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There is a chance you know that I am completely mad…
No surprises there I hear you say after reading the title of this latest rambling but it does occasionally cross my mind.
Firstly, some background to all this: For most of us, this crossdressing/transvestism activity occupies varying degrees of our lives. It might be a bit of it or maybe a lot. For most I guess it is somewhere in between a bit and a lot. I have quite an active, socially engaged life in Guy-Town. In Tranny-Town I also have an active and socially engaged life but it has evolved into enormous layers for which I never really intended it to.
Emma is my principal go-to girl….she has been there by far the longest and has a backstory that even a Kardashian would be proud of. She is known across the country by her many friends of whom she cares about very much. A touch notorious, I will admit, but Emma is the ultimate Party Girl and always has a fantastic time out-on-the-town and just loves meeting new friends. As a sideline, she also hosts Quiz and Bingo Nights and has been known to hog the microphone singing Maureen McGovern “torch songs” at karaoke. As soon as the wig is on she is there and it is full steam ahead – bust, or bust through, is her motto for better or worse.
Then, trying to muscle her way through the doorway, is her twin sister Bubbles O’Tool. Bubbles is the girl on the hunt for romance (or something like that). She is on questionable dating sites in the eternal search for trans-lesbian “companionship” but, unlike Emma, her sister has a bit of an edge to her. Where Emma goes with the flow, Bubbles has a clearly defined list of expectations borne out of years of dealing with fakes/wannabe’s/no shows/scaredy cats and other flotsam and jetsam that pervade the transient online dating scene. Where Emma wants to be front and centre at the next interesting dance/chat/drink/thing, Bubbles slides about in the shadowy worlds where terms like “can you host?” have more impact than “how are you?”
The point is that Bubbles can legitimately inhabit these places that Emma would (almost) never go because she is a completely different person. Although they share the same ‘parentage’ and general appearance – well they are twins after all – that is pretty much where the similarities end. Bubbles will always play second fiddle to Emma which is as it should be. Emma has no agenda but to have a good time with friends and Bubbles has one single agenda…..which, when I think about it, is also to have a good time with friends.
If I’m sitting in a café in drab casually fashion watching as the ladies go past it is Emma who runs the commentary in my head. If I’m shopping online for girly accoutrements, it is Emma running the commentary in my head as well. I’ve pondered this perhaps too much lately and have come to the conclusion that the reason for Bubbles existence at all is because I love Emma far too much and wouldn’t subject her to the full exposure the online dating world seems to demand. I would not want her embarrassed, nor do I want her hurt. I do not, I should add, feel any angst/depression/agitation about any of these questions nor what I chose to do in my non-guy life but I have everything somewhat compartmentalised in my tiny brain where everyone is safe and peruses their own lives.
So, yes, there is a chance I may be completely mad. When Emma and Bubbles younger sister Pinky decides to turn up again it will be confirmed. The O’Tool sisters have had many, many, adventures over the decades with many more to come no doubt.
So where does Emma get the last name Thorne from then I hear you ask? Well….once upon a time she was married to a guy named “French” Freddy Thorne who died in a tragic accident with a Combine Harvester. But that is a story for another day.
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16 Replies
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I don’t think you’re mad Emma just applying an engineering solution to a conundrum or is that an enigma wrapped in a pair of pantyhose? The ability to compartmentalise our lives is a think a necessary survival technique for as long as we have a foot in many camps, so to speak. I also have to boxes one for Alan and the other for the recentently emerged Michelle who had a name change at Transformal. Trouble is I fin while Michelle is in her box it’s more like a Jill-in -a-Box she always what’s to pop out. Luckily or unluckily I can keep the lid on at the moment. So not mad hon just convenient survival in a confusing world.
