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Suicide in our community
Hi girls ,,, i have copied this from another group in the interest of hoping to stop this from happening ,,,,
judy
From: Denise Plus
Date: 09/11/05 11:53:10
To: stg2002@yahoogroups.com.au
Subject: [stg2002] Our lostHi Girls,
I have been wondering for a couple of days now how
to write this and I haven’t come up with anything to
say other that just telling you what has happened.We have so very sadly lost three members of our
trans community here in Melbourne this year, by their
own hand. One a CD, one a post-op TS and one a
dragqueen. Two were members of our Melbourne Tgirls
Yahoo group.We received a plea from Linda who is the wife of a
Melbourne Tgirls member Jacqui who was a CD and one of
those girls we sadly lost. I urge anyone who is
struggling with TG issues to please, please do as
Linda suggests below.Love Denise
(I am posting this in several TG groups as its so
important.)****
Earlier this year, my husband took his own life.
Although he had suffered from depression for some
time, this still came as a terrible shock. No one can
tell me why my husband killed himself. Why he felt
that was the only solution to his problems. We can
speculate and imagine, but only he knows the whole
truth. His death has left many saddened. He was a
great teacher for others. Outwardly to his friends and
colleagues he was capable, self assured and
comfortable in his own skin. The truth was very
different.He had struggled with gender issues for much of his
adult life. Moving through many stages and phases,
ranging from apparent acceptance of his need to cross
dress to total rejection for the female persona he
knew as Jacqui. In his search for answers, his need to
find a label that he felt comfortable with he visited
psychologist and psychiatrists, gender reassignment
specialist, counselors and quacks. With each new label
he seemed to gain a greater level of acceptance until
something caused him to stop and think about himself
more closely, discovering that the label didnt’t quite
fit.As his wife, I supported him in his journey to
discover himself and to find peace in the reality of
his desire to cross dress. I read books, visited
websites. I encouraged him to make contact with groups
of like-minded people, to share his experience with
others in the hope that by doing so he might find
comfort in the knowledge that he was not alone in
this.At time I felt my support was gratefully received,
but at other times it was as if the very support I
offered put him under greater pressure. Made it more
difficult for him to hide from the truth. It was a
difficult journey for us both. Never quite knowing
what to do for the best.Jacquie’s journey I am sorry to say is not so very
different to the journey many take when exploring the
issue of gender displacement. Embraced and rejected,
the conflict that my husband felt over not being as he
felt he ‘should be’ is an all to common one. My
husband was greatly skilled at hiding the truth. Never
fully being honest to those who would willingly offer
him support and guidance. Never being truly open with
his feelings with those who cared for him. I believe
that the greatest struggle he had was with himself,
his inability to accept who he was. He constantly
tried to find a place for himself within the
stereotypical ‘male’ role.We talked many times about my belief that there
are few black and whites in life, that all humanity
our sexuality, our gender are all just different
shades of grey. That the stereotype really was just
that, and not real for most people. I urged my husband
to accept who he was, that if he felt like wearing a
dress, to wear one. That the biggest issue was not
what he wore but his need for acceptance of self.Unfortunately, my husband never came to a full
acceptance of himself.If we can learn anything from his death, I would
hope that we could learn the lessons of understanding
and the need to ask for help. Had my husband been able
to truly ask for help, been truly able to be honest
with they way he felt, perhaps, just perhaps I would
not be writing this now. Perhaps he would be alive
today.I am one women, this is the story of my experience
with the man I loved. Please I urge anyone who reads
this to think about their own lives, about the people
who dearly love them. If you need help. ASK, and KEEP
asking until you get the type of help that is right
for you. We are all different.I offer my help to anyone who needs it. Please
don’t hesitate to contact me if you feel that I maybe
able to offer you assistance on your journey.Linda
Email: Iwantpeacetoday@hotmail.com
****
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6 Replies
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Judy & others,
I saw this post as well.
It really re-enforces the need that we must talk to and look after each other.
