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Say what???
I have a great female friend, let’s call her “Cheryl”. We went to school together so it is 40+ years since we first met and I consider her a very close friend. We have many similar interests and have wonderful thought provoking chats about all sorts of subjects. She is highly intelligent, works in a specialised area, and knows that I am, in reality, Batgirl.
Anyway, we went out to dinner the other night for a catch up. It was clear early on that she had a particular problem that she wanted to discuss with me.It appears that a male colleague of Cheryl’s had rung her outside of work hours to tell her all about his long term secret life as, you guessed it, a transvestite and what he plans to do now and how it affects everything. The story I got was that apparently he had been married previously and his first wife knew it all but could not deal with the crossdressing and they eventually divorced. Pretty typical stuff as many of you will agree. He later re-married to another woman who sounds absolutely lovely and is open minded and accepting but who did not know about the crossdressing until quite recently – like the week before last. Somehow, I’m not too sure how, he was “discovered” or confessed to his wife. During the course of this no doubt in-depth confessional he hit upon the startling decision that he wants to now live completely as a woman foregoing his current life as a man. He then immediately told all his adult children, which did not go well, and this week just past was going to tell all at his place of work about his new circumstances going forward. This guy, let’s call him “Bob”, opened up the conversation with Cheryl by saying “Do you know what gender dysphoria is?” Cheryl admits that she didn’t really absorb most of what Bob said to her as her head was swimming during this conversation which was of course completely unexpected.
Cheryl, with total concern for her colleague who she also sees socially, wanted to understand where Bob was at so who better to ask than her old mincing buddy, me. After explaining to her about gender dysphoria I invited her to ask any question she liked of me and she did not hold back:
“Does this mean he/you are gay?”
“Can he be Bob one day and Daphne the next. You are so why can’t he?”
“Do you want to cut your dick off and do you think he does?”
“Do you look at guys and think they’re hot?”
“Why would he want to go on hormones?”
Cheryl’s questions, though a touch predictable to us, were borne out of her concern for Bob as a friend but also with a firm eye on his professional career, which she is heavily involved with. Without giving anything away as to what he actually does I would think he would find it almost impossible to continue in his employment even considering that there has never been a better time in human history to go down this path. From what I understand also, there is a fair chance Bob has never even stepped out of the house “dressed” before so to make this decision is baffling to me.I may get some flack on this one but I found it very difficult to gather any empathy for Bob. Through circumstance, his secret was discovered. Bad luck, but that has happened to thousands of people. His wife did not get any real opportunity to let this initial and fairly harmless stuff all sink in and to discuss it with him as to how/if they could make things work as Bob made his further decisions without really consulting her at all and in the heat of the moment. His children then had their turn and were also expected to hear all this and then absorb it happily to Bob’s satisfaction. His work mates and workplace in general have had the same announcement and are expected to cop it all as well without consultation.
It seems to all be about Bob. My view is he probably got a head-of-steam and went straight down a path that, given pause for thought, could well have been managed much better. I think he may have quickly dug himself a hole and then just kept on digging…..and digging….and digging.
Normally, I have conversations with other gurls who are too timid to say anything to anyone in their lives and go to extraordinary lengths to cover their tracks and keep their secret just that. Even I, who thinks I’ve heard it all, admit I sat there a little slack jawed hearing this appalling story spill out.
Currently, Bob’s personal situation stands thus:
• His wife is confused, embarrassed, and does not know what to say to him. Their friends are not in contact.
• His adult children are not talking to him.
• People are actively avoiding him at work.
• He has still not left the house dressed.
So at the end of this conversation Cheryl asked me what she should say to Bob about how he was feeling. My advice however was that she rings Bob’s wife and asks her how she is going. She did, and Bob’s wife was very appreciative as no one had spoken to her since all this blew up as, I guess, no one really knows what to say to the poor woman.
Ours is a journey that can and does impact on everyone around us and all that we do. We all understand that the woman inside us sometimes screams like a Banshee to get out and we manage that in our own individual ways and hopefully everything works out ok. Sometimes it doesn’t but we are really the ones who stage manage that and it is our responsibility to consider everything before heading down any particular path.I have never met Bob, never heard of Bob before, have no idea what Bob’s femme name is and don’t even live in the same state as Bob but I’m aware that Bob may well be a member here and reading this right now.
