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CDing and Marital Failure
Ladies,
I have found myself in a situation I that I was hoping I would not be in again. And that is the complete breakdown of my second marriage. My SO has left and has sited CDing as “Part” of the problem. This I find relatively difficult to understand as she has helped me with my CDing. A few things she has done voluntarily (no I have never had to push) are:
1. Encouraging me to join The Seahorse Society.
2. Taken me shopping for clothing and accessories.
3. Ensuring I have time to dress by taking the step-kids (now grown up) out for the day.
4. Occasionally sewing a couple of garments for me.
5. Helping in selecting the right make-up to buy.
6. Suggesting which wigs to purchase so they suit me.
7. Selecting some of her own wardrobe that no longer fits to pass on to me.
8. Has taken me for a couple of evening picnics as the girls.
9. Has joined me at Mardi Gras once.
10. And most importantly picked out my Femme name for me.I just find it a bit tough to understand why, when things do get heated and we argue that she constantly brings up my CDing and puts me down about it. Then she tells me she is jealous of Hayley and can never tell me where it comes from. Yet on good days she tells me that she is proud of the fact that I admit to myself who I am. That she says I am a beautiful woman.
I know we have other problems in our lives that contributed to the seperation, but just cannot for the life of me understand why she has to use my CDing as an excuse. Or is it merely to hurt me? She knew before she moved interstate to be with me that this is who I am. I originally told her about my CDing over the phone, and then when I went to visit her before she moved up, and we discussed it in depth together. She said if that was who I was then so be it. Yes, we had sat and discussed a set of compromises to be able to fit CDing in to our lives. And it has gone well. Yet she still drives a vicious nail into my heart when she uses my CDing to attack me.
Have any other Ladies had similar experiences? I am now coping well with what has happened and am quite happy living on my own. But would just like to try to understand a bit better. I refuse to let this drive me, but wish to have my curiosity satisfied. If any other ladies have experienced similar I would like to hear how they coped and am willing to help others in similar situations.
Thanks for your patience Ladies. Best wishes and happy hugs.
This post is in no way meant to offend any forum members. If however you are offended please let me know and I will amend the post.
Juliann
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17 Replies
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Hayley
I am not in your situation – yet!!
I told my partner about two years ago now that I was TS. Initially she took the news quite well but she rapidly became more depressed about it. In particular fearing a lack of future and a general feeling of loss. Since then she has changed her life – recommenced her career and found other interests – in some senses she is happier now. For my part I have compromised to a large degree and she prefers not to see me dressed or be involved in any way – but i accept that.
Nevertheless and this is the but – my being TG is an easy target – and in any argument that becomes at all heated – it will be raised in some way.
So I don’t kid myself – she still has an underlying dislike for my TGism and some angst which surfaces periodically.So I am not surprised that your ex has raised it even after all this time and assistance. We seem to forget that our partners did not set out to marry ‘women’ – even part time women.
Fiona xx
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Saddens me to see this happen to anyone. I,too went down this road some years ago with my last GG girlfriend.
I was honest with her from the beginning and told her of my passion for being Monique. At that stage of my life I was still closeted. After the initial shock had worn off,she became very interested in helping me improve myself. Included in this was christening me Monique,improving my makeup and wardrobe. Eventually she convinced me to go to Seahorse.
The end result was she was only doing it to keep the relationship alive. We had our problems(other than my TG lifestyle) and she felt that encouraging me would keep the relationship going.
It didnt work and we parted under a dark cloud,with me vowing never to get involved with a GG again.
One of her comments at the time were”I got involved with a guy not a girl”,and ” you look better in the clothes than I do”…….
Jealousy perhaps………I know later when I heard from her she had deeply rooted bisexual feelings and was looking at getting involved in a lesbian relationship….
May I make a suggestion to anyone going through a Maritial breakup. If you are in Sydney try the Gender Centre’s councellor,Elizabeth. She is wonderful woman who can help you understand the issues and sort out the difficulties we ALL face………..It maybe of help……hugz
Monique -
Ladies,
I am not sure what I can add to the discussion but feel the need to confirm the trend.I have been dressing since I was about 12 and several months after I got married I told my wife about my “hobby”.
