Coming out to Parents help

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Coming out is always scarey, not just to others but to ourselves.

This might help…

I come from a huge catholic family, several nuns, a couple of priests and a lot of schoolteachers – generally a pretty bigoted bunch. They were the very last people I came out to and here’s where it got interesting…

I’m fulltime, living and working as Jennifer. I ran into my eldest aunt, a catholic nun aged 85, at the shops near work – uhoh – and visited her for a cuppa after work that day. She said two things to me that made me feel right;
You are still the same person I love.
You are perfect in Gods eyes – you were born as God intended you to be, with this spark inside you.

While I was reeling from that acceptance over the next week, the same nun called all the family women together (except me) to explain about me. I wish I could report that they all called me since and drew me into their homes but that would be too much to expect. The point is none of my family really care for any more than that I am happy.

Being yourself is not a crime – not being true to yourself should be.

Blessings,
Jenni Green

[Anonymous]

Hi Alana

Well I think every one has covered the what to do, its not an easy thing. I told my mum and dad 3 years ago, then ended up in a relationship with a female, to whom stopped my Transistion. (another story lol)

When I first told my mum and dad, they simply patted me on the head and told me they would love me anyway, thinking it was just a fase. My relationship ended over a years ago and I have been changing my life with a target to becomming full time.

Mum is understanding but does not want me to push it with dad, and after talking to my phyc doctor, she suggested to let them slowly adjust, instead of a big fight.

So I still dress and act there little boy when visting them, but they dont see that I am still waring female jeans etc. (will be intersting as my breasts grow lol)

I had words with mum and she is worried on how it will effect her (and my dad) and thier friends and family. At first I was a little angery because this would effect me much more, then I stood back and could see that every one has a bit of selfness in them and this was her real fears comming forward. People that dont understand can be so mean, and she did not want to be the but of every ones joke in a small town.

She has requested to talk to a Phyc who could help her with her fears, and I am now working on that. This I hope will put her on my side and help me with the rest of my family.

I was pushed to walking away from my family if required, this was not perfered but I will no longer pretend to be someone else and be unhappy just to make them happy.

It never goes away, I have “put it back in the cupboard” so many times and it will always come back, so crunch time has arrived and at the age of 38, I wished I had done it when I was much younger, what a waste of my life pretending to be this male, when all this time I could have been full time female.

So in my experance you need to understand from their point of view, try to find out what worries them and then try to help them solve the problem. For my mum it will be to find her some help, my dad is not to rub it in his face until he gets use to it.(No short skirts and barbie outfits lol)

Hope this helps, every one has a story and mine is no different, but I have told it to give you support, please feel free to contact me off post.

xxx

Kelly Jones

PS if you have read all this, made it to here and still awake, you have done well. lol (sorry for such a long post)

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I been wanting to become a female since the age 5 but to scared to do it, I am 23 now and really want to do it.

My family and relations are strong christians, Once I dressed in my mums nighty and got caught and my dad and mum thought I had a devil in me… it scared the hell out of me so i stopped till now.

Isn’t that funny. Strong Christians but not accepting of anyone who doesn’t meet their narrow minded view of the world.

Love one another as they love you.

An eye for an eye. Maybe your mum should stop wearing pants and shirts. Bet she does! And Des your dad wear heels? cause heels were invented by a man for men about 200 years ago. Women only started wearing them 50 years later when they realised they were loosing a few inches!

I came out to my parents last year – in the Supreme Court. My father didn’t even recognize me. When The judge demanded I identify how I had appeared before here in the proceedings before I had to admit I was one of the parties and therefore entitled to represent myself.

The silence in the court room – except my father 3 feet away from me choking – was breath taking – literally lasted 90 seconds. Sadly my father survived the experience to my complete sadness.

Anyway back to you. jst tel your parents their god gave you the wrong body and you need to get help to fix it really fast. If you don’t you will have to give yourself back to God to come and try again.

Personally, if your parents are so ANTI your life, I’d be leaving and staying well away.

I wish I had left my parents for dead 20 years ago. Would have saved a few police raids, kidnappings, and several years in court facing them off in the witness box cross examining their parenting poorness.

My bet advice – tell someone, f they react negatively thank them for their time, tell them to have a happy life and move on. It’s REALLY not worth the agro and emotional stress to deal with people who aren’t respectful of you – and let face it, you haven’t lost a friend or relative in the process, you have gains a slot to bring someone new who respects you, into your life.

BTW when you tell people – try and do it in the most comfortable form you can. I won’t tell anyone unless I’ve got my makeup on and in a nice dress Trey need to see me, not what I once was.

Quote:

I got a friend that thinks I should go ahead with it and she supports me same with allot of my female friends.

You will find, at least in my experience in Aus, 75% of people won’t care or can’t read you – 20% of people like you for what you are inside, not outside, and 5% will be pure arsehols and deserve to be sent to Iraq.

Quote:

My question is how would I go about telling them that I want to become female, I don’t want them to like hate me or anything..

It is not for you to want them to do anything. It is for them to have the courage of their God to accept you as you are.

