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“Its a gift. This is a gift”
“ It’s a gift. This is a gift”.
A quote from a book by Eddie Izzard called “Believe Me” , a Xmas present from my Son and Daughter in Law who know I’m a great fan.
Eddie came out as “TV” as he calls it in his book, in 1985. Back then ,in the UK, there were two support groups for people coming out as TV or TS. One was the Beaumont Society which catered for mostly older male to female transgender people and the other was the TV/TS Help Group which was more focussed on younger people like Eddie at the time. He made contact and went to a few of their meetings.
From page 216
……”One guy I met there said he was going to be a lawyer but that he couldn’t wear a dress while doing his job – being a transgender guy in a conservative law firm just wasn’t going to work for him.
But then he said something amazing. He said “It’s a gift. This is a gift” And I said, “Being TV is a gift? I don’t think I would use that word, gift “
“No you have to look at it as a gift”
That stayed with me, and though it took me a few years I eventually realised that he was right. Being trans – LGBT+, whatever you want to call your alternative sexuality – is a gift.
Its just a really tricky gift, one that’s quite difficult to handle, but as I’ve said , we’re all given these genetic cards and we have to play them as well as we can. It was a most unusual gift to me ,since I don’t look terribly girly. Which should mean that hopefully most people know when I walk down the street in girl mode that it’s not been an easy journey. I did not casually jump to my decision to come out and I always have to be ready to deal with the possible negative reaction from others.
But it has made me stronger. It has made me know what it means to stand up and try to speak openly about sexuality and life. I wear my gift now as battle armour. I came out thirty two years ago, which means Iv’e fought my through for a bloody long time. I didn’t get get helicoptered into this place where I am now. I had to fight my way through . And at times its been bloody hard fight. And so I just keep going, trying to find a space for myself, and for anyone else, who is on the same path.”Eddie has quite a few tips about how to deal with negative reactions from others but the book is mostly about his long journey to becoming the successful artist he is today.
Well worth reading IMO
I wonder if any of you also share with me that feeling that “It’s a gift “ ? -
27 Replies
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Yes Caroline, it’s a gift alright. I will write on the topic, however, I will need to compose at my leisure.
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Yes!!! It is a gift. I feel so privileged, especially now I have had the courage to come out and enjoy the experience the way I do, I was literally just in Honey Birdette in Chatswood buying some stockings and chatting to the girls in there has made my day. It’s wonderful being different and proud of it. Thank you for this post. I will try and get his book now.
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Caroline, it IS a gift, a very wonderful gift. I have always been thankful for my life-changing journey. When I look back and think of who I was and what I have become, I am grateful, so grateful to be where I am now. Most importantly, I am happy with who I am, and isn’t that really the ultimate thing?
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I absolutely agree that this is a gift and I am tremendously grateful that I have been blessed with it. It is a wonderful source of pleasure and excitement that has been added to my life and one that only a small percentage of males have been graced with. Without this gift I would have a perfectly pleasant and fulfilled life. With it I am able to enjoy experiences of femininity , sensuality, arousal and attention from others that make my life so much better. To me there are no negative aspects of wanting to express my female persona.
There is nothing to compare wit it. -
‘It’s a Gift’
I would like to say being transgender is irrevocably a wonderful gift. As I’ve progressed in years I realise just how lucky we are; however I’m also mindful of the other side of the coin. While I wholeheartedly appreciate just where I am, being an old bugger and transgender I remember the horrible times I’ve been decried, lambasted for being a little different and the times I have been left in tears. Times is a changing thank God. -
Hi Caroline and everyone, Thanks for sharing your thought with everyone, until your article I don’t ever remember thinking of being TG as a gift but now I’ve had a bit of time to think about it, oh yes it is. At this point in time, “2020” it’s just getting better to live as a full time TG, I’ve had no direct hassles in public for some years with only 2 or 3 shop assistants not wanting or reluctant to serve me whilst shopping in the last 3 or 4 years. I still find at times it amusing the bulged eye look you get from some people when they realize your TG but most just treat you without question, especially the small business owners who are always trying to sell you more. I drove from Newcastle to Melbourne in November, stopping overnight at Goulburn and Wangaratta and then a local motel and every one was very helpful everywhere. I guess the part I like about the gift of a MTF-TG is becoming the person I want to be on my own terms in my own time. One thing I have found over the last 2 years, being mainly Rosemary, is women’s clothes are nicer and more comfortable to wear than men’s clothes and I now identify myself as Rosemary all the time who still needs to dress in “drag,” men’s clothes, for the work place, roll on retirement in July.
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Girls,
Thanks so much for your responses. Great to read them ! Six affirmative responses and no negatives so far !! is pretty good , but of course TGR Membership totals around 250 so six out of 250 may seem very low. Not very many people are active on the forums though
You are among the exceptions !!However ! ,,,, The survey that Adrian ran in 2017 DID address this point and 58 % of us then reported feeling very positive about our Gender Diversity. That figure was up from the 2011 figure of around 40%.
