-
Some of my observations regarding being Transgender.
I have talked about and read about being Trans for many years and though all of what I have observed has been stated before I thought that it may be of some use to those who are only recently embarked on their ownTransgender journey, to put down my thoughts in one place.
So here goes, but before I do I want to make it very clear that these are only my own opinions. Clear?Firstly, your Transgender feelings will not go away. While you may deny them, purge as many times as you want, hate what you are , marry to ” cure” yourself, feel all the guilt and shame that you can muster, it will not go away.
The only long term conclusion is to try and come to terms with yourself and embrace your inner needs.Secondly, there is nothing intrinsically wrong in what you are feeling! Human behaviour is notable for it’s diversity. If humans can do something , they will. We are part of that diversity, a genuine variety of human expression. Any standards of Masculinity and Femininity are merely Social Constructs. Everyone has the right to express their SELVES , as they see fit.
Other people will not always accept you as you would wish!Try as you might to convince others that you are ” genuine”, it will not always work out how you wish. I understand that the young mostly need to be accepted into a peer group. This will change as you get older. While I cannot say I don’t care what other people think of me, I no longer do so to the extent that it will stop me from doing what I want with my life. One exception is my child and her family though, luckily they let me express myself without their censure.
Most people do not give a Damn what you do We can spend a lot of energy worrying what others are thinking about us but can never really KNOW what that is unless they tell us. If in doubt then ask them. They will usually be more accepting about it than you think or be genuinely disinterested. They have their own lives to lead and are usually too busy to be worried about others. If you are accepting of yourself then what they think will matter less to you. ( refer to number one.)
Standards of “male and female” behaviour are bunkum! Every Society has it’s own standards of male and female behaviour. We are lucky to live in one that allows for a wide range of self expression. It all depends on your courage to do what you want. there may be, however , a price to pay! I have lost one or two narrow minded friends as well as a couple of sexual partners who could not accept living with me if I wanted to be myself. I could, however, have lost them for any number of less profound reasons ( eg I fart in bed!) I feel that this is what I must pay for the precious gift of Freedom to be ME!
I have vowed to myself that I will never again ask anyone for permission to be MYSELF! I have also changed how I measure ACCEPTANCE. I used to think that I needed people to LIKE what I did, to see me as I saw myself. They won’t!! Acceptance for me now is that they accept that I am the way I am they don’t have to like me!You do have a CHOICE in all this. While I fully accept that we may not have a choice in how we FEEL, we certainly have a choice in what we do about it. The fact that many TG folk can hide that fact for all their lives is proof of this choice. It all depends on how strong you need to express it. Most of us have been in the closet and we know how lonely and frightening it is to live this way. The fear of discovery, of losing our loved ones,our jobs, social position and friends is real. If you are able to live this way and CHOOSE to do that, then good on you. You are stronger than I am. I could not take the strain and so chose to be more open about myself. It is hard for anyone to do this, not just TG folk. History is full of suitable role-models of those who have chosen the open route in life. Find one and be inspired if you want to proceed this way.
Lastly , you may end up alone in order to be FREE. I suggest that you work at being self sufficient and less needy of others in order to feel happy. This will have a twofold affect. One is that you will be more independent and cope better with negative opinions from others but will also make you a better match for another ( potential) partner. You will be less inclined to depend on others and be more able to support others less strong than you. Leaning on others is not a successful ploy at any time, eventually they will ” move” and you will have to fall!I accept that this may be seen as very preachy and I am not putting myself up as any paragon of trans existence. I do however tend to see the same issues being confronted by others on the same journey as those of us older travelers. I just thought it may be of some assistance to those just now beginning their Trans journeys.
-
7 Replies
-
Fantastic post Christina ,we older girls have had this going on for some time ,but as ive got older ive become a little more relaxed with who i am but gee iI,m very lucky as most of my familly know about the real me . Once again Christina thankyou for your post. regards jacqui .
-
Thanks Christina, that’s a very clear concise statement of how it really is.
-
I am building a website as a journal of my journey and have thought about the extent to which I see me as ‘transgendered’. I guess the research would say ‘yes’ but over time I now see just an integrated albeit complex me.
Looking in a mirror as I transform used to bring out the life long male view that men don’t wear dresses and makeup. Now I just see one part of me gaining self expression.
