when I need him. William (male) has guided us to this point in our lives and has been successful in society. It is only through his hard work, intelligence, empathy and caring that we have been able to live and grow as a human being.
William now accepts that I (Elsa) has played on important role in our life although he was unaware of it. I have provided the imagination and creativity when he needed it, to often think outside the box and to come up with creative solutions to difficult problems. I (Elsa) was able to overcome his social anxiety just enough to allow him to function in a social demanding world.William will now begin to fade but his practicality, logic, pragmatism and experience will guide me as I grow (very quickly) into a fully mature and
confident female for the world to see.I am excited and ready to start running and show the world who I am, but this is where William is providing a guiding hand and reminding me I have only just learnt how to walk and that this journey will be for the rest of my life, so slow down, enjoy, and have fun, I still have a lot to learn.
When I do reveal myself to the world I do want it to be my best version of me (Elsa)
At the moment I am still a little wobbly (a bit like wearing high heals for the
first time) and still need to grow. As each day goes buy I grow stronger and more confident.As I engage more and more with the transgender community I find them to be a very caring and loving group, I have already met some really genuine people online and in person who have been very supportive and encouraging.
There will be many obstacles to overcome as I move forward but I am now on this journey to full womanhood and I intend to enjoy every minute of it
How often does any human truly get to be reborn and reinvent themselves
)Elsa
-
6 Replies
-
Thank you Elsa for sharing this lovely reflection on your journey. It is moving and a beautiful gift.
I am struck by the delightful way your male and female personas are able to relate to one another and the particular story that tells.
As the external trauma and triggers are fading a little we are slowly beginning to hear something of the variety of gender diverse people’s stories. For too long the ‘wrong body’ and one or two or other tropes were the only descriptors and narratives were/had to be written in ways which were sometimes more about getting through medical and other hoops rather than expressing full authenticity. Resistance to ‘dead naming’ was also understandably strong. However our relationships to our pasts and futures are much more complex for many of us – and, indeed, our gender ‘balance’.My own view is that trans terminology, personal narratives, and expressions, will change and develop considerably in the next few years or so as we have more space to own and affirm our complexities. One feature of that will also be in relation to spirituality – it is still extraordinary to me that many conservatives cannot read stories like yours (full of allusions to re-birth and reconciliation etc) as not remarkably spiritual (a much deeper and broader human reality of course than institutional ‘religion’). Journaling is a wonderful way of exploring that and the rewards are lovely to see, Thank you for your perceptive and skilful writing and your trust in sharing it
-
Elsa,
The way you have gone about writing a journal from this perspective is wonderful! It gives me something to think about as well.
Thanks -
Oh my god. My eyes filled with tears reading this. So moving. I will be 60 too in a couple of months and I came out to my wife two years ago. I am not going to transition – but the female side of me is growing. I am so affected by this story. Thank you, Elsa, so much, for sharing it.
-
Hi Ladies
Thank you for the kind words and wonderful thoughts.
I (Elsa) need to find ways of expressing myself as I am unable to dress full time or come out in public for now. I only came out to my family a few weeks ago so I need to tread carefully as they process this. My only outlets are the moment are occasional dressing in private, out 4 – 5 times a month, engaging with the wonderfull people on sites such as this and now through my journaling. As each day goes by I become more confident and I have no doubt that being female is my new norm.
My daughter (30 years old) and I have always been close and my revelation to her as being transgender was no big issue. We where talking about it in the car the other day and she said the most wonderfull thing. She now feels closer to me and feels she is able to open up and discuss more about herself now that I have revealed myself. This has meant so much to me, t all became quite tearful once I got home.
Hugs and Kisses Elsa
-
Lovely lovely journal Elsa, thank you for sharing with us. Good luck and enjoy your journey.
Suzie x -
I read this recently on crossdresserheaven.com. I’m sure your message will lift spirits in many places.
