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Sexuality
As usual during the wee hours when shocking, evil and disgusting thoughts occur I drifted into the taboo subject of one’s sexuality. I can hear the ears pricking up and the sly and filthy ideas racing around the myriad of brains who chance to log in to the Forum. Transgender people insist they are all heterosexual, at least it is what we are led to believe. Now we all know that such a notion would be utterly false as there are numerous variations on sexuality as there are gender variations. Sexuality much akin to the gender spectrum is indeed wide. How many times have we heard, if you wear women’s clothes, (or vice versa) you must be a poof. ‘No, you don’t understand, it’s not like that” And we convince ourselves that we are indeed ‘normal’ there is no such animal. Now, over the years I have considered my own sexuality, and not just once but many times. I’m happily married (reasonably so) to a fine woman and have been for fifty five years (two women), I’m not gay. At a consultation a few years ago with Dr Fintan Harte in Melbourne, the good Doctor asked me who do you prefer, men or women? my knee jerk reaction was, ‘women of course’. ”then you are a lesbian”. I’d never considered such a notion before, but from then on I most certainly did, and the thinking has continued ever since. No, I think it would be futile to bury one’s head in the sand and not consider where we are on that sexuality spectrum, and it is a spectrum. Over the years of thoughts and considerations I have decided that I must be at least bi sexual, or, as I age at an apparently increasing rate, I think I am asexual, in other words I couldn’t give a damn and have totally lost interest in sexual activity. I’ve done my bit for humanity, I’ve produced a girl (middle aged woman) and a boy (approaching a middle aged man). Without doubt the testosterone in my frail body has decreased to a level of zilch, hence the boobs increase in size without the aid of artificial hormones, useless creams and potions. And so as I traverse the sexuality spectrum through life, it’s a matter of something else to think about and tick off on the growing list of issues we ‘let go’.
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8 Replies
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As a newbie i actually thought i would be in the minority in not being attracted to men.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
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Yes, it would be a terrible thing indeed if trans people imported or created types of narrowed identity which bear little relation to the amazing complexity of human sexuality! I guess there is always the danger of engaging in the ‘politics of respectability’ to move things forward. Not least on a personal level, it seems to me that we are truly part of a rainbow of sexual desires, expressions and relationships. A good deal of the time it can seem very cloudy though
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Personally I think this thread is an incredibly important one, thanks for initiating it. As has been said and seems to be more widely accepted the spectrum is indeed broader than has been thought of in the past.. I have wondered if the purely heterosexual or purely homosexual exists in any great proportion. As children we seem to gravitate towards our own gender, although I did prefer to be with the girls they would shun me too. A primary school teacher’s favourite punishment for a misbehaving boy was to put them with the girls. If only she knew.
I have been out on dinner dates with males, as Claire,while I did enjoy the experience I wasn’t attracted enough to them to pursue any deeper relationship. But, as a friend once said, maybe I just hadn’t met the right one?
But I have always favoured and identify with the expression, ‘I’m a lesbian in a male body’ as being accurate as far as i was concerned. -
Liz, you’ve done it again. This is something that has been on my mind for ages. The whole question of sexuality has been bugging me for a long time. First off on the question of gender, I am somewhere on the female side of the spectrum and now live and dress accordingly. Sexuality, I have no idea.
Until I started transitioning I saw myself as a heterosexual male. Now I believe that it is the person aand not their sex, or perceived sex, that would attract me. Where that leaves me I don’t know. How much of my upbringing revolved around the unspoken messages of, “” your a male so you like females” is difficult to tell. I did meet someone and we were married for 32 wonderful years aand we had 3 terrific children. My partner died nearly 8 years ago and about a year after that I started transitioning,. I found at that time my views/beliefs on on what was acceptable and what is not had changed. ! I have never been a a particularly sexual person and I do not pursue relationships, but I find that now I am more open to relationships regardless of the sex of the person. I think the personality of the person is much more interesting.
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Hi Jen, I knew it, one’s sexuality is private, taboo, supposedly never considered or thought about. That notion is utter bullshit, as humans we are primarily sexual beings, if we weren’t then the human race would have died out squillions of years ago. I believe our sexuality can change over the period of a lifetime, or even fluctuate, and why not? I’ve never been attracted to males, shudder the thought, but then I live cocooned in isolation around feminine ideas, thoughts and of course, ballet. I’m a ballet nut from way back). And just what are we going to do about this sexuality bit; nothing, it’s something we live with, day in day out, usually without giving it a thought, it’s part of us. Travel well my good friend.
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What an insightful and thought provoking series. I truly admire all of you for the candidness of your posts.
Like Abi_66, I am a newbie. I also have life experiences, legacies and trigger points which I think can relate with those of a number of the contributors.
Nonetheless I think my en-femme excursions in public will probably be limited to social gatherings of like souls. Then again ???
A heartfelt thanks to TgR -
Hi All,
This has been a really nuanced discussion (and it’s a pity that the mass media finds it impossible to move beyond the dichotomy of heterosexual-homosexual). I’ve always had fantasies about women and men, and although my sexuality is definitely biased toward hetero physical and emotional relationships, I’ve had extremely ‘colourful’ fantasies about guys when dressed. A couple of years ago I met a guy who is a really nice person and ‘stepped over the line’ with him (I know, I know. not a particularly good metaphor). The results were more than satisfying (albeit less satisfying than the afterglow that applies when I am with a woman) and we have been in a loose, but relatively long-term relationship since then. So, like most correspondents I agree that sexuality is as fluid as gender itself, and we need to stand firm against the continuing pressure to force us all into what is a false binary.
Veronica
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It is a very thought provoking question and I doubt anyone could really answer it truly without searching our conscience and wondering what we wanted out of life. But that’s a half answer. More importantly, lets say, A person did meet anther and was sexually attracted to them, what does the other consenting person want or need! Is is sexuality, is it need to be recognized, is it a want to express our inner desires and be accepted for them, or is it just a moment in time that is treasured. Me for one, am in a very satisfying heterosexual long term relationship and have wondered at times what it would be like to experience a feeling with another. But for me, its a fleeting thought that is aligned to how I feel when I’m comfortable and dressed. I don’t think there is any substance to it as I love my partner and would never cross those boundaries.
