-
Telling Your Wife
Perhaps it’s a sign that I am getting older, but in recent times I have received many requests along the lines of “How did you tell your wife?” I have offered my own experience, but feel these quotes from author Lacey Leigh pretty much hit the button.
Firstly, questions to ask:
(Quote)1. Do you have a real marriage? If love, communication, trust, and mutual respect are present then success is guaranteed. No one said it will be easy. However marriages face all sorts of challenges and most end up making the marriage stronger. A crossdressing husband is fairly benign compared to bankruptcy, the death of a child, or the specter of cervical cancer.
2. Can the inevitable breach of trust be repaired? Of course it can. The necessary requirements are empathy, patience, effort, and a desire for a successful outcome. And knowledge. Not the kind you’ll pick up from whining, complaining, bitching ‘friends’ in CD groups, by the way. Most of them derive comfort only in shared misery. There are thousands who will tell you that you can’t. They are half right; THEY can’t. Especially when they cop to all the justifying pathologies, fears of change, and minimum expectations.
3. Are you willing to make adjustments for the good of your marriage? Certainly for a wife to tolerate and accept a TG husband, some changes on her part will be helpful in advancing things along. Is she the only one who is expected to modify? If your sole reaction to being shown marital tolerance is to declare your intention to live happily ever after in girl clothes, perhaps your wife IS better off without you. Marriage involves compromise. It’s important to arrive at a point of accord that provides comfort for both partners.(Unquote)Lacey goes on to say:
(Quote) The basic ‘secret’ is quite simple: “Darling, I need your help.” This simple statement invokes the contract of trust, support, and counsel that is inherent in every true marriage. The rest is honesty, communication, and love.
My wife Tara and I have been married for 36 years – going on forever. Were it not for her, I wouldn’t be involved in TG advocacy at all. Not only has she helped me by encouraging, cheerleading, and comforting, but also her woman’s perspective has been priceless in finding my place in this universe in general and this culture in particular. It was she who insisted I ‘walk the walk’ as a living, breathing billboard of self acceptance – and she was 100% on the money! As an open crossdresser the burdens of social shame have melted away; the tyranny of lowered expectations no longer limits my choices; the dread of discovery no longer nags at my consciousness or drains my energy.
Because of her love and limitless patience that helped me cast off the pallor of what culture insisted I must be and choosing to define myself in a more empowering manner, I am happier now than ever before.(Unquote)
I hope others find this useful.
-
12 Replies
-
There is some very sound advice in those quotes Martina.
However, even if asked, I am very reluctant to share the details of the journey I went on with my partner Megan. As someone else with 30+ years of stable marriage I do think it gives one a reference perspective on which strategies produce sustainable outcomes. You see a lot of relationship wrecks along the way and also a few beacons of sanity. Navigating to the lighthouse without going ashore on the rocks is a skill we all find we need to learn when the seas get rough. So Lacey Leigh’s guidelines are a great start.
Martina wrote:Marriage involves compromise. It’s important to arrive at a point of accord that provides comfort for both partnersThe siren voices of those who see compromise as a failure to be true to yourself will lure the unwary onto the relationship rocks. This has been discussed before many times on Tgr for instance here forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/F436/5331-compromised-life . Generally those sirens who advocated for lack of compromise don’t seem to be members of TgR any more. Is this significant – will they have happy relationships 20 years on?
There is one significant factor that I would have added to Lacey Leigh’s list and that is speed.
We all know that speed kills – it also causes relationship wrecks. The rock comes at you so fast there is no time to dodge it and you start getting wet feet. I believe there should be NO surprises in a solid relationship – well certainly no unpleasant ones. Soften hard decisions with hints that change may be coming, give the crew time to put on their life jackets, and go slow enough to navigate on a safe course. -
Very profound and wise observations from both ladies.