My wife was not happy and said that she would have to think about it.
That was nearly 30 years ago. Since then I have been very much in the closet and we have successfully raised 2 children, a girl age 18.5 and a boy age 13.5.
When I turned 50 (2000) I vowed that I would make attempt to be more frank about my dressing and since then have had both ears pierced and wear androgynous jewellry all the time (even to work) and my clothes have become more androgyn.
My wife refuses to openly discuss cross dressing despite the fact that there is a whole bunch of clothes and underwear in my wardrobe that is obviously female, (I am sure the kids know because the first thing that you do when you are home alone is go through the folks wardrobe) and yet it is the underlying core of:
1) the disdain with which she treats me.
2) the fact that she has told me that I am not to approach her sexually, she will let me know when she is “ready”
3) She will not tolerate open discussion in family financial matters. Essentially what she says goes because she has no faith in my judgement (I have two degrees one in technology and one MBA)It clouds every discussion. I still love the woman and still wish to be married to her, consequently I am still here after 31 years next April.
(I am sorry if I have let go a bit too much there but gosh it feels good)
Lots of hugs to all of you out there who are so desperately in need of them
Luv
Letisha -
Though wives may celebrate having found the new girl in you…. there is also a sence of loss for your old boy self. I have seen it often… wives have to go through a grieving process as if the old you was dying and go through the stages os all grieving : deniel, anger ……… etc. They need major support and understanding to finally reach acceptance. If ever.
they are grieveing (whether they realise it or not) and meanwhile you are in celebrations mode. WHoo hooo!!! shopping, dressing going on outings. After a while they might blame the femme side for killing the partner they knew and see her stomping on his grave. They may see the femme side as a competition for your attention and become jeaslous.
to help overvcome this, you must try to NOT have seperate male and female personas. You must reassure your parther that your femme side has ALWAYS been there and has always been part of the person they fell in love with. You must not appear to be guilty or ashamed as if you have done something wrong to you male self. Help them understand that you just now wish to express your feminine side more in a way that can be seen. Keep famiy routines as much the same as possible.
Spoil you partner. what ever attention you both give to your new out girl self lavish twice as much on her. In time and clothes. If you have new lingerie so should she! If you want to make it part of your sex life be careful. She may not want ot feel like a lesbian ( or she just might!) Most wives are happier having a new best girlfriend. In fact she will love it telling secrets, shopping together, bitching about others. a first step might be just a cuddle like being teenages again (big turn on for wives) Long petting sessions. Then change back to your boy self for sex.
Hope this is some help from a wifes point of view. Celleste GG
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Thank you so much for this posting Letisha, your post is almost identical to my problems here at home only my daughter now 28 lives in Sydney 1400 klms away from us and it wasn’t until recently I found out that she has changed into a Lesbian.
I cant let go, although I am comng out this year, big time, because I cannot stand the hurt inside me for staying as a man, This is really going to hurt me and do not know who will suffer the most on this one, but if I keep going the way I am I will probably end up in a psychiatric hospital or something. I am really getting to the point know where I detest mens clothing in a big way although my wife recently found all my femme clothes, shoes, lingerie and make up and now I have nothing. She hasnt said much too me about it but the subtle hints and looks I get is enough to tell me she hates my femme side.
Maybe I am a little mixed up what too do, but my present situation has just got to change. It is also coing to be very hard for me to build up my wardrobe again being on a pension, maybe go to second hand shops to start again.
Celeste I thank you for all these tips as I am pretty well much of a loner and try to do things on my own but recently some Adelaide girls have been very helpful on other matters with my change over.
Being rather “new” to South Australia I find it difficult to find the correct mdical help I need such as a counsellor, gp, etc and this iis where some of the girls have helped out. Hopefully when I meet up weith the girls on Saturday I will be able to find a little more info out.
Well thats about it for now.
Hugs
Vanessa -
I agree with some and disagree with others on this one ladies..
