What are you afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Or are we just afraid that we’ll hurt the one closest to us? Or maybe we are afraid of rejection?

I think I may have been the “different post”.

If I was, then for me you have the two main reasons above.

I was married to someone for nearly thirty years who hated anything to do with CD’ing, so after a “suitable time” when my new beloved came along I made the decision not to tell for the reasons above.

We live in a rural/regional area, so it’s not just her personal feelings I was worried about It was the impact of the “gossip mill” as well. Not to mention the “gossip mill’s” effect on me. For various reasons, I’m a bit “well known” in this neck of the woods..

Same for back in my “working days”. Did next to nothing CD wise in my home state. I had/have a penchant for establishing a public profile for things I believe in. So 95% of “what Caty did” was either interstate or overseas.

Hope this all makes sense

Caty

[Deleted User]

Yeah the rumour mill is unavoidable. For myself particularly the line of work I’m in forces my feminine side to be locked away from public forever.

[Adrian]

Quote:

What us it that you are most afraid of in relation to your gender.

A good topic for discussion by lifeisajourney, but I’m not sure that the options suggested are particularly exclusive.
I’m also not sure I qualify to comment, except by observation, as it was a long time ago that I started coming out.

But when asked what we seek for the future a large majority of us say we want acceptance.
It isn’t therefore too big a leap to assume that we harbour a fear that we will not be accepted and this looms large in our minds.
We then fear being caught out because we fear that the consequence will be rejection.
It all seems to follow.

The second reason perhaps we steer shy of telling others, is because we aren’t sure ourselves about exactly who we are.
One of my friends once described the process of coming out as a journey – not a journey where we change, but one where we learn more about ourselves. So quite frankly I’m inclined not to believe anyone who says they have it all sorted out.

I don’t think we can completely nail down gender diversity in our heads, let alone explain it to anyone else.
And if we can’t sell the story in a convincing way, what hope have we of being accepted except by the most compasionate and understanding souls.
So, our inability to explain, leads us again to fear being caught out and having to explain.

If it was simple we wouldn’t be here discussing it!

[Anonymous]

For me what do I fear most? Well sort of living the nightmare to be honest. I am alone.
Don’t get me wrong but after Christmas my ex BF called it day. It was some what complex for me as well as he seemed to be ashamed of me, not at my style or dress sense but my age.
The young think they will stay young forever, never facing the fact they to one day will be old.
At 47 I am far from dead. But know in another 20 to 30 years my number will be up, Seeing as they now keep pushing the age I can retire to 67. Thanks baby boomers.
But yes I like to find some one who will enjoy being with me. But see that as another fading dream.
May be I was suppose to live with my two cats and make the best of life?
Who knows?

[Anonymous]

My main fear is rejection from family and friends and feeling safe to be out in public they way I wish to be I know lots of you girls say its all in my head but they are my real concerns and of course fitting in as I feel a lot that if you are not glam and size 8 no one wants to know you

[Anonymous]

I think it the nail on the head, fear of rejection by family and friends. I wouldn’t be concerned about the opinion of those I neither know nor care to know, but being rejected by family is the most hurtful thing I could imagine. I know my son wouldn’t reject me as he, when I told him said it didn’t matter as I was still the same person and that who he knows and loves… If only all people shared those sentiments.

Helen

[Anonymous]

I am luck there in one way I guess my two sons and my eldest sons fiancé do not mind at all or two of my cousins, But there is always the big bad fully male twats in a family who hear all the time saying things about people like me that make it too hard to want to come out. My daughter also hates the thought of me being a woman she leaves the house and does not talk to me for ages if she sees me dressed or even if I try to talk to her.

[Carol]

There are two fears that I have.
First and most important, within the family my wife and three adult daughters know about me. My wife accepts my behaviour as long as no neighbours or friends find out and as long as physical changes go no further. My daughters do not want their husbands or children to know. So it is clear they are ashamed of me and if I push forward I risk losing all connections to the family.
Secondly at age 65, contemplating a very big adventure, I am unsure how long I have left with sufficient marbles to enjoy my new life. Can I at this late stage make my new life work for me or have 50 yrs of hiding my femme side left too many ingrained male traits. Perhaps the new me will never fit in anywhere.
To summarise: for a slight chance of a much better life, I am about to take a step that certainly has a big downside. Is it any surprise that I am hesitating?

[Melissa_Mills]

I have been debating this internally for quite a while now myself.
I keep wanting to take the “fear of discovery” by friends and colleagues out of the equation and there is only one way to do that…..tell or show them. I guess you can try and stop but we all know how effective that can be.
I have never really done that well in dating and have always been a loner and not necessarily by choice, more just out of survival and so always had to debate whether to tell at all (any potential date) or to not tell.
My issues with my neighbour have been well repeated by you and as he is not going away, I will have to try and go another route.
If I cant accept it about myself, how can I expect others to?
If I tell it to some or all of my colleagues and they subject me to any harassment at work, it is written into our company’s anti discrimination policies about you cant be discriminated against or subject to harassment for being transgender or for associating with people who are transgender.
Many people in my life already know I am a crossdresser. I don’t do around them and have no desire to do so.

