The price of happiness

[Elizabeth]

Oh dear, between the devil and the deep blue sea. There is no individual answer because everyone is different with differing circumstances. One thing I have learned over the years is that relationships where one is on the transition road do not survive. There are always exceptions and you may be the one to prove me wrong.
Transitioning tears families apart despite the very best intentions on both sides of the relationship. You cannot expect your wife to hang around whilst you transition from male to female. It’s either one or the other, as simple as that.
I hope you have a brilliant and knowledgeable psychologist who can work the miracles on both sides of your equation. A psychiatrist may give soothing words and medication but are usually a little frail on seeking what you and your wife are seeking. There are tough and very tough decisions to be made and faced up to. Your wife married a man, not a man morphing into a woman. I wish both you, your wife and family the very best. I think the decisions to be made are yours and yours alone.

[Anonymous]

I truly hope we are the exception to the rule. I have read many posts on this most with negative outcomes. All I know is im going to fight tooth and nail to save what I have, I hope some kind if balance can be achieved and given this new “freedom” I now have I constantly have to check myself from being impatient and taking things to fast it must be terrible for her watching the man she loves gradually turn into a woman. Just the other night I found her rubbing my leg the only hairy bit left on my hairless body and I cried .What have I done ,I don’t want to cause her pain ,and the further along I get the harder it will be ! I hope love will concur all and I have to hold onto that.
Scylla

[Kathy_1]

Scylla
I understand the losses quite well I have been on this road for 4 years now and have felt all your pressures , the difference being we have 4 adult kids and 10 grand kids , I think it’s harder the later you transition , the ripple effect gets bigger and bigger, however I too live in hope that Lyn and I will be able to stay the course, that sensible acceptance and fairness will emerge in society , and that we in the village will be kinder and more generous to each other as well, I haven’t been able to find a better answer, in the end if you have offered your SO the opportunity for individual counselling, and she wishes to stay with you, celebrate and work together to help others that are staying together too. We have been tested on one hand and blessed on the other, I believe that my new perspective has made me a better human and am sure that many others would say the same thing, head up, trust yourself and go forward.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are between two people and they change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes not but one thing that is a dictate for success is the willing ability to give as well as take. I think it’s quiet obvious that in the process of becoming our new selves we are always going to take more than we can possibly give, so it is a matter of how far that can go without out something failing. If we’re not careful we will easily lose those closest because having had a life time to think about it we can seem in a rush to go forward. I feel that it is crucial to be willing to slow down and give others a chance to catch up .
In essence the success will come with give and take. Take care not to leave those who you want in your life behind and if you can’t give take less!

It is often the case in life that you have to accept a different relationship with the one that is in your heart and that applies to any relationship with or without transition. Acceptance of what the relationship is going to be and what relationship you can have that is give and take. Best wishes to you and may you succeed where so many fail.

[Anonymous]

Firstly thanks for the kind words and inspiration, god knows I need to hear some positive spin on this. It’s not all doom and gloom she took the news well all things considered, and has an interest to learn more about G I D and I guess me. We have had a few laughs and a few cries she always asks my opinion on shoes n clothes and now I don’t have to hold back knowing full well what items were called shoe styles types ect ok back on topic. .I know she loves me and we can get through this I’m sure thanks again for all your advice that’s what makes this site such a godsend.
hugs Scylla xxx

[Carol]

Oh Scylla, This is all so familiar. I too am one of those optimists, trying to bring my wife with me on this journey. All I can offer is slowing down because I can’t stop or go backwards. She has put up with what I am doing so far but I am getting close to her limit. I’m putting relationships with 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren at risk. But I’m going to keep trying to keep us all together until it really does become impossible. There are positive stories out there. Fingers crossed that we can be part of the small lucky minority. Hugs

[Anonymous]

your really brave. and im sure all in this community aplaud you. take it slow but keep it up. best wishes to you and your wife. im not transitioning but ive fond it helps if my wife reads what i read and write.

[Anonymous]

Hi All

yes , change is one of the hardest thins to do

Being selfish is a hard one to work out, when you want things for your self and its irrelevant for things like cost or purpose or even the life span, we say its selfishness – but this normally applies to material things, eg clothes, computers cars , your general consumables.

If you have a medical issue and need surgery eg heart , knee , cancer , we dont say its selfish

Transgender is different things to different people, some are a woman traped in a mans body , some are seen as wanting to be diferent.

Now the issue with your partner is going to be a strained one at best of times, forget the transgender issue , we all find some one, then over time we change, examples with people i know , gambling, drink , drugs , affairs , spending time & money on cars and racing, others have other hobbies like all weekend golf or bush walks , even no cost things like social poker or watching TV

I am not saying any of these are bad, but these simple examples of people i know, in every case i can place a name when one person spend time and it is very annoying to there partner, 5 examples resulted in divorce

People also simply change over time, often bit by bit, ask many people around you , would you be with your current partner if you knew in advance how they would be

Maybe we should run a poll and see now many relationships were ruined due to TG issues, but i can guess it wont be a good result.