When I read that statement in Eddies Book it was like hearing a Loud Gong.. I have felt that way for quite a while but way it was expressed in the book was just amazing
I’ve met some wonderful people as a direct result of being TG and have had some truly memorable fun times at our events and as I say in my profile I just plan on doing more.
Best Wishes to all for 2020
Caroline
xxxx -
I spent a large portion of my life believing it to be more a curse than a gift. The strong emotions it generated and the feeling of not belonging have always torn at me. For a long time I even associated anything bad which happened in my life to me being Trans, that’s how messed up it made me at times. Definitely a roller coaster ride of exhilarating highs and deep lows.
On the flip side I have always put me being Trans as the primary reason I’m so tolerant, accepting and loving. It shaves off the hard and sharp male edges and makes me a really empathetic person. I also cite this with my wife over the years as making me the person I am.
Now back to the question as to whether it’s a gift or not. If you had asked me twelve months ago I would have gone with the curse view. However, after a pretty serious meltdown early 2019 and then taking part in Mardi Gras I gained the confidence to start coming out. The love and affection has really bowled me over and I feel less like a freak and more like a gifted person. The journey is far from over, but it often takes a eureka moment to make you realise just how special you are.
2020, the Trans Year of being Gifted xx
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I still think and feel that our GIFT is a bloody curse at times. Whole heartedly agree with you. Must look on the bright side of life.
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A gift? Well I suppose for me it comes down to thinking about the Christmas period we’ve all just been through. You know, those situations where you’re given a gift that you receive graciously but secretly wish it had been something else.
If I could, would I give this ‘gift’ back?
For a long time I’m sure the answer would have been “yes”. I grew up in the 60s, the days when the goal of being a ‘real man’ was expected of every boy. Although my parents never knew of my inner desires, my mother frequently told me that I wasn’t a ‘normal’ boy. I much preferred being alone to read rather than rough-housing with friends. I coveted the dolls that my sister had to play with, the closest I got was a GI Joe ‘action figure’ (because of course, boys didn’t play with dolls!). I remember once trying to see if any of my sister’s Barbie doll clothes would fit poor Joe. What a joke. Ironically, Joe had the same problem I was to experience many years later – it was impossible to find clothes that fitted.
Today though, my thoughts are very different. As difficult as it can be at times, I am glad I’m transgender. My wife has often been told what a ‘wonderful’ husband I am. She is quite willing to tell people that I’m TG, I believe this gift is what softens my approach to interaction with others. I’m not a ‘macho’ person, nor have I ever been. I tried, in those denial days, very much “The lad(y) doth protest too much, methinks”.
It’s 2020, the world is rapidly changing around us, not all that change being good, but one thing is certain in my mind.
I would not give that gift back. It’s mine and I love it. -
To me it is a curse as, due to my own decisions, I hid for far too long,
I was born in 1940, my father was killed. In the war and I was sent to a boys boarding school at the age of 6, where
I spent 10 years. During that period I had NO opportunity to dress but I knew by the age of 10 that I was different.
I did, however, get a few opportunities to wear some of my mother’s clothes for 30 minutes at a time .When I left school I commenced dressing regularly but always in secret as, in those days discovery meant total disaster.
After 67 years of hiding, never telling or talking about it to anyone, I was outed by my daughter when I carelessly left
one picture on my camera.
In the 3 years since then my immediate family have been told and are reasonably supportive but my wife of 50 years
struggles with my dressing and doesn’t wish to be seen out with me nor wishes me to go public in our very small town.
And, three years ago I lost my driving licence due failing eyesight.As a result of these restrictions I am very much housebound with my dressing except for rare train trips to Sydney
And even then I have to travel in drab.As many of you will know once you are outed the desire to finish with the shame, hiding, and having to lie becomes
Increasingly important, and I risk destroying my marriage to my beautiful wife if I go public. And yet,
at the age of 80, I know I have very little time left to be my true self.So for me there is a lot of pain associated with being transgender and I am cursed.
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I’m also a great admirer of Eddie Izzard. I saw him interviewed by Michael Parkinson, donkey’s years ago, where he described himself as an “Action Transvestite“. Like “It’s a gift” resonated with you Caroline, “Action Transvestite” was like an epiphany for me as well. I have used that term many, many, times since to describe myself and believe it points out exactly what I’m all about in two simple words.
As many of you know, I have in the last part of last year relocated home to Hobart after a lifetime in Adelaide. I did ponder, albeit briefly, what that would mean for me, and my getting ‘out-and-about’, as in boy mode I am related to every second person here. I needn’t have bothered as I have been more active in the real world here than I ever thought possible due to my sense of comfort here and the very quirky nature of inner city Hobart where someone like me doesn’t really stick out…well maybe just a little bit.