I came out to my GG partner four years ago. It was a big disaster but I have an honesty policy and couldn’t in all consiousness let her move in with me without her knowing everything. The long and short of that was that Emma disappeared for 12 months. THE longest 12 months I’ve ever spent.
It transpired that she eventually came to terms with the fact that Emma & my male mode were inextricably intertwined – as we ALL know there is no such thing as an ex-cd. But this is where my experience differs a little: I have, and always will, keep both sides separate. Emma has different interests, different tastes etc to the ‘guy’. This is not something I’ve conciously done it’s just how things have evolved over the past 30 years. The ‘guy’is very sporty, a bit blokey, and lives in the mans man world. Emma is a bit flighty, loves a laugh, and really anything goes once the wig is on. My partner accepts this and is quite happy to tap into Emma when deciding on her own clothes and makeup as I have reasonably good taste.
If we argue however the point of least resistance is Emma. A slur on your feminine self just cuts right through you. I have had that experience and even as I write this I feel myself tensing at the thought of it. That being said, about 18 months ago things got to a head. It was one comment too many so I laid it on the line- Emma is staying..she has her life to lead and if you don’t like it well bad luck. You HAVE to make a stand at some point and decide what is worth more? A miserable closetted existence or single life again but your feminine side is intact?.
My GG understood that I meant it. She doesn’t give me any grief about it anymore and helps me wherever she can….I am not saying she is crazy about Emma but we reached a point and then moved on.
The thing I came out of it with is this: There will ALWAYS be a little bit of ‘them & us’ about our lifestyle but a soon as we start REALLY behaving like them (clothes/makeup/chat etc) that appears to be the point where they call HALT. What happens next is not up to them it is up to us- if you really think you can suppress your girlishness for the next 30 years then do it…if not, well you better sort it out quick or move on because living a lie is no life at all. -
Hi Hayley Faith and all who have written here. This is the first time I have written in the forum so here I go. My heart goes out to you all who have found that expressing your strong feminine side/nature (and it is strong or we wouldn’t be here in this forum) proves to be the rock on which your relationship founders. We can’t deny our true nature and a relationship without love and truth is no relationship at all.
A message of hope for you is my wonderful situation. I struggled with (and denied) my strong female self all my life, except fpr furtive occasions when i dressed in whatever I could find at rare opportunities. Then I met met my current partner who I decided I could trust and she was the first person I ever told about Melody, I took a big risk, but it paid off. She is such an open, gentle and loving person and, after an initial adjustment period, accepts me as I am, all of me and loves all of me. Now I can be myself openly with another for the first time in my life.
Our love is strong and I am all here, regardless of how I am dressed. It is somewhat of a menage a trois, one filled with love, acceptance, truth and joy. I guess I am one of the lucky ones, so live in hope ladies and be true to your nature and yourselves.
Thankyou for reading this and I wish you all love, peace and fulfillment.
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Hi Hayley,
I am in a very similar position as yourself..I was totally supported in my C.D. by my partener of 18 years ..We attended Seahorse and many functions over a 10 year period..including the Sydney Balls.I was a siz 18 at the start but soon started too loose weight and which enabled moi too dress in a younger and more fashionable manner…I still have my old dresses and they look like tents or an add for JEnNY CRAIG…befor and after…As I became more adept at makeup and became more passable I noticed my partener started too have misgivings when I was complimented or shown attention.My ex started too buy moi..clothes that were very baggy and would suit my grandmother…..Also she started too make comments about my waxing which I have always done as I dont like excessive body hair..My ex was always borrowing using my girl stuff so as I became her size she would lend me her clothes.I noticed a shocked look on her face when I started wearing clothes she could no longer fit into..One day out of the blue she stated that it was no longer acceptable for moi to be C.D….we are now seperated…..I have just won custody of my child even though my Ex has totally outed moi! too the courts ,friends,family,new GIRLFRIEND!! and work….I really think that she was unable too accept the competition rather than the c.d.
Luv Ella -
Ella,
Honey this is a mistake alot of Girls make… your last comment. I have never considered myself in competition with my former SO. Not even emulate her. As I explained to her I am a different person both in and out of GirlGear. I think it was more of a case of finding simpathy within herself for having to put up with someone so “Confused”.
