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  • telling a prospective partner about being TG?

    Posted by Anonymous on 31/01/2006 at 10:26 am

    I’m interested in knowing when you girls think is a reasonable time to tell a prospective partner about your female side, and to what extent do you go into detail.. I’m thinking that you have met a person and have hit it off, but they only know the boy…..
    Oh by the way this doesn’t apply to me personally, I just interest in what you girls think.
    Nikki

    Anonymous replied 17 years, 1 month ago 4 Members · 30 Replies
  • 30 Replies
  • Anonymous

    Guest
    31/01/2006 at 2:22 pm

    hi nikki
    everytime i used to meet someone new
    i used to tell them about myself stright away
    that was before i was on hormones
    now i just meet other girls like ourselfs
    love sophie

  • Wynta

    Member
    01/02/2006 at 6:11 am

    Hi if ur serious about telling a partner if it was up to me now that i know better i would tell her soon other than later so that way if she is not excepting that way yours & her feelings wouldn’t be to hurtfull…

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    01/02/2006 at 8:38 am

    I agree with Tressa, it’s best to tell them sooner rather than later. I told my partner within the first few days of us meeting about nine years ago. We got engauged last November.

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    02/02/2006 at 12:51 am

    I couldn’t agree more girls.
    I read a post somewhere,sometime that went along the lines of:
    – The first partner knows nothing.
    – The second one knows a bit eventually.
    – The third one knows everything from the start.

    What have you got to lose? Besides, confession is good for the soul.

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    03/02/2006 at 3:07 am

    And for my two cents worth I also agree when I told my partner it was before we where going out. Now I couldn’t be happier

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    05/02/2006 at 10:20 am

    I know too many who didn’t tell before they got married, or even entered into a relationship. With disastrous results! It’s too deep, to heavy to be kept a secret. For a woman it is an amazingly staggeringly, heavy load for them to find out later on, and don’t kid yourself eventually they will find out, some how, some way!
    I have never been in any relationship for any length of time without telling my partner about me, when the relationship got to any depth, I wanted them to be a friend. I just felt that I had to tell them. I got rejected a couple of times but I met some great friends who accepted me as I was.

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    09/02/2006 at 3:15 am

    Hi Nikki, thats a tricky question.

    If I met someone and new there was a special connection, developing into a relationship, I think I would wait until both partners feelings toward each other were fairly obvious and open. At that point I feel it would be appropriate to have a confession, before things got more serious. I reckon you would find out pretty quickly whether a person was going to be accepting or not. Mind you this advice is coming from someone who is confessing just before our 10 year wedding aniversary…..lol…..choke!

    Hope all goes well with your friend.

    Rachael

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    15/02/2006 at 11:51 am

    If you wish to tell your partner but not the whole world then you would need to be careful that you can trust your partner to keep it secret even if she does not aprove.

    Some women I would never tell because I know they would never accept. But I’d never choose these women as girl friend either.

    I’d sugest that when starting a relation ship you check out how acepting the new women is of diversity. Is she judgemental of others or acepting of other. This should give some clue as to how she might react.

    My partner has great empathy for people all over the globe, she places herself in others shoes and try’s to see life from their side. She is totaly acepting of other people so long as they respect others also.

    My partner just looked over my shoulder and asked if I had found some new heels on ebay.

    I told her straight up, because I knew her before we started dating.

    Tanya XOXOX

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    17/05/2006 at 3:01 pm

    This is a tricky one isn’t it. Tell too early and you give away sensitive information to someone with no emotional interest in protecting your interests. Tell too late and your partner feels betrayed.

    I’ve heard the suggestion that you should tell before going to bed with someone because of the sudden increase in intimacy (unless you’re into one nighters of course).

    Personally, and it’s something I’ve had to do in recent times, I try to tell as soon as I realise there is a connection between us. My reasonning is this. No matter how accepting your possible partner is, discovering you are a crossdresser changes their view of you. It isn’t fair to your partner for them to fall in love with someone … who is really someone else. Sure, we all find out ‘stuff’ as we get to know the other person and the person we first meet is never the person we wind up marrying (in our minds if not in fact), but crossdressing is a biggie, if only because people react so strongly to it (most of the time).

    My current girlfriend (and hopefully my last :D ) is an intersting case. I’ve known her for over ten years. She used to live across the road from me and her son and mine were good friends. So I spent a lot of time in her kitchen talking. We became good friends. When my last marriage went bang (yup, I’m a two time dud), she was one of those who supported me through what was and continues to be a volcanic breakup. Ironically, I’ve known my girlfriend for longer than I’ve known my ex. Anyways, when my (now) girlfriend’s marriage fell apart last year (no, nothing to do with me), I returned the favour … and well, we discovered that we’ve been strongly attracted to each other since we met, just that other partners were always in the way.