Let me change the senario, if your wife had cancer, or lost a limb or went blind or was in a wheelchair, would you break of the realtionship ??? , most people and i will guess 9/10 will stay in the relationship

Another example, by grandmother became a widow during WW2, she was a young mother with 2 daughters, she never remarried.

That is a extreme example of commitment, if i knew anyone in that situation today i think most people would be telling them to start a new life with someone.

Now directly at your question, if your wife is happy and supportive, its not a issue.

a bad example is when we bought our last car, it was for my wife, i was sick of old cars and break downs and repairs and rust, so we bought our first new car, my wife did not really want it, it took 3 weeks to talk her into it, and i was very manipulative / persuasive , but in the end she was willing , now think about it , if was not necessary, we could have done it with say a 3 or 5 year old car, we did spent more money that what the problem was worth, and in one respect it was selfish

But starting HRT or SRS is really a one way event, you cannot go back, so you must be sure you are doing the right thing.

Its not the answer you are looking for ,

cheers
gina

[Anonymous]

It’s not that im not sure of my path, I’ve spent a lifetime wishing, pondering, feeling cheated. HRT and possibly SRS are what I most desire/need. Believe me I have thought long and hard about this .Your words are wise and true, this road is one that should be thought long and hard about as I have, and if I had have come clean years ago I most likely would not be in this situation ,my cross to bear. I realize it sounds a bit like I want my cake and eat it too, but I have to be true to myself I was mentally exausted playing the charade of being a man I need to do this, and I don’t care about any other aspect of transition ,but I do care about my family and thus my dilemma. I am a selfless person by nature and have my whole life put other people’s needs before my own, and taken responsibility for my actions in life, but me and my wife have the best relationship I have known 11 years best friends we never argue share many interests and love each other dearly I hope that’s enough to get us through i wont rattle on as i have pretty much covered everything.Again I really do appreciate all your comments and advice, so kind and honest, and I thank you all truly. I read and think long and hard about all your posts as I’m sure many if not all have experienced similar dilemmas.
Hugs Scylla xxx

[Catherine]

Hi Scylla,
Congratulation on your progress. You’ve come a long way. Nowhere is it written that says, Transition is easy. The “costs” you’ve identified are all very real and must be paid, one way or the other. There is no option. This is the stark, blinding reality of transition. I’ll even go so far to say, this will cost you your life.

If I may, I’ll attempt to answer the questions you’ve raised.
1. Its irrelevant. It could only be answered if you were a direct copy of your wife.
2. Distinct possibility. She may also have the opportunity in sharing all the love, support and empathy society has to offer as well.
3. Again, distinct possibility. Really depends on your attitude and approach to this matter. I know many very successful post transgendered women who are doing quite well thank you.
4. It’s entirely their choice. You can’t force people to follow you. Sometimes you have to respect other peoples feelings.
5. Yes. The list is not exhaustive.
6. Coitus is not the be all and end all of sex. There are literally thousands of ways to achieve mutual sexual gratification apart from missionary coitus.
7. You are your 2yo daughters, parent. Perhaps it’s up to her to express her perception of you, in preference to you enforcing some unrealistic expectation.
Again your perception of yourself is totally your choice. You could be a girl, born a girl with some birth defects. Doesn’t involve technology. Life is all about attitude.

The word transition, implies you are moving from one place/state to another. This can often imply the death of this previous state in order to live in the new state. It’s selfish by nature as it doesn’t imply you are taking the village with you. In fact, the village may not want to come with you. After all, we all have our own needs and desires to fulfill our purpose in life.

I recall reading somewhere that we are encouraged to love ourselves as our neighbour. Even before we love our neighbour. I’m sure that love means; Living OUR Values Everyday; not Living OTHER’S Values Everyday.

And dare I even propose I read this close to the same place; Look to yourself and make sure you don’t don’t lose what you’ve worked for, so you can be rewarded. A long bow to draw? I think, not.

I don’t read selfishness into these statements.

I refuse to sugar coat the reality of transition by living in some hypothetical dream world where I can eat my cake and have, it at the same time. In the cold,hard, brutal face of reality, which transition is, you have to make some very cold, very hard, very brutal decisions, for your own preservation.

I know a woman in the States who is 3 months short of her surgery. She has identified some moving forward issues being related to her previous persona; and just last week she expressed a profound revelation. “I can’t be the new me; until I let the old me go.” She now understands what transition is all about.

Transition is very similar to buying a Ferrari. Hellishly expensive, and why would you do it. What about the kids education/holiday, what ever. It’s not until you sit in the drivers seat and experience the exhilaration of it’s performance, admire it’s beauty and appreciate it’s engineering, that the price fades to insignificance. You can only ever appreciate that last statement when you own and drive that Ferrari. Opinions and the best intentions of others, does not qualify, until you own one. As many women who have completed their transition WILL testify. You have to own it, before you understand.

There are no shortcuts to transition. You can’t stop what has already been put in motion. Sure you can drag your feet, but that doesn’t mitigate the final pain, it just exasperates it. Conditional compromise is proven not to work. If authenticity, integrity, and total honesty with yourself are the hallmarks of a successful transition; why wouldn’t you?

Again, congratulations on all the hard work you have put into yourself. I can see it’s paying dividends already. Keep up the good work.

Love
Catherine