Well expressed – well done. -
Good reflections
I guess – to add to the compromise issue and to add a cliche (!) – every situation is different. What works out for one couple won’t be the same for another. I feel though that also goes for age/generation and culture/background. Today, for many people, trans awareness – and feminist/gender changes & LGB advances which have helped open up the way – is more widespread and, slowly, trans people (at least in most circles in our society) are more, at least, tolerated. So I suspect that may ease coming out to partners – and, vitally, partners’ more positive reactions – especially for younger people. The other side of course is how well trans people respond to major revelations or less stereotypical/traditional developments in their partners own journeys! Hopefully this may thus also become less of a hidden issue too in counselling, pastoral care, church and other circles. Is there enough literature about on this yet though… -
Thanks Adrian and Josephine for your inputs which are very relevant. The main thing that attracted me to Lacey Leigh’s articulation of how to approach the problem was her first question, namely: Do you have a real marriage? This is because I have always asked a very similar question, in the first instance of myself, and then of others who have sought my advice: Is the marriage strong? Is it a true marriage?
In accord with what you have said about compromise, I have always encouraged one small step at a time. Some years ago, when I was an admin on a website called crossdresserclub.com (now defunct), there was a wife who joined out of sheer desperation after her husband revealed his passion for cross-dressing and wanted to dress at every opportunity. The husband was not a member but joined shortly afterwards, probably with his wife’s encouragement. Our advice to them was quite uniform: in brief, take a step (or two) back and work through this carefully and methodically; find your common comfort zones, find what will work for you both now and move forward from there, slowly, respecting each others’ space.
The part of Lacey Leigh’s insights that does not gel with me is the idea of having a partner who is a cheer-leader, a concept which would be extraordinary and perhaps not even desirable for the majority of us. My partner, Twiggy, gives me tremendous support in so many ways, for which I am humbly grateful, but I am relieved that she is not shouting it from the rooftops with a fanfare of trumpets; I am after all a very private person. There are agreed rules too, the main one being that we are never seen in public together (except at the Transformal of course!). This is small price to pay considering that in every other respect she is my confidante, co-conspirator, critic, carer and adviser-in-chief. I feel very lucky, as I know many do not have the privilege of being able to share, which is, I feel, a very sad thing. As Josephine says, perhaps greater public awareness and the changes that hopefully come with it will improve this situation in future years.
-
Tomorrow is my 32nd wedding anniversary. For 31 of those I was, ostensibly, a sensitive but very male man, and my sorties into crossdressing were both secret and extremely rare. We had our ups and downs but our relationship was always based on a certain amount of freedom and compromise. Not grudging compromise, but deliberate, empathetic, loving compromise. I think there was wisdom in our marriage and that we brought our son up very skilfully. In one of our ‘downs’ a few years ago, I told my wife I was a crossdresser. She still doesn’t know that that particular extremely low point was actually almost directly caused by my crossdressing propensity. It’s a strange story (involving another woman) but another story. It was such a low point that the crossdressing bit barely registered with her though. Just over a year ago I told her I intended to pursue crossdressing on a regular basis. I went in too hard. We find it difficult to discuss, and there is still a lot of secrecy. This results in some confrontational behaviour from me. She has seen me dressed but insists that she doesn’t want to again, or see pictures. I am sure she feels threatened by Tina, as she already had issues with self esteem. I don’t think we have ever had a ‘normal’ marriage but it has always been both extremely loving and practical. We are working our way through. I don’t have any fixed answers for anyone from my experience so far (which is punctuated by mistakes) but what I do know is that some of the previous advice is very sound: don’t go too fast, have compassion for each other and it is probably necessary to accept there have to be some secrets for quite some time. And everyone, and every marriage is unique – there is no formula (I was a bit nonplussed by the reference to ‘real’ marriages). I am extraordinarily grateful to her for accepting I would attend Transformal – it was the most liberating and amazing experience of my life as Tina. I think I will find I have even greater freedom in future, but I am not taking anything for granted.
I don’t know for certain if this will help anyone, but I believe that hearing others’ experiences probably does, and that’s why I have posted this.
-
Hi all,
I’ve had two shots at doing this. One with my ex over 40 years ago, that resounding thud you heard back then was the concrete cloud hitting the ground when she knew. Hated me being Caty from then on and the subject was never discussed, (except when I once came home from a business trip completely shaven and when I left a bra where I should not etc etc).
