• Let’s go shopping

  Buying clothes – it is both exciting and traumatic

  Posted by Emma_Thorne on 26/04/2017 at 7:12 am

  All of us, and I do mean all of us without exception, want to look good. Whether we are tripping the light fantastic out at a club or a pub; promenading on The Esplanade on a Sunday afternoon, buying scourer pads at the supermarket, or (perish the thought) staying at home watching a British murder mystery and taking selfies. Regardless of the scenario, when dressed en femme we want to look the best we can.

  I’ve mentioned it before but I’ve had a few names over the years. First it was Pinky Pinkston when I was a disco chick back in the 1980’s, then good time gal Bubbles O’Tool, and finally, and enduringly, Emma Thorne. I will definitely write something at some stage about name selecting but in my case and I suspect with others it goes to the core of how I think of myself and how I want to appear which has a massive bearing on what you wear or think you can get away with and more importantly how it makes you feel. “Emma” is because I thought Diana Rigg’s character in The Avengers (Mrs Emma Peel) was THE most beautiful, quirky, and intelligent creature I’d ever seen. I think I only tick the middle box there. The “Thorne” part satisfies my own desire to amuse myself at every possible opportunity even if it is at my own expense. What do you get of you grab a thorn? Why you get a *rick, of course . So for me, Emma Thorne can, at any given time, be stopping a bank robbery/conducting a bank robbery/karate chopping assailants/throwing out pithy sayings/hosting an episode of Q&A/or telling jokes or spinning yarns against myself. Most of that is highly unlikely but I at least want to present myself as being capable of any of them.

  To maintain the above image of myself that sits disturbingly comfortably in my own head I select clothes that bolster that image. Short (“I can see what you had for dinner” as my aunt would say) skirts, exotic footwear i.e leopard print or blingy of some description, and other various accoutrements to aid and abet all this palaver. So where do you get all this crap? What suits me, or in this case you? Well ladies it is surprisingly easy and affordable if you follow these simple guidelines.
  1. Wear clothes that accentuate your best features and don’t detract from you. If you don’t think you have any best features then create some. With our lifestyle YOU get all the choices.
  – Don’t think drab! Drab is another word for boring and should be avoided at all costs. You don’t need to be an extrovert to wear interesting clothes. Rats are beige. Don’t wear beige.
  – Look and watch genetic women at every opportunity and take careful note of the ones that have similar body shapes to yours. See what you think looks really good on them and pinch the idea. I am one of the greatest plagiarists you will ever know on that score.
  – Find colours to wear that you look suit your feminine character. Get on the interweb as there are loads of beauty tips sites that match hair colour and skin tones and different body shapes to various colours and styles and they show you things that you’ve probably never considered before that will work really well. You will also realise after a while that a lot of genetic women have no idea how to dress themselves either.
  – If you are more stout or stocky of build never ever wear horizontal stripes as they make you look wider.
  – If you think you have to wear all black to conceal your body shape then make sure you don’t look like an old school Greek widow and zing it up a bit with a brightly coloured scarf or loads of sparkly bling and a hot pair of shoes. Some wild hair always looks good too – dare to be different.
  – If you have great legs/eyes/boobs/whatever get them centre stage and show them off. If you’ve got it flaunt it. Remember Aunty Emma’s Golden Rule: Passing is bullshit.
  – If all else fails and you can’t get a clear image in your head of what you should wear then come back here and we will help you!

  2. For the developing woman, there is nothing so absolutely mortifying than going into a mainstream women’s clothing store and fumbling nervously through the racks so why do it? There are lots of other options that are far less scary and confronting. The exception to this is, amazingly, most of the recycled clothing stores like The Salvos and St Vinnies. I can tell you that you will not be alone in cruising these Aladdin’s caves of bargains and you can get sensational stuff there. If you float in to one of these stores at, say, 2pm in the afternoon you are probably about the 10th crossdresser to do so that day. It staggers me that they have not introduced a crossdresser’s loyalty card system. There are a couple of things to take into account though:
  (a) Go to the bigger stores and go to stores in areas that are reasonably affluent. They get the better stuff.
  (b) If you go to The Salvos please note that there are 2 types of Salvos op shops. The Salvos shops are the ones with the decent gear. The Salvos Thrift Shop is usually run by the local Salvos church group and they have crap in them.

  3. Shop on the internet. You can buy brand new outfits for under $20 but beware of their sizing charts. Most of the gear made in China is smaller than they claim so if you’ve admired something that they say is a 14 by their measurements go a size up to a 16 and be safe and you’ll most likely find it is a good fit. Don’t be sucked in by the photo models they use either….all these girls are a size 6 – 8 and would look good wearing a garbage bag. Visualise how it will look on YOU, not them. I’m a big fan of the bodycon outfits but anything where the material has a bit of “give” in it is wise.

  4. Do not nick your wife’s/girlfriend’s/mum’s clothes. It is very poor form and you’ll be branded a “snow dropper” when you are caught, which you will be.

  5. On most Saturday nights, my handbag is worth more than the entire wardrobe I am wearing, including the shoes, and I don’t have a handbag I paid more than $40 for. You don’t have to spend a lot to look good – you may in your head correlate looking good with how much you spent but that is incorrect so get it out of your mind now. All of this naturally does not preclude anyone from going top shelf if you can afford it. I just don’t want any of my sisters, particularly the developing ones, forking out loads of cash for stuff they don’t need when that money can be used much more sensibly in purchasing wine and other essentials like spirits.

  Ok Aunty Emma, I’ve taken all your advice and have got some clothes at the op shop and I’m going to order some hot cheap stuff online as well. My wife/girlfriend/significant other does not approve/like/want to know/is oblivious to my lifestyle choice so what do I do when the parcels arrive and she/he opens them??? I will be sprung and no one will love me.

  Like shopping in a mainstream store, if it is going to be a massive problem getting parcels sent to your home then why do it? Our very good friends at Australia Post (you remember them…they are the ones that now makes us pay more for a significantly reduced service) have the answer! Go into a suitable Australia Post store and ask for a MyPost Application Form (you can also check out all the details online beforehand so you’re ready when you go in). Once you’ve set up your MyPost account you can get your parcels sent to any post office you nominate and they will send you a text when your parcel(s) arrives and then you can pop in at your leisure and collect it. You can even take an option to get a secure Pick Up box you can access 24/7 so you don’t have to go to the counter and it all costs NOTHING.

  All that being said, I’m thinking of travelling over for Transformal next year so all this will go out the window as I angst over what to wear on the main night and all the other events ha ha ha. Happy shopping ladies xx

  Emma_Thorne replied 7 years, 9 months ago 1 Member · 0 Replies
• 0 Replies

Log In to Reply