My Mum has no problem neither does my father, so now I have moved on and am living my life, my way. Yes, the separation hurt, but when I think about the struggle I had to go through to keep my identity, the the hurt didn’t last long once freedom was thrust into my hands.
I have now been living alone for a couple of weeks. The CDing has not taken over as I thought it might, and with a very supportive female friend who only ever calls me by my Male name when in company, I smile and accept the cards I have been dealt.
We all travel a rocky road whether we be CD, TG, Bi, Gay, etc. or not. We should just take it a day at a time and enjoy the life we have been given. I may not be able to go out as my true self, but at least I can sit comfortably in the privacy of my residence and enjoy being free to be me.
Thank you all for your kind comments insights and experiences, I would love to hear how many more have been through these difficult times and how they have overcome or not.
Love to all.
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Hi HAYLEY FAITH ,
I currently have new GIRL!!! in my life that is totally supportive off Ella !!!!!We go everywhere as Ella and GIRLFRIED !!!!!There was no mistake made on MOI !!!part…….I am a Gorgeous GIRL and I need too get out and have fun !!!!!!!
LUV ELLA -
Hi everyone, my first time on the forum so bear with me. Having discovered my true femme self for real after the break up of my first marriage I joined the Chameleons in WA. I just could not get enough. What a revelation. There were actually people like me in the world! Over the next two years I was at as many meetings as I could get to. Then I met a lovely girl and things started getting serious. I decided it was best to tell her about Phillippa before we went any further (engagement?). She was taken aback at first but after thinking about it put it like this: I would rather you dressed as a woman occasionally than, did drugs, drank too much, beat me up or played around with other women! She also liked the idea of a partner who was great to go shopping with. I have developed my “look” over the years with her help as she was keen for me to look as passable as possible. She still has fears about me going dressed in public and does not want me to shave my legs
but is very supportive all the same. I guess the main thing is tell them as soon as you feel you trust them and give them an out if in a new relationship. One of the members here in Perth uses it as a filter. When she getting serious with a new partner she tells them about her femme self and sees what happens! Good luck to you all. Phillippa -
Ella,
I was not having a go by the way, just saying that competition is often a mistake that is made by many girls. Try to emulate the femme but never compete unless it is invited by your partner.
On a happier note though…I am happy for you that you have a new partner who accepts you for you. And encourages you to develop and grow as a woman. This type of encouragement is what most of us seek so that we may grow and reach our goals. Good on you Girl. I hope the both of you remain happy together for a very long time. It’s nice to hear you have a partner who wants the best for you both.
Juliann
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I also have a good news story! Just in the last three months I have come out to my girlfriend of 5 years about my dressing. Not only has she been accepting but has, just yesterday, said “yes” (screamed in delight is another way of putting it!!!!) to marry me late next year. Her only condition was that SHE wanted to be the one to wear the wedding dress at the ceremony, afterwards in the privacy of a hotel room she might consider letting me try it on! LOL
I never thought I would find a girl that would accept me for who I am, let alone one I loved this much. This is going to be my 2nd marriage after my first broke down for a number of reasons including her not accepting my dressing.
Up until 3 months ago I feared that my gf (now my fiance) would also leave me if I told her. Right now though I can’t understand why I didn’t tell her sooner. I guess in a relationship honesty is the best policy. And I don’t just mean our honesty in telling our partners but also their honesty in telling us how they really feel about it.
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Cathii, I am so glad it worked out for you. It can be such a mine field.
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Quote:Cathii, I am so glad it worked out for you. It can be such a mine field.
Mostly it was a mine field inside my head. I ran through every possible disaster scenario I could and never even dared to dream that she would be accepting of the situation. I worked up to telling her for about 18 months and one day just blurted it out. I have not however told my 13yo daughter. I don’t know what to say to her. But I have been introducing her to the idea that it is not a freak show if a boy dresses up like a girl and the other way around. Hopefully I will be able to get up the courage to tell her one day but for now I am taking baby steps.
