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The Moment of Truth – Help Needed!
Hi Girls
I have had the dreaded “moment of truth” with my family. Been horribly caught out by my daughter and confronted by my family.
My wife has been pretty good about it all, surprisingly so as we don’t have a good relationship anymore.
My daughter, however, is severely upset. She is 21 and is going through establishing her own sexual identity. I had chosen not to tell her yet as I thought she would be too upset and that is what has happened. I’ve only been dressing in a very basic way since late last year and I wasn’t ready to talk either.
She is more angry at what she sees as the secrecy and betrayal of family trust than the actual dressing. Though the dressing is a huge shock for her too, I think.
I sat down with both her and my wife and talked about things for some hours before suggesting “timeout”. We also arranged immediate professional counselling for our daughter and I have printed out some helpful and re-assuring articles for her. We all had another long session last night.
I have some good websites and chatrooms for her to look into – thanks so much, Cyanne! My daughter is very computer literate – that’s how she found out partially about my dressing. Plus she inadvertently saw the photos of my recent transformation at Transfabulous. Stunned, she then investigated my private wardrobe, found my stache and breast forms and got hysterical. Oh, God!
She wants to talk to the (young adult) children of crossdressers about their experiences about when their Dad fell out of the closet and I wonder whether that’s possible or even practical.
I’ve given her the Seahorse website as a useful resource and will ring them for advice. I’ve also taken down my posts on Seahorse as they are in the public domain. Damn! I’m now trying to delete my public posts from Trannyradio as well. Mild panic setting in…
Advice support much appreciated! I think I’m shutting down for the moment.
Bye take care
Love Jan
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6 Replies
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It’s a little difficult to feel much sympathy for your daughter. After she is a big girl now at 21. Does she tell you all she gets up to. Off course she doesn’t! You are both adults and entitled to live your lives as you please. You don’t need her approval and she doesn’t need yours.
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Hi Jan
If your daughter want she can talk to mine, she eighteen and has known about my dressing since she was 13, and seems fine with it. I guess exceptance is easyer if you care about someone. Same can’t be said for my ex of course *grin*
I do agree with Janet though, at 21 your daughter should have a definate handle on her sexual identity, plus lots of things that you & your partner are unaware of.
secrecy may be the problem more than the dressing in your case, although with honesty can come other problems, all my children know I dress and see me that way, but it cost me my wife, I did tell her before we were married, but of course thing progress which she didn’t count on.and didn’t like much.
Left the kids with me and went her own way.I think you have done all you can really, pointed them to some good information, offered them professional help. your willing to talk….not much left..time will fix things I think.
hugs Nikki -
Thanks for everyone’s support, advice and comments. On Trannyradio, STG and various other forums as well as email.
I am overwhelmed by the love and care out there!
On the home front, everything has gone very quiet. My wife isn’t saying much and my daughter has withdrawn for the moment. I’ve said I’m there for them but I know they need time.
I’ve lots of resources for when the time comes and it has been educational for me too to read it all and think more deeply about dressing and the loved ones in our lives.
Special thanks to Cyanne, Nikki and Lynne for your personal support, I will be following up privately.
And also to Amanda for cleaning up my posts in the public forums.
Out of all this, some good will come.
Love and hugs xxxx Jan
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Hi Jan,
You poor thing! I guess it’s a big risk we all take. There’s a great big gulf between what we girls need to do and our need to “protect” our families, friends, workmates etc. The problem for so many of us is that we can’t go on denying half of our personalities forever. I know that in my case I’m realising that I’ll never be totally emotionally healthy if I go on keeping Clare in the closet.
I feel for you, but remember what your Mum used to say: “Time heals all things” I used to hate hearing her say that, but it’s true.
Hang in there, and look after number one.
Hugs and support
Clare -
Jan,
I know what you are facing right now is a difficult situation, but, apart from providing support and advice for your daughter and wife. You should also be asking questions as to why your daughter was snooping through your personal belongings. She is 21, and at that age, whether she has sorted her sexuality out or not, should have the manners enough to not pry through your private belongings. Sorry if this sounds harsh.
That said, the people you really should be supporting throughout this situation is yourself and your wife, afterall the love of our children is unconditional, but they’ll not always be there, whereas the commitment of your marriage is meant to be. Kids grow up and fly the nest, and start their own lives. Coming home to the nest only when they feel it necessary.
Go ahead and provide info to your daughter, but work towards helping your wife understand this side of you. The benefits of acceptance and participation from one’s life partner is most rewarding. But don’t push the subject, let it take it’s course. If you push, it is more than likely that rejection and resentment is all you will receive. Let your wife take it at her own pace, and that goes for the daughter too. They are both old enough to make their own decisions. So try not to influence them in any way, just provide them with total honesty should they ask you for your answers.
On a personal note, and please remember this is just my personal opinion, I think the daughter is old enough to have her own understanding of society and it’s many facets. She doesn’t tell you what she does all the time, and there is no way on earth that I and my partner will be put in a position to justify our pleasures/habits/interests to our kids.
However, enough said on how I and my partner feel. The most important thing you can do is to be honest with your wife, and offer her the support when she asks for it. Same goes for the daughter, but remember she too is old enough to do as she pleases, and the compromise of you not interferring in her public or private life is a two-way street.
Good luck and I hope all turns out well. Never has it been said that life is an easy journey, but a journey we must travel non the less.
God Bless
Juliann xxx
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Hi Jan, I feel deeply for you and know that I have lived with the fear of discovery for a long, long time. I guess for you that fear is now gone and instead you have the fallout of dealing with non acceptance by those you love. Hopefully they will see that you are still the same person inside, indeed they can now get to know all of you, a real bonus!
I have 3 teenage daughters (2 live with me) and nearly been sprung on a few occasions. It is heart stopping stuff and I wish I had the courage to tell them about me, but I don’t as yet, maybe one day. I too live with that fear of rejection and ridicule and loss of respect. I love them dearly and wish I could be totally honest with them. I am very fortunate that my partner knows all about me, is my best friend and loves all of me, boy and girl!
So now she knows Jan, no more fear of discovery! I send you love and support and also to your wife and daughter too.
Love Melody
