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A Journey of the Inner Woman (Continued)
As my Mum was single with a growing boy to raise, there was very little money to spare when the need arose for buying me clothes. I became the recipient of pre- loved girls clothes from one of her friends whose daughter was three or four years older. I had an overcoat which I wore for a long time, an occasional sweater and sometimes a pair of shoes, Mary Jane style springs to mind with a T bar. They were obviously girls clothes but I cannot remember adverse comments from anyone. I really took no notice and wore those clothes with anonymity. I soon grew beyond those clothes, taller than the girl in question.
I neither had girl friends nor male friends, I was a bit of a loner, preferring my own company in isolation and my own thoughts and daydreams. I dreamed of days when I could wear whatever I wanted without others criticizing my choice of clothing.
I always considered myself a transvestite as I knew of no other label and the clothing seemed to be the pinnacle of desire. Of course I’d heard of others and was green with envy (Christine Jorgeson) in 1952.
I had been raised to comply with societal expectations from family and society as a whole. I did eventually marry at a young age producing a daughter who’s fifty-four this year. I was expected to adhere to what was expected of a married man with a family. For me to ‘come out’ was unheard of and, I expect would have resulted in me being incarcerated in a mental health institution. Even homosexuality was illegal, at least homosexual acts were. I had a suspicion that transvestism and homosexuality would have seen as going hand in hand. I had no wish to be locked up and my freedom taken from me. I kept mum with a zippered mouth. Nevertheless thoughts and ideas perpetually filtered through my mind, it was a closed mind.
I never told my mum although I had a sneaking suspicion she had a notion of something amiss, but her head was buried in the sand. Mum was very homophobic and being transphobic would have come naturally to her.Throughout my life I have been plagued by intense bouts of severe depression, suicidal thoughts and more than a couple of times attempts. I am quite convinced that the depressive episodes, suicidal notions are the result of being transgender; of unresolved fulfillment of the extreme feminine side. But I made choices in life that were in line with my comfort zone, I’ve consulted the experts, the gurus who have confirmed my status.
In my next life (I’m a lapsed Buddhist) I shall return as a beautiful, voluptuous, enigmatic bit of crumpet ready to take on the world from a different perspective.
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