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Are You Happy Being Trans-gender?
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When I was fighting and trying to deny who I was I hated being trans, I hated myself and I was depressed and anxious.It really was a sad and lonely existence where I was lying to myself and everyone around me.
Once I finally accepted who I am, everything has changed. The depression and anxiety lifted, I’m more resilient and happier within myself. I’ve been lucky that all of my family and close friends have accepted me for who I am. So far the few people at work that I have come out to have also been fine with my new (to them) identity. This week I plan to let my direct manager know so another hurdle to overcome but I am confident to face that exchange without fear of any possible consequences, not that I expect any. I’ve also managed to make new friends in the community and am getting out and being social more than I have in a loooong time. The relationships I have are stronger because for the first time in my life I can be myself. Not guarded, but open and honest and prepared to discuss any topic without fear of innocently saying the wrong thing and being found out.
Then there is the joy I feel when I am presenting as myself (when I can pack the anxiety away about being clocked). It really is a wonderful feeling. Not only the feeling of wearing womens clothes but the choices that are available to suit any mood. No more of the bland greys and blues and trying as hard as possible to look like every other man in the office. Then there is the feeling that my heart just sings and everything is right when I am being myself.
This is not to say that everything is perfect. There are days when this is scary or overwhelming. I try not to spend too much time looking at the mirror at the fading image of a balding middle aged bloke. Instead I choose to see the woman I am becoming, some days more successfully than others.
I’ve now been on hormones for 8 months, the changes are slow but are now becoming noticeable to those around me. I’ve got the documentation sitting on my desk already filled out to change my birth certificate and passport which I will submit early in the new year. Plus I’ve just paid the deposit to have ffs in May. This will be the most significant change for me as the most distinctive and easily recognisable male features will be gone. While this is not a magic panacea it is the marker where I will relegate my male self to history.
So to answer the question, YES I am happy being transgender. -
Yes, I relate to this. It can be quite soul destroying
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Maybe the last word on this topic will come from the TgR Gender Diversity survey (which closes this weekend)
A quick analysis of the answers so far shows that in response to the question
How do you feel about being part of the gender diverse community?57% of those answering accept their true gender identity and embrace it in their life
Sadly 12% wish that they weren’t gender diverseMore details when the final responses are in and the full analysis is done.
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This is a topic I have struggled answering for some time and its interesting Adrian, that you have mentioned the survey may provide the definitive response to this question. Why interesting? Well I also struggled for sometime to come to grips with the definitions around gender proposed in the survey.
My difficulty is a definite realisation of being gender diverse but being in a position of sitting what appears to be right in the middle. By this I mean I thought I had no strong pull to male or female. The tests I have done, admittedly these are just the online type, back this up regularly ie I’m comfortable presenting or feeling as both.
I’m also personally reluctant to call myself transgender, as a result of this, as unlike many I do not have the very powerful feelings that push me one way or the other. Its more a scratch than a shove. That said its an almighty fascinating and exciting scratch that doesn’t go away.
I know though that many would look at me as a simple crossdresser indulging in a hobby. I’m not sure collecting model trains has the same impact as a new pair of heels but whose to question the train spotter’s urge.
Overlaying this is my personal situation, as I’ve mentioned in other posts, is complicated through my own reluctance to discuss my gender diversity with my spouse or friends. Only a few know of my extended life and they, while an important part, are on the fringe of what many know as Alan.
I raised this question with one of my gender diverse friends and indicated my difficulty in answering the question. I also discussed the idea of the “pill” to be taken to shift from the middle where I am to either a more recognisable male or female gender. An idea I was also struggling with. She then asked me a simple question and to set the scene we were having a “ladies who lunch” ie a full summer transition of frock, nails makeup sandals etc tan out door Greek restaurant. “If you could maintaining your existing life with your partner, family and friends all accepting as you are now, would you be Alan or Alana. The answer was incredibly simple; Alana. The joy, the peace, the whole feeling of things being right was more powerful than I thought. So it would seem I’m not so much in the middle as I thought. I’m more to the female than I give myself credit for however the power of the very important relationships in my life pulls me back. I don’t want to loose what I have for what could be.
I must therefore say I am happy I am what I am. I’m sad the forces pull me as much as they do to the centre rather than to a transition an extent of which I’m uncertain. However, I’m extremely lucky I have the confidence an occasional opportunity to strut my stuff in main stream Australia and enjoy every dam exhilarating moment of it. -
Relationships are often the main driver for our decisions…or for many like myself indecision.
For me my family relationshps are the all important ones. My family is small and close but I could not deal with any loss in that area.If only I knew what I know now….lol . If I had been more self aware when was in my teens or even early twenties I feel I would have gone through to transitioning. But I just get it….. Thought it was a phase …and I’m now where I’m at.
Do I have regrets…he’ll yes but would I changes now … No. Its sad but I try and just be Lynnie. Don’t even start me on sexuality..lol.
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The answer Alana is to collect model trains while attired in high heels. No, from my experience crossdressing is certainly not just a hobby but rather an aspect of who we are.
Geraldine -
Being a model railway enthusiast (and others may find stronger terms for this) I can honestly say that nothing makes my heart sing as much as when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or a reflection in a window when I am Madeline.
However, I can understand where you and others are coming from Alana. Relationships are essential and life can be hollow without them. While I have relatively strong bonds with family and a few close friends, to date, my personal relationships have been few and far between. This has been both a curse and a blessing as it now makes it much easier to follow the path I now know I must take. The real positive out of this is I find by transitioning I am stronger and more confident which has led me to make many more new friends in the last 6 months than I have in many years. I also feel that the new confidence will lead to all sorts of future possibilities. -
I have to admit that I have spent an enjoyable hour or so with a very long term friend with a glass of red and his train set. A very extensive shunting yard, controlled by an iPad. He also races cars and I know he could not cope with me in a dress. Shunting was fun though!