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Were you born under the sign of Gemini, Emma? Split personalities are nothing new; I flit between boy and girl modes on a daily basis and these are two very different people. Martina is much more outgoing to the point of being an exhibitionist, especially when she’s had a couple of drinks, whereas Martin is a total introvert who suffers other members of the human species ungladly and only as necessity demands. Parallel universes can be very useful though, so please enjoy yours. (Notice I did not mention “schizophrenia” and we should not go there, but if that does come up on your file, then you really are mad! :woohoo: )
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Your certainly not mad Emma, your just able to articulate in words what so many of us feel. Love your posts and look forward to hearing from he sisters again.
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I like this opening line from one of the tracks on Dark Side of the Moon”
I’ve been mad for fucking years, absolutely years, been over the edge for yonks, been working me buns off for bands…”
“I’ve always been mad, I know I’ve been mad, like the
most of us…very hard to explain why you’re mad, even if you’re not mad…”The essence of being Transgender OR whatever label you want to apply to diverse folk like us is that you are at least a bit mad in having to endure the complexities and difficulties that life throws at you on a frequent basis in accepting that you are not a “normal’ natal male. It might be easier to suppress it all ?
However many of us don’t want to suppress our feelings so perhaps that’s evidence of us not being Mad at all!!
These days I am deliriously happy to embrace all that I now enjoy living many years as a gender diverse human being.Thanks for the OP Emma !! XX
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Food for thought Emma.
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring”.
Marilyn Monroe
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Thank you all for your comments.
I was having a chat last night with a TG gal pal and I discussed this very subject. She calls it a “Glorious Madness”. How wonderfully appropriate xx
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Hi everyone,
No we are not mad. We are who we are. I, for one, have always seen the world through 2 sets of eyes. I know that I am both Male and Female. I too look at the world through both sets of eyes. It’s just how we are. I really think that we are very unique in that we have the ability to understand the world around us in a much better light. I love that I can experience both sides of the gender gap. Why should we be compartmentalized and made to live either on or the other. Being able to love and live both is so liberating and is what keeps me sane. There are Male things I love to do and there are also Female things that I love to do as well. I know that I will continue to grow and evolve in this ever changing world. Things are happening so quickly in the world and we just have to hang on for the ride. The other day, I was in drab and went into the makeup counter at the airport and asked the young girl who came up to me and asked if she could help me. At first I said no I’m just browsing and then I thought no wait, there is something I need to find out, so I took out my phone and brought up a picture of myself and asked her what could be done about the area under the eyes and how to reduce the bags. Well, when I first showed her the picture the first thing she said was “What does SHE want to achieve?” I showed her the area I wanted to target and then said oh and this is me. The look on her face was just so precious. It was enough to make a girl shine. I’ve just turned 59 this year and it makes me feel wonderful that I can still pull it off. Yes, she proceeded to give me the advice I needed and she did it with enthusiasm and kept commenting on how good I looked.
I don’t want to keep harping on, but really life is too short and we need to enjoy what time we have. So, no we are not mad, just enjoying the hand that we’ve been dealt. Do whatever you can to enjoy life. Learn to deal with what you have and be comfortable in your skin. Always have a smile for everyone and be the best you can be to yourself and those around you.
Hugs,
Jessica -
Jessica, I totally identify with the sentiments expressed in your comments above. Although I respect that many transgender people feel a desire to be “one” or the “other”, I, like you, rejoice in my dual personality. Wikipedia defines you and me as being “bigender”, a sub-category under the transgender canopy. So, if that is the case, let’s enjoy our mutual madness. I certainly do.
(PS Nice make up by the way,) -
Like you Jessica,I too have always identified with having a dual personality and I too enjoy both my male and female sides. I’m happy with my dual personality but I wonder if I had been born in todays world instead of the 1950’s would I still be the same. I believe my dual personality is due to the constant struggle I had trying to hide my feminine side for over half my life, and in the struggle keeping the two sides completely separate. Surly I must be completely mad or why else would I have made my whole life so dam difficult, Oh wait, now I remember, so I could have some inner happiness.