-
I’ve recently set myself up in my own place and have finally allowed my feminine side to fully blossom and I have almost become the woman I always knew I should have been. I say almost because I have yet to embark on the HRT road, being a late starter I’ve just allowed things to develop and to be honest, the results have amazed me. The interests and pursuits I knew and loved in my past life have all but disappeared, nowadays I surround myself with girly things and deck out my unit accordingly.
As for the present there are few times when I need to revert back to boyworld, …and for that I have kept just one change of male clothing, out of sight and out of mind in a small bottom drawer. My 2 grown daughters are sympathetic toward me and we do laugh and joke about the ever present dangers of wearing heels too often. Still, I find it hard to talk with them, to mention that I prefer to wear sensible flats any day, and even harder to talk about my double life, although I long to share with them the happiness and excitement that I feel. For them I will always be dad, and I have to keep those clothes solely for that purpose, unless time eventually removes that worry and I can be free with my girls.
Another strange reason for keeping those male duds is that from time to time I must go to retrieve belongings from my old address. Now as I step outside my door in drab I fear that my new neighbours may wonder what the heck is going on …Like, wtf ??
I lived there in my old home for 30 years and had good friendships with my 2 elderly Italian neighbours. I’d hate to cause them a heart attack if I rocked up sometime in my favourite girly clobber. I hate how I had to leave their lives, …we were all so friendly for so long and I’m sure they loved me, ..but I had to leave without explanation, I didn’t know how I could ever make them understand. For them I have a heartfelt sadness.Jannine
-
Whilst I totally agree with Christina on her observations in her well written post, my complete empathy goes out to Jannine. I guess we would (at least many of us) would like to live pretty much full time in femme mode.
Having adult daughters who endeavour to accept Jannine on the surface but to them she really is still ‘Dad’ is difficult to say the least. I guess most of us are in some way compelled to occasionally dress in drab, mostly to placate relatives or our intrinsic fear of being discovered by unaware friends or relatives. What a dilemma?
For myself I continue to work on those who don’t totally accept ‘Liz’. Maybe I’ll win out, or then maybe I won’t, but it will not be for the lack of trying.
-
Welcome back to the forums Christina. I didn’t find it preachy at all, in fact I thought it a very well written manifesto of your chrystallined experience that closely matches my own views. Thank you for sharing.
-
I could rave on until the cows come home about my personal experiences being transgender. ..But being an emotional tragic It wouldn’t be long before the tears start rolling down my cheeks, …for I have led a ‘different’ life, far removed from what some would call ‘normal’ by any means.
For all my life I have experienced emotions on a much different level than most people would have, ..I have often wondered why I could never ‘man up’ and stare adversity in the face, bite the bullet and get on with being male.
God knows I have tried, but I now have resigned myself to the fact that I just have a female brain, with female sensitivities and feelings, experiencing the whole gamut of joy, sorrow, anger, love and everything possible in between.I cry like a baby at the drop of a hat, I can and do multitask, …I love the pressure of having to complete many tasks in a short time frame. I love clothing of all types, colours, and styles and feel comfortable wearing fashions from all eras. I spend money like it grows on trees, I constantly buy makeup items and junk jewelery to pretty myself.
I dream about items of clothing that I want, but don’t need. I want a lady’s bicycle, so that I can peddle leisurely to the shops for groceries. My favourite clothing items are leggings and flat shoes, I can move comfortably and quickly, the freedom is fabulous and my clothes are my true fountain of youth. I feel like a woman of 30. I tidy my home and take pride in my feminine knick-knack collection. I like flowers and have placed some around me. I adore a clothesline full of pretty colored clothing and display it to the world like a badge of honour. I love it when men notice me, and try hard to act indifferently, as if I don’t care. I get insanely jealous of younger pretty faces and wish that I could turn back the clock and regain my once girly good looks also. Gawd, I wish I wasn’t over the hill and down the other side. I love music and I dance, grooving to tunes that never previously moved me. Wow !! …I love it. ..Now.I have an ever present need to explain my journey to all people, whether they understand me or not. I don’t care if I bore them, ..I care more about my story and maybe I’ll write a book. That’ll show ’em. I cannot accept that other women can sometimes look upon me as not being ‘the full penny’, …for they are who I long to be accepted by, way more than my own transgender community …and this feeling has long run deep within me. Lesbians can be and are hostile towards me, but at the very back of my mind I just know that I shall get through to them one day… I love them, they are women.
In the words of Sonny and Cher, …”The beat goes on”
Jannine
