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Society does accept Transgender
In the last year, since starting to write about my Tg journey, I have come to realise that I really enjoy writing. I’ve always enjoyed conversing with people & I enjoy a good debate as well – either side.
Tonight though, I just wanted to share some thoughts that have been developing over the last 4 months.
In late July 2012, I for the first time ever went about my day (in public) presenting as female (well, trying to). Since that day I have at no point returned to my former presentation as a male bodied person.
In retrospect, my transition started the day I realised I was a Tg person, around October/November 2011, within a couple of weeks I told my partner of 22 years that I had finally worked out (at age 47) what was ‘wrong’ with me. As I learned about gender & transgender I would pass that information on to my partner in order to educate her at a similar pace to my learning. Late February I told my mum, I also told my most loyal client (& friend) & a key business associate. The reaction from all was acceptance. Soon after, I started telling my neighbours & other friends as I bumped into them. Except for one business friend all were quite accepting & a number of them were very supportive. As I was coming to realise that acceptance was the norm for me, I continued to inform all people who I came into contact with on a repeat basis. There was one more person who had a problem but that person is of no significance to me anyway. So far only two people that I had told had a problem.
I became increasingly aware that the people I knew & associated with had no problem with my gender understanding, in fact many were (& remain) very supportive & concerned for both mine & my partners wellbeing. These people cover almost the full spectrum of people in our society.
I pondered, why are my experiences different to the views espoused by many other Tg people that I was reading about?
There will be many reasons why but I think two are of particular importance.
I’m an experiential person, I like first hand experience over other peoples opinions. Also, as mentioned at the beginning, I am a communicator (translate; I talk alot đ )
My gut tells me, that because I actually went out to find out for myself & because I continually communicated with those around me, everybody concerned was a part of my journey. We all learned (some already understood) about Tg & the associated issues. It was a shared journey.
I am concerned that much of the fear & anxiety that is experienced by Tg people who I read about is possibly based on hear say rather than real experience. It is possible that when negative views are expressed about societies lack of acceptance of ‘us’, that the reader takes that on board as an unquestionable reality, reinforcing the fear & anxiety without justification.Another of my gut feelings is that, rather than assuming society needs to accept ‘us’, we collectively need to understand that on the whole society does not treat us badly & they do accept us & most other people for that matter.
If anyone else out there truly feels differently then I guess I must just be very,very lucky as my experiences are not only O.K. they are often very good.
I hope this gives encouragement to those who fear societies reaction.Moderator
Quote:I’ve copied this post into the moderated forums as I believe it has a value outside the personal blog. The copy function is a bit under-used (read – untested) and it should leave the original blog post in situ – but transfer all the followup comments to a normal forum posting. If it doesn’t look right to you – please let me know and I’ll investigate -
19 Replies
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Chloe,
I too watch the mixed reception that others either receive in society or more often fear they will receive. Your analysis of the factors that you think account for such a positive outcome is good and thought provoking.
Whilst I don’t present in a gender ambiguous way at work (or I try not to) – I do live most of the rest of my life projecting my femininity – through clothes, physical features, and lifestyle choices. For several years now I’ve been very comfortable being ‘me’ in public, and, like you, I haven’t received the much feared backlash from partner, family, friends, or society at large.
I see some shared aspects to our experiences that might explain us having such a charmed life. Hopefully they might provide clues for others to anticipate the reactions they will get.
1. The Message
Part of society’s reaction to us seems to depend on what message we are giving.The message I send is “I’m a boy who is very much a girl inside”. It seems that this is something that few people find challenging. I don’t care if others accept me because “I must be gay” or if they explore deeper and discover this isn’t the case – it isn’t for me to demand the level to which they engage in exploring gender diversity. Even my 91 year old father recently observed that he saw no evidence that the world was cleanly split between boys and girls. The message doesnât challenge conventional norms based on binary genders but rather invites the listener to acknowledge the existence of other personas outside these norms. I think this to some degree encourages shared discoveries and mutual learning.
On the other hand I see many who confront society with the message âI am a womanâ. The reaction they get is more mixed. Though many of the institutions of society accommodate this message (largely due to some recent enlightened changes to legislation) I feel the general public does not as a whole. The assertion that you wish to be considered as, and treated identically to, a woman is an open challenge to the way most individuals view the world. It doesnât question the society norm of there being two genders, but rather attempts to blur what each binary gender actually is. A lot of people, and certainly partners and family find this message very difficult to relate to and consequently often resist it. Iâm not for one moment suggesting that many of those projecting this message do not genuinely feel they belong in the âwomanâ box â but rather the reaction they get from the public is, to a large degree, understandable.