Your jobs is to be the person you are, and be the best person you can be. Not pander to other peoples desires.

Remember, Jesus was told to stop preaching and stop doing them dang miriciles. Jesus was told to submit to the Romans beliefs and he didn’t, so learn from Jesus.

You might be hung on a cross, but he rose form the dead a new person, ad you too will rise from the dead a new person – if you really want.

(Wow that was impressive! A Pure stream of consciousness! And I haven’t a religions chromosome in my body!)

Quote:

I am not Gay and Hope to never be Gay, I guess you could say I am a female trapped in a male body.

So as a guy, you don’t like guys? Does this mean when you become a girl you will?

[Anonymous]

Hi Alana,

I’ve come out to my parents as a CD, they took it fairly well, although they don’t want to meet Karen, which hurt a bit at the time. Got over that.
I wish you great strength in your endeavour, here are some quotes that may help,

“Your parents have provided this wonderful avenue for you into this time-space reeality. While your parents certainly do want what is best for you, they have no way of knowing what this is.”

“You did not come forth to do the bidding of others, for you are the creator of your own experience and you have come here with great purpose.”

Love Karen.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Thanks to the post Ella, but no when I am a female I won’t like guys, maybe as friends but thats all.

So you are gay! aka Lesbian.

Cause if you are a girl and you like girls – you are gay. No hiding that fact.

Solves the problem!!

(Just some text cause it says I haven’t typed enough.)

[Anonymous]

funny one
as a man you dont like guys.
as a woman , you should like guys.
but, as a woman you wont like guys, “quote”
so you must be a lesbian.
nothing wrong with that, hey, you dress as a girl,
but your a man
but your still the same person inside.
a lot of us are gay or bisex,
’cause if you have fem inside you,
you should like guys.
BUT who cares. be wat you are, and want to be.
jess

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I have guy friends as a male and it will be the same way as a woman, nothing wrong with that.

Oh trust me, when you become a woman, those guy friends are gonna do one of two things – freak or expect they can get a bit cause the only reason a guy becomes a girl is to sucka-da-noodle and hell if they can’t find a gg, they’ll take the next beat thing – watching long hair, boobs and a dress nibbling nobbies nuts is easier for their tiny minds to cope with over getting guy in a pair of daks and sleeveless do the deed!

You can be assured that 90% of guys think M2F are purely cause M2F’s wanna suck!

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I started out by quoting the bible, then I made her say did I want to become a female.

It went all good till she said she will tell my dad and they will pray for me..thats when I sorta got mad because it sounded like they thought I had a disease and they needed to cure it.

So now I have to face my dad which will be the worst part as he was a Minister of the church for 15 years and still ministers to groups and I know he will think I am silly or have some sorta demon trying to make me think sinfull like the last time.

Wish me luck

I picked those three paragraphs for a reason.

Isn’t it funny how there are wars around the world based on religious movements: Christians, Muslims, Prodestants, and the list goes on. (Babylon 5 did an episode on religious wars and lined up 171 Erath Religion whilst the Aliens species only had one – the point was “We can all live one planet, yet you only have one religion per planet and can’t stay at peace.)

Yet all these religions preach one thing in common: Love thy Neighbor, don’t discriminate, accept all life.

And yet the teachings are always exclusionary, discriminatory and negative towards others.

I find it so sad.

And to see you struggling with your own parents who want to pray for you – when they should be praising you.

It’s no wonder I believe in the universe and avoid churches.

I remember when I was a teen I went to a fellowship group and all the girls were telling me that it was unchristian to have relationships that weren’t marriage and getting pregnant outside of marriage is a sin.

Strangely they were all pregnant and couldn’t identify the fathers.

That old Adage “Do as I say, not as I do”

[Anonymous]

Alana, you have been very courageous to have told your folks at such an early age, many of us are not so brave. I think it is the best way to go, it gives them time to adjust to the inevitable sense of loss and shock that they may feel. Remember that we have lived with this secret for a long time but when you tell someone , it is all new for them. Give them time and space to get their feelings in order.
I also believe that if we demand the right to feel how we do , then we should allow others to feel differently to us! It is often hard to cope with this but it is life, others may disagree with our choices. We often seek validation from others, we are often encouraged to do so when we are young but in the end it is better to find validation in yourself, if you feel ok then you are ok! Fortunately this feeling can often grow in us as we get older, remember that you can only truely be YOU, noone else.

[Anonymous]

Ella, your sense of loss and hurt at your treatment last year is very evident in your posts, you have every right to feel this way. I believe , however ,that your bitter comments on the Church and other peoples reactions to our transness may be counterproductive to someone trying to come to terms with their place in the world ,as a trans person. Perhaps you may like to consider this point?