[Anonymous]

Well let’s concider for a moment the idea of this. We have a secret , we may lie to cover the secret or we may simply not be forth coming with our whole story. This automatically puts guilt on us for we know that it is no good to decieve. We also know from our experience from childhood that not fitting in is detrimental to a happy ending. This leaves us trapped with our secret and we suppress our true selves. We do so to be socially acceptable and we are mostly very good at it after the lifetime of experience. We know that people don’t truly know us and we know that it is wrong to decieve , we also know how we would feel about deception so we don’t doubt that others will feel the same.

Our lives are built on a lie although often we often start out not really knowing what we are hiding we know we stand on shaky ground. The common thing here of course is to feel very uncomfortable and unhappy , fear of what will happen if the truth is revealed is justified by our own knowledge of how we would feel. I see every reason to be fearful from our knowledge . With a life that is not the truth it is a wonder that any relationship survives , however not everyone veiws life the same thankfully so with some delicate handling it is possible.

When one comes out in the full frontal sence it is often as bigger challenge to those around as to the person coming out . Unless they have recognised something it completely alters what they know to be you and brings their judgment into question. There are many more questions than it is possible for any person to ask and for a lot of people it is overwhelming I am sure.

As more information and exposure is given to gender diversity in the media and culture in general , I am imagining it will become easier but I can’t believe it will ever be truly easy. I have noticed that quite a number of people who come out are quite confronting in the process , I know that is often down to the psychological advice to think of ones self to resolve the depression often felt . What I see is this abrupt coming out is often destruction of relationships and I suppose you could not expect less when people have almost no time to think.

There’s always a risk , irrespective of the method though and in the end it comes do to what will do more damage , keeping the secret or telling the truth and for each this is an individual thing that is not possible for others to judge. Hope I didn’t ramble or wander of topic. Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous]

i have been reading these posts from the other girls, and seems to me that Fear and Guilt are the main culprits in our quest to be happy as who we are. So true! Just to make it short, in my case i made a conscientious decision and was prepared to loose love ones along the way and still doing so as i write….not easy to have a marriage of 20 years and having to be on my own….that is Fear to me, but don’t i have the right to be happy also?
Guilt? yes plenty when i have and will destroy entire families (daughter included) but again when would have been my time? when i can’t travel anywhere? or too old to enjoy life? i gave my life for my love ones, Now is my turn as selfish as it may sound i want to live happy for once.
It takes a lot to be a transgender!
The answer to the original Question , i am not afraid of anything anymore.

[Elizabeth]

I wonder just how long the question of ‘What are you afraid of’ has been around for? My guess is one zillion years and will continue to be around for yet another zillion years. I’m sure this question has been discussed previously on TrG. The reply has always been rejection and abandonment, usually by family and friends, hence that is why so many are still behind the closet door, and who would blame them? A dilemma indeed. Would you prefer to reject living the proverbial lie or to carry on deceiving not only all those around you but more importantly, yourself. Self deception is destructive in the long run mainly because such a deception stifles personal creativity, openess and most of all the ability to be one’s true self. The eternal lie prevents everyone around you from knowing the real and open you, but the alternative for many if not most is too horrible to even contemplate; including me.
Rejection. To my mind living the lie is a personal rejection, we cannot accept ourselves as we are, so how can we expect others, family, friends to accept us, the real us?
Its the same old story, acceptance. Before we even consider coming out, being open, what sort of life we would like for ourselves, we have to come to personal acceptance, that is most important. You cannot expect others to accept you if you cannot, for whatever reason accept yourself.
Self acceptance is fundamentally what one must work on, then perhaps the fear may slowly melt away.

[Terri_2]

very strange, have just had this same discussion with my best friend, he is the only non TGR person aware of Terri, without having seen this thread, was taliking about my inability to tell my sister, my only close kin & a few years older & I’m sure she wouldn’t be concerned, but just seems to be impossible to bring up the subject, though I’ve been attempting to do it for a few yaers, I do have have plans, if courage permits, of coming out to a lot more friends after I retire later this year
hope this makes sense
Terri

[Jennifer_1]

Fear of rejection was the biggest concern for me. I suppose ridicule is also in there as well. For this reason I found that for years I was carrying this “big secret” around. My greatest fear was that others would find out. It was the secret that dominated so many aspects of my life. When I finally let others know my secret it suddenly had no power over me.

It is such a strain to live in fear of someone finding out that thing you have been hiding for years. The main thing I have found is that when I have let others know about my journey they have been supportive most of the time, a few have been puzzled and have problems understanding but the only outright rejection has been from my son, which has hurt. Even so, I could not continue on with the pressure of the “big secret” hanging over me. Getting rid of the secret has been the most liberating thing I have ever done.

It gets down to your own decision, can you live with the secret or not.

Cheers Jenn

[Anonymous]

Maybe the only thing keeping most of us from coming out partially or fully is just fear. Fear and fear alone, it doesn’t need a label, like fear of losing someone, fear of peoples reactions it’s just fear itself.

I think fear generates the reasons within us, picking on the things we love the most and scaring ourselves into thinking we will lose them.
Not that they aren’t valid reasons to be scared of, but fear itself I think is the culprit.

I will probably miss the mark here with my words and you will all think I’m crazy, because I don’t always explain myself very well. There it is, fear again making me doubt my own post.

So that is my suggestion, just plain ordinary FEAR! Perhaps I have wandered into a new discussion here, does fear generate reasons or are the reasons generating the fear. Interesting!