No problem is insurmountable but we need to communicate at all times (good & bad) and not hold issues within ourselves that may lead to hurting ourselves or other people who care.Cheers,
Wendy
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Community is the only real way we are going to cease the addition to the ever growing list of those who couldnt seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel, their problems seeming too insurmountable to continue. Our community needs to look after its own to end these needless tragedies.
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Sticking together is the key here, as already indicated. Whether the subject is only makeup hassles, or something of a serious nature like the topic above and anything in between, we are all one big “family”. I agree wholeheartedly, if you have a question, yell out. There will be at least one other person who has been through whatever it is as well, I’m quite sure that everyone agrees with that. This is from the heart, “if we have the chance to, we can make a difference”. Think about it girls, it’s true.
My heart goes out to Jacquis’ family, she must have have been through a very agonising time as well as them. May she rest in peace.
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After a marriage breakup last year, I have received an enormous amount of support from everybody. I have had the cap on the other foot (?) with other girls supporting them with their problems. The stem of this being we are a very supportive community and we ought to look at how fortunate we are to have that support. As one we can make a difference, split into fations we can’t.
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Such a sad story. Just before I joined TR I had a lot of problems and was pushed close to the edge. Talking about it helps and as the previous posts says the help is here and I know now is so true.
As Wendy said even though posted awhile ago “communicate at all times and look after each other”, so true. And yes Helen we are a very supportive community and are fortunate to have that support. I feel safe now with others here just like myself.
I notice a lot of new girls coming though recently. Please if you need help talk to someone and don’t keep it in, there are some wonderful people here who can help you.
God bless,
Melanie -
Hi girls
Really sad to hear of these deaths and my heart felt sympathy to those left behind and wondering why. Having reached a suicidal state of mind a few years ago I thought I might be able to offer a couple of thoughts for what they are worth. Also working in health and dealing with mental health and suicides has given me many perspectives on the subject.
I notice Linda in her letter mentions the amount of support and help that Jacqi had around her and indeed Linda appears to be a very loving, accepting and supporting person. One problem from the depressed persons point of view is that you are just becoming a burden and no amount of reassurance to the contrary changes this perception. Linda touches on this when she says that she sometimes felt that the very support she offered increased the burden. Linda also implores those struggling with these issues to ask and keep asking until you get the help you need but from this black perspective it is just not out there. As humans it is very difficult to feel as though we are in a position where we just take, take, take and not put anything back. These feelings can be compounded by the perception of other peoples seemingly ‘normal’ lives and coping skills.
In the end you just tend to do a stocktake of your whole self worth and it becomes easy to put a negative spin on everything. Ultimately I just somehow felt ‘infected’ with something bad and did not want to infect others. The outward impressions of the total opposite become very easy to fake and hence you suffer in silence and get eaten from the inside out.Some of the most useful help I received was from people who made it feel like a two way street. One wonderful girlfriend would say ‘lets go out to lunch, I want to go out and don’t have anyone to go with’. Or another friend who once said ‘You know this is really interesting talking to you. It helps me to learn about gender issues as I had no idea about it before”. Not patronising comments but simply a chance to not feel like a sponge.
It may also be worth noting that the assumption here is that it is all about gender issues when in fact as I mentioned previously it becomes a self worth issue. Gender may the whole issue, only part of the issue or none of it.
In closing I would say that suicide is a complex and difficult issue with no textbook answers. I have seen many loved ones left in disbelief and hurt and I have looked into the eyes of many people and recognised their feeling of utter hopelessness and felt powerless to change it. Ultimately these views are born from my own personal experiences and it just reinforces that you can never really know what another person is thinking or see life through their eyes. Never ever stop trying to help but bear in mind that at times your best efforts might never prevent a suicide so never take it personally or see it as a failure on your behalf.
In the end self acceptance can only be achieved by ourself but general acceptance by society would go a long way to helping you achieve it.
My love to all those affected in some way by this.
Chrissy
