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Sanitising the Truth
Sooner or later most of us face up to telling someone else we are tranny. Often our partner but also relatives, children, friends, maybe work colleagues. When you have, did you ‘lay it all out’ as they say or did you sanitise the facts or minimise the extent of your obsession or make promises or assertions that you later found difficult to live up to? And maybe later cause further conflict or distrust.
Saying things like –
you don’t need to dress too often – when really you want to dress quite frequently.
you only do it in private – when really you need to go out and socialise.
its not sexually based – when in fact you have other thoughts.
Fiona xx
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11 Replies
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Yes Fiona, probably all of that and more
BUT, is this based on our own guilt and conditioning, or the fact that we don’t want to hurt our friends / partners / loved ones etc ?
I know that I made agreement before I went on one outing, but the reality hit home later.
Yes.
Saz
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Hi Saz – yes I guess it is about not hurting someone – but I think we do tend to delude ourselves a bit.
Funnily I heard an ethicist on the radio today discussing a problem where a woman lied about her age when she met her husband 26 years ago and still hasn’t told him the truth. So she’s had her 30th/40th/50th bithdays 2 years later not to mention faking her DOB to employers and the ATO.
So its amazing the holes we can dig for ourselves.Fiona xx
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My wife knows I dress, I cant remember why I told her (probably after too many wines!! lol) but I am glad I did!
The thing is I still only dress when she is not around and she knows that and is happy with it (or so she says!).
I dress in private because I choose to, it’s probably a sexual thing for me too. I would love somebody else to dress with but thats apparently not going to happen. I have no interest in going out in public though, definitely not passable.
Its easy to live a lie, its easier to live a lie in cyber space where you can express your fantasisies anonymously. For me dressing occasionally (like this afternoon!) is just fine, I have no desire to be a woman, but I understand those that do (well at least I think I do!) Some want to keep it all secret personally I dont see what the problem with that is, we all have little secrets of one kind or another if we are honest!
Oh well none of this makes sense, best be going!
Kiki
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Fiona and Kiki
Fiona, your point about the age thing doesn’t have such a stigma attached for most of us, does it? That’s a valid point, nevertheless!
Hurting people and the conflict of that against hurting ourselves is also a very big point.
To move to Kiki’s point about living a lie and living a lie in cyberspace being easy, you’re very accurate.
I’ve spent a long time now building a community of online friends and real world acquaintances whom I trust and to whom honesty is an important factor! Fiona is one of those
Can you believe, Fiona, it’s going on for three years !And whilst I’m not out to the whole community, I’m known to some. The line between living a lie and living a private life is very grey indeed
Saz
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Hi Kiki – Yes I accept not everyone wants to come out. But I think partners deserve to know – not everything of the past – but if you are living a kind of double life.
I’m sure you found that telling your wife was quite liberating – though you probably had a few shaky days.
Yes. cyberspace is full of liars – and I’ve come accross a few who were not as they seem.
Fiona xx
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Quote:Fiona and Kiki
Can you believe, Fiona, it’s going on for three years !
Three years – you were just a slip of a girl!
A lot of things have happened in our parts of cyberspace since then.
love Fiona xx
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Actually telling my wife did not produce any shaky times. She has never used it against me at all, maybe if I wanted to become a woman (which I dont) it might cause issues as I am sure it has for many.
I am firmly on the cross dressing side of the fence if you get my drift…..love the experience but also I can live without it if I have to.
Once upon a time we were all slips….now I am a bit more like a slop lol
Kiki -
Quote:……………… maybe if I wanted to become a woman (which I dont) it might cause issues as I am sure it has for many.
Yep! It makes a big difference……well even makes a big difference if you are TS with no intention of changing…..the doubt is till there.
Sounds like you have it well in control Kiki.
Fiona xx
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There are a lot of common experiences shared above and in other posts over the years dealing with the subject of ‘tipping your hand’ to those within our regular world – the world away from crossdressing.