The final message I hear is âIâm just a crossdresserâ. The implication of this message is a request for society to treat the person as a ânormalâ man but allow for their desire to express femininity through clothing. The common response to this is an acceptance (often heavily qualified). Reactions range from it being an OK thing to do in private if you want, to perhaps an accepting amusement (particularly by shops). The reaction of the public to crossdressing outside the house or sheltered support groups does appear to be mixed. And I think it depends heavily on a second factor.
2. The Attitude
In the public forum good things seem to come to those who those who project an aura of total confidence in who they are. It doesnât matter if you feel you are a woman, or if you just dress up for the occasion, if you project fear, inferiority, or discomfort then the reaction of the public can just make matters worse.
I know this sounds a bit like one of those self-help books in the airport bookshop but truly âBelieve in Yourself and People Will Be Forced to Believe in Youâ. Itâs beyond me to suggest how you as an individual can achieve this â perhaps you should buy a book! But there are many examples of people in our community who project their self-belief.
It is years since I came out of the closet, but for much of the time afterwards I felt I was exploring gender â trying to find a way out of what was still a confusing situation for me. Fairly recently I stopped trying to apologise for âcrossdressing in publicâ and for ânot wanting to transition to a womanâ and became proud of exactly who I was. With that pride came a confidence that allowed me to organise mega-events such as TransFormal, tell my friends, and present a positive image of âmeâ. In all of that I have never encountered anything more adverse than an occasional double look.
So my conclusion is that a lot of the reaction you get from society is a result of the message you need to project, and the confidence with which you project it.
Iâm guessing that Chloe ticked both boxes.
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Couldn’t have said it better myself (really I couldn’t), I have noticed that oddities in the public forum don’t rate much more than a second glance these days. In saying this of course I don’t mean that we are odd but rather we differ from the communities perception of normal, much the same as someone in a multicoloured Mohawk and three kilo’s of body piercings would.
People see a man in a dress, look again and maybe say something to their partner like “That was a guy in a dress!!” and two minutes later the guy in the dress is forgotten. There are also those of us (definitely not me I might add) that can walk out in public unnoticed, I only wish I could. I recently saw a young guy following two girls around his age, they were obviously together by their behaviour but the guy was several meters behind them. He was dressed in normal clothes for someone his age, except for a pink frilly skirt that had been added to his ensemble. I think he had done it for a dare as the girls were constantly looking back and telling him to hurry up, but the odd thing was even such a blatant act didn’t one comment or anything more than a second look from passers by.
So yes I think that your attitude does affect the attitude of the people around you, go boldly forward and act confident and and people will accept you for what you are.
Hugs Pamela!
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Afternoon all whom have posted in here and to also to all on TGR.
What the three “posters” have said is all very admirable and no doubt holds true in any major city or town.
But out here in “Hicksville” and at least in my case, where the village gossips and in particular a very nasty neighbour would have a field day if Caty emerged on “Main Street Hicksville”, it dont work quite so well.
So I’m wondering if any other “regional” TGR members are in the same situation.
Also, “Hicksville” would not be a nice place for my partner to have to endure if Caty was a “regular” in the local cafes.
So Caty stays in my “Sheduior” and “macho me” lives outside it
Happy Dressing everyone,
Caty
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Quote:But out here in “Hicksville” and at least in my case, where the village gossips and in particular a very nasty neighbour would have a field day if Caty emerged on “Main Street Hicksville”, it dont work quite so well.
Unfortunately, this is the fear scenario. It doesn’t actually tell us what would be the attitude of people to someone who presents with the right combination of message and confidence in Hicksville. It speculates an outcome – which may be true. But it leaves us not knowing if the fear is founded on fact.
I do know that Chloe is not a city girl, which makes me think the issue may not be as black and white as it is frequently claimed.
Quote:So I’m wondering if any other “regional” TGR members are in the same situation.Perhaps, if any other “regional” TGR members have tested the attitude of the public at large, that would be a more useful input into the discussion.