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Hi girls,
We are all so different, but yet the same. Inner happiness is truly what we are all striving for. I know I have found this peace and happiness in my life and yes, it has come with some struggle at times, but in the end we have to be happy with what we have. Yes, I too wonder what my life would have been like if I was born in this era. Things have definitely changed for us and we have far more freedom to express ourselves than ever before. Nothing can change what has been, all we can do is forge a better life going forward. The ability to express my female side is what keeps me sane in this mad mad world. I truly enjoy being able to change from male to female and venturing out into the world as Jessica. I had great fears in the past, but I have learned to conquer those fears and it has given me a much better outlook on my life.
I would also like to thank everyone for your feedback and support. It means so much to me and I’m sure everyone will agree that this site is so important to the community. It helps us to relieve the stresses of being on this earth. Always smile and enjoy life.
Hugs,
Jessica -
Yes Jessica “we are all so different, but yet the same.” As the famed anthropologist, Margaret Mead, once said: “Just remember you are completely unique, just like everyone else!”
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Alison_2 wrote:I’m happy with my dual personality but I wonder if I had been born in todays world instead of the 1950’s would I still be the same.I think Alison’s observation is very perceptive.
I started my TG life with two distinct and mutually incompatible personas (The Seahorse Mode), then had two personas all the time (my androgynous phase), then decided that the feminine persona had nothing going against it so I might as well universally embrace it. During this journey I have often thought what a complicated way it was to end up in what is a pretty simple and obvious end state.
Then I look at transgender people being born into contemporary society and observe that they have few of the constraints we were born into – total ignorance, lack of understanding, Victorian views about the role of the sexes. And so I know that if I was born today I wouldn’t have had to go through all the secret and closeted stages of my journey.
Sadly the number of people who can empathise with our need, current or past, for dual personalities is shrinking. Explain it to someone born after 1970 and all you will get is slightly puzzled and bemused looks.
But, even though I was part of the vanguard of the TG revelation with all its psychological and physical dangers I still am profoundly glad I wasn’t born 20 years earlier because I would have completely missed the opportunity to find “me”.
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Your’re all different
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVygqjyS4CA -
I suspect the “dual personality” characteristic in many of us is a natural consequence of a need for a “survival mode” necessary for our emotional stability and in coping with all the constraints as Adrian alluded to.
We become accustomed to living in a sort of Tidal Zone where venturing too long in one “habitat” M or F may have disastrous consequences for our survival.
I am a little envious of those people now coming out in society as TG. Attitudes have certainly changed for the better.
However the long period of being closeted and feeling ” Mad” is now well and truly over -
Going mad Emma! Definitely not, because you’re talking about the other personas you have, Bubbles & Pinky, you could say they’re a way of experimenting with something new without having to change Emma. Certainly coming out as either Bubbles or Pinky and letting them be the prey on online dating sites will distance Emma and allow you to maintain Emma as Emma is known to many.
I have not yet needed to create a sister for Rosemary, at present I’m living in a pretty quiet space akin to the divorced woman in the burbs who’s 50 something. The local area where I live in the Hunter Valley is a bit conservative as far as T-Girls go, I only remember seeing 2 possible others in the last 18 months, so any trip out always gets a few stares at times from the yokels. One recent shopping trip I was wearing a dress with heels, the yokel girls were all in jeans, leggings or daggy trackies. Yes I stood out, one bloke couldn’t stop staring at me and his wife kept smacking him on the arm because he was staring at me.
So keep on keeping on with Bubbles & Pinky or whoever else you might want to try, if in doubt write a blog in the forum section and I’m happy to contribute as an agony aunt and I’m sure there are plenty of others who will be happy to offer advice to you. Life’s too short to be boring, my neighbours all know about and have seen Rosemary a few have met me as Rosemary and it has resulted in in my life just getting better and removing more barriers I had built around myself.
