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The business of going “stealth”, a touchy subject?
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I too have remained active on several forums/groups since becoming post op last year. Increasingly their relevance to my life has decreased and I too have found myself in conflict not with those either starting or still in the midst of their transition but rather those who are in a similar point in their journey as I. I have reached a point where I am withdrawing from active involvement and have started to seek something quite different.
What I feel is missing are forums and groups specifically within Australia and New Zealand that focus on post transition life. Such a forum should be open to all but be very much about post transition life rather than who is the best SRS surgeon or discussions about starting hormones.
I am one who does not hide my transsexualism but I do not go around with a sign on my forehead, so I am not attracted to stealth; I believe that I will be transsexual for the whole of my life, it’s just that now I am able to live in my chosen gender, I am a transwoman; whilst transsexualism tends to be binary, ie in the MtF case the person wants to be and live as a female (and vice versa for FtM), we actual transition into a place where we are ‘No Man No Woman’ meaning that for most of us it is what is inside our heads that becomes absolutely important; so we have new challenges in our post transition lives. Yet where do we discuss these things? How many of us are really truthful about our new lives? There seems to be this rose coloured glasses view of transition … we talk about all the good things and rarely discuss the realities that many face. We encourage those that follow us to transition for all the ‘nice’ reasons but rarely discuss the issues of success in employment, relationships, mental illness, etc
Do we have a duty of care to those that follow us?
I should point out that whilst I have challenges in my life I would not change my decision to transition nor the actions that I have taken. I am interested in talking with others who are working to be successful in their post transition lives. To understand how others have or are trying to overcome the challenges that are always present. To share our stories and points of view.
Finally an apology to Amanda in advance, TR is a great site but I feel that more than a threaded discussion environment is needed and one that can be found easily by a simple google search. Might have to get the energy together with a few others to start something.
Huggs
Jade
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For over 20 years, a time during which I fully transitioned, I lived fully outside the trans community. It wasn’t about stealth – my partner made sure everbody knew (textbook control behaviour). Not living in a metropolitan centre limited my contact, and much of what I saw simply held no interest for me.
Over the past few years I’ve made some wonderful friends whom I believe I shall remain friends with throughout the rest of our lives. I could never quite ‘bond’ with male friends before my transition – I was a girl, and circumstances (morbid jealousy – control behaviour) prevented this later. The isolation left me open to devaluation of myself
Also, what I learned before I ‘came out’ within the trans-community is that you are vulnerable to all manner of predation, and you lack the vital social network supports & emotional maturation to help you deal with it. I’m still happy with my everyday life & friends, but there are occasions when I need or especially appreciate the company of ‘special friends’. Just to lift self esteem, share a good laugh etc.. There are some things non-trans friends are no able to comprehend, for no other reason that it’s just outside of their realm of experience or ability to understand. This was described by John Steinbeck as “rooms of experience”, war, rape, etc – that the vast majority of people will never experience and can never truly understand the reality.
My non-trans friends will always be important. I believe it is dysfunction to cut non-trans networks from ones life equally as it is to detatch fully the trans -community. That I have no interest in ‘going out’, balls etc does not mean I don’t want to know people. I’m able to share my experience, offer support to some; but the bottom line is, we have our own lives to get on with & live – in the great big wide non-trans specific (homogenised) world. If we’re unable to loose ourselves, cope without the trans-community being dominant in our daily living, there’s something seriously lacking.
Hope that makes sense
Arohanui & Blessings
PS: Today there’s been a call for a full inquest into the death of a sister at Silverwater Gaol in 2009. Incarcerated in a male prison for 6 days. There may have been a drug dependent life, but where were we (or the Gender Centre) to ensure this woman was safe – isolation. Self imposed or whatever. The danger of isolation is in evidence here
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how topical – seahorse victoria (haven’t seen too many equivalent postings from any other seahorse groups, so all credit to our victoria sisters who seem to be very much on the ball – although not many balls organised in recent years) just posted this link on facebook:
http://tranifesto.com/2011/03/21/ask-matt-monday-living-stealth-after-public-transition/
in full –
Quote:Ask Matt Monday: Living Stealth After Public Transition
March 21, 2011 by Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I’m a college student navigating transition in an all-women’s college and often feel a sense of voyeuristic intrusion by my peers. How do I make sure that I can live a stealth trans life in the future, outside of college, when so many people have seen my transition take place – people who I do not necessarily even know?“My issue is not so much going back in the closet from my fellow students, but fear of their knowledge of my transition spreading and following me beyond the school space. Is there a way to maintain contact with a trans or queer community without being outed?”
The way I see it, there are two separate questions here, and I will attempt to answer them both, with, of course, help from my readers.
“How do I move into a stealth life after college when people in my college know that I am trans?”