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In the interest of presenting factual information I will specify exactly where I operate from on a daily basis. Amanda, there will be no need to edit this information as I do not restrict my presentation at any time & anybody who encounters me knows immediately that I was born male, it is not a secret.
I’m not sure where ‘Hicksville’ is but I spend at least half of my week in ‘Hillbilly County’, even the true locals, descendants of land grant recipients refer to themselves as hillbillies. Look up where Bilpin is, it’s not country NSW but it sure as hell aint the city. We have a post office, hardware store come rural trader with a petrol bowser, a tiny drinking hole, a tiny petrol station & a … Oh sorry, that’s all. Furthermore, I’m a ‘blow in’, becoming an accepted local takes about 3 generations. đ
I ‘technically’ live elsewhere in the Hawkesbury Shire. I don’t wish to offend others from the area but a great deal of the residents are less than cultured. Ya know, ‘my family’ decals on the rear screen of the 4 wheel drive, the pig dog on the back of the ute & the ‘if you don’t love it, leave it’ decal next to the misused southern cross decal, ya know tha type mate.
In contrast, my business is located in an extremely affluent area of north west Sydney & caters to a range of clients, from CEO’s of companies we all know, personalities that we all watch, to the tradespeople & labourers who work for them. (Please don’t anybody ‘bash’ me about distinguishing between classes, my father was a welfare recipient for much of his life & as a child I was clothed by St Vincent de Paul & until age 16 I often stayed in womens refuges with my mother).I have not suggested that everybody wants to be my friend or that I even know what many of them actually think of me & my presentation. What I do know though, is that I have continued to go about my life just as I did prior to presenting a female form with the addition of clothing intended for women. Only very occassionally does someone struggle to hide their amusement – usually when serving me in a trades related business or petrol station. Depending upon my mood, I usually chat to them as if I already know them. The next time they serve me, they do know me & so far no one has smirked twice.
Apart from being confident & realising that my presentation is not really a big deal, I also beleive that being polite & friendly is an exceptionally powerful tool to possess & use. Most people want to be treated well, when they are treated well, most people respond accordingly. It’s very difficult to be horrible to someone who is being nice to you. This approach may require us to be the initiators of that pleasant encounter but the outcome is good for us.
I’ve actually found that when I make the effort to respond pleasantly to someone who doesn’t know how to respond to my presentation, that often the outcome is even better than when engaging with someone who accepts me regardless.I know we all have differing situations (& personalities), & I realise that there will be occassions when I’m not treated the way I would like but that’s no different to when I used to have that mohawk that Pamela mentioned. I survived the looks & comments then, I have no doubt I will happily survive presenting my gender the way I understand it.
The issue is not about being Tg, as Amanda stated the issue is mostly about confidence. I do not say that boastfully, I am grateful that I am confident but by the same token I have taken active steps to build confidence. I very sincerely believe that after accepting our gender reality, the most important thing we can do is work to build our confidence, it is necessary for all things in life.
We don’t need to change society, we are society & on the whole, society does accept difference.Moderator
Quote:I’ve copied this post into the moderated forums as I believe it has a value outside the personal blog. The copy function is a bit under-used (read – untested) and it should leave the original blog post in situ – but transfer all the followup comments to a normal forum posting. If it doesn’t look right to you – please let me know and I’ll investigate -
Re-reading what I posted earlier – I think I should stress that I was commenting within the scope of Chloe’s topic – Society attitudes to Transgender.
When I wrote:Quote:Unfortunately, this is the fear scenario. It doesn’t actually tell us what would be the attitude of people to someone who presents with the right combination of message and confidence in Hicksville. It speculates an outcome – which may be true. But it leaves us not knowing if the fear is founded on fact.I was not commenting on the often justifiable fear we have of telling partners and loved ones.
I would not like anyone reading my positive comments about acceptance in society to assume that the same thing automatically goes for relationships.
Attitudes to Transgender in society are I think a lot more liberal and accepting than many partners. The former can I believe be embraced without fear – the latter should be approached with great caution and sensitivity. -
“Well revised” Amanda/Adrian,
When I read yours and Choloe’s very detailed and very well founded thoughts on the specifics of Chloe’s topic, I was somewhat taken aback about your initial comments.
As is well known within this forum, my “other half” does not know about Caty and I dont want her to. Also, even if my version of “Hicksville” would accept Caty, that does not take into account how my beloved would cope with the concept of “everyone knowing” .