It is NOT all about us.
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16 Replies
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I feel for Bob as I am sure we all do, being discovered or opening up about our other lives is never easy, leads to all sorts of ramifications to us and those around us, including family and work colleagues and invariable leads to changes in our circumstances. I don’t know Bob but I wonder if he hasn’t rushed in to something that should never be rushed in to. Coming out is an awkward enough situation to have to deal with but to totally change around your life and hurtle from male to female is something that is bound to shock the system of not only Bob but also those around him.
I can understand his family and other half being hurt that this has been thrust upon them so quickly and would probably counsel Bob that he should perhaps draw a breath and step back a bit before rushing in to this decision. If Bob has never been outside dressed as it seems to suggest then there is a mountain to climb before he takes on a full time role as a woman. It took me several years to build up clothes, makeup skills and just the confidence to be able to leave the house and those first few times were very limited short trips. If Bob is certain of his decision then I congratulate him on having the courage to come out fully but would still suggest that for financial and family reasons he should take the first few steps a little slower and give his closest family friends and colleagues a chance to become accepting, which in this current climate may be all he needs to be able to transition successfully and still retain his livelihood and eventually his family. Just my two cents worth. -
Emma, you are absolutely correct in your comments. I think that if anyone needed an example of how not to handle coming out, Bob has created a textbook case. I think this circumstance is not one that will end well.
As I’ve mentioned to others at various times, we should always keep in mind how long it took for us to feel comfortable with ourselves. To demand instant acceptance, as Bob has done with his actions, show no consideration for anyone else. If we want support and understanding then delivering a ‘like it or lump it’ blow to people isn’t the way to do it. If Bob was a year, or two years into transition and people were not accepting then things would be different, but he has given those around him no time at all to consider things.
As you were, I’d be concerned for the wife in this picture. She needs support. Bob has obviously decided that he either doesn’t need support, or that anyone who doesn’t support him will be in the wrong.
This is more than pink fog, it’s a pale red hurricane and I suspect that a lot of damage will be done.
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Hi Emma,
What you have written is so true and hits the point very well.
Yes, we have a screaming girl in us trying to get out, but I agree, that we have to take control of her and let her out when it’s best for everyone. Life is not all about US, we must always take into account that there are others who may be impacted by our actions. I have mentioned before in previous posts that for every action there is a reaction and everything is connected. Short term gain usually brings about long term pain. I know that people will always do what they are going to do, but they need to take responsibility for their actions and not blame the world for where they are. We are all in our current positions in life because of decisions we have made in the past. It really is that simple. No one is to blame but ourselves. I agree with you Emma wholeheartedly. The poor wife is probably reeling from shock and doesn’t know where to turn. Tell your friend that she can rely on us to help her and help her friend. That is what we do, help people come to terms with everything.
I know myself, I have made rash decisions in my life and have suffered the consequences of these actions. I am fortunate to have a wife who is my soul mate and best friend, but even after 30 years we still have trouble bringing up the subject.
I just hope that he has the sense to work it through for the happiness of everyone in his life, otherwise he will end up a very lonely and depressed person with no one in his life.
We must all learn to live with ourselves in whatever way to make it “easy” for everyone. Money is not the absolute, but it is required to make things work in our lives. If he jeopardises his career and in the process his income stream then he’s going to find life pretty miserable. I know we would all dream of being able to live life as we see it in our heads, but unfortunately reality is sometimes a far cry from fantasy.
Thank you for posting this and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know. You can also pass my details on to your friend as well – jessicawayne59@yahoo.com. We need to be there for everyone.
Hugs,
Jessica -
My good friend “Cheryl” is definitely ok – she just wanted to know much more about our little sisterhood and all its twists and turns to get up to speed for what is no doubt a bumpy road ahead with Bob in the workplace and his general state of mind.