One way to start fresh after college is to get your name legally changed while you’re still there and get your transcripts and other records changed to reflect your new name and gender. Your diploma will then also reflect your new name. You can always go back and get all this changed later, but it might be easier if you could do this now and enter the world, diploma in hand, as your true self.
The flip side of this is that your college and your classmates will know you by your new name (they might already), and therefore will recognize that name later in life, whereas if you wait until you leave college to change your name, they will not recognize that name as belonging to you if they ever hear it. Just something to consider.
Second, put some boundaries on what questions you will answer and who gets what information (although, like good news, good gossip travels fast). Attempt to maintain a low profile and go about your normal business as much as possible. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into sharing information, and let those with whom you do share information know that you expect them to respect your privacy and maintain confidentiality.
Third, you may have to follow one of the “tenets of transition” from several decades ago, when it was advised that trans people move away from their town and from people who knew them “before” and start over again with a “new identity.” You may want to relocate to a city away from the college and from your home town where it is less likely that you will run into former friends and classmates.
The other thing to consider here is whether or not you intend to enter a high-profile field after college – performing, politics, journalism, or somewhere else where you will be in the spotlight – or if your goal is to rise to the top of your field, where you might gain notoriety.
For example, if you ever want to run for office, your past is definitely going to come out. If you become an on-air reporter, a news anchor, a well-known actor, or a bestselling author, your past is probably going to come out. If you become extremely wealthy or extremely well-known in your field, your past is probably going to come out. Your former classmates will want to point to you and say, “I knew him when he was a she” (because for some reason, that’s what people like to say).
It’s definitely possible to live stealth. Many people do it, and those people have all had others who watched them transition or knew that they were transitioning. So there is always going to be someone who knows. But if you live a life out of any major spotlights, like most people do, there’s no reason to think that you can’t do it. And remember: the Internet is basically forever. Watch what and where you post, including “protected” Facebook updates, private Flickr photos, and YouTube videos. They can come back to haunt you.
“Is there a way to maintain contact with a trans or queer community without being outed?”
Yes. You can participate in a trans, queer, or LGBT community as an ally. You can attend events, volunteer, and go to bars and parties as an ally. Many straight, non-trans people do this. There are a couple of things to keep in mind, however:
First, by virtue of you being at a trans, queer, or LGBT event, there might be assumptions placed upon you. People might assume that you are a gay man. If you are at a trans-specific event, people might assume that you are trans or look for “signs” that you are trans. Some people, if they have nothing better to do, might examine you and discuss with each other whether or not they think you are trans. But you don’t have to say one way or the other. If someone asks you straight out, you can say, “Does that matter? I’m here to support trans people. That’s what matters to me.”
Second, if you enter this community and find people who know you there, they might out you unintentionally, assuming that you are out because you are attending an event or something similar. And, of course, there is always the possibility of a mean-spirited person who might choose to out you because he or she doesn’t agree with people living stealth or is envious of that privilege. That’s why you might want to get as far away as possible from where you are.
I ran the trans men support group at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado for almost six years. Once in a while, a guy would show up who had been living stealth for years. He just wanted to touch base with his “people.” He would sit through a meeting, talk a little, and then disappear back into his mainstream life, and we would never see him again.
This is also something that you can do – touch base once in a while, just to be with your “people.” Our group had confidentiality regulations, as every group does. However, there’s obviously no guarantee that everyone will abide by them. So any time that you make someone aware of your trans status, you are taking a risk of being outed.
There are thousands and thousands of trans people out there successfully “living stealth.” But there are never any guarantees. We are more connected in this world than ever before and people have access to more information about us than they ever did. Even establishing any kind of Internet presence in your new life could dredge up unwanted “friends.” The Internet makes it more difficult – but not impossible – to live stealth. You just have to be careful and consider what you do before you do it.
Perhaps one way to set up your life is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst – arrange your life so that if you are outed at some future date, it will be inconvenient and possibly uncomfortable, but not devastating and destructive for you. And, since you are young, it’s possible that the climate will shift in your lifetime so that being trans will not be an issue of concern. We can only hope.
Readers, what did I miss and what do you think?
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Quote:Virginia, in reference to your reminder about the thread that you started a while back I would like to say that yes I have read it and understand it too but I wanted to hear from people that I know from here on this site as they are people that I can relate too a lot more easily than someone that I’ve never heard of before (nothing personal ok?).
peta – no wuckers – i have a tendency to have poor analytical reading skills! that attribute is fighting with staying on topic posting for my biggest bad.
to be honest, being a trans person means developing a bit if a thick skin anyway (not sure if hormones help in that respect). as for personal offence, i have had people yell at me from their cars on george street sydney to f!ck off back home, and a person in a supermarket say to me “one day we’re going to kill the f!cking lot of you”. so anything i encounter on tr is pretty harmless in comparison, and i’m sure is not intended to cause grief.
damn. off topic again. 😥
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I always take the view that there are degrees of stealth.