    The point is, she’s known me for a long time.

    The ex, despite being very supportive throughout our marriage, chose to turn nasty and one of her weapons was to tell everyone who’d listen, lurid tales about my crossdressing – has even tried it in court … and had it treated with utter disdain by the magistrate :P .

    When my girlfriend heard these stories, in the company of another neighbour, she put them down to bitchiness (which they were) and ‘knew’ they weren’t true because she knew me so well. You can imagine her horror when I confirmed the basic story – I’m a crossdresser.

    Other friends who’ve known me also rejected the stories by the ex.

    The first thing to take out of this epic is that people aren’t really interested in gossip and even if you are outed by an aggressive ex, you aren’t likely to be harmed by it (though I know some people have been).

    The second thing though, is that even at the level of ‘friend’, my confirming my crossdressing had a dramatic effect on my girlfriend. Obviously, we’ve worked past it, but she isn’t accepting. She struggles to understand (which is fair enough because I do too). She says she sees me as such a masculine man that she doesn’t want that image damaged by seeing me in a dress. Which is interesting as she lists high among my masculine virtues, gentleness, understanding, communication, able to talk about feelings, and other ‘feminine’ traits. But she doesn’t want to know about my dressing, well, not about the activity. She likens it to my ‘shed’ – she knows the ‘shed’ is there, she knows that I do things in the ‘shed’, just doesn’t want to know what they are. However, she is the one who asks questions and makes reference to my dressing. I think we’ll be right.

    The point of all this is that my dressing could have and nearly did prevent us from becomming a couple – it still might in the long term. It would not and has not damaged our friendship but as far as something deeper goes, it was touch and go for a while there. She gave me a card that says – Love isn’t the person you can see yourself with, it’s the person you can’t see yourself without.

    Dropping the discovery of my crossdressing onto her after we’d become deeply attached would have hurt her deeply and made the path to acceptance a lot harder.

    So now you’re all bored and want me to paraphrase. Okay, here it is. Be brave, tell as early as possible – it may not change the outcome but it will make the path a lot smoother … or less traumatic :?

    Wombat
    my first post – I promise they won’t all be epistles 😯

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    18/05/2006 at 9:52 am

    I told my partner before we even started dating … and now we could not be happier …

    I think being honest is the best way to go … I’ve had parnters in the pass who I’ve not been honest with from the start, and it only left problems and confusion and arguments …. not a happy time .

    But please, you have to be careful who you tell, and if this person is right for you, and has a good outlook on life and open minded, you should not have a problem – if you tell the wrong type of person straight up, it can cause you problems with it being relayed onto other people you don’t want it too … (trust me, its happened to me!)

    My girlfriend (GG) loves me for who I am inside .. Infact, she is in love more with the woman I’ve become than how I used to be … She finds me much nicer, sweeter caring soft and loving …

    good luck girls ..

    Anee ..

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    18/05/2006 at 11:19 am

    Why does telling someone that you crossdres change their view of you? Why does it affect them so much?

    I have never told any girlfriend because I don’t want them to have an image of me in a dress – I like been the guy in the relationship.

    And also, how do you explain to someone why you do it when you are not sure yourself?

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    18/05/2006 at 1:17 pm
    Quote:
    Why does telling someone that you crossdres change their view of you? Why does it affect them so much?

    Probably because the society we live in views crossdressing so badly. Few will see it as a good thing.

    Quote:
    have never told any girlfriend because I don’t want them to have an image of me in a dress – I like been the guy in the relationship.

    Which goes a long way to explaining your first question. If you feel the need to hide it, why should they view it as a good thing? That’s not a criticism of you, just a reflection of some of the thinking we face.

    Quote:
    And also, how do you explain to someone why you do it when you are not sure yourself

    Very badly :?
    You try your best and talk about your feelings.

    My gf and I were talking about it tonight. She’s made jokes and comments in the past months and I thought this indicated a thawing towards crossdressing. Sadly, it turns out it’s just her way of coping with it. She made it clear that she doesn’t think she has to right to ask me to stop, but is as far away from accepting it as ever. It was interesting to note that every comparison she used in trying to explain how she feels was a negative one :( Ah well, we’ll just have to find a way to make it work – she’s too special otherwise to walk away on this issue alone. At least we’re hammering all this out before making a committment to each other.