Most of us at some stage have dealt with the embarrassment of discovery by those who we do not want to hurt..and many of us have revealed ourselves to partners and loved ones either, as said above, in an alcohol fueled inspirational moment or in the pursuit of honesty. When I revealed myself to my partner it was awful but we survived it with plenty of talking and the help of good friend Joan and her partner from the ACT.
There is nothing hard and fast about this lifestyle choice. None of us knows what goes on in other peoples kitchens and I find it difficult to critisise those who prefer to live in the shadows.
Suit yourself,and enjoy what you get to do. There is no such thing as an ex-crossdresser but there are plenty of ex-husbands/shamed fathers/teased work colleagues around. -
Hi, Fiona,
You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head for me, with what you’ve said.When I first told my soon to be wife I minimized the extent of my feelings about crossdressing so much.Mind you, I didn’t have much to wear and I hadn’t progressed very far in my ‘hobby’ then. I finally got up the courage to tell her while we were in bed after a night of beautiful lovemaking.I thought,”this is the best time- it’s now or never”.And I knew I must tell her before we were married. I did have the sense to know that a disclosure like that after we were married could be disastrous. I was quite prepared for her to say,”Then,let’s forget it- I’m not prepared to put up with that- no way!”
So I screwed up the courage and said,”You know, I have a big confession to make. If it turns you off me, I’ll understand”. I did know by then that she was crazy in love with me ( for what reason, I didn’t know, really).
Now, here is where the little ‘lie’ started. I, by that time,needed to dressup, (and did, in my own bedroom at home, up to 5 times a day,( 3 during the night, once in the early morning, and sometimes, in weekends, during the day.Also, it was entirely sexual in nature. I dressed, admired myself in the mirror, and masturbated constantly.Frankly, I loved it, and I would not have contemplated a married life without doing it, even if I remained alone for the rest of my life.
But, I only said,”honey, I like dressing up in womens’ nighties, and occasionally dresses.”I then told her a sanitized version of what I did, minimizing the narcissistic aspects, making out I liked only the feel of satin garments. I can’t remember how much of the sexual side I mentioned, but it was miniscule, or absent.
So my poor fiance, armed only with this rose-coloured version of my ‘hobby’, said, “Darling, that’s O.K. Perhaps you can model a nightie for me ome time.I was ecstatic! Here I had revealed, (so I had deluded myself into thinking)my dark secret, and she approved!
Well, to cut a long story short, we were married.
But…as time went by it became pretty obvious that I had been exaggerating,(or minimizing, if you wish).As it dawnde on her that I was sexually turned on by dressing, and needed to do it MUCH more frequently than she had guessed, her ‘enthusiasm’ turned to indifference.
She’s a great wife; she puts up with a lot from me on that score,and here we are, 26 years later, 3 kids, (grown up), still marrried. She got to know, inevitably, the full extent of my dressing, even, I might add, made me a couple of beautiful satin dresses of the style she knew I love, showed me how to sew so I could make my own, (on her own sewing achine, I might add).
But..I know our r3elationship has never recovered fully, because of my dressing. At times, when she has said,”Don’t you EVER get tired of that?”,and I say,”no!” she says, “You never told me all that you did”I sometimes rreply,” I was scared to, and also, I didn’t have as much stuff as now, I didn’t know, myself. Besides, If I had, would you still have married me?” She never answers that directly. She says things like, “Let’s not play the”What if?..game again”an goes on with what she’s doing.I sometimes think that I should have revealed more, but think,”maybe I wouldn’t be married now and have had a wonderful family, and besides, she has a wonderful family, which she adores”.
However, I think she really likes the kids more than me, and when the last one leaves home,she will be lonely for the type of company she desires;I hope not.
Anyhow, I implore all of you out there who are contemplating marriage,PLEASE! Tell your intended ALL about your hobby; you may lose her, but you may not. and if you don’t, you’ll know that she REALLY supports you.
But then again,I’ve heard of people who’ve had really supportive partners who have left them eventually; so who knows.Love, Michelle 7
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Hi Michelle,
Great post – great story. Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m glad everything worked so well.
As time goes on I guess some of us may relax our ‘best behaviour’ – and partners do become wise to the half truths?
Fiona xx