Cut to my now almost two decades with my “new” beloved and when I informed her back in February that I wanted to go to TF! Reaction? “Go, but I dont want to know about it” and then the complete text message silence when I was at TF until I got back to Sydney for a couple of days after TF.” The latter was very very worrying!
I love her dearly, but what irks me is the only time I’ve seen her in a dress is for formal occasions. Slacks and jeans 99% of the time!
I agree that at least in this more trans enlightened age, especially with all the “social media connected young ones” out there, that it’s all changing for the better. But from my experience with the “oldies”, there’s still a lot of resistance to the idea that a man can wear a dress, make up, heels and a wig and not be some kind of freak.
The trans world is littered with case studies of relationship break ups over this and far too few of accepting partners!.
So good luck to all that can be their “other selves”, but of course our hearts go out to those who cannot. I’m lucky that every two weeks for at least a weekend I can indulge, but the future looms where a house move will impinge on this.
But that for another day.
Happy Dressing
Caty
-
Oh Caty, my heart goes out to you. It seems you will have a real dilemma soon. I guess what you do then depends a lot on your family and other circumstances.
I must admit that at times I find the whole idea of Crossdressing weird. Even during Transformal I caught myself thinking what a strange lot we are. But it can’t be that odd, there are so MANY of us! And it is just brilliant doing it. Heaven, and it surely doesn’t hurt a soul!
So many crossdressers have a problem with the closed minds of their wives. In a way I see it as a corollary of sexism in that women are conditioned to expect certain behaviours from their husbands, as men are from their wives. In that context it’s also natural that younger people are less prejudiced.
I can only wish you the very best and keep my fingers crossed for you, darling.
-
Thanks Tina,
If and when the move occurs, it will have to be with “er indoors” knowledge, but sadly sans her blessing!
For almost the whole time “first time around” I had the ability to store all Caty’s stuff away from home and mostly only was able to use it on my frequent interstate and international business trips. Luckily I qualified for business class, so excess baggage was rarely a problem, but to rehash my old dreadful Caty travel jokes, “you have enough (35kgs) luggage there for two!” and “all that travel must be a real drag!”
So the variation on this theme when the time comes, will more than likely be the old well trodden “storage unit to cheap motel for the day” routine. Tho where Caty would go once she is Caty is a good question.
But I’ll jump that hooped skirt crinoline when I get there.
Ta again
Caty
-
Caty wrote:I love her dearly, but what irks me is the only time I’ve seen her in a dress is for formal occasions. Slacks and jeans 99% of the time!TinaMartini wrote:So many crossdressers have a problem with the closed minds of their wives
Reading between the lines I think many crossdressers have a problem with their wife’s understanding of what it means to be female/feminine. I observe that when there is an issue with telling the other half it is always expressed in a way that makes it read as “her fault” and the desires of the crossdressing half are nomal and have a right to be accommodated.
Well I don’t see it that way.
I think that most wives have a pretty mature view of what it means to engage in society as a female. On the contrary a lot of crossdressers have an over romantisised view of dressing which often borders on the impractical if not fetish. Why should the partner accept the crossdressers ideas about femininity and embrace them?
When we tell our partner we should perhaps acknowledge their experience and let them help us. This comes back to the advice of Lacy Leigh that started this thread. “Darling, I need your help.”
Asking for help may lead to a much easier way forward and result in the crossdresser’s femininity being embraced in their shared life. Of course you would have to drop some of the things you might previously have classified as essential to your dressing. But relationships are never going to go anywhere without some flexibility.Finally before you dismiss my attitudes as impractical given “your special circumstances” – just remember I am the one with the long term happy relationship. I suggest that you are deluding yourself if you don’t at least embrace your partner’s perspective on femininity. Its a question of who actually has the closed mind…
-
Thank you Adrian, for your comments. I don’t think anyone is dismissing your suggestions. But since you chose to use quotes, let’s start with “just remember that I am the one with the happy relationship”. Doesn’t that border on the arrogant? Could that be because you are who you are and your wife is who she is, not just because the magic words ‘darling I need your help’ were uttered when you came out to her? You are very, very lucky. Your wife is extremely tolerant. The fact that you have a tolerant and supportive wife may (or may not of course) be more to do with her nature and personality than how you have handled it. I don’t know. Does having a happy relationship necessarily qualify someone as a better judge than anyone else of how to handle a very different person and situation? Could one not interpret that comment as saying ‘if I was in your shoes things would be very different’? You might have simply had an easier ride.