We go to the nudey beach regularly together in summer so she won’t be shy in asking something if she needs to. -
Mmm sounds like Bob has not thought this through at all. Crossdressing is a pretty impulsive thing and I think most of us have issues controlling it; sometimes it controls us. However, simply letting it rule absolutely everything all of a sudden is irresponsible and probably in this case complacent.
We only live once and out prime duty is to ourselves. We can’t control other people or their thoughts and reactions, however close we are to them, and one needs certain degree of bravery live our personal truths. It is our own choice and no-one else’s as to how we do this.
While we may recognise these factors we should also recognise that our choices may alienate or hurt people who we are close to and they are equally able to exercise their rights to protect themselves and make the best, for them, of any situation we impose on them. Compromise may therefore be necessary if we want to keep their love and if we care about their wellbeing. A great deal of discussion and judiciousness is involved if we want to keep the ones we love, and without doubt, some compromise. There may also be a need to retain some secrecy.
It seems to me that Bob has been very impulsive and has made rash choices. Sometimes I think I have too, but there is always an element of risk unless you are out to the whole world.
Bob has now got a whole different set of challenges and I hope he/she can learn from this. His story is one that some of us can also learn from.
Love to all
Tina x
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Hi all, and thanks for starting yet another meaty topic Emma. I’ve had a close friend in another State lose his marriage and his business in disturbingly similar circumstances. Several contributors have already made the point that the complexity of people’s motives for dressing make it very difficult to establish why, for example, he adopted a “crash or crash through” strategy before he had even left the house dressed. Another observation I’d make is that we have to be very careful not to keep our trans desires and behaviours in a silo. We all come to the gender ball with a whole range of other issues, beliefs, attitudes, hang-ups etc. We are not just transgender, we are the full human catastrophe, like anyone else (and that’s a key reason why we demand equality). The reasons why some of us set ourselves up to fail may well have nothing to do with the content of the issue that flips the self-destruct switch (in this case gender dysphoria), but could well be the result of a whole range of chronic vulnerabilities. Best to all
Veronica
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Oh I’m up for the Gender Ball
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Um – possibly a Freudian slip? :blush:
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I’m much too much of a clever clogs for that Veronica
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Some very wise heads here. I agree with all of the above and suspect “Bob” hasn’t had a lot of contact with any Transgender groups where advice would surely have been given. I’ve seen this same story myself and invariably it doesn’t end well. Well done for the support of his/her wife. Much needed.
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For me, somehow this topic of “Say what” has eerie overtones of the “debate” which surrounded “Are we there yet”
As in, the entreaties of those within TGR who are “out”, to those that are “in”, to “come out fighting and damn the torpedoes”, need only reflect on what happened to “Bob” when he did exactly this.
So yet again, that’s why a/. at least outside these four walls of my home I am “in” and it will stay that way and b/., why this is the only TGR post I have made since the “are we there yet” debate and is likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future.
Caty
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I have always believed that each individual needs to make their own decision whether to come out or not. Individuals must decide their own course because they are the ones who live with the consequences. For those who do decide to ‘go public’, the manner must be considered for it’s not a decision to make in isolation. The very concerns that keep some silent are the concerns those who choose to go public must also consider.
I think that’s likely where Bob has gone wrong, he didn’t consider the impact on those around him, especially if he’d not yet even been out in public en femme. In his case, the “damn the torpedoes” approach was not the way to go but I suppose time will tell. -
I don’t think anyone is unclear as to your position Caty. This thread has less to do with “Are We There Yet?” and much more to do with considering all the implications of what someone chooses without consultation.
With the Bob situation, it has got a touch murkier. It has come out in the wash that Bob has been taking do-it-yourself-hormones which was a highly unpredictable thing to do 20 years ago when I first heard of them and I have seen nothing that changes my opinion since.
This may explain a lot!
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Thank you Emma,
“DIY” anyhting if you dont know what you are doing is very dangerous, (that’s why an old friend of mine said I should not be trusted with even a blunt chisel. LOL).
So yes Bob has been taking very risky decisions and it seems, far too many of them in haste.
Somehow some way I’m sure we all hope he gets out of this mess.
Caty
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Oh Lordy!
