Wrong house, right contents?

[Elizabeth]

My God! when I read Chloe’s thread I became almost more confused about myself than ever. Like Chloe and probably a thousand others who are gender confused I’ve been stuggling for years, no, a lifetime around my gender and really have never come to a satisfactory conclusion to explain my utter and total confusion. Again like thousands before me and thousands since I definately thought I was the only person in the world like me, so therefore I must be unique. That was shot down in flames at an early stage, but without a satisfactory answer or explanation which may have directed me on a correct course through my life so easing my utterly confused mind into something quite tangible. What the hell am I?
Like Chloe, for many, many years I was a crossdresser, or in those far off days a transvestite. That somehow never sat right, because I always had this inner nagging feeling that crossdresser didn’t fit. So, I must be something else, but what? I couldn’t confidently say I hated my male genitals, again because I wasn’t sure. TS’s I was led to believe considered their male genitals an abomination which the only course of action was to rid themselves of that abomination and create a facsimile of female genitals. I was never sure where I fitted on that score. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, life went on as a male, and the years quickly passed with my male genitalia intact, but my mind still in continued utter confusion. No one appeared able to direct me to a solution, either by the experts, nor the alledged experts. Then what? some bright spark came up with all these alternative handles, but none really fitted nor explained ‘me’ to my satisfaction. Perhaps I was just an unexplained weirdo?
Transgender went some way as an explanation, but that label is an umbrella term only and, again doesn’t explain my feelings. I tried ‘the’ expert, Dr Fintan Harte, not bad, and readily open to providing the usual pills and potions etc, except for my terrible health concerns. I was left with nothing, ‘up in the air’
Eventually, the only satisfactory answer came to me in an inspired moment in time. I was ‘me’. It really never mattered what the official answer was. I just thought and said to myself, I’m me, and it doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean Chloe, I know who I am inside and accept who I am on the outside. I have to work in male clothing which I can accept as I know this does not change “me” from being “me”. I dress in female clothing all the other time but very androgynous ie jeans, t-shirts, tops etc. I don’t feel the need to put a face on all the time and most of my female friends don’t wear any makeup at all. As for surgery, I don’t hate my anatomy and can easily live with it, it’s been tucked out of the way for over 38 years so it knows it’s place by now, LoL. I know a lot of people hate the term “shemale” but I am very comfortable with it, as it is something I have identified with myself siince I was 11 years old when I saw a story in a Post Magazine. As soon as I read the article and saw the person with small breasts and their genitals tucked out of the way I knew that this was me. My body is now the same and I am very happy with this and I know that as society slowly changes their conception on TG/TS etc people then more and more of us will be strong enough to accept who we are.

[Adrian]

What a long post Chloe, and so many points we could discuss!
As for where it belongs – just let it run and the moderators can always move house.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said:
Great minds discus ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people

Let’s discuss ideas….

The idea that you might be transsexual.
[ul]
You write “I am male & psychologically that’s O.K.” – so I suggest you drop the transsexual label.

When I look in the mirror unclothed what I see is as ambiguous as how I often present in public. It’s interesting to see the term shemale crop up in this thread as it is certainly a label with a very bad press. The term is mostly used to describe others (on a certain type of web site) so I find it challenging to hear others use it to describe themselves. But as what I see in the mirror is a reflection of my inner makeup – and you could call it a shemale (or perhaps a manshe?).

Our big advantage is that the mirror often lies – and what we see is often what we want to see. But if you are comfortable with that – then physical form is not the issue – and so transexual isn’t a destination.
[/ul]

The idea that it matters when others read your gender
[ul]
This is a puzzle for me. As I go about my daily life as “me” I rarely spare a thought for what others are reading – because I have learnt that their visualization of me and the conclusions they may jump to are not a factor in my happiness.

About 15 years ago when I was setting out on my journey with Seahorse I wrote (on a long gone web site) that I saw “being Amanda” as a bit of a show – like acting – a conscious switching of personas. At that time, I was I think more interested in what others saw (the show) than projecting my true personality with any accuracy. Well to be honest I don’t think I knew who I was then. That was the glorious time for me of uncomfortable heels, formal dressing, and going to Balls.

At some point in the journey I stopped dressing a certain way for others, and started just dressing the way I wanted to be. The show was over for me.

So maybe the worry about others not reading you as female is something that will pass with time. After all you are relatively new on this journey. Others on this site have spent a lifetime trying to cover up the fact they are gender diverse, and so are perhaps more comfortable slipping through society with a degree off stealth.

Ask yourself which is more important – the way you feel about your gender, or the way others perceive you. Is the show fundamental to you? Maybe it is at the moment.
[/ul]

The idea that you can wear any clothing and be recognized as feminine
[ul]
This flows on from the “show” but you mention it a couple of times. Let me be the person to prick that balloon – someone has to!

To get to the heart of this dream I think you have to question why it is that genetic women who were out the back when God handed out the looks and body shape packs never get addressed as “Sir”. I know well – as I have a gender diverse sister who wears drab clothes, looks drab, and is anything but feminine. BUT with all that baggage she is still considered instantly by others as a “she”. I’ve watched my sister all my life…the sad truth is she has something that with all the surgery in the world I cannot achieve.

Now let’s look very objectively at all the people we know in our community – catch them at their best – at a Ball – or socializing on the town. Even with hormones, face surgery and whatever money can buy, can we honestly say that we don’t read that they were born male -or at least walk away with a feeling something doesn’t quite gel?