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I don’t post anything very often, but seeing that we are talking about coming out to parents and whether or not we are gay, I thought , what the hey, we all have different stories that border on the same, so here goes;
– being gay, my view is this, what ever your partner is when u are/were male is, then that will be the same sexual gender you are most likely to date when you are female, it’s just the label that changes.
– coming out to parents. I came out to my mum when i was 35, I have a lesbian cousin & my family is very old school conservative. I have no idea how my cousin came out to her family, but I can imagine that it would have been extremely hard for her to do that. Me, I sat mum down and started of by trying to get her to remember the times I’d been near enough to being caught + other indications that should have given it away.
unfortunately her finding my girly magazines didn’t quite help me as she automatically associated being transsexual with ” oh, so are you gay like your cousin” ummm no mum, and someone tell me, how does someone come to the conclusion that a young guy looking a naked pictures of women is or maybe gay ???, then, ” well are you sure she’s not transsexual as well then ” no mum, she definately a lesbian. so I went through the whole explanation as clear as possible, stopping every now and then for her to ask some questions. then when I finally finished she was rather calm and I left her so she could get the chance to have it soak in. then over the next week or so she explained it to my step father who was 85 at the time. and then at the next family gathering, my stepfather came up and said ” i’m sorry to hear about your disease, hopefully you can work through it ” …………. ummmm oooookk. My sister on the other hand was like ” yay, i get to have a sister ” haha hmm ok, not the response i was expecting, but at least it was positive. Now days when mum & dad come around i try to put on a male front because, well, I can’t be bothered explaining my ” disease ” to my step father for the 200th time + he still frowns at the toe nail polish lol ; whatever. I work at a large winery in the barossa and even though i wear a male uniform, everyone there knows that I’m transsexual, the gossip grapevine works extremely well in country areas, i’ve even sat and painted my finger nails while we have been broken down for a while & nothing was said, no-one cares much at all

[Anonymous]

hello Alana. I have been reading this with interest wondering if there is any input i may say that helps.
I can relate to much My father was a police officer in victoria super macho etc mum strong religious views. This was a key reason I HELD BACK UNTIL 38 YEARS OLD OF BEEING TRUE SELF.
I didnt tell my parents I TOLD A BROTHER WHI SLIPPED UP AFTER A YEAR. yOU SEE i live in WA so i through my weakness chose to seek help start the change and then in my time tell parents.
Along the way since they found out we have had arguments on phone always dad rang drank saying i need help tp learn to be a man etc well……..
Last night dad rang me to support me over an issue with my daughters and touched on my change. HE SAID HE LOVED ME AND WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME AND IS NOT A PYSCHIATRIST no abuse a suttle im here for you no matter so as i researched for 6 months before seeking medical help using websites such as this i found ones that mentions family can take 6 months to two years to come to terms with what we do. My children took six months my parents well its been about 18 monthns. Your paretns love you and this love will in there own time bring them around to be there for you.
I am pleased you have faced your true self at a younger age than I DID AS YOU WILL SPEND MORE OF YOUR LIFE BEEING YOUR TRUE SELF.
good luck jess

[Hana]

Hi alana, i dont have much to say to add to this, except to say that i am in a similar boat, having not told my parents, and considering it a lot. anyhow, just wished to say that it’s interesting to hear about your story, and i wish u the best. and also maybe, just take care of yourself through this difficult period.

good luck,

Hana.

[Anonymous]

I’m transgendered and Christian (catholic) it was a big struggle for me working out why god was leading me this way if you would like to know how I have found that this is what god wants of me so that you can put it in a christian setting to tell your dad then PM me I hope I can help

[Anonymous]

My mum found out I was dressing about 2 years ago and flipped out about it saying it was “perverted, disgusting” and other things along those lines – little did she know that it goes beyond dressing.

I’ve kind of got to the stage now where I’ve bottled up thoughts & feelings to the point where it’s affecting my ability to function daily and so I feel that I have do to something about it. It originally started out in just subtle ways when I was probably 12 or 13 years old (maybe earlier) and over the years, it’s basically gotten more obvious & stronger. I’ve done nothing about it – I think over the last 2 years I’ve been particularly scared when I was found out that I had been dressing (and the subsequent negative reaction).

I think from bottling it up for so long (8 years or so) that I’ve kind of reached a breaking point and feel I need to start doing something proper about it. 8 years isn’t really long, and I’m sure others here have would agree with that – but for me personally, I think the feelings have been so strong that 8 years is quite a lot of time.

I’ve been self-medicating on hormones for 8 months, and people are definitely starting to notice things – I also am wanting to get a therapist ASAP so I can go about it the proper way.

I too am planning to come out to my parents (in the next couple of weeks) . One of the main reasons (besides those above) is because I definitely know they suspect something is wrong. I got a message from my mother that shows she isn’t sure what is happening but is worried/concerned that I’ve become detached – she hinted that she thinks it might be because of the dressing that she found out about 2 years ago. I figure that because of that email, now is as good a time as any to come out, and I don’t think I could wait much longer anyway.

It’s a really tricky thing to work out how to do, so far I’m trying to write up a letter explaining it as best as possible, and a bunch of links so my parents can read & try to get an understanding. I’m trying to do this as best as possible because I have no idea how they’ll react.

My parents have always been VERY supportive of me, and it’s obvious that my mum is showing concern and is worried (and she suspects it might be related to me dressing), but I’m really not sure how they’ll react to something like this.