My point is not to point blame at the wife. My point IS that many from our generation have not been conditioned to the more liberal thought processes that the younger generation take as read, and that is wrong. We need to promote that more liberal view. God knows what would happen to me if I came out at work (and that’s a place with a theoretically strong Diversity and Inclusion culture).
Essentially, ‘darling I have a problem’ is exactly what I said to my wife. My wife and I love each other deeply. The best moments in this process for me have been when she has identified with my suppression and guilt of 45 years, hiding it from parents, friends, offspring, and all those I love, including her. So I completely support that approach. Nonetheless, I believe a large proportion of us are sensitive, thoughtful people, which, of course is WHY we suppress and hide our habits in the first place, and very few would have adopted an aggressive ‘take it or leave it’ tack. If you did, you would deserve whatever you got, and maybe wouldn’t care.
I know and understand my wife’s problem with this. She didn’t buy into Tina 32 years ago when we married. She doesn’t want another woman in the house. She married a sensitive but very masculine man. And there are other perfectly valid reasons why she shies away from recognising Tina which I won’t share here. I totally get it. None of this is her fault, but we have to stop taking all the blame all on our own shoulders too.
Having said that, I am also one of the very, very lucky ones. However hard it is, we are working at it. I am at home. I can dress when I want to (but out of sight). I can attend events like Transformal, and this has all come about in a fairly short time. I don’t put it down to my clever handling of conversations though. I put it down to my wonderful wife and our deep love and determination to come through it and keep a proper perspective. Maybe she will embrace Tina one day, maybe not.
Not all wives are the same. I just wish that some of our friends had it half as easy as me.
-
Good morning Tina,
Very, very, very, well said
Could not have put it better myself. Also, to back up your comments from my situation, where I stated my beloved never wears a dress, only pants, so why cant I wear a dress, was not so much from the angle Adrian was coming from, more to back up my point about how given how “mature” we both are, she is only reflecting the societal mores from our generation.
She too came together with what she thought was a 100% masculine male and 90% of the time that’s what she got. The other 10% will claim until the day “she” dies, that the way I am has been of great assistance to me in relationships with women, of which two are “unofficial” close cousin and sister
respectively. Especially the latter, whom in the “old days” is one of the few people who knew about Caty and embraced it with care and understanding.Caty
-
TinaMartini wrote:, let’s start with “just remember that I am the one with the happy relationship”. Doesn’t that border on the arrogant?
Of course it wasn’t intended to be arrogant, I was just trying to link back to Lacey Leigh’s advice about who to listen to for knowledge.
Quote:Not the kind you’ll pick up from whining, complaining, bitching ‘friends’ in CD groups, by the way.Yes even TgR forums are dominated by the “can’t do” mindset, and postings are used so often to justify the author’s negative position rather than offer constructive advice. I could point out how many times Caty has used these forums to re-enforce why she couldn’t ever tell her partner. Now she tells her partner to go to Transformal – but what happenes to all those negative posts sitting there from the past?
It is in this context that those who are posting from a “can do” perspective of a functional relationship like Lacey Leigh are a rarity.
Quote:Does having a happy relationship necessarily qualify someone as a better judge than anyone else of how to handle a very different person and situation?No one is a better judge, but filtering out knowledge from those who have found a way through the relationship jungle is going to get you a lot further. Personally I find a lot of what is posted in forums about coming out and relationships is just bad advice. Good advice will help you judge how to manage your specific situation – but will you recognise and accept good advice when you find it?
Quote:I don’t think anyone is dismissing your suggestions.I think you will find they already have. But I don’t intend to share any more thoughts in this thread.
Good luck with the relationships!