I know I’m not being nice or politically correct here – and maybe “it takes one to recognize one” – but dress 99% of our community in male work clothes and I guarantee you won’t read them as unambiguously female. The exceptions often are those who embraced their true gender early in life, as youth is a great asset in these matters.

I used to think this obsession with trying to achieve dreams through surgery was a male thing – the stereotypical compulsion of genetic males to fix things up physically rather than by talking about it. But then the rush of women going for boob jobs and face lifts shows that the desire to be “more feminine” is across the board – much to the advantage of cosmetic surgeons.

Physically in many ways I’m not the same as I was 20 years ago, but I can honestly say that the motive behind those changes was so I could personally project being more feminine. I would never think that the changes I have made would convince people I was female. That is a dream – sadly also a very expensive dream.
[/ul]

There so many more ideas we could discuss – but I have the idea this is long enough for one post.

My summary is that the house is quite irrelevant in the long term – it is the contents that matter more!

[Anonymous]

The pool of self reflection gets deeper as you look longer , and I think the harder you focus on the pool the more you disturb the sediments and cloud your view. It runs beyond gender and sexuality we all fail to appreciate the fullness of our humanity inspite of what we believe to the contrary. If one is satisfied with in ones self that is what matters.

I try not to look to deep because life is better lived than questioned and I would rather not fall in the pool and drown in the muck I have disturbed lol.

All that said I walk around causing confusion, I dress in female sports wear almost every day use some foundation and a light color lippy, with a bit of bling and twenty mm ear rings, it’s madam or sir or sometimes both , oh the shoulder length blond hair and boobs add to that confusion.

So I guess I put it on others to be confused, but there are a few times now and then that I leave no doubt that I’m being male me or girl me . Hope I haven’t strayed off course like others are saying here I am just me.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to all who have replied. In all sincerity, all the replies have had a positive impact on my thoughts. Essentially, for a very long time I have understood that other peoples view of me doesn’t determine the outcome of my life or my happiness, unless of course I allow them too.

When composing the original post, I was at another of those pivotal points in my journey of gender understanding, I was becoming confused as I have indicated.

As I had hoped, the view seen from another’s perspective quickly sorted that out. I was too close to see that as Kristyana mentioned, I was disturbing the sediment.

Receiving responses from the general public that are almost always, at least acceptance & often very friendly & kind, coupled with the points made in your replies, I am reminded that people have no problem accepting me as girl born as a boy.

Karly mentioned the term ‘shemale’ & I’m glad she did. I understand that to many, it is an unmentionable term because of the implications but like Karly, when I first saw a person presenting that way, I felt at ease with what I saw, it made sense to me.

Thanks for the help, I feel considerably clearer in my thoughts about my identification.

The address, tenant & contents are comfortably at home together.

[Anonymous]

Chloe I was very interested by this part of your post:-

UNDRESSED
When viewing myself undressed, I am not appalled by my male anatomy but when my body appears more like that of a female, I increasingly find that I am looking at a correct reflection of ‘me’, it’s like arriving at the right address, rather than living in someone else’s house.

I recently posted an item which I think I called ‘a moment’. It was more of a revelation to me because I had looked at myself in a mirror and realised that the reflection looking back was totally feminine. Now I am wondering if this was just a subconscious thought sneaking into real time or my mind accepting me for what I perceive myself to be.

So does this mean that I have accepted myself finally and the truth was in the mirror all the time or am I quietly going mad.

[Anonymous]

A wonderful post Chloe.I thought i had it all sorted but unlike you i am still confused.I look at myself naked in the mirror and i love my male genetils and love my breasts and wish they were bigger.I love being in female mode and at times wish it was permanent.At other times i must say i enjoy being male but not as often as being in femme mode.

Due to family i cant fully transition and i guess that is the problem.I did start but was asked not to and as i always do i think of others before myself.I guess this is alot to do with why i have some mental issues god i hate saying that.Maybe we could meet up and chat about it all over coffee or dinner. I just wish i could find a medium between the two so i could live a normal life again.

[Anonymous]

Peta said,
“I just wish i could find a medium between the two.”

Well said.

This is exactly one of the issues that faces intersex people. The root of the problem is that most of the poplutation (even some people with trans/gender issues) buy into this polar dichotomy of ‘must be either male OR female’. (Baby born: First Q: Is it a boy or girl ?)

One of the ways that we can help break down this entrenched value system is to find a way to live our lives and express ourselves in an acceptable way as being neither entirely male or entirely female.

Some people have coined terms like “spansexual” for example.

There are also many cultures where people that have characteristics of both genders have a special ‘place’ and are highly regarded.

A person with ‘gender issues’ may be able to save themselves (and those around them) some grief/harship by being able to ‘recalibrate’ from a black/white geneder model to one where they can more comfortably express a range of modes/behavious.

In short, it may be possible to avoid some of the angst of trying to decide between male and female, by embracing and trying to feel as comfortable as possible a middle space.

This may not work for everyone, but the ‘either one or the other’ gender model we have causes a lot of grief. (Just ask intersex people !)

hugs and merry Xmas
Chris

[Samantha_4]

A gay friend of mine once noted “Of course it was God’s big joke…….to create nine sexes and then tell people that there were only two!”

[Anonymous]

Pamela, you have mirrored my thoughts;

Quote:

So does this mean that I have accepted myself finally and the truth was in the mirror all the time or am I quietly going mad.

I wonder the same thing when I allow myself to think about it. The jury is out.
I suspect it’s a bit like trying to work out why my favourite colour is purple. There may well be an answer but I doubt that knowing the answer will improve the way I feel about my favourite colour, so I just try to accept it & enjoy it.