And I’m just not prepared to put her in a situation where she even has to contemplate such an event.
Regards to one and all,
Caty
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Chloe is pretty right in her thoughts on where she as an indivual presenting at the very least andro. Much like me, I’m the same and treat everyone as I would like to be treated. Again and again it is stressed that confidence comes with self acceptance, something one has to work hard at, it doesn’t come easy. But in the end it’s worth it.
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Amen Sistaz!
I guess I’m kind of lucky, as I’ve been in a supportive relationship with a wonderful lady who was a lesbian when we met. (and she says she still is…)
*giggle*
Yet despite her encouragement, it still took me ten years to become comfortable with myself.
These days Iâm âMeâ every single day! Itâs so wonderful and Iâm so happy! 
AAAAAANNNNNDDDD Youâre SO RIGHT!!!
For me, the key is confidence!
(easier said than⊠dressedâŠ)
Rockân around, dressed like a chick, doing everything normally, as if nothing is unusual and everything is normal!
BECAUSE IT IS NORMAL!!!I honestly did not expect that society in general would ânot even bat the proverbial eyelidâ!?!
no one seems to mind at all!
And I have to admitâŠ
;)” title=”>;)” class=”bbcode_smiley” /> for someone like me, that was kind of disappointing! >;P *bwahahaha*
So now Iâm dressing a little more outrageously so I turn at least a few headsâŠ
Itâs too much fun not to do! soooooooooâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠ!
DO IT!!!!!!!;D” title=”>;D” class=”bbcode_smiley” />
Lvz
KaTgirl -
I always love reading your posts. They are beautifully structured and have purpose. It’s wonderful to see a person with positive experiences in life sharing and supporting others. I look forward to seeing more from you.
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Even though I have very little experience with coming out/going out (just the one jaunt out in sydney to date) I do know that a smile can quickly change someones mood. This applies to all different situations, even the macabe. Just recently I have lost someone extremely close to me and everyone who comes to the door does so with tears in their eyes. I have found that a big smile and a hug makes even the most upset people feel a lot more at ease.
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Thank you to all who have replied in this thread so far, I value all the comments.
Amanda, I particularly agree with your thoughts on the subject, it is very encouraging to know that my experiences are not unusual. Would love to hear from anyone else with thoughts or experiences that relate.
Bridgette-Annise, a big thanks for your very kind words, I really appreciate it. You’ve just been written into my will (for what that’s worth). đ -
I guess that fear is the underlying aspect of our lives that controls our perception of what will happen if…. No one can predict with any real accuracy the outcome of any situation, that requires a gut wrenching admission such as coming out as a TG/TS/CD or whatever. It really remains in the realms of the ‘suck it and see’ scenario, to reveal the real reactions and opinions of our own societies, big or small.
As Chloe has said the only way to overcome the fear is to try and build confidence in yourself, but then you still have to contend with the decision of whether to come out to your neighbours or not. Confidence in yourself does not necessarily mean you have confidence in the opinions or acceptance of other people.
Nothing is a given, untill it’s out there and the dust has settled.
I do however love your attitude’s Chloe and Amanda
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Hi Pamela, I agree with all your points but would like to add;
Quote:As Chloe has said the only way to overcome the fear is to try and build confidence in yourself, but then you still have to contend with the decision of whether to come out to your neighbours or not. Confidence in yourself does not necessarily mean you have confidence in the opinions or acceptance of other people.You are quite right but having confidence in yourself means that the opinions of others only need matter to them. We don’t have to take their opinions on board, not even as baggage.
As for their acceptance, if they don’t accept me then why would I want to associate with them anyway? -
Chloe you are of course absolutely right, I have reached a point where I don’t care what other people think of me.
Unfortunately though a lot of people place a great deal of importance on the opinions of others even if they shouldn’t or don’t really matter. My wife worries constantly about what people think even though the people she is worried about wouldn’t know us from Eve. This could be due to a lack of confidence but I think sometimes it’s just a reaction to her efforts to fit in and not stand out.
Addendum
Sorry had to edit this to clarify it to myself. I am totally confident in myself and my ability to go out in public as myself. However I do not want to embarrass my wife, even though I don’t believe that she has anything to be embarrassed about, so I don’t go out as Pamela in public in my home town. Being confident in myself is fine, but I do have to consider the feelings of my wife and my family.
Hugs Pamela!