I don’t tell anybody at work. I like to keep certain parts of my private life private. And I’ve experienced transphobia in the work place in the past. So I ‘keep it to myself. But also, if someone at work found out and tried to make an issue out of it my skin is thick enough that someone couldn’t successfully blackmail me with it. I’d publically make an announcment that the person who was threatening to out me wanted to make a public announcment and hand them the P.A. microphone and let them have their say.
I also don’t tell the guy that sells me my weekly train ticket. I don’t tell the checkout girl at Coles. I don’t tell the console operator who flirts with me at the local petrol station. They don’t need to know.
I also don’t tell the religous fanatic at work. The openly racist people at work.
I got a real surprise when one of the racist people at work showed me an email of Thai transsexuals and the nature of the email was a guessing game. Pick who is really a “guy” And there was pics of, perhaps 20 girls. All of whom drop dead stunningly beutiful and I couldn’t read any of them. And transsexuals usually can. But I couldn’t. Afterwards she told me that 25 years ago the Les girls crew came to her work. One of the workmates knew someone who was affiliated with them. So the les girls crew came down in their jeans and flip flops. And looked stunning even in their daggies. Then they got dressed up in their costumes, put on a show, and everyone was in Awe. Then the girls went around and did the ladies make up. And everyone was in awe of them. And everyone thought they were wonderful This story comming from someon who is openly racist. That sentiment comming from someone I would NEVER have told because she’s racist, which I presumed made her biggoted generally. I was a bit surprised, but lifes a journey.Claire
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I think the issue for us that are transgender is to make it to the other side and no longer be transgender.
Early on we post because we need to find information that we need.
Then we slow down and only post when it is something we feel is very important.
It is not about adopting “stealth” mode.
Its about change.
As you achieve, needs and values change.
My goal is to be Jennifer.
Some stand on the soap box all the time and in effect look at me I am special I am transgender or I am gay.
All that does is highlight the difference.
Every time i am referred to as Maam rather than Sir gives me a real boost as it tells me i am headed in the right direction.
Sure sometimes I get asked and I have to deal with it but as I go that occurs less and less which is wonderful.
So it is not about stealth but about becoming who you really are.
Regards
Jen
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Quote:I think the issue for us that are transgender is to make it to the other side and no longer be transgender.
Early on we post because we need to find information that we need.
Then we slow down and only post when it is something we feel is very important.It is not about adopting “stealth” mode.ts about change.
As you achieve, needs and values change.My goal is to be Jennifer.
Some stand on the soap box all the time and in effect look at me I am special I am transgender or I am gay.All that does is highlight the difference.Every time i am referred to as Maam rather than Sir gives me a real boost as it tells me i am headed in the right direction.
Sure sometimes I get asked and I have to deal with it but as I go that occurs less and less which is wonderful.So it is not about stealth but about becoming who you really are. Regards
JenSo true Jennifer…..Yes, degrees, just like “transgendeism” itself.
I am both “Stealth” and forced to be so ! All my TG friends have dissapeared or gone recluse because of bad times or (Like dear Shells) …gone overseas.
So now all my friends are genetic women. And thats ok for me in as far as passing goes. “Passing” for me is everything……If I dont pass then I dont want to live !
Sorry, but thats how I feel and even though I do mostly pass, I still get quite depressed at times. So, you see, we are all different…..just like that Gender spectrum !
Some friends I’ve known don’t care about “passing” but, for me its everything !
So let us not judge each other……those friends are probablly happier than I am !!Why should I ‘advertise’ that I am “transsexual’ when there is so much ignorance in the general public? Even the medical professions cant agree !!
Most people, if I told them I was “Transsexual” or even “transgender” would probablly think I was a gay drag queen ! YES ???
I am not a gay drag queen ….so why would I want to be labeled as such?
I dont even like the ‘label’ Transsexual……I don’t want to be refered to as “a Trannie” ….which to most people means a gay drag queen …that’s ok BUT…. that’s NOT what I am!
I can understand why people are confused when even the medical professions cant agree !
I have done much research and I totally believe that “Transsexualism” and “Transgenderism” is physically medical !
The correct term is “Congenital Neurological Intersexed Condition” !
Do you know that all vertabrate mammals which display “transgender” behavour in nature are considered to be “Intersexed” ?
The brain is just another phisical organ …but for some reason, when it comes to us humans, there must be a big debate about it !!Please read this article if you are interested …..
http://oiiaustralia.com/media/articles/transsexuals-intersexed-individuals/My Gender Doctor has ‘treated’over 550 transgendered patients and mentioned to me that very many had ‘micro penis’ (being less than 6cm flacid length)
…and is a common condition of Intersexualism, listed in the American Intersexual Society list of symptoms.So do we want suffers of MS or ADHD or any other geneticlly inherited condition to be stealth or non-stealth?? No ! We don’t !
Regards and love for us all….
Monique