I’ve often said to girls wrestling with their sexuality that there is no such thing as an ex-crossdresser. You can purge, you can wipe your femme self off social media, you can do all sorts of things to dodge it but this is an integral part of you just like being left or right handed or having hazel eyes. You generally get what you expect in life….if you are wracked with shame about your little habit then how on earth would you expect others to react? If, however, you set your mind to embrace your femme side and accept it as being part of you then you will find most will react the same way. You will also find that some people in your life will never accept it….but they may feel exactly the same as that about you if you suddenly declare yourself as, say, a Collingwood supporter or even worse a member of The Liberal Party.So, at the end of the day, it IS a gift. Well said Eddie, and well done Caroline for drawing our attention to it.
Love to all,
Emma,
Action Transvestite -
I think we are getting into the area of people who have the glass-half-full or glass-half-empty depending on their past histories and current circumstances. What works for me may not work for someone else; we are all so different. (Margaret Mead: “Just remember that you are totally unique – just like everyone else!”) One factor is to what extent we can share our “gift”; after all, what’s the point of having a gift if you are not permitted to show it off to others, especially those close to you. In the replies, thus far, it seems to me that people who do see it as a gift are in the position of being able to share that gift with others who may even offer their encouragement (rather than directed damnation) along the way. That has been my personal experience and has taken me, over a long period, from a time of secrecy, fear and guilt to one of great happiness and enjoyment of life. I am sorry that others may feel differently for whatever reason but as I said we are all different, and we need to respect that; science tells us that there has never been two people on the planet with exactly the same DNA, such is life.
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I just looked back over at the forum topic to be sure that I haven’t missed something in this general chorus of happiness. Apologies if I have. Of some concern was that I could not find anywhere a clear idea of what the ‘gift’ everyone had been given actually was for them….( and I haven’t had the benefit of Eddie’s views). So, is it the consciousness of being sexually diverse, the ensuing personal insights, or the social journey to some form of individual or collective acceptance? – or maybe all of these… I think this is a complex topic with deep emotional resonances for many like myself and I feel there is some danger of it being handled too simply.
On a personal note then, I cannot help but feel the claims of almost a ‘rebirth’, even if not intended, are glossing over a whole part of my life experience and maybe theirs. My reality of being ‘trans’ in the most formative period of youth was not a happy journey of discovery. And yes, this sense and memory of the past has made me who I am; I have no doubts here, but neither would I idealise it as a gift. A gift in principle you can refuse but being ‘trans’, like many other forms of being different you cannot. And I don’t mean to generalise or speak for others, but I cannot believe that anyone would intentionally choose any of the trauma that accompanied my ‘gift’ and have coloured my life.
When I was an adolescent / teenager in the 50s and 60s I was fraught with anxiety and real despair over my repressed femininity – a sense of self-hatred that never went away. The Idea that I was ‘gifted’ by my experience was simply unimaginable…. certainly no one told me I was gifted, and more significantly I didn’t have anyone I could turn to give it back to….-there was no comfort, no alternative in this reality. On the contrary, for my youth in that period your future, your destiny seemed as a deviant; a criminal misfit to be shunned, locked up and at best a candidate for behaviour modification. All probably not really an eminent possibility; but as an over sensitive adolescent, the imagination and accumulated guilt was much more potent than any real consequence could have been. So, you cried at night, stayed by yourself so no one would know and when the stress and anxiety became too much you thought about how you could end this nightmare…. walking into the sea, choosing a suitably high bridge or just casually stepping out into traffic, all easy to do in New York and anything seemed better than this terrible aloneness.
In acknowledging my experience, which is quite admittedly my own, there is also a very real larger background tragedy that also isn’t being acknowledged here…. For every success story there are probably many more failures…and there are no gifts for failure…. Trans youth are one of the higher suicide statistics- so what happened to their gift? The most positive thing I can say is that I survived this journey through hell and found life was more complexly fluid than my youth had me believe; – but only just…. In general, and there will be many experiences / exceptions, but I think in many cases you are confusing the catalyst with the chain of events that followed- the journey and /or eventual outcomes. Being trans is simply a reality; it is neither good nor bad….. But living with the ‘stigma’ of being trans or any other mark of ‘difference’ given human nature’s intolerance of difference is not a gift- it is a source of trauma and desperation. Whether it is the identification as ‘trans’ or some other unpredicted occurrence that impacts lives; it is the person, the individual that ultimately changes/ adapts their beliefs and often in contradiction to that ‘journey’ in life. If the effect or outcome of that journey is resilience and compassionate understanding, then maybe it could be considered a gift- but one too regrettably born from misery. The reality for me is that the journey wasn’t a gift- or certainly not one I would give to anyone……. For myself, the outcome was my perseverance and determination in adapting; forging my own life and I don’t feel I need that gift wrapped… I live my life positively today because I accept it is the way it is- though at times I still cry alone with the scars of my past….
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I do feel so helpless and sorry for your plight. I am in a very similar situation, but 10 years younger. I do hope you can fulfil your dreams soon. Hugs