    Wombat

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    12/06/2006 at 5:25 am

    Telling a prospective partner would have to be one of the most difficult decisions you have to make. Especially considering it can lead to either instant rejection or possibly a mistrust of you. Howver there is the other option of it being accepted wholly or partially. A lot has to do with how you discuss the matter and the open-minded attitudes of you both. I must agree with Emma’s theory:

    – The first partner knows nothing.
    – The second one knows a bit eventually.
    – The third one knows everything from the start.

    My first wife knew about it only after I came out to her, and things didn’t last long after that.

    My second wife knew a bit and although she helped buy things, in reality onlt tolerated my CDing so long as it was when I was home alone, and has since our divorce uses my CDing to get to me.

    Now my new partner has known all and sundry about my CDing from our first date. In fact on our third date I was fully dressed and she loved it. Carmen fully accepts this side of my life. We are both comfortable and at complete ease within our home (and our occasional ventures out) about my CDing and we both look forward to my going fulltime. Even to the point where she is more impatient than I am at times. No she does not have lesbian tendancies, quite the opposite. Her acceptance and active participation are based around our love for each other and her understanding that this is who I am. Our love and happiness is purely centred on who we are inside ourselves.

    Compromise is the most important part of any relationship and this is more so if you wish to include CDing as a part of everyday life.

    The only advice I can truely offer is to think about the consequences of not telling. Essentially you are not being totally honest by hiding a part of yourself from your partner, and this leads to mistrust should she/he find out later.

    On the other hand, telling may lead to rejection, and should she/he be facetious in thier personality, could lead to being outed against your will.

    Again telling may open up a whole new world for you both, that brings fascination, joy and untold pleasures.

    It is a risk we all take and one that we take alone. I can sit and tell you all the gorey details with my first two partners, and then fill you with the joy in my life with Carmen, but it is merely a story to you, as everybody is different and what may work for me, more than likely will not work for you.

    Ultimately, just be honest and don’t hide the truth in any way. Don’t rush into it and take your time revealing who you are. Take things at your partners pace. It may be a bit too slow for you, but you are asking her/him to accept something that is normally a social taboo.

    Nikki, and others who may also be asking the same thing, I wish you all the best and I gladly offer any support should you need it. Please let us all know how it works out for you.

    God Bless

    Juliann

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    13/06/2006 at 1:18 pm

    I have been married twice before, both ending in divorce. Part of the problem both times was my fear that I would be seen as weird, perverted, shameful because I wanted to be a woman.
    The third time I met someone I wanted to be with, I wrote a 49-page letter to her, telling her everything about my crossdressing needs. She later admitted that she thought long and hard about the risks involved, as she had three little girl children, but decided that it was worth the risk.
    We lived together and then married, and the relationship was quite beautiful and the passion was heightened by my dressing in the bedroom. I would wear my favourite wig, negligee and stockings, and she would help me to make up.
    The fact of my crossdressing has been a very dear secret between us, and one day if I can find a pair of shoes big enough for my size 13 feet, we will drive down to the Berry Cafe in Dixon’s Creek to have dinner together.
    Be yourself, sweetheart!
    Love from Clare

  • Anonymous

    Guest
    07/07/2006 at 2:55 am

    after reading this thread it appears to me that the people who are up front with who they are and are themsleves with their partner are int he long run the happiest, i think it does come down to the partner though if they dont like the idea of crossdressing then you have your work cut out and an uphill battle with being yourself in the relationship.
    I recently told my partner who i’ve been with for 11 months but i didnt do it in one big hit, i asked her a few questions early on to see how she would react and to find out how openminded she was about CDing. I guess i was lucky that she was, though if she wasnt then i would of left it at that and the relationship would of quite possibly faded out (personally i dont think i could be with someone who i couldnt be myself with).
    After awhile i asked her what her sexual fantasy was and i told her mine was to wear womans clothes and she was ok with it (telling her it was just a fantasy shows her that its something i think about and is not exactly who i am.. in a way its withholding information but it softens the blow). After that i waited for her to mention it and a few months later she joked about it after seeing something on the TV.. this way i gave her time to process it.
    Then earlier this week she told me a big secret of her own and i felt this was the perfect time to mention it again, i made sure we discussed both stories to keep a balance and to not overload her.. im lucky she is ok with it and she pretty much picked up on it anyway, im not exactly a beef cake male so to speak!!!
    Basically i took the slow path instead of overloading her in one big hit, i think for some woman it can be a bit much for them to process in one conversation, plus it gave me a chance to find out her thoughts on the subject.
    I hope one day she will hope with shopping even though she told me she probably couldnt handle seeing me dressed but that could change with